I sit down on the stone wall, looking up at the night, winter sky. The tree behind me bare with lights on the branches. I let out a breath, almost a sigh, a puff appearing at my lips then disappearing. The large Christmas tree all lit up and looking pretty in the New York square. The giant TV showing whatever it wants to show. And couples around me smiling at each other and happily spending the night before Christmas together, just wandering around and being together.

            It's as if fate were laughing at me. If it were the mean, popular girl in school I'm the nerdy, dorky girl she always picks on and gets away with it. Because no one is going to stand up to her and stop it. If I could, I would change my fate. I would make it work out in my favor instead of everyone elses, like it always seems to.

            Two hours ago I had a wonderful, perfect boyfriend whom I was hoping I could spend Christmas with this year. But he brought me to a restaurant, for what I thought would be a romantic dinner, and my best friend was there. She was mainly silent while he spoke to me, telling me that they had been 'sort of' cheating on me behind my back. Saying they never kissed, and they never had , but they did go on dates, and held each others hand. I watched and listened as they said they felt a pull towards each other that they could not ignore, as much as they wanted to.

            I just smiled at them, told them I understood and that I was feeling like I was drifting from Noel, my now ex-boyfriend, anyway. I was thinking about breaking up with him anyway. I stood up and told them that they have my blessing and I'll let them have a romantic Christmas Eve dinner. They didn't even try to stop me as I left. I couldn't tell if they knew that I was lying or not, but I know I was. I love Noel.

            A tear slips down my cheek and I close my hazel eyes. I take a shuddering breath while I wrap my arms around myself, my head bowing and my body curling into itself with the pain of the heart break. I let out a soft sob and try to keep myself from crying in public like this. If there is one thing I am regretting in my life, it's my choice of friends and boyfriends.

            I am not even close to exaggerating when I say that every boyfriend I have had in my life time has gone to be with my then best friend. Richard was my first, in middle school, and he left me for my then best friend Rose three weeks after we started dating. I'm still friends with her. And she and Richard are now married, and I really, really hope they'll stay that way.

           My second boyfriend, Carl, also in middle school, left me for the girl who took the best friend spot, Crystal. He wasted no time telling me he fell in love with her. It was four days after we were official and he met her the day before. They are also happily married as of two years ago, three children already, she was pregnant on the wedding day already. I always figured she was a loose cannon.

            Third boyfriend, Trey, left me for my best guy friend, I didn't say the best friend was gender specific. They are working on getting gay rights with all the others. It's a shame too, Trey was the hottest guy in the school. Ever. It's always the hot ones. Fred, my best guy friend, told me he had nothing to do with the converting of Trey from straight to gay. And I believe him. They are engaged, but they want the state to allow gay marriage so they don't have to get out of the state just to marry. I support them completely.

            Fourth boyfriend, moving onto High school, Sophomore year, I just swore of guys for a year, I couldn't take much more, Darren. He was a year older and that much hotter. And since he wasn't in my year I figured he had to be so much better than all the other guys I've dated. Although he had to work for it, and he did, I was in love with him within a few days. I made him wait two weeks, and he never gave up. His willingness to pursue me for that long really made me fall harder for him.

            We were together for five months before he confessed a crime he committed the day before. He took a deep breath and told me he cheated on me, completely, with my best friend Beth. He apologized, and told me it had been going on for a while at that point, a few weeks he thought. He told me not to treat her differently, or betray her. He told me it was all his doing and he's sorry for the pain he's causing. He apologized many times then he broke up with me and left. Last I heard they were 'eloping' in Morocco or some where exotic like that.

            Fifth came two months after that whole ordeal. Mike. He transferred in from some small town in Oklahoma and we hit if off. At first friends and then it just grew into more. He knew about all my girl friends and guy friends and didn't seem to have any special feelings towards them. By now you'd think I would realize there is something wrong with my love life and I should just shoot it and kill it and leave it alone. Nope. Had to keep trying.

            We were together for almost an entire year. Almost meaning he told me he found the feeling of love while he was at Bridgette's, my best friend, summer house a few months ago, families and all that, and he couldn't stand cheating on me and leaving me in the dark. This was three days before our one year anniversary. I was planning a surprise visit to Paris with him for that weekend, summer job and I kept it during the school year, and all my planning went right down the drain.

            I smiled, claimed to have fallen for a co-worker anyway, and we left off as friends. As of right now they are in Paris, with five kids, one on the way, making it six I suppose, and enjoying life in the City of Love. I gave my tickets to my parents, told them that I was just doing it to thank them for all they have done for me, and that weekend I don't recall doing anything else but crying my eyes out. Almost. So close. Not quite.

            During the last two weeks of my junior year I found boyfriend number six. Ethan was smart, bright, had these nerdy glasses that just looked hot on him, and didn't mind going slow. Which turned out to be rather fast considering. We only lasted those two weeks. Granted he was a senior and was leaving for college anyway, he managed to go into the wrong locker room, saw my best friend Lizzy in the , and they have had puppy dog eyes for each other ever since.

            That was the last day of Junior year. So I had aaaaalll summer to mourn my losses. I believe the two of them are engaged and will be married in a few months... I think. Anyway. I started making lists. I didn't know what else to do. I made lists of everything. And when it came down to it, I made a list of things about myself I like and I dislike. At the same time I made a list of things about myself I like and dislike. They sound exactly the same, right? Wrong. The first list is of me, my personality, how I look, things I wish to change. The second list is of THINGS, physical, not me things that I like and dislike. Example of the second list: How guys always choose my friends over me. Example of the first list: I love the way my eyes are colored and shaped like a cats. Almost anyway.

            Summer love, how I hate it. Bringing in boyfriend number seven. I think that was the worst one. He was a hottie, a God honestly. I went to Hawaii with my best friend Serena, she had to beg me but she had a point when she said it would get me away from every day things. And I was too white to be a human. She was always right.

            Now, Warren was buff, not in the gross overly muscled way, but in the hot, y, NEED YOU NOW sort of way. He was a full on Hawaiian and surfed like no other. Not that I would have known the difference or anything. He had this awesome tattoo on his shoulder, white, of a phoenix. We hit it off instantly. I managed to get tan too.

            We did EVERYTHING two lovers would do. Which I suppose is what we were since we never made it official or anything. But still, I called him my boyfriend on occasion and he never made any comment about it being wrong. Anyway I found out our last day there that Serena had been doing the same exact thing as me the whole time. Even though I spoke about Warren to her all the time, telling her everything we did. I was rather horrified when I found out. I found out by returning to the hotel room a bit too early apparently and found them in bed together. The BEST way to find these things out.

            She apologized, he just sort of sat there. I looked between the two of them and did what I always did when it came to my boyfriend-lover guys picking someone else. I smiled, nodded, 'understood', and let it all just go. “A fleeting summer romance, nothing more.” I told them, direct quote too. Warren finally apologized and then pulled out this small box and proposed right then and there to Serena. She was shocked. She had no idea this was going to happen. That made two of us.

            Those two are married and in Hawaii right now generating their eighth child. They are rabbits. Or something worse than rabbits. Their off-spring are going to rule the world because they will be the only ones around. Serena still loves talking to me, when she isn't busy keeping track of where her children are. Surprisingly Warren is a well known CEO of some company, so they got a mansion. I think at some point they'll get a castle, they'll need all the room they can get.

            Oh God... We are at eight. Senior year. Meet Garret. Tall, dark, handsome, and was a complete nerd last year, pasty skin and all. Apparently he had, had some sort of crush on me for years. He got all tan, buff, and handsome just so I would notice him. But then so did all of the female population in that high school. He didn't let all the attention go to his head though, I'm still proud of him for that.

            Of course I told him I would have dated him even if he was nerdy like he was last year, but he didn't believe me. I didn't believe me. But we spent a happy three and three-fourth months together. Best friend comes into play. She was just trying something different with her appearance, as in new blonde hair, ear piercings, a belly button piercing, and smaller clothes. Her tee showed off the belly piercing nicely, as it showed off her mid-drift anyway. And her jeans were low riding. Really. Really. Really low. And apparently she had taken to wearing thongs. Never thought she would have.

            Garret took to Delilah instantly, apologized like a man and made it clear what he was going to do. Within days they were officially dating and completely in love. Everyone could see it, even the teachers. They couldn't even take pity on me being broken up with, AGAIN, because it was so blatantly obvious that it's true love between the two of them.

            If there's one thing I always say, it's there's always a bright side. The silver-lining. There's always something good about something bad happening. And so far, it's that I've helped my friends find their true love. Even if I had to be broken up with for it to happen, it's still true. They are all, almost all anyway considering Amanda's new Noel, happily STILL together with the men that have broken my heart.

            Nine comes in the form of a teacher. Yes, I had a student-teacher-forbidden relationship, and I am beyond happy to have had that. It made it so much more exciting to do anything. But God was it awkward when Mr. Frederikson broke up with me for my best friend, same age, same class even, and we weren't done with the school year yet. It took a lot to get changed to a different classroom after that.

            Towards the end of the relationship my parents caught on. And they actually talked to us before they gave their approval. No, you didn't read that wrong. They gave their APPROVAL. I led them to believe I had broken up with him, so they wouldn't be angry at him or anything, because I felt he was just too old for me. And that it was nice while it lasted but it just felt 'weird'. They sighed a bit and still went to the conferences, nothing seeming wrong with them at all. Emily and Mr. Frederikson are getting married next week, I'll be there as the maid of honor, as I was at all the weddings so far. Damn awkward but could be worse.

            During my college years I didn't even bother with a relationship. Guys hit on me, and made it seem like we were dating on occasion, but they always left for some other girl. Didn't matter, I wasn't interested. I was too busy trying to keep my grades up and not dying in a car crash or anything. I fail horribly at driving cars. Funny thing about that, I can drive a motorcycle perfectly and just fine, nothing scary about it. But put me in a car and I practically start hyperventilating. Needless to say, I only own a motorcycle now. I am so not gonna be a 'soccer mom'.

            Ah, working as an adult with a college degree and all that for the first time. Here's where number ten comes in, Elijah. God was he down right perfect. He even had a British accent that just made me melt every time I heard him. I made a new best friend there at the work place, where Elijah also works, Franny. She was so FUNNY. All she did was make me laugh whenever we saw each other. She didn't even have to touch me or SAY anything. I would laugh just from her presence.

            And I would talk to them, at the same time, so often that the signs should have been obvious. Even though Elijah claimed to be my boyfriend a few times by then, and I just went with it, claiming to be his girlfriend, he was a bit hesitant about telling me about his feelings towards Franny. But he told me. And it was an awkward moment of silence before I just smiled, said 'okay', and let him be with her. No point fighting it if he likes her. A few days later she tells me about her feelings towards him, and I had already told her of the break-up, not the reason, and she goes for it. Next thing anyone knows she's pregnant and they HAVE to get married.

            And that actually brings us up date. Because after that it's Noel, for a long time, three years. And we had never spent Christmas together because neither of us were available to be around then. Usually work, but it was family last year that kept us apart. And then this year it's because we are broken up and he is now getting together with Amanda.

            My life has been one loveless man after another. I have often considered 'what if I became a lesbian instead?', as if it would be different. But then they would go for my best friend, guy or girl, and it would just be the same.

            Maybe I'm some sort of Cupid. A stupid version of one. I date someone and that means my best friend gets that person. Eleven men, ten went to girls and one went to a guy. All best friends of mine. At least half married by now, and at least three with children.

            I stand up from my place and I pull out a tissue and wipe my many tears away and blow into it. I stuff it in then I look up at the sky again, clouded by the light life down here on Earth, stars very nearly impossible to see. I miss seeing them at night. I step away from the stone wall and I head back to my apartment.

            I'm thinking about packing up and going home. Back to my home town and staying there. Granted so many bad things happened there, at least it feels like home. It's been four years and New York still feels like a foreign country. I suppose it is the melting pot of America but still.

            Life is complicated. And you have to keep moving through it. The good and the bad will always interchange and it won't be all good. But it won't be all bad either. Even if bad things happen, you still have the memories and the feelings you had before then.

            I'll keep pushing on in this life. But I won't stay here in New York, I don't think. I think I will move back. Back to where I know I belong and where I know I'm welcome. Besides, I doubt my grandmother would mind arranging a marriage or something for me. I'm going to keep pushing, but I don't want to do it on my own anymore.

            I walk through the dark streets, though bright because of the lights, few people walking around, more cars than anything. A light snow starts falling and some how I feel different from my usual post-break-up mode. Maybe I don't love Noel. I mean, look at how easily I just gave in to everything. I think, when I finally find the man I love, I will fight for him. No matter what it takes. Even if he doesn't love me back.

            I smile a bit and look back up at the sky, more stars showing now. Yeah. When I finally find him, I will fight for him. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leave a comment and let me know what you guys think! : ]