Angel of Mine

A clear night sky had swept over the earth. Instead of the sun, a moon, and instead of clouds, stars. Every home out there in the city of Seoul, a family must be sleeping. How peaceful life would be for them. Children would wake up to a nice breakfast prepared by mom and head to school, fathers would sit at the table with a cup of coffee, mother busy at the stove. That was really ideal.

The other side of the city where the not so well-off lived must have homes filled with the scent of a family. Even though poor, they’d struggle together. Sons wouldn’t abandon mothers, daughters wouldn’t abandon their siblings. At least they had family.

Victoria stared at the moon fazed by its brightness. In her world, there was no moon, no such brightness. A dark blanket had enveloped her once bright world.

12 months ago she’d fallen so hard and so fast. It had never happened before, but she became crazy. That person who filled every corner of her mind. The person she befriended, kissed, slept with. Before being perfectly aware, he’d become a part of her.

12 months ago that man left. No, he didn’t leave her for another woman. He didn’t leave her because people pried them apart. He hadn’t left because of an argument. He left because he had no choice.

“Become happier.”

His words trailed on in her mind endlessly those 12 months. Victoria, at first, had tried really hard, but as months went by her energy started fading. Now, she was just really tired and exhausted.

On nights when she couldn’t sleep, she’d play some music to lullaby her to sleep. However that tactic didn’t last long either. Countless nights Victoria woke up, walked around her apartment, and just stared out the window. At least she’d do that before her baby started stirring.

A beautiful baby girl had been bestowed to her by Eunhyuk. Yes, it was theirs together. The most beautiful existence that had resulted from their short time together, their love.

Victoria had given birth alone and cried after. She saw husbands accompanying wives through labor, husbands with the baby gently caressed within their strong arms and wives who smiled upon the sight. Victoria could only lay next to hers, alone.

At this moment, upon this time of night surrounded by silence Victoria wasn’t crying. No, she wasn’t. She’d like to think Eunhyuk didn’t want her crying, so she wouldn’t cry.

Her heart was empty, whether it was a momentary thing or whether it decided to stay she couldn’t say anymore. It had been an empty cavern within her for a long time. It would hurt when she didn’t want it to and it would cry when she had had enough. The pain would throb endlessly and she would become helpless to the predator of the night.

The whining of Song Eun Na entered her ears and she turned around to fetch the baby from her crib.

“Shh….” Victoria cooed gently embracing the beautiful life in her arms.

Moving back and forth, walking around her apartment she waited for the baby girl to fall back to sleep. She was so obedient, Victoria wondered if she would have a hard time at all when she started growing up.

Silence again penetrated the sad apartment and Victoria turned to look at the moon. Perhaps a crying baby would have been better than the silence wrapping its arms around her like a vulture. Once again, she became fazed by the moon.

She rose early the next morning, tended to her baby, and left her with the grandma next door. There were things Victoria needed to take care of. And one of them just so happened to want to see her that day.

After Eunhyuk’s death, Victoria had met that man again. She didn’t think she’d see him, not after the night she left without a word. She hadn’t thought of him once, nor had his existence mattered.

He plundered her with phone calls, insisted on meeting up. That was all when she was carrying Eun Na. Now that she thought of it, the only person she’d met after Eun Na’s birth and Eunhyuk’s death was that man.

Cho Kyuhyun.

Victoria had ran into him one night while searching for her beloved Eunhyuk. Her mind had been dizzy, she’d been drunk that night. Like two wandering souls, they met at a club and ended up at his place. The only other person she’d shared a night with other than her ex and Eunhyuk was him.

Cho Kyuhyun.

To think he would find her at the mart had never occurred to her.

The café was brewing with business when Victoria stepped inside. Its furnished walls were decked with peaceful paintings of golden meadows under a golden horizon, flower gardens hiding a cottage from view, and a sparkling river flowing underneath a cute tiny red bridge.

“Hi,” the young girl behind the cashier greeted with a gentle smile, “what can I get for you today?”

“Can I just get a small cup of mocha?” Victoria asked.

After picking up her drink she turned around to stare at the small couches and tables at the sides. Miniature coffee tables had been set in between them stacked with magazines and various books of all sorts. People were certainly busy with their lives.

Victoria, however, remained in one spot. She was unwilling to leave Eunhyuk’s side even if he wasn’t there physically.

“Victoria! Over here!” Kyuhyun waved to her from a circular table beside the window.

His face usually made him seem older than his age but yet, there was something about it that also resembled that of a young boy’s. Victoria couldn’t quite figure it out.

She walked toward him and sat down on the chair across from him.

“I almost didn’t think you’d come,” he smiled relieved.

He wanted a stable relationship, he wanted to settle down. After giving birth to Eun Na, he was first to step toward her and openly confessed without shame. It didn’t seem like he cared at all about the fact that she was carrying another man’s child.

“Can I not just be attracted to you by your stature and not what you’ve done?” he had once asked.

Victoria placed her grip around the coffee cup and reverted her eyes toward him. She couldn’t let it go on. Kyuhyun could have so much for him out there, things so much better than she.

“I’m sorry, Kyuhyun,” she apologized. “I said before, didn’t I? I don’t want to go into a relationship.”

His face relaxed into a determined smile.

“I knew you’d say that,” he admitted, “I don’t want to hear you apologize. It makes me seem like a worthless idiot. I just want to hear you say yes.”

Victoria’s eyes seemed to burn a hole into him. Bitter memories rushed back instantly.

“Become happier,” his voice was slowly fading. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t meet your expectations.”

“No, don’t say that.” Victoria shook her head. “I never had any. I told you I’d be happy if only I saw you, and I was happy, extremely happy…so don’t apologize. You’ll make my effort seem meaningless. You weren’t just something, but everything. Eunhyuk…”

It had never occurred to Victoria before. She had somewhat thought of Kyuhyun as a nuisance. Now after all this time, she was finally doubting herself. The one man who came after her relentlessly as if boundaries didn’t exist was probably another replica of her. Looking at him now reminded her of herself. Victoria had gone after Eunhyuk without putting much thought into it, she just knew she wanted to be with him again. And that was all that mattered.

Did Kyuhyun feel the same?

Her heart throbbed.

“So…that’s how it is…” Victoria seemed to talk to herself.

Kyuhyun tilted his head to look at her.

“Have you…ever been in love before?” Victoria asked.

He raised his eyebrow at her.

“Love is not mere affection, it isn’t just full of warm kisses, and doesn’t require two people to sleep together as I thought it was. Love…is a kind of warmth where you give without expecting to receive. It is a desire to be with someone,” Victoria explained, “maybe you are in love with me and maybe you aren’t. Don’t use me as a mirror for your own desires.”

Kyuhyun didn’t respond, but she could tell he was listening intensely to her words.

“My heart can only belong to one man.”

Their eyes met and an feeling of deep understanding prevailed.

“That man, is he your boyfriend who died?”

Victoria gazed at him softly. No matter how many times Kyuhyun had pestered her about his feelings for her, she couldn’t find it in herself to hate nor dislike him at all.

In the end, she could only smile.

“You once told me that you didn’t know him very well and blindly chased after him. Would it be the same story if I do the same?”

So, he was her. He was just like her.

“Don’t do this,” Victoria shook her head. “I really don’t like you that way.”

“It’s ok,” his voice saddened and lowered a pitch, “I’ll just give you time. Besides, it hasn’t been long since he left you. You’re probably still hurt about it. Wait…I shouldn’t be saying this to you. I’m sorry. I’ll just wait for you quietly, so don’t forget about me.”

Victoria finally left the café half an hour later. The mocha she’d bought hadn’t been touched at all and she left without bothering to take a sip of it.

The sky was a clear blue with clouds drifting in and out. Hadn’t she taken a walk around the city with Eunhyuk when they just met again? The memory was still so clear in her mind. While he was alive, he occupied every space in her mind. And even when he died, he still occupied every part of her.

Reminiscing about it all made her heart ache to no end.

She finally passed a floral shop downtown and headed inside. Victoria browsed the aisles and picked some flowers before heading back out. Now inside a taxi, she found her mind drifting off.

An image of Eunhyuk holding Eun Na within his arms warmed her heart. He would love his little girl so much. She could see the warm smile that would fill up his face as she sat beside him.

“Our little baby,” he would whisper into her ear, “is beautiful just like you.”

“We’re here, Miss,” the taxi driver’s voice reached her ears.

Victoria paid and stepped off. She stared at the dozen tombstones before her and stepped forth. Tightly clutching onto the bouquet she readied her heart for the sight of it once again.

Shopping for Eunhyuk’s funeral had been one of the worst experiences she’d ever had in her life. It had hurt so much and brought her more pain when she saw his tombstone arrive at the grave site. To know she would never see him again tore her heart out. And perhaps he’d taken it with him when his life slipped away.

Her lips were pressed together tightly and she bent down to place the bouquet beside his neatly engraved tombstone.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, “I can’t help but come here every day. I’m not happy like I told you I would be. I broke the promise, so…are you going to come scold me? Hurry, so I can hear your voice.”

Tears brimmed in the corners of her eyes.

“Eunhyuk…I miss you so much…”

Victoria returned to the apartment after picking Eun Na up from the grandma next door. The tiny girl in her arms wriggled happily at the sight of her.

“Aren’t you energetic today?” Victoria teased tickling her daughter.

The baby whimpered and laughed.

She grabbed a new set of clothes and after giving Eun Na a warm bath she dressed her. When the sun began to set, Victoria found herself sitting on the couch, Eun Na in her arms. As she drank away hungrily at the bottle, Victoria found her mind drifting again.

“If your father were here, he would make sure you were as plump as an alley cat,” Victoria smiled gently running her fingers through Eun Na’s thin strands of hair.

After settling Eun Na in her crib, Victoria climbed in bed and grabbed a hold of the shirt she’d taken from Eunhyuk’s apartment before she sent all his belongings away. She hadn’t planned on taking the shirt in the beginning, but the more time she spent in his apartment clearing out his stuff she felt an urge to take something that belonged to him. Something to remind her of who Eunhyuk was. And so, she’d taken the shirt out of desperation.

The porcelain angel had been well taken care of and now sat on her bedside table. She wanted to believe that it would look over her and Eunhyuk, just as Eunhyuk had believed his mother was an angel looking over him.

With a throbbing heart she buried her face into his shirt and fell asleep.

In the midst of Victoria’s dream she could feel a warm breeze whisk its way into her apartment slowly treading toward her. Eun Na stirred in her crib calmly, but even with her soft whimper Victoria did not wake. Suddenly, the warm breeze came closer and Victoria felt it run over her face before slowly tugging the shirt out of her arms as if telling her she shouldn’t be holding it anymore.

“No…” Victoria mumbled before her eyes slowly opened to the darkness.

She to her back and glanced about the room wondering what had just happened. Victoria clasped her hand around nothing and found Eunhyuk’s shirt sitting on the bedside table neatly folded up. Before a frown encased her face she felt her instincts tug at her conscience.

Instead of feeling afraid of what could be there, she felt warmth penetrate her. Climbing out of bed and walking pass Eun Na’s crib, she walked out of her bedroom. The lights were all off and when she turned to glance around the living room she felt her breath stop in .

A kind of white light shimmered and the glow softened just seconds later. Her eyes widened at the sight and her eyes watered. Before her was Eunhyuk.

He slowly swiveled around to look at her and before controlling herself, Victoria bounded forward into his arms tears running out from her eyes like water from a sink.

A loud wail escaped her.

“Eunhyuk! Eunhyuk!” she cried.

He didn’t speak, but pressed his hands on her shoulder separating him from her. Everything about him was the same. It was so unbelievable that Victoria’s heart quivered.

“Are you…real? Or am I dreaming?” her heart cried.

The Eunhyuk standing in front of her couldn’t be a dream. She wouldn’t be able to bear with it if he wasn’t real. It felt so good seeing him in front of her that it hurt just as much. More tears slipped from her pleading eyes as she reached a hand up to touch his face to confirm he was really there.

Her heart shook becoming more anxious by the second. Once her hand touched the warmth of his face, the cheek she’d often kissed, a sob escaped her. Wrapping her arms around his neck she dug her face into the fabric of his shirt. Her chest being ransacked with sobs could not find the time for her to breathe.

“Eunhyuk…I missed you so much! You can’t imagine how awful it’s been…”

Finally, his hand her hair gently.

“You’ve been doing well, you’ve done a good job.” his voice whispered into her ear.

Another cry seeped through her and she pressed him toward her closely.

When she let go she glanced up eagerly into his eyes, “Eun Na…do you want to see her?”

He smiled at her and nodded.

Excitedly taking him by the hand she led him toward her bedroom and toward Eun Na’s crib.

“She looks like you when she smiles,” Victoria smiled, “she has your nose. Look.”

She glanced at Eunhyuk with a broad smile and he returned it.

“Do you want to hold her?” Victoria suggested releasing Eunhyuk’s hand which she’d been gripping tightly.

“Ok.”

She reached into the crib and picked Eun Na up carefully before placing her in her father’s arms. Victoria allowed her eyes to in the sigh before her. Father and daughter…just as she’d always imagined.

“She’s so pretty like her mother.” Eunhyuk commented before turning to look at her.

Victoria’s heart melted.

“My little girl is going to grow up well,” Eunhyuk gently grasped Eun Na’s small hand.

After settling Eun Na back into her crib Eunhyuk led her out.

“Did you eat? You didn’t have dinner before you went to sleep, did you?” Eunhyuk asked.

Victoria stared at him. He knew everything.

“Something wrong?” Eunhyuk turned to look at her.

Victoria smiled and shook her head.

“I’ll cook something for you.” Eunhyuk offered searching through her fridge.

Her eyes burned with tears. If only he were really alive he’d take care of her. He’d never leave her side. He would have made sure she quickly regained her health after giving birth, he could have done so much. They would have done so much together. The thought of being with him was so overwhelming. If only he had always been there with her.

Victoria rushed forward and threw her arms around him from behind.

“I’m so happy to see you again.” Victoria cried. “I missed you so much I wanted to die. Eunhyuk, I love you so much.”

Eunhyuk gently pried her away and turned around to face her. Running a hand up the side of her face he smiled.

“I missed you too. Don’t cry anymore.”

Victoria nodded her head in promise.

Eunhyuk cooked and she ate away full of smiles. It was the first meal she’d literally enjoyed in 12 months.

He washed the dishes and grabbed her hand leading her back to the living room.

“Victoria,” Eunhyuk finally called her name, “you know what to do, don’t you?”

She stared at him blankly.

“Be good and stop pondering over me,” he pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear.

Victoria’s heart tightened and twisted painfully. It hurt so bad she couldn’t describe it. Only tears reached her eyes.

“I can’t,” Victoria shook her head, “I love you so much…I can’t just forget you like that. Eunhyuk…”

He continued smiling away.

“I’ll always be here, I promise I’ll always be with you.”

Victoria shook her head again as more tears ran down her face.

“Promise me to think about me every now and then, but don’t keep focusing on the past. New people will await you in your future and you can do so much more. Hmm? You’re my good girl, aren’t you?”

Cries ransacked her body making her shake. Wrapping her arms around him she buried her face in his neck.

“Just stay with me a little more. I promise, I always listen to you, don’t I?” Victoria begged. “I’ll move forward, I’ll be ok, but don’t go yet.”

He patted her back before releasing her from a hug.

“I’m sorry that I hurt you so much and left you behind like that,” Eunhyuk caressed her face with a hand.

Why did it feel like a farewell again? Victoria didn’t want it. A soft whimper escaped as she placed a hand over his.

“I love you,” Eunhyuk said before leaning forward to give her a kiss.

Victoria locked her lips with his.

“I love you, Eunhyuk.”

Victoria awoke in bed with the sun shining in through the window brightly. Her eyes moved around the room and she sat up. She turned to see Eunhyuk’s shirt sitting on the bedside table and quickly ran out.

Had it really been a dream? Or had Eunhyuk really come to her?

She entered the kitchen to find the dishes freshly dried and turned to stare into the living room.

Eunhyuk had really come.

That afternoon after leaving Eun Na with the grandma next door again Victoria found herself stepping into the café feeling renewed. Suddenly she had more energy flowing through her than before and her mind felt as if it had been cleared up.

Instead of buying a mocha she went straight to the back to find Kyuhyun waiting for her.

Sitting down she turned to look at him.

“You said you’d wait and time didn’t matter,” Victoria said. “Kyuhyun, don’t wait for me.”

His eyes bore into her.

“Maybe if you’re patient enough, a year or two will do, or perhaps even three. If you’re still alone then, maybe I’ll come to you. I won’t guarantee anything.”

“So first it’s a no, then second it’s a yes.” Kyuhyun narrowed an eye at her. “That’s confusing.”

“Take it however you want.” Victoria smiled.

“You feel different today,” Kyuhyun commented, “but I like it. You definitely look happier.”

Victoria left the café, retrieved Eun Na from the grandma, and took her for a walk around the city. When she returned, she cooked something nutritious for the first time, and sat down to a meal of fresh food. While eating she tilted her head up. She could still see Eunhyuk standing in front of her sink washing the dishes clean.

He had been there after all. From beginning to the end, he had always been there.

She stepped outside of her apartment for some fresh air after the grandma had come over to keep Eun Na company since her own grand daughter now wanted to do her own things. The blue sky had transitioned into night while she’d gone from the park and back to her apartment. Tilting her head up to look at the stairs she deeply sighed and smiled.

Taking a step forward she found herself looking forward to the day she would open herself up to another friend. Perhaps, Kyuhyun. But right now, all she wanted was her memories of Eunhyuk and Eun Na.

A warm and soft breeze whisked by her before she felt something soft against her hand. A gentle and firm grip tightened around her hand before she turned to see Eunhyuk walking beside her. His radiant smile told her that happiness would await her future. That no matter what, he’d always be on her side as long as she was happy.