Break-ups are nasty.

That’s what Onew concluded as he scrubbed the lead vocalist’s back soothingly. Jonghyun may have appeared strong and chipper. Jonghyun may have convinced his head that the relationship had ran its course. But his heart wasn’t susceptible to that crap.  Sure it was only a matter of time before he and SeKyung were found out, and sure it was inevitable that they’d be separated into a lesser arrangement….to only be friends. That didn’t mean Jonghyun had to like it. He didn’t. And as soon as he snuck off incognito to SeKyung home for the last time, he dragged himself back to the dorm and let lose.

The ever kind leader, Onew had wrapped an arm around his shoulder only moments when the younger man was inside. Had the rest of the members been there, of course, they’d all see to their heartbroken friend just like Onew. But since Onew was all Jonghyun had at the moment, he’d have to make do. Jonghyun’s face quickly became a mess of tears, saliva and mucus from how hard he was sobbing. He didn’t hold back with his cries. The hiccups erupting from his throat made Onew worry that Jonghyun might rupture something on the inside. Trying to calm the man down and feeling uncomfortable at the same time, Onew realized that perhaps, he was all that Jonghyun needed anyway. The others would feel even more awkward than he. The others would know even less what to do in this situation. He was the head hyung, he was the most sensitive to emotions since he was like a big brother or father, so therefore, he’d be the best choice.

Jonghyun’s face was smeared with dirt. In fact, he was dirty and wet all over. Through blubbers, Jonghyun admitted he’d slipped and fell a couple of times in the rain. And Onew could picture the sad scene; Jonghyun running blindly, staggering around in the heavy showers, bumping into the living and the inanimate, falling, crying even harder…

He didn’t waste his breath asking why Jonghyun didn’t call a cab or one of the members. He just helped the red faced young man into the bathroom. Only sniffles were heard as Onew immediately went to work helping Jonghyun undress and running a steaming bath. He didn’t bat an eye as one of his best friends stood there shivering and , staring at him as he got rid of the soaked, muddy clothes and dipping his finger in the water to see if it was just right. Onew soon motioned him over and steadied Jonghyun by the upper arm as he stepped into the tub.

And now here they were.

No words were exchanged ever since Jonghyun had confessed running home in the rain, but now Onew was starting get even more upset than he already was. Jonghyun was still trembling from crying, face clenching together and growing even blotchier. Onew’s shifted on the toilet, still scrubbing. Both hadn’t noticed he’d been scrubbing the same patch of reddening skin for about a minute now.

“Stop crying so hard, Jonghyun-ah. You’re going to make yourself sick,” he said softly.

“I can’t…I-I c-can’t help it,” came a hoarse, gurgled response. “I m-miss her already. It’s n-not fair!”

Water splashed furiously. Jonghyun had slammed his fists down. A bit got on the leader but he took it in stride.

“I know….but getting sick isn’t going to help things.” Onew chose his words carefully, closing his eyes with a sigh. “I don’t like seeing you like this...just try to relax.”

Jonghyun twisted his neck to see the older boy. Just that look alone crushed Onew’s spirits. Jonghyun resembled a lost little boy. A little boy who’d lost his mother in the grocery store and thought he’d never see her again.

“Hyung, have you ever been in love?”

“I…can’t say that I have.”

“I’m in love with her.” He whispered as coherently as he could. His lips balled as more tears came. “And nobody understands. I don’t think anyone could.” His glassy, puppy eyes studied Onew’s, as if trying to will some of the understanding into the leader.  Or to see if Onew had the capability of understanding.

Onew’s gaze softened even more. “Why don’t you think I understand?”

There was a mutual silence until Jonghyun turned back around, frowning because he didn’t know what to say. Onew put the brush down and touched Jonghyun’s shoulder. The younger man was still partially cold there.

“I can’t promise you that I understand completely. But I’ll be here as long as you want me to.”

Jonghyun didn’t say anything. Yet he surprised the leader by grasping his hand, the hand on his shoulder. A shuddery sigh came from his swollen lips. Onew felt the sigh penetrate his bones.  Somehow, it felt good to have his hand squeezed so desperately in Jonghyun’s hold.

“Why don’t they understand?” he whimpered gently. “Why can’t they see that we get lonely too? I bet if they understood…they wouldn’t have made me leave her…”

Onew bit his lip. He could attest to being lonely. But he also knew there was a price to pay as a male idol. One that dealt with girlfriends. The fans were loved dearly but they always had to be appeased. They were jealous, demanding creatures. To stay in their favor, one simply didn’t get a girlfriend.

“It was for safety,” Onew replied unsurely. “We made an agreement when we formed the band….”

“Bull,” Jonghyun spat. Onew’s hand was constricted even more. The auburn-haired man could tell the tears were coming again. “It’s all bull. SeKyung and I dated for almost a year. If no one had found out, we’d still be dating. Those sneaky ing reporters…I hate them. We were safe.” Jonghyun’s other hand went to wipe his nose. “They just want us to be puppets, I get that. I didn’t come in this industry expecting all freedoms. But puppets need love too, hyung….everyone needs love.”

“You love what you do, Jonghyun-ah. The way you sound, its like you want to quit…”

“I don’t. Being away from her though…”It took him a minute to finish; when he spoke again, it was rough. “It ing hurts already.”

Another surprise. Jonghyun moved their hands downward. He didn’t stop until Onew’s palm stopped over the left side of his bare, wet chest.

“Here hyung,” he sobbed weakly. “Here, it already hurts so much. And I don’t know even know where to start to heal it. I won’t stop suffering…”

Finally, finally, Onew’s own eyes stung. Like the Jonghyun who left the dorm only two hours before, he’d been strong on the outside. Now, being the stronger of the two for Jonghyun’s sake was near impossible.

Onew leaned down. He embraced Jonghyun’s upper body from the back, not caring about getting thoroughly soaked. Jonghyun appreciatively latched onto the strong, pale arms holding him. As he sniffled, Onew propped his head on the younger’s shoulder and let it lean against Jonghyun’s damp skull.

“It will get better, Jonghyun-ah. As long as you believe it will, it will get better.” Onew unlocked one arm after a while, took Jonghyun’s hand and raised it so both of them had their palms over Jonghyun’s heart again. “The source of your pain,” he breathed. “Can also be…the source of your recovery.”

“I…I don’t know. H-how can it when she’s all I want? She’s all I need…”

Onew swallowed. Again, how to say what he wanted?

He sighed deeply. A twinge of whatever it was that happened whenever Onew was too close to Jonghyun physically rippled through his body. Bravely, he clutched their hands closer to Jonghyun’s chest. Better now than never.

“I know that’s how you feel…but you don’t know what can happen. New love can come. New love can change everything.”

Jonghyun tired eyes widened slightly. “New love?”

“Yes…”

The younger head dropped, crestfallen. “I doubt it. I’ll never stop loving SeKyung.”

To that, Onew closed his eyes painfully. When they opened, his expression was even more determined than ever. It also helped that Jonghyun couldn’t see it.

“That may be true,” he started gently. “But you still don’t know what might happen. Maybe one day you’ll really see her as a friend, even though you may still have feelings for her. Maybe you could move on, find someone else and fall in love with them…we’re young. Anything is possible.”

It was quiet sans Jonghyun’s frantic breathing from sobbing.

“Sounds complicated,” he finally whispered.

Onew smiled half-heartedly. “Sometimes it is,” he whispered back.

After that, not much else was said. Onew continued to wash up Jonghyun until the younger was clean, warmed up and wrapped in a fluffy towel. Jonghyun sat on the toilet now. Onew was straightening up the bathroom a little more before going to retrieve some clothes for the younger. He didn’t notice that Jonghyun was staring at him again. But Jonghyun made himself known once again with another surprise.

A shocked “ump” tumbled from Onew’s lips as he was suddenly enveloped., almost staggering back into the rack on the door.

“Thank you hyung.” Jonghyun’s voice muffled into Onew’s neck. From the abrupt move, the towel was relieved from Jonghyun’s body, so he now hugged the taller man . But him being wasn’t the only reason Onew hesitated to hug him back. Well, maybe it was. “You’re a good friend Jinki,” he added, voice a tad lower and rumbling through Onew’s body, going straight to the important parts: his memory, his heart, and his…

He cleared his throat as he wrapped one arm around Jonghyun’s waist tightly and the other around his upper back. He patted Jonghyun’s back awkwardly, chuckling just as uneasily. Those tingles were coming in intervals now with the shorter boy’s bare body pressed into his.

“Thank you….” He tried to end the hug, but Jonghyun wouldn’t budge. Onew’s smile wavered. He decided that Jonghyun’s comfort was more important than his own conflicted feelings in that moment as he locked his arms back around Jonghyun. Who was he to deny Jonghyun comfort? He was all he had…at this time, he was all he had.

“I’m always here,” he mumbled in Jonghyun’s ear, smile gone. He inhaled the fresh, lavender scent of Jonghyun’s hair, relished the feel of Jonghyun’s hips against his, enjoyed the way Jonghyun’s heart beat sped up, matching his, thudding and transmitting through his own chest.

This is what friends were for. Being there.

Onew let one tear fall, the warm drop trickling down Jonghyun’s back. He held the other tighter, ignoring inner screams that reminded him that Jonghyun wasn’t his, and probably wasn’t ever going to be.

He was just a friend of his.