Dear YoSeobie,

            It’s been a while since I heard your voice. Do you sound the same? The voice in my head is slowly changing into something different. I’m afraid I won’t recognize your voice when I hear it again.

            I keep your picture with me at all times. When I think of you I take it out and stare at it trying to remember every detail and contour of your face, committing it to memory. I smile like an idiot while looking at it. Have you changed much since I last saw you? I wonder if your smile is still as bright as I remember, reaching all the way up to your eyes. I also miss how you stick out your tongue when you are in deep thought. It causes you to wrinkle your nose and squint your eyes.

            Speaking of eyes, yours never leave my mind. Every time I close my eyes, yours appear behind my eyelids. Sometimes I close my eyes just to see them, to remember you. I pray for dreams at all times, sleeping and awake. Sometimes I wonder if you were a dream. Were you a dream?

            I look at my hands and think of your fingers laced with mine because the spaces between my fingers are where yours fit perfectly. I can still feel your thumb tracing circles on my skin. I remember how you liked to hold my hand and tickle my palm. It used to annoy me but I miss it. I miss you.

            Sometimes I will hear a laugh and think of you. I liked how you laughed, even though you would always cover you mouth in embarrassment because you were loud. It always made me laugh. The sound would ring in my ears afterward. Your laughter reminded me of a child, pure excitement and joy. I still smile thinking about it. I want to hear your laugh again.

            When I’m cold, I’m reminded of you and how you acted as my blanket. When I wrap myself up, the absence of your warmth reminds me I’m alone. This blanket isn’t warm enough. I think of how your arms would surround me holding me close to you. I could feel your warm breath on my neck as you nuzzled close to me afraid I was still cold. Our breathing was united then, inhaling and exhaling at the same time. When I think of it my chest becomes tight and I feel suffocated. I need you to help me remember how to breathe.

            The thought of being close to you still sends chills up my spine. Do you remember when I used to cuddle up to your chest and hum to your heartbeat? The rhythm was music to my ears. It would accelerate when my fingers traced your sculpted abs. You were self-conscious enough to work for hours trying to perfect them. I just liked using them as a makeshift keyboard to your heart. I wonder if you still remember how it felt. Can I play my favorite tune when you come home?

            I’m trying to remember the way you smelled at the moment because it is difficult to describe. It was a mixture of soap, sweat, and deodorant. You said putting on cologne was a hassle and the smell annoyed your sinuses and affected your singing. I preferred your lack of strong cologne as well. It made your scent more distinct. Do you remember my scent? You used to play with my hair saying you liked how it smelled of vanilla and cherry blossoms. You said it was one of a kind and suited me perfectly. I still smell that way.

            Has you hair grown any? I still feel the tingle on my hands; you know the way my hands would feel after playing with your hair for a long period of time. You would fall asleep under my touch. You said playing with you hair was soothing; I agreed because it gave me time to clear my mind. I miss relaxing with you. I want to play with your hair until my fingers go numb.

            I feel like I’m missing my other half with you gone. When are you coming back? I miss feeling complete like when you and I danced together. Your skills always made up for my lack of skills. It’s been a while since I danced. Do you remember that night you pulled me around the living room for over an hour? We ended up swaying but you never wanted to stop. You said it felt like we were floating. I remember thinking you were silly, now I wish I had held onto you longer. Do you feel incomplete as well?

            Our song came on the other day while I was at the store. I sung along without thinking. People looked at me strangely. I guess I forgot I was tone-deaf for a moment. I want to hear you sing that song to me again. I don’t sleep well these days. I think I grew too accustomed to your lullabies. Will you sing to me when you come back?

            When we met we both felt broken. Past relationships loomed over us. Our hearts were torn but we found that our pieces fit together perfectly, yours and mine. I think of those charms where each person has a part of the heart so that they can carry it around with them and when they are together they are united again. I want our hearts to be reunited.

            Sometimes I wonder if I dreamed you up to make myself happy. Were you just a dream all this time? Someone as perfect as you couldn’t really exist, could he? It isn’t until I see our pictures together and your clothes in the closet that I believe you are real. The ring on my left hand makes it a complete reality. It ties us together with promises and love. I love you. I haven’t been able to tell you for some time now. Let me repeat it, I love you. Are you smiling? I am.

            Being able to say that makes me happy. I think of the first time I said it. I was terrified. Did I ever tell you that? I was afraid you didn’t feel the same way. The look on your face was priceless that day. I wish I had had a mirror to show you what you looked like. It will be engrained in my memory forever. You said it was one of the happiest moments in your life. Is it still at the top of the list? My happiest moment was when you asked for my hand and every time you said I love you as well. To hear you say those words again would be enough to make me happy for the rest of my life. I love you; I just had to tell you again.

            All of our fights seem so insignificant now that I think about them. I can’t even remember what most of them were about, but I do remember the make-ups. The way you kissed me after a fight made me forget everything. Whether or not I wanted to make-up with you, I didn’t have a choice. Who could ever stay mad at you anyways?

            Those kisses still linger on my lips. The sighs you released, breath warming my face as you pulled away smiling, knowing I lost the battle with my emotions. You would hold our faces close together, staring straight into my eyes. It was disconcerting. I would be placed in a trance by your beautiful golden brown eyes. You said you hated blinking because you would miss me for the millisecond your eyes were closed. Do you miss me now that you are away? Do you now close your eyes in hopes of dreaming of me?

            I’m counting down the days until we can be together. The number is slowly decreasing, emphasis on the slow part. If I had a time machine, I’m not sure whether I would move forward or backwards in time in hopes of being with you again. Which would you do if you had a time machine? Either way, we would be together right, so it doesn’t matter if we go forwards or backwards.

            I promise to continue waiting for you. I’ll close my eyes to dreams of you. For now these memories will have to suffice in lieu of the real thing. You are always in my thoughts and heart. I’m sending my love your way. I’m praying for you everyday. Don’t forget you are the only guy for me, and have stolen my heart. I’ll be waiting for you to comeback and return it.

Sent with all of my love,

Jae