“It’s strange, but it’s wonderful.”

Play this as you read the start, because it's relevent with the story.

It all started with that one long, haunting note that whispered down the empty corridors of my school. It was early in the morning and everyone was still fast asleep in their dorms, I’d woken up early to take a walk before breakfast started. There was something peaceful about walking down somewhere completely deserted, where usually there were crowds of rowdy teenage boys. There were no lights on, but the white morning sunlight shone in through the vertical windows on the doors and onto the terracotta tiles. The sound echoed towards me, and it was like I could almost see it, a wisp of music swirling through the dust that rose from the floor into the light. I followed it, and with every step it got louder, the notes wavered and faded, then started again. I was nearing the heart of the music, the small practice room, the door propped open with a small oak wedge. When I got to the heart, he got to my heart. He looked shocked when he saw me, and regrettably he lowered the wooden instrument. His expression changed however, when he noticed what I was looking at. The instrument was the same colour as his hair and eyes, a soft chestnut brown.

“It’s a Dizi,” he said as he followed my gaze, “a Chinese Bamboo Flute.”

“It sounds beautiful,” I breathed as he smiled.

“It does, doesn’t it?”

No questions were asked as to why I was up so early. Nothing else was said as I sat down onto the only spare stool. He just raised the flute to his mouth and began to practice again; his eyes locking with mine just once as he played.

Just once was enough.

~*~

“Can you play any instruments?” He asked when we met up for the fifth (sixth?) time. I sat down on my usual stool and bit my lip.

“No, I tried to play the piano once...” I scratched behind my ear in embarrassment – doing so was a habit of mine. He laughed lightly and my heart swelled.

“I can play a bit of piano, I’ll teach you,” he said as he rested his flute onto the music sheet stand in front of him.

“I don’t think that’s-” I stopped talking, dizzily overwhelmed by the flowery scent that trailed behind him as he walked past me to a small piano.

“Come here,” he said, as he patted the space beside him on the seat. I got up immediately and walked over to him, playing with the buttons of my blazer.

“Copy what I do,” he said softly, as his fingers mapped out a short, simple melody across the black and white keys. I tried my best to copy it, but I fumbled a few times and hit the keys too sharply and swore to myself. He didn’t say anything though; he just placed his hand on top of mine and guided me patiently. Soon enough I’d learnt it, but then he’d try and teach me something else a little harder. Every evening after dinner we’d head to the music room and he’d practice some flute, and then teach me some piano. After a few days I was getting more and more confident.

“See this, this is an A sharp here,” he pointed out on the music sheet as I gazed at his dark eyelashes.

“Why are you teaching me this same piece?” I asked suddenly as I turned my head and scanned my eyes over the foreign looking language of music in front of me.

“Maybe someday we could do a duet together,” he smiled.

~*~

He unclenched my arm and pushed me into the shower cubicle in the washroom of my dorm, and the he turned the control knob which let out an unpleasant squeak of resistance, but sure enough thick lukewarm water fell harsh from the rusty showerhead and splashed directly onto my hair and completely soaked through my dark blue uniform.

“Have you cooled down yet?” he asked sternly, only a little furious as he crossed his arms. I looked at him through my dripping wet fringe and I saw him physically shudder at my gaze.

“...Yes,” I managed to answer. He leant against the open door of the cubicle and sighed, looking away from me. The water continued to seep under my collar and down my back, sticking my white shirt nicely to my skin.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” he said finally looking at me.

“He deserved it!” I said a little louder, my heart shattering at what had happened in the cafeteria.

“You didn’t need to lunge yourself at him, Sehun!” he shouted back suddenly, which startled me for a second. I didn’t say anything back. How could I? Lu Han turned away from me again and stared at the ceiling.

“Lucky I dragged you away in time...”

I breathed out. The sound of the running water splattering against the tiles around me filled the silence that followed.

“I could’ve handled it...” he said.

“You can’t just ignore something like that and hope it goes away!” I frowned in despair and ran my hand through my hair.

“But-”

“Lu Han! His hand was going up your thigh!” I yelled, then I spat out some shower water that had ran into my mouth. His eyes widened at my blunt outburst. Crap. I didn’t mean to shout at him.

“I’m sorry I-” I stuttered as he walked towards me into the cubicle and then the water was dripping onto his hair and clothes too as he leaned in and pecked my lightly on the lips.

“Oh,” he gasped as our noses bumped, innocence radiating from his eyes as he had forgot to turn his head. My expression softened, any anger or jealousy swirled around our shoes and washed down the drain with the water. I smiled and used my hand to cup his jaw and I tilted his head gently to his right, whilst I went to my right. He looked confused until our lips touched, then his eyes closed and the kiss lingered as the water ran shamelessly between us.

~*~

The last few weeks of our school days were spent chasing each other down the empty hallways in the early mornings and sharing sneaky kisses behind shelves in the library. Sometimes I think back to these days, wishing I could just relive the moments, rewind and play them again and again. I’ll never forget his laughter when I ended up catching him by his waist, his smile when he finally mastered a heart-stopping new song on his flute, or the strange adrenaline I got when we thought he heard a teacher and pressed ourselves together in between the lockers hoping that they wouldn’t walk past us.

~*~

“Did you see hear my solo?” He asked excitably as he clutched at my hands.

“I did, and so did everyone else in the concert,” I recalled how everyone had frozen in their velvet seats as the enticing sound over them. Others had played the flute in the orchestra’s concert, but none of them could make it sound like Lu Han did. There was something special about him, about his breath that no one could match to. Lu Han gasped and bowed as bustles of people walked past, congratulating him on his solo performance and wishing him luck for the future. Our future was together now, now that we no longer need to go to school. Our future was unplanned, but it felt so right when he was near me.

We waited until everyone had exited the foyer and when they had, nothing could stop us from wrapping our arms around each other, the black padded instrument case in his hand tapping against my back.

“You’re going to be famous one day,” I smiled as he hummed.

~*~

A month or so later from that moment, he took my hand and led me into an old dusty house.

“It’s a bit shabby but we can fix that,” he said as he wiped the front of a glass-panelled cabinet, revealing a jasmine flower pattern embossed into it.

“With all the money from your CD’s,” I smiled and ruffled his thick hair, he nudged me playfully with his elbow.

“Well I don’t know,” he thought out as we walked into a large open living room, “if there will be enough room for all your astronomy posters.”

“Oi,” I growled as I wrestled him onto an ancient-looking chaise longue. The plastic-covering crackled as he tried to wriggled out from underneath me, the wooden feet of the sofa creaked across the musky floorboards. He stopped, and his warm breath tingled on my cheeks. Time stopped, and the dust settled as our lips brushed together.

~*~

I watched in anxiety as he writhed beneath me, grabbing the bed sheets and pulled them towards him in the darkly lit room. I his hair back and asked if he was alright as a bead of sweat dripped down from my brow. ‘Just don’t stop, never stop,’ he said. I moved then, slowly but truly and he turned into a mess, pawing at my back like he was going to fall.

“You can’t be too loud,” I whispered before I leant down and kissed him. Right then was the best moment. When he was all my senses. I could smell his scent; I could hear his moans, taste his kiss. See him, touch him. The air got heavier and stuffier and it was getting harder to breathe as my pace quickened, and he created his own pace too, matching against mine and this was by far the happiest moment and I revelled in it and I didn’t want it to end.

Then it finished, like all good things do. We were spent, exhausted...but still passionate in our movements. Neither of us made any attempt to pull away before we fell asleep.

~*~

I caressed the smooth skin of his shoulder, and he looked up at me with those large, round eyes. The bed sheets were crinkled messily around us, but they were softer than the new material they had been last night. He breathed out and closed his eyes as I traced stars across his collarbone. I closed my eyes too, and cuddled close to him, sharing warmth under the covers. The thought that I would be able to hug him like this forever soothed me like the feeling I got as his hands trailed sleepily down my sides.

~*~

Our time in our new home together was running happily and smoothly, a year went by with no troubles at all, we were like newlyweds, just without the marriage.

But then I noticed a change, and it was late when Lu Han came home again. He said it was because the traffic was busier than usual.

It was only after I was sitting next to him on the hospital bed did I realise where he had been going.

“I’m sorry for not telling you sooner,” He whispered, he slid his hand into mine as he leant back onto the pillows, “I’ll get better I promise.”

I sniffed and turned to watch the monitor at the side of the bed, watching his heartbeats on the dark green screen, knowing that he wouldn’t have one of these machines strapped to him if it wasn’t something serious. He looked away from me and at the wooden instrument clutched in his other hand.

“I’ll be out of here in no time,” he said quietly.

A sad flute melody followed me through the white hospital walls as I walked slowly back down the corridor, getting further away from him with every step. The nurses wouldn’t let me stay after visiting hours.

~*~

“Tell me something about the stars,” he asked one night, in the second month of him being in hospital, as we both sat on the bed and stared out the window at the night sky.

“When you look at a star, you think you’re seeing it as it is, but really you’re seeing it as it was. You’re looking at stars from billions of years ago, because it takes that long for their light to reach you. So most of the stars your looking at right now, don’t actually exist anymore...it’s really strange to think about, isn’t it?”

I took his hand and squeezed it gently.

“It’s strange, but it’s wonderful,” he smiled as he looked out and continued to gaze at the stars.

~*~

The next day when I visited, I was greeted with a blindingly white, empty room.

“Where is he?”

“We’re really sorry for your loss...Lu Han passed away peacefully this morning.”

~*~

I collapsed onto my bed, instrument case clutched to my chest. I turned my head to look in the mirror; my eyes were still red...three months was a long time to cry. The funeral played over and over in my head still, from the moment his mother broke down crying in the middle of her speech, to the end of the service where we were allowed to see his body if we wanted to. I knew seeing him would make it worse, I knew I needed to keep the memories of him whilst he was alive, laughing and breathing, but something pulled me towards the coffin where I laid eyes on his face. My lover. Enclosed in a glass and ebony case, lying on purple velvet. He reminded me of his bamboo flute, snug in its protective case. You could only see him from his shoulders and up. They had put make-up on him, they’d put him in a suit...his orchestra suit. If someone hadn’t known better he could’ve been sleeping, like how I’d wake up early every morning in the year we were living in the house together, and see him asleep next to me quietly snoring. I willed myself not to cry again, for fear that his spirit was there somewhere nearby, watching me say goodbye. It was just his shell lying before me, a beautiful puppet for his soul. He was like a star, I was looking directly at him like he was there...but he wasn’t. His voice was gone. His breath was gone. I’d never see him play the flute again. I’d never kiss him or hold him ever again. The moment I left the church I knew that all I had left of him were photos and memories and it hurt, it hurt so bad. I remember standing on my own in the middle of the quiet cemetery road, watching the hearse drive away with his body, but I didn’t feel alone. I felt his presence, as if he was standing with me, watching them drive away too. I wished so much that I could just turn around and he’d be there, holding his flute and out-stretching his arms. He wasn’t.

I’d just slumped upstairs after I let the lawyer out. He’d brought around the will, Lu Han’s last wishes that he’d wrote at the hospital four months ago. Lu Han was here four months ago...He was in this bed six months ago. I wiped away a tear that had escaped my eye.

He left me this house and the contract for his CD’s so now I’d get the money.

He left me his flute.

He left me.

I held up the case, and then let it fall down onto the pillows next to me. I opened the case and there it was, Lu Han’s Dizi Chinese Bamboo Flute. The only one he’s ever had. The one he’s practiced and performed with. The one the colour of his hair, of his eyes. I breathed in and lifted it carefully out of its velvet bed.

Something was different though. Something had changed. That’s when I noticed a small sliver of white poking out of the end of the flute. I sniffed and turned the flute so I could look in the end of it, and I pinched the corner of white and pulled it out to reveal a tightly rolled and folded piece of A4 paper. I frowned and unrolled it, flattening out the corners on my knee. I froze. I was covered front to back, side to side in handwriting. Lu Han’s small curvy handwriting.

My wonderful, strong, handsome astronomer,

If you’re reading this then I’m so happy, because you found my message! Ah, then I feel sad again...because you’re on your own as you read this, aren’t you? I’m sitting in the hospital right now; I’m not feeling too good and...I know that I’m not going to be around for much longer. Thank you for visiting me every day, it truly makes me happy. I wish you could’ve slept over too but these hospitals are so strict! I wish we could have spent more time together...I really do. I just want you to know, Sehun that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life and I am so glad I met you.

Though sometimes I wish that time would reverse, and that I’d have just told you to get out of my practice room when we first met, so then we wouldn’t have met and you wouldn’t be feeling so much hurt right now. I’m so sorry for what you have had to go through, I really am. I really love you. I know as you read this that...that I am by your side anymore. Though I am in your heart and you are in mine, and that is enough for me. I don’t know what will happen when I go...but I know that whatever happens, wherever I am afterwards, I will still love you. I’ll love you forever and always.

There’s just one thing I want you to promise me. I know that I’ve broken promises before so I’m being a stupid hypocrite right now but I need you to promise me this. Promise me that you will not harm yourself, make yourself sick, or even...kill yourself because of me. Never do this, ever, okay Sehun? There are things I need you to live for. Very very important things.

I ran my fingers across the smudges on the page, where his tears had fallen as he had written this and made the ink run. I shakily turned the page over.

His name is Lu Bao.

I kept this a secret from you, Sehun, because I knew I had to do something. I knew I couldn’t leave you on your own and I knew that this disease was terminal even though I promised you I'd get better and that after I’m gone you’ll struggle to cope. I know you.

Before we moved into our house, Sehun, I went to visit my childhood friend. I was desperate because I just...I love you so much. I sat down with her and we talked. She’s like an older sister to me, though I hadn’t seen her in quite a while. I told her about you, Sehun, and I told her that I didn’t have much time left, and she understood me.

What your going to read next is shocking, my love, but please just don’t stop reading.

I asked her to have my child. I went to the hospital with her, and I...donated.

He was made through IVF.

I covered my mouth with my hand, the tears spilt from my eyes without mercy.

For nine months of us living in our house, she carried the child. She’s had four children before, and she was so happy to help...she is so lovely and I can’t thank her enough. I know this is a huge shock, but I love you and keep reading.

So then he was born, three months before I went into hospital. She didn’t want me at the birth because she said it was for the better. I first saw him when he was two months old. Sehun he was so tiny and peaceful I couldn’t believe it...I just, I feel so young but I...I have a son and I can’t believe it! He’s so perfect and I loved him!

Then of course now I’m in hospital, I haven’t seen him for two months, so now as I write this I guess he’s...four months old? It makes me so happy when I think of him, Sehun, and when I think of you.

That’s why I want you to raise him.

I know it’s so selfish of me but...that’s why I asked my friend to have him. I don’t want you to be alone but I don’t want you to forget about me and fall in love with someone else...I just want him to grow up with you, with someone I love and trust more than anything.

His name is Lu Bao, and he is our son.

Do you want to know why I called him Bao? Bao means ‘precious treasure’, because you are my precious treasure and I want him to be yours. I know you will look after him well. He’s got a part of me with him in his heart, like you do too. I’m so sorry for everything Sehun, and I wish that I could’ve grown old with you. I love you so much.

Take care of my flute!

Lu Han

Ps. Below I’ve written the contact details for my childhood friend, please contact her. I know it will be hard but I need you to do this. He needs you. I’ll always love you, Sehun, I can’t say this enough. Please don’t forget about me when I’m gone.

My eyes scanned over the numbers at the bottom of the page. I thought I was going to pass out. It was just...

There were no words. I was so angry, but I forgave him for everything. I was so happy that he did this, but I was terrified. All this time I didn’t suspect a single thing. He lied to me multiple times...but it was all for me, he did this all for me. Lu Han had a son...for me.

“B-Bao,” I whispered and the words rolled off my tongue sweetly, the Chinese name that Lu Han had chosen, “precious treasure.”

I need to see him.

~*~

I met with her. I met with his childhood friend. She picked up the phone immediately when I called the numbers at the bottom of Lu Han’s letter.

“You’re Sehun, aren’t you?”

“Y-Yes.”

“Let’s meet up for coffee, okay? Since you’ve rang me I guess you’ve read the letter Lu Han said that he was going to write you...this must be very traumatic for you...”

I met up with her at a coffee shop nearby to where I lived, it turns out she didn’t live far either. Her name was Lee Yoomi. She met Lu Han when she was very young, when her family lived in China. She’s half Chinese, half Korean. She was married to an artist; he died in a car crash two years ago and s

he’s got four children, two are twins. Lu Bao was her fifth child.

“I don’t know you Sehun,” she said seriously, “But Lu Han trusts you with his life, with his child and I trust him. Just remember that the baby is also my child too. I’ve actually gotten most of the custody papers for you signed and sorted out, all we need if your signature and authentication. I’m not expecting to see him regularly...when I part with him, I think it would be best that I don’t see him too regularly...”

“I...understand,” I said, she noticed the tone in my voice and moved so she sat next to me.

“You’re strong, Sehun. I’m glad that you haven’t run away from this but... I’m always a phone call away, remember that.”

That was when my tears started again. I just couldn’t believe it; the reality of it all was sinking in. I was so young...but I was going to raise a child. Lu Han's child. I was thankful though, because if it wasn’t for Lu Bao, I really wouldn’t be here anymore. I know I would have ended up taking my own life. I cried into her shoulder for a while, her shawl was warm and smelt of baking and cinnamon. She had a perfect motherly smell. That just made me cry more.

“I don’t think I’m stable enough,” I said when I finally calmed down and she bought me another coffee.

“You will be. When you see him,” she smiled.

~*~

Lu Han was right. He was tiny.

I was shaking when I walked into her house, but Yoomi was kind, and she held my arm to support me. When I asked why the house was so quiet she explained that her other children were at a daycare. Yoomi paid the babysitter, who then left with thanks, and sat me down on the couch. She disappeared from the room. Then she appeared five minutes later holding a small yellow bundle.

“I d-don’t know-” I stuttered as she walked over to me.

“Like this,” she said as she showed me how she was holding him. I tried my best to copy her. Then she put him in my arms.

Warmth spread through my hands, and I let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding. His face was beautiful. He was just a baby but he...he looked like Lu Han; the nose was exactly the same.

“...Is he asleep?”

She didn’t answer me, but she leant over and tickled the baby’s cheek. He squirmed and a bolt of terror rose up my spine, I thought I was going to drop him but...then I realised I was sitting down. He yawned, and everything about him was just so small, so cute, and so precious.

And then he opened his eyes.

Lu Han’s eyes.

~*~

The bedroom door creaked open slowly, and a pair of wide chestnut brown eyes peered in. I was sitting on the edge on the bed as I listened to the CD. The calming wind music playing into the room.

“What’s that Daddy?”

The door opened a little more and a little figure shuffled in anxiously. I smiled when I saw him, and motioned for him to come over to me, which he did obediently. Then he stared curiously at the instrument that was resting in my hands.

“This is a Dizi,” I told him, and he reached out his small chubby fingers and ran them over it bumps and grooves, “A Chinese Bamboo Flute.”

“Can you play it?” he asked in his high, innocent voice.

“No, but a person I love very very much can, this is him playing it right now,” I chuckled softly when he gasped and paused to listen to the music, “Can you hear it?”

“It sounds pretty,” he smiled up at me, through gapped teeth. I ruffled his hair affectionately.

“It does, doesn’t it?”

~*~