It was Sunday - and I really hated Sundays. 
Every Sunday I was either too busy to organize my work for university or bored to death. 
It was always the same – and then, the next week, it started all over again and the problems returned.  Today, my boredom just reached its and I didn’t know what to do. 
I took a quick glance at the small, modern clock hanging on the northern side of my patheticly little living room where I would always find some distraction at times like these. 

Inkigayo just ended thirty minutes ago and it felt like the TV was amused not to show me some proper program afterwards. 
Yes, It almost seemed like someone could foresee my upcoming boredom and had fun watching me suffering and being annoyed.
Was it really possible for someone to abduct every single enjoyable show?
Nevertheless I switched through the channels without finding anything good at all. 
I sighed and threw a deadly glare towards the TV even though I knew it was useless.

The truth was I just didn’t know what to do – not because there wouldn’t be stuff to take care of. 
I just couldn‘t force myself to do something productive while being worried. 
I bit my lip while I tilted my head over to my cell phone which lay on my pillow nearby. 
There was no new message.
A deep sigh made its way out of my mouth.
 A quick glance at my mailbox told me that the last message I recieved was sent yesterday.
 I was mad at myself for being that affectionate but it couldn’t be helped.
Sometimes I just couldn’t find any distraction – that’s why I ended up hating Sundays. 

I just played with the thought to gaze through the ridiculous amount of books in my shelf when suddenly my cell phone rang.
It didn’t take more than a second to reach it – and that surprised me.
I wasn’t aware of it how fast my hands could be. 
A new message appeared.
It was from my boyfriend - Byunghee.

We were together for only 4 months now, but it felt like our relationship lasted several years. 
We trusted each other but I knew that this bond was easy to break – and it felt like it could happen any time.
We never spoke about it but I knew it – I knew it since the very beginning. 
All the waiting, all the worries and hopes – but in the end I was never sure if our relationship was actually real.  Sometimes it just didn’t feel like that. 
Even though I always wanted to punch myself for these kinds of feelings I never got rid of them. 
I could smile as much as I wanted but in the end, all that was left was loneliness.
After some weeks past  it started to hurt even more.  
I was sure he didn’t know and I actually didn’t dare to tell him. 
He was already worried enough.  

I opened his message and read it carefully. 
“I’m sorry I didn’t have the chance to write you earlier. We just finished our work for today. Do you have any plans for the rest of the day? If not I‘d like to accompany you. I love you.”
It was a common message but it makes my heart flutter.
 I waited so long to see a message of him.
He always kept on apologizing even though he did nothing wrong. 
I wanted to tell him that it‘d be okay but I just couldn’t. 
If I got too emotional he would end up feeling even uneasier.  
“I’m free this evening. I just thought about letting some things explode in my kitchen for some entertainment. Love you too.”

 „I better send it before I think of writing something more stupid“, I thought and hit the send button.
I took a deep sigh and tried to ignore my confusion inside.  
It didn’t take long for him to appear in front of my door. 
As I heard him ringing the bell I tried to manifest my sanity before opening the door. 

I almost couldn’t believe that he was standing in front of me – after all these weeks. 
He smiled as he saw me and I knew he was thinking the exact same thing as me.
Feeling the same thing as me would mean he‘d be as hurt as me and I didn‘t want that.
“Sangmi, I missed you.”
Byunghee spoke with his common soft voice while he grabbed me for a hug. 
He was strong but he always did it really gently even though his strong arms wrapped me tightly. 
It was like we haven’t lived in a distance for weeks now.
I returned his hug while inhaling his sweet scent.
“I missed you too. A lot.” 
He chuckled – I could hear it at my right ear and it was a pleasure listening to it. 
“Did anything explode in your kitchen yet?”, he asked with a slight bit of curiosity in his voice. 
“Not yet. But I‘m planning to. Want to watch?”
“Of course.” 
I heard the smile in his words but I knew he was tired. 
And he was acting strange. 

I closed the door behind him and led him to the living room first so that he could take a seat. 
“Are you sure we should risk to set the house on fire?”, I asked him jokingly and he just put on a smirk. 
“Alright I got it. But first let me get you something to drink. You sure must be thirsty!”
I turned my back and walked to my kitchen while he sat down on the couch.

 Something was off.
His embrace was warm as always but he wasn‘t as talkative as usual. 
We didn‘t see each other very often but when we did, he never missed the chance to talk to me. 
He rushed through the topics as if he had the feeling to be careful not to forget anything.
I knew because I did the same thing too – and it made me scared. 
I filled a glass with Coke and brought it over to him. 
Byunghee was silent and looked up when I gave him the glass.
“Thanks”, he mumbled and looked at me while I was sitting next to him. 
Both of us remained silent.
We were just looking at each other.

 “You are weird today.” 
I tried to sound like I was only joking around – but I was one nightmare of an actress.
“Aren‘t I always weird?” 
He smiled again but it looked weak.  
It almost broke my heart – seeing him like this. 
I felt helpless and I didn’t know what to do anymore. 
Did he really feel the same way like me?  Was our relationship really walking on such thin ice?  
He looked at me with his bright eyes – at this time I understood that he knew what I was thinking. 
Did he act like that because I was the one who was acting weird? 
“How was your day?”,  he suddenly asked out of the blue. 
It was a random question. 
And he probably only wanted to change the topic.
 “It was fine”, I answered with a small voice, still looking at him. 
He didn’t say anything.
My hands reached his shoulders on their own – I couldn’t control myself. 
“Are you okay? Are you tired? If you want to rest we can set the house on fire the next time.” 
He sighed and I knew that he was up to saying something – but he obviously held back. 
It made me worried.

Yes, I was stupid enough to believe that he could end our relationship at any second. 
I was sure he felt the same loneliness as me – maybe it was even much worse than for me. 
Maybe it already hurt him that much that he want to erase everything.  
I could barely breathe and it was like his stare captured my soul.  
“Sangmi, I’m sorry.” 
He spoke clearly while he didn’t let my eyes escape. 
I already knew that he was sorry – and I didn’t want to hear more apologies from him.
“I understand that you are sorry. I’m sorry for not being here for you. Everything is alright”, I tried to convince him. 
“Nothing is fine – you don’t understand anything.” 
He bit his lip while he reached out for my wrist and pulled me a bit closer to him. 

Byunghee was still gentle but he was serious at the same time. 
I felt that my heart was heavier than before. 
I really wanted to say something but then he wrapped his arms around me once again.  
“I know you started to hate Sundays because I was never around. You always had to spend your day alone and accept that just another week passed without seeing me. That‘s not how it should be - I’m so sorry.”
I didn’t realized what he was trying to say at first.
 “I know you think that it would be fine if you don’t tell me how you feel – but I knew since the very beginning. I left you all alone. You were always there when I needed you but I was never there when you needed me. I’m sorry.” 

I wanted to stop him.
I wanted to tell him to stop apologizing, even though he completely understood my feelings.
But I just couldn’t. 
I felt his strong body around me and listened to his words while my heart was fluttering.  
“You don’t want me to be worried. But I’m always worried and I will be worried about you forever. You understand what I’m saying?” 
I understood – but at the same time I couldn’t.
I always wanted to protect him from everything but I ended up needing him more than he needed me. 
Always waiting for his calls, always longing for him to return to me – it was my daily life for four months now.  I tried to be strong but I wasn’t.  

Byunghee sighed and pulled me even tighter to him. 
“Stupid you. I’m worried about you”, he whispered. “Of course I’m acting weird. I want to protect you. Every time I see you I try to show you how much you mean to me.” 
“I’m sorry”, I whispered weakly, trying to prevent myself from crying. 
I didn’t want to show him my fragile side. 
“It’s okay to cry”, he whispered softly in my ear again, still holding me in his strong arms.  
And finally I couldn‘t hold back my tears anymore.

It was just too much. 
I don’t know how long I was crying.
I really wished I wouldn’t – I didn’t want to be a crybaby. 
My eyes were probably swollen and I didn’t want him to see me like that. 
But Byunghee still held me, patting my head, kissing my forehead. 
“Are you feeling better?” he whispered when I stopped sobbing. 
I nodded.  
As I felt less embarrassed I raised my head only to look into his caring eyes once again. 
He was  still worried; I could see it in his face.
I wanted to tell him that I was sorry – apologizing over and over again for making him worry but I didn’t have the chance to.
I suddenly felt his soft lips on my own, filling them with a warm, heating feeling. 
We kissed before – but it never felt that intense. 
He moved his lips gently, pressing his lips against mine.
I felt like I was starting to cry once again, but then he pulled me even more closer to him. 
He wrapped my lips completely with his, softly running over them with his warm tongue.  
Byunghee continued kissing me with gentle passion, holding me tightly in his arms. 
It gave me the feeling of protection. 

As he released my lips and his eyes focused on my face I couldn’t cry anymore. 
I understood his feelings completely and I felt like the biggest fool on earth. 
“Don’t be worried anymore. I will protect you, my love”, he whispered softly once again. 
He even chuckled a bit - What a relief. 
Now I knew that our bond couldn’t be broken so easily.
I was still ashamed that I thought it would be that fragile – it never was.  

“Do you still want to ruin your kitchen?”, he suddenly asked with a smirk. 
I was a bit confused about the change of the topic – but I appreciated it. 
“You know I like to strange things”, I answered him with a light smile. “Why?”
“I was just thinking we could do something better in order to make this Sunday more memorable for you”, he said it with a bright smile.