When I wake up from the
loneliness that wakes me up
I think about their always smiling face
which makes me smile without knowing

Triit.. Triit.. Triit..

‘6.30’

I pull myself up from the bed and turn off the alarm. Another day is come. I walk to my bathroom, take a bath, go to my closet and take any outfit that I touch first. I brush my hair, put some light make up and take my bag.

I go downstairs to see my sister in the kitchen. Hearing my step, she turns around and show me her best smile like always,”Morning, Krys!” and put some toast on the table.

“Morning, unni!” I put the best smile that I can do and start to eat my breakfast. My sister sighs and shakes her head, “My dear~” I pretend not to hear and act casual. She sits and eats her breakfast too. “Krys, how is your feeling? Are you feeling sick? Do you want me to call your friend for sick permission?” her voice fill with concern and worry. She keep speaking nonsense and before she goes to far, I cut her,”No need, unni! I’m fine, you see?” I show her how fine I am. “Yeah, that’s what you always say. But if you need me, just call or tell me.” She pats my head. I just nod and drink my milk. “Okay, gotta go! Bye!” I take my bag and go outside. Sigh, he used to stand there every morning but now… there’s no one.

Like this another person leaves
and when another beautiful season arrives
with the sadness and longing for you which you left behind
I walk down this street again

Even though the sun is brightly shining, you still can feel the cold wind that blow softly. The leaves start turn in yellow-red color, autumn is coming. Even when closed your eyes, you can smell  and sense it.

“Krys~”

I open my eyes quickly.. his voice.. I turn my head , try to look for his sight but there’s no one. Am I hallucinating? Maybe because I miss him so much. Another cold breeze blow my face softly, sending me the coldness. I wrap my jacket tightly to prevent the cold. If he was here, he must be pull me into his warm hug. The hug that I have been longed so much.. Suddenly another hand tap my back,”Krys!” I turn my head again but it still isn’t him.. It’s Amber, my best friend and his best bud. “What kind of expression is that? Don’t you happy to see me?” she said when she realizes my face’s change. “No it’s not what I mean, Amber.”

“Yeah, I know what do you mean. But can’t you give me your smile?” Amber smiles.

I try to give her my best smile but she only show me the same reaction like Jessica unni did. She puts her arm around me and we walk together in silence.

*********

After school, all of us agree to have some fun first, like: go to karaoke, watch movie, eat dinner, or even just some window shopping. After dinner, we ready to go home.

‘Ah, it’s raining.’ Fortunately some of us bring umbrella. All of them walk together under their umbrella, they walk in pairing while me… all alone.

The sound that I can hear is only the rain drops and some inaudible chattering. Something is missing. It feels empty, something doesn’t seem right. I hate rain, it only makes me feel alone and cold. Why does it has to happen to me? Why me? There are so many things that I have but why You have to take the most precious thing in me. I really envy people, even though they have many lacks but they have the most precious thing that I don’t.

“Yah, Amber! Come closer! You’ll get wet!” shout Key while he pull amber closer.

See?! Even the boyish Amber has it.

I need to see him. Now. I can’t bear it anymore.

“Guys!”

All of them turn their head to face me. “I need to go to somewhere, so you guys just go home first, okay?”

“Where do you want to go, Krys? We can take you there.” Victoria unni said to me. Their eyes fill with concern. “No, I want to go by myself. Please~” It only takes them a minute to agree. “thanks guys!”

“Be careful, Krys. Don’t do anything dangerous, okay??” Amber said.

“Yes, ma’am~! Bye~” I turn my body around and walk away. When I’m walking further, I try to walk faster. As fast as possible.

Day after day as I live my life
I get teary after hearing his name
I can't hold it in, I can't laugh like this
I try calling his name again

With the scar he left on my heart
I'm trying to forget his name
although I bite my lips trying to hold it in

After riding 30 minutes train, I arrive.  But the rain still pouring. Nobody’s here since it’s already dark and still raining. I walk to one of the three. There… I can meet him.. His grave..

“Oppa, annyeong!” I said, almost like whispering.

“Do you miss me? Cause I really miss you..” There’s no answer. Feeling the coldness and loneliness make my memory running back and reveal every moment that I’ve been through with him before. The more memories that I see, only make the pain feel stronger.

“Oppa, where are you? I… I can’t hold this anymore. Tell me, oppa! How I can vanish this pain before it starts to killing me. It feels so hurt.. here..” I touch where my heart is. “It never felt like this before. This heart is the only thing that you left for me, this heart is everything that you give to me but why can’t  you take it away with you? Why you need to leave it without telling me how to heal it~” my voice starts shaking, and it’s not because the coldness. Without I realize, my tears start to fall. The tears that I keep hold. There’s no any single tears that fall when his funeral. There’s no any single tears when I got the news but  now it keep falling and this time I won’t hold it or stop it anymore. I wish, along with this tears, it can wash all the pain. It’s not just my voice  that shaking but also my body. My feet feels weak that can’t even make me standing properly. I let myself break.

“Oppa~ Minho Oppa~  MINHO OPPA!” I only can calling his name again and again, wish that he can hear me and find me. Wish he can bring me into his hug. Please at least I want to hear him saying goodbye.

*******

I feel like floating, I feel so light. I don’t know why the pain gone, there’s no burden, no cold, the only one that I feel now is… warm. I feel so secure and I feel like I’m home. I start to open my eyes, I want to see who carried me. Maybe Donghae oppa (Jessica unni’s boyfriend). But I’m wrong. He isn’t Donghae oppa.

His small face, his big eyes, his silky black short hair, all of that is exactly the same with Minho oppa’s. Am I dreaming? If it is, I don’t want to wake up anymore. I can’t stop myself admiring him, I start to memorize his face, the face that I’ve been longing for so long. Suddenly he chuckles and smirks, ”Have you done admiring my face?”

I can’t help myself to not blushing. He puts me down on a bench and sits next to me.

I don’t know where this bravery come from. My head touches his face, shocked him a minute.

“You’re real~ I said, almost like a whisper to me. He touches the back of my hand, it feels warm.

“Yes, I am.. now. “He smiles.

The tears start to form my eyes and it’s ready to fall anytime. “Oppa~’ I hug him suddenly. Tears keep falling, I hug him tighter like I don’t want to let him go anymore. He hug me back, “Soojung-ah, I love you, you know that right and I miss you so much too. I’m sorry for leaving you like this-” I cut him, “It’s okay, because you’re back.”

He sighs, “Soojung-ah, I don’t have much time. I’m here to answer your question. I can’t take your heart away because it isn’t mine. I can only tell you how to heal it. Time. You only need time to heal it. Along with the time, it will get better.”

“But I don’t want to lose my memory about you in my heart. If I have already lost your body, I can’t forget this memories.”

“Who said you need to forget about me. You just need to replace me. I don’t want to see you suffer. Love is a happiness to see the one that you love happy. In your heart, I still alive. Nothing will change the past. So please you do love me, right?” I nod and he continue, “Then, be happy for me.”

I can’t say anything, I only nod and I can feel his lips kiss mine.

“Goodbye~” he whisper.

*****

3 Years later

“Oppa, how are you? Still remember me, right? Like what you wish, I start to move on. I found another person than love me as much as you. He really cares about me and you know what? Next month, in the beginning of spring, I will get married.” I smile happily. “But I won’t forget about you, oppa. You will always stay in my heart no matter what and I will never stop loving you.”

“Krys! You ready?” my fiancé calls me.

“Ne~ Oppa!” I said to him and turn my head towards his grave again. ”Minho oppa, I should go back now.  Love you..” with that I leave his grave and run to my fiancé.

‘Yeah, love is a happiness. Oppa, I will never regret because I met you. You taught me everything about love. Oppa, I will never stop loving you. Never…’

my love is only you

=THE END=

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