“Why can’t you leave her? Why can’t you just be a man and stand up for yourself?”

            “Because I love her.”

.: | :.

            Three years. That argument happened three years ago--back when we didn’t know any better. I didn’t know any better. It’s the sad reality of life. Regrets come along after,but before you could even apologize everything is too late. You can never take back what you said. It will forever be embedded in the heart of that person.

            I used to love a man. It , I know. In this society where a homoual relationship is not accepted, it’s hard to deal with your uality. I kept asking myself if I wasn’t normal or if something’s wrong with me. I even tried going to a shrink once. I’m happy I did though because she gave me insight and respected my ual preference.
 

           Three years. I’ve been mourning over that man since I lost him three years ago. It’s hard for me to move on and let him go and I don’t intend to. I don’t want to. I want to always love him. I don’t want to let him go in my heart.

.: | :.

            “Hyung! What took you so long? Where have you been? You know I hate waiting!”

            “I know, I know. Sorry baby Kyu. I ran some errands for my mom and well… it’s traffic. But I’m here now, right? Now stop pouting. You don’t look cute.” I ruffled his hair as I took a seat beside him.
            This guy is my best friend, Cho Kyuhyun. This is also the person I loved. Sadly, he didn’t know that. He didn’t know that I had accepted the fact that I loved him when I saw him under the rain that fateful morning.

            “Hyung…” he whined. Why was this guy so cute? It made me want to pinch his cheeks. Oops, I already did. “…why aren’t you listening to me? What are you thinking about?”

            “I was thinking about how someone as mature as you could act so cute like that.” He pouted which made me laugh at him more. “Anyways, what were you saying?”

            He blushed and looked down. “I think I’m in love hyung.”

            My eyes almost bugged out. I must’ve heard it wrong. The noise in the café must’ve been buzzing when in reality there were only three customers including us.

            “What did you say Kyu?”

            He looked up at me and I saw his face was red and he was smiling like an idiot. “I’m in love, hyung. And I think she’s the one.” Oh dear. I could feel my chest constricting and it became painful—too painful to bear--but I had to restrain myself so I smiled.

            “Congratulations baby Kyu,” I said as I ruffled his hair again. He smiled at me again making my heart ache even more. “I’m really happy for you. You have to introduce her to me, alright?”

            “Of course, hyung! You know, when she accepted my confession the first person I wanted to tell was you,” he happily announced. I kept smiling bitterly, but I didn’t think he’d notice. He never noticed anything about me but I’m aware of everything he does . I knew that he’d eventually fall in love but I never knew it’d be this soon.

            He kept talking about her but my hearing was blocked by some unknown entity. Whatever it was that’s blocking my ears, I’m very thankful. Since I couldn’t hear anything I decided to just watch him as he talked animatedly. This was another sad reality of life.

.: | :.

            I went back to the psychologist after all these years. I wonder how much she’s changed—if she’s changed at all. I park my car and head towards her clinic. It’s a small building and can be easily spotted. The whole thing is white and decorated with flowers blooming beautifully. In one corner, there’s a row of sunflowers. I smile. Her love for sunflowers was never subtle.

            “Good morning, sir. Do you have an appointment?” the woman from the front desk asks. She’s new since the last person who manned the front desk was Kim Heechul, her husband.

            “I’m looking for Dr. Kim. I used to be her patient,” I tell the lady. She scoffs then rolls her eyes. What’s with this woman? Is she having her monthly period? Is she PMS-ing? Plausible. “I can come back if she’s busy.” Or if you do something about your attitude. I hear her scoff again and feel her glaring at me.

            “Krystal, please stop scaring the patients. I know you loathe it here but—Is that you Jongwoon?” Dr. Kwon’s sister, Yuri, cups my face with her hands and stares at me with worry etched on her beautiful face.

            “Yes, it’s me Yuri. And it’s Yesung now, not Jongwoon.” I sigh as I pull her into a hug. I missed her. I missed her so much. I can’t believe I didn’t get the chance to visit her again after her sister introduced us. She pulls away and hits my chest which makes me wince.

            “God, Yesung. Don’t you know how much I missed you? What happened to you? Can’t you at least give me one phone call to tell me that you’re still alive? I was so worried about you!” She shouts as tears escape her eyes. I wipe it for her and smile.

            “I’m so sorry Yuri. I was just busy. After the incident, I was needed in a lot of places and you know that. I was practically everywhere. My parents and his parents are all worried about me because I took over the responsibility.”

            “I know about that Yesung. I know. Now, let’s go and talk this over a cup of tea. You have a lot of things to tell me,” Yuri said as she pulls me out of her clinic.

            “Hey! What about the clinic?” I can hear Krystal yelling at us.

            “Call Jessica and tell her she’s needed here. I need to catch up with this hot guy over here,” she says sultrily while her hand slides down my chest. Her actions never fail to make me laugh. She sends Krystal a flying kiss and continues to pull me towards the parking lot.

            “Be a gentleman and lead the way, sir,” she playfully says which makes me chuckle.

            “This way, ma’am.” I take her hand and lead the way towards my car. I take her to the only red car in the area.

            “This… this is your car? Are you serious?!” She exclaims while flailing her arms inelegantly—so unlike her. I smile and open the passenger door for her. “I can’t believe you! What is your job to have such a luxurious car like this? I’m so jealous! Can you be my sugar daddy please?”

            I roll my eyes at her suggestion. She hasn’t changed at all. She’s still as playful as she was back then. “Get in Yuri before I change my mind.”

.: | :.

            I always woke up early for my morning run. This helped me have a clear head throughout the day. I didn’t want to admit—I would hate to admit—that I, a straight 17 year-old man, liked a guy. Not just any guy. It’s my best friend, Cho Kyuhyun. It right? I even went to a shrink just so I could justify myself, and hoped for a cure.

            I wondered why I liked Kyuhyun. I wondered why I was even attracted to him when I was also attracted to Dr. Kwon. This made me even more confused than I was before I asked for her help. I told her everything. I told her about my attraction to a guy and asked for advice or medicine to cure this sinful thought.

            She just smiled at me. She told me that I’m not gay, that instead I was bi curious. I had no idea what that was. She explained to me that the only way for me to get over this feeling was to accept the fact that I liked a guy. I think that’s bull!

            As I was running, drizzles of water came pouring down from the sky. I looked up and smiled. I always loved the rain. I loved the sound it produced when it hits the ground and I loved the fact that it could help mask the tears in a person’s eyes.

            I continued running but slowed down into a stop when I saw a person standing on the road; a familiar posture which I could recognize anywhere. It’s him. It’s my best friend, Cho Kyuhyun.

            He was just… standing there. His eyes were closed and his clothes were soaked. There was fog surrounding him and I thought he looked so angelic. How could a 15 year-old manage to affect me like this? I halted but I kept my gaze on his face. He’s so handsome. How could I be acting like this? How could I possibly be in love with him? What’s wrong with me?

            He turned his head on my direction and opened his eyes. My heart beat a little faster. I wondered if he could hear it. If he could, what would he do? I saw him smile and now that I’ve accepted my feelings for him I thought I could hear angels singing.

            “Hey hyung! I knew you’d be passing by this area,” Kyuhyun said as he approached me. Okay heart, I think you’re exaggerating yourself now. Stop beating so loud! “Hyung, are you alright? You look flushed.”

            “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m good. Why are you here by the way?”

            “Waiting for you of course.” Me? Waiting for me? My heart needed to stop beating so fast because I could hyperventilate soon. Or maybe not. I wasn’t a doctor for Christ’s sake! “I want to ask something about my History project. You promised you’d help me.”

            History project? Oh, the one that talked about the colonial era. I didn’t know why we even bothered learning about the colonial era of the Philippines when we didn’t even live there. I sighed. Teachers were getting weirder and weirder.

            “Yes, I did promise you. But you told me this project is due next week.” I saw him blush and fidget a bit. “Let’s go to my apartment first and have some hot chocolate before this drizzle becomes rain.”

.: | :.

            “Where did you get this car? What model is this by the way? It looks so slick!” Yuri keeps checking everything that’s in the glove compartment like a little kid excited about a new toy.

            “It’s an Audi RS5. I bought it after I signed a contract with SM Entertainment as their composer and music producer.” I keep glancing at her, but I want us to be safe too so I focus on driving instead. She looks more beautiful than the last time I saw her. She’s grown up and it’s hard not to notice that. She’s still a bit childish at times but she’s got the air of an elegant young lady now.

            “Hey, Yesung.”

            “Hmm?”

            “How are you holding up?” She asks out of nowhere. It makes me tighten my hold on the steering wheel and clench my jaw. Memories flash through my mind again—his face, his voice, his laughter. Everything about him flashes in my mind again. Suddenly, I feel hot tears on my cheeks. My vision starts to blur and I have to move the car to the side of the road and stop.

            “I shouldn’t have asked that question while you’re driving. I’m sorry.” Yuri envelopes me in her arms and pats my back while I cry like a baby in her arms. It’s too much for me to handle. Everything’s too fast. One minute he’s there and the next he wasn’t. I keep crying and crying. I thought I had no more tears to cry but I guess I was wrong. I’m always wrong anyways.

            “You can’t drive in your state. How about I drive the both of us to my place and we’ll talk there, hmm?” I don’t answer verbally but my slight nod is enough for her to understand what I want. She pulls away from me, hops out of my car and asks me to scoot over so she can drive. She starts the engine once again—I don’t remember turning it off though—and drives away. She doesn’t say anything—thank heavens for that—on our way so I use this opportunity to close my eyes and sleep a little.

.: | :.

            I lived alone since my parents stayed in the province. I asked them to stay there because I wanted to have somewhere to go home to if I ever felt stressed. My room was small enough for me to live in. Upon entering, there’s the living room. There wasn’t much except for the couch, the television and a small shelf. In the corner, there was a small kitchen. In front of it was the bathroom. I have no idea why they designed it like that. Across the room was my bedroom which consisted of a bed, a cabinet and a working table. My guitar and keyboard were also there, as well as various sheets of music.

            I loved music. Music was my passion. I also loved composing music and singing the songs I wrote. It gave me a sense of fulfillment. Back then, I even asked Kyuhyun to come over and sing the songs I wrote. But then he became so busy with his girlfriend that I barely ever saw him.

            Yes, he’d finally gotten a girlfriend. Her name was Minzy. She was beautiful, I admit. Short hair, skinny, perfect skin. Her personality stunk though. I’ve heard a lot of rumors about her and I didn’t liked most of them.

            She was known to be a player—a user. She was also known to have multiple boyfriends all at the same time. I had told this to Kyuhyun but he just got angry and yelled at me. I remember it clearly—everything he said.

            “Kyuhyun-ah, Minzy … I don’t think she’s the right girl for you,” I told him with precaution.

            I saw him flare up. I saw anger in his eyes and he… he was scary. He slammed his hands on the table and yelled, “WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?! I FINALLY FOUND HER and you …” he sniffed as tears rolled on his cheeks. “I expect you of all people to understand my choice hyung.”

            The surrounding became dead silent. I knew that everyone in the café had their heads turned in our direction. The eerie silence made me feel uncomfortable and I felt my palms sweating in fear. He has never shouted at me. Where has my sweet dongsaeng that I loved gone to?

            His eyes softened and his fists opened and closed. “Why can’t anyone just be happy for me?” he whispered. It was barely audible, but since the café was pin-drop silent I heard it perfectly. He stood up and quietly left.

            My chest tightened as I buried my head in my arms. Why Kyu? Why did you shout at me? What happened to you? Why can’t you just love me instead of her?

            I sighed as I flopped down face first on my couch. It had been three days since I last talked to him—three days since he had shouted at me. When I saw him in the convenience store the other day, he didn’t even greet me. I knew he saw me because our eyes met. When he looked away, it felt like I had been punched in the chest and I wanted to cry. He never ignored me before.

            Yesterday I saw him and Minzy walking inside the mall with their hands entwined. The moment I saw them—that very moment I saw him smiling at her—I ran back home. It was hard to deal with this one-sided love. He was happy, that I know. I wanted to be happy for him, like what he wanted me to but I… I just couldn’t.

            I cried myself to sleep every night after that incident in the café. When he first said that he finally had a girlfriend, I feigned happiness. When I heard Minzy’s name, I was snapped out of my musings. I sighed as I closed my eyes.

            It seemed as though the weather outside sympathized with me. I looked out the window and saw the water hitting the window. I felt like hitting myself right then for being so dumb—for being so stupid. I didn’t want to think anymore. So I slept instead.

            A loud knocking on my door startled me. I looked at the clock and saw it was already half past ten at night. The rain hadn’t subsided yet and it seemed like it had actually gotten stronger. The knocking continued, making me groan in annoyance. Whoever was disturbing me was going to take a piece of my anger, and I would make sure that he rots in hell. I took heavy strides while muttering curses. Angrily, I grabbed the door knob and yanked the door open.

            “YAH! DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS AL- Kyuhyun?”

            My plan of barraging the person with curses and yelling at him like there was no tomorrow disappeared—even my anger dissipated into thin air when I saw his state. He was completely drenched and his face was so red. His eyes were puffy as if he had been crying earlier, and from here I could smell alcohol. Had he been drinking? When did he learned how to drink?

            “H-hyung,” he hiccupped before stumbling forward. Thankfully, I caught him before his head hit the door frame. He was so heavy, but I pulled him inside and closed the door.

            “Hyung …”

            I never heard what he wanted to say that night because he fell asleep in my arms. That night was the first night he came to me crying. I never knew back then that it would happen on a regular basis.

.: | :.

            “Yesung… Yesung we’re here. Come on big guy. Let’s get that of yours out of this amazing car. Come on.” I wake up to see that we’re in front of Yuri’s err… mansion? I think this is a castle. I look around and what I see amazes me. The whole place is a picturesque garden that looks like it could have come out of a Chinese book. Or maybe it was a Japanese book/painting? What’s the difference anyways? I‘m Korean so why am I comparing those two countries?

            I step out of my car and feel a cool breeze on my face. I guess that’s how this place greets its visitors. I let my eyes wander again. This place feels so surreal. It’s so peaceful and tranquil which makes me feel like I’m in some sanctuary. It gives that vibe—like it’s whispering for me to come closer, to stay. I can’t really explain but I suddenly feel like I should be trapping myself somewhere in the trees.

            “Yesung?” I turn around and see Yuri with a hand on her hip and a frown on her face. I completely forgot about her. When she sees my expression however, her face softens into a smile. She walks towards me and holds my arm. “It’s peaceful here, isn’t it?”

            Her eyes are unfocused—staring blankly at the picturesque scene in front of us. I avert my gaze from her face and turn to look at the breathtaking view as well.

            “Whenever I feel angry, sad, lonely, or even happy, I come here and just laze around. Mom always scolded me when I was younger because I was always here, but she gave up when she saw me preparing tea. It was self-taught, by the way. Want to go explore the area?”

            I shake my head. “Maybe next time. I want to go and drink something cold first,” I answer with a smile. This place, though tranquil, makes me miss him more. He would love it here. He’d even pull me without asking me if I want to go exploring. There goes my memory again.

.: | :.

            I looked around the playground, because Mommy brought me here again so she could talk with the other mommies. There were a lot of kids—some were older, some were younger. All of them were so noisy and playing happily and it kind of made me a little jealous because I was new around here and I hadn’t interacted with the other kids yet. I kept looking around till I saw a lone figure on the swing set with his head hung low. I tilted my head a little in confusion. Was he sad? Was he lonely? What could be his problem? Was he crying?

            I half-ran towards him and sat at the swing next to him. He didn’t react—not a jump, a flinch, nor did he even look up to see who I was. This kid was weird. Might as well introduce myself, right?

            “Hey!”

            Finally he looked up and looked me in the eye. His eyes were puffy and red and he looked so … scared? Looking at his face, he had a bruise on his cheek and a cut on his lip. Was this kid bullied? Was that why he was crying?

            “A-are y-you g-going t-to h-hurt m-me t-too?” he stammered and moved away with a horrified expression.

            I pursed my lips and moved the swing back and forth as I averted my gaze from him. “What makes you think that?”

            “E-eve-everyone’s b-been d-doing t-that,” he whispered.

            “Why do they do it?”

            “I …” He hung his head low again and sobbed quietly. I stopped rocking my seat and stood up. He flinched this time when I stood in front of him. His small body was trembling and his small hands clenched the ropes of the swing. I knelt down in front of him which made him stare at him.

            “My name’s Jongwoon. Kim Jongwoon. I’m seven years old. And you are?” I asked with a smile.

            “K-Kyuhyun. C-Cho K-Kyuhyun. I’m f-five.” He answered while wiping his tears.

            “Let’s be friends Kyuhyun!” I told him with a smile. I didn’t wait for his answer because I immediately took his hand and pulled him towards the sand box where we played till he laughed and smiled at me.

            He’s my first friend here in Cheonan and since then, we had been stuck like glue. Our parents didn’t mind though, especially his. They had said Kyuhyun become livelier because of me and that statement had made my ears flutter and my ego to rise.

            He and his family left Cheonan before I even entered high school. It was kind of depressing because it felt like I had lost my friend—my best friend. Surprisingly, a month before I entered high school, a letter was delivered to my house saying that I got a scholarship from a music school in Seoul. It was a special school for the musically inclined. I didn’t know any better then. I didn’t even want to leave Cheonan because I had no reason to. But then I did.

.: | :.

            It was my day off from the part-time job I worked at when Kyuhyun came to me crying again. Though it hurt me to know that he was crying again because of his girlfriend I still comforted him. What else was I supposed to do? What else was I supposed to say? I couldn’t just leave him alone when he desperately needed me.

            I loved him but he loved her. He loved her but she loved to break his heart. How did I know? Because I saw her. I saw her with another guy. No, they weren’t just ‘walking’ in the mall. They were holding hands and from time to time, they pecked each other’s lips. They even made out in public.

            I didn’t tell Kyuhyun about that. I wanted him to find out everything about her on his own. Everything she had done and every lie she had told him so far. Right then, all I could do was console him and be there for him. Right then, he was crying because Minzy left him alone at a restaurant because she spotted her friends, leaving him alone to eat. It was such a prestigious restaurant and the humiliation was too much for him to handle.

            I asked Kyuhyun to sleep here in my apartment. Since he was too tired anyways, he went to my room and slept. That’s how it always was. He came here when I needed him or when he needed me and when it got late, we’d end up snuggling on my bed. That’s alright with me—the snuggling. I never got what I wanted—kissing him, holding him, touching him and such. I couldn’t do those. No, because he’s not mine. He would never be mine. We live in a society of judgmental people and we can’t end up together. It’s a taboo. A taboo. society.

            I loved him. I loved him so much but I couldn’t do anything to help him from his misery. I couldn’t do anything to make him love me. I couldn’t do anything because I didn’t want him to suffer. I could take all the things people threw at me. But the real question here is, could he take it? Could he give up everything? Would he stay?

            All these feelings—everything that I felt then—was overwhelming. I could have made a song about it. It’s laughable. I was making a lot of songs then. Depressing ones at that. I should have gone somewhere happy and written a happy, nonsensical song. You know the song that doesn’t even make sense? Yeah, that kind of song. I stretched my stiff limbs as I headed towards my bedroom where all my equipment was. Kyuhyun wouldn’t mind. He was a deep sleeper anyways.

.: | :.

            “Oh Yesung! How are you buddy?” A tall effeminate looking man descends from the stairs. He hasn’t aged much—that I can tell. He’s still as beautiful as the last time I saw him. He approaches me and gives me a hug. I could’ve fallen for him if I wasn’t in love with Kyuhyun, or if I was gay. Sadly, the only man I love is Kyu and only Kyu.

            “Heechul-hyung. You haven’t aged at all,” I compliment which makes him laugh. It’s true though. He really hasn’t aged. Not one bit.

            “You mean I’m still beautiful? I’m more beautiful than my own wife right?” Ah, narcissist as usual. He pulls away with a big smile plastered on his face. Him and smiles don’t usually work together because… well, you’re talking about Kim Heechul here. And Kim Heechul, as mentioned by himself (back in the days when I was still seeing his wife), never smiles because he only smirks.

            “How’s Dr. Kim? I haven’t seen her yet since I came back,” I tell him. We walk towards their living room. Yuri left us awhile ago. She said something about getting something in her room or whatever.

            “Jess left awhile ago. She said something about Yuri leaving and a mysterious guy pulling her away or something. Turns out, it was you! She would be delighted to see you again.” We sit down on the couch as their maids give us orange juice.

            My eyes wander around. The living room is spacious. The ambiance is perfect and you can tell that this family is well off. Everything looks expensive—even Heechul hyung himself. I feel like a commoner lost in the realm of the rich. This leaves me wondering why Yuri was so surprised to see my car when she lives in such an expensive house. And to top it all off, she even asked me to be her sugar daddy! I didn’t take it seriously, but still.

            “You never change Yesung.”

            I hear Heechul hyung chuckle. What? I never change? What? I’m confused.

            “I was asking you a question yet your mind is drifting off to somewhere in space again.”

            Oh. Right. That’s my habit. “So what were you asking?”

            “I was asking how you are. I hear you’re a big shot now.”

            “Not really, hyung. They’ve only used a couple of songs for a ballad group they were planning to debut. If the fans love the songs, they said they’ll double my pay.”

            He hums in response and silence follows after. Silence. Silence that I hate so much because I can still hear it. That nasty sound that I hate. That sound that commenced after Kyuhyun left. Kyuhyun left me. He did. And that sound was my proof.

            I was battling with my own thoughts that I didn’t even hear someone coming till I feel a hand on my shoulder which makes me jump a bit. I turn around and see a teenager smiling widely at me. I can’t see his eyes though.

            “Yesung hyung! It really is you!” Hyung? Do I know this kid?

            “Who are you?” Heechul hyung guffaws which confuses me even more. Why is he laughing?

            “Hyung!” the teenager whined. “You can’t remember me? How could you?!” Heechul hyung is falling off the couch, still laughing while I’m still looking at this teenager and not really knowing who he is. I look at the laughing man and he’s pointing at us—especially at me. He’s trying to say something but his laughter makes the words incomprehensible.

            “What’s so funny?” Yuri emerges from the kitchen (how she ended up there, I have no idea). I shrug because I don’t know either. The kid is… fuming? He’s red and he’s looking at me like he wants to tackle me. While Heechul hyung… he’s now rolling on the floor, pounding his fists and still laughing.

            “Yesung… he… Youngwoon… they…” He tries to say something but his laughter is really distracting. He stops pounding on the floor and holds his stomach, still laughing. I can hear Yuri laughing too.

            “It’s not funny, Auntie! Dad, stop laughing! I’m telling mom about this!”

            Auntie? Dad? “Youngwoon?” I reach for his face and cup it. I inspect every inch of his face but find nothing that reminds me of that kid I met when I was still seeing his mother. Seeing his mother, as in, the psychologist I was talking about earlier. Geez people.

            “You don’t look like Youngwoon at all. Are you seriously Heechul hyung’s son?” The laughter becomes louder. I turn around and see Yuri curled up next to Heechul hyung. They’re both laughing at my… stupidity?

            “It’s me, hyung! You never changed. That’s what I love about you the most!” He hugs me which makes me chuckle a bit. “I missed you, hyung. You were gone for far too long.”

            The laughter dies down a bit, before I can answer Youngwoon’s question, Heechul hyung beats me to it. “Which aspect of him do you love Youngwoon? The stupid one?”

            “Hyung! I’m not stupid!” I defend but they only laugh at me, even Youngwoon.

            “I miss Yesung hyung altogether. Though he’s still stupid, I can say he changed. Of course not in the aspect of stupidity but you know what I mean.” These people really love to mock me.

            “Kangin, where’s Sulli? I thought she’s with you?” Yuri asks as she dusts off her pants and helps Heechul hyung up.

            “Kangin? Sulli?”

            “She’s upstairs. She’ll be down soon,” Youngwoon answers from behind me. His arms are wrapped around my torso and it’s kind of embarrassing. I suddenly remember Kyu and how much he loved hugging me from behind.

            “Oh good. Yesung ah, are you staying for dinner?” Heechul asks.

            “Yeah, but who the hell is Kangin and Sulli?”

            It felt as if time stood still. Just like that time. Yeah, that time. Everyone’s eyes are on me as if I said something alien. Just like that time. That time—the time I hate to remember.

            “Hyung, I’m Kangin. Didn’t you give that nickname to me?” Oh. I remember now. I’m so silly sometimes.

            “And I’m Sullli!” A little girl runs towards Heechul hyung with a smile as he lifts the little girl up.

            “Oh yes you are my dear princess. Are you hungry? Do you want daddy to cook you something?”

.: | :.

            After high school, I had decided to let go of my feelings for Kyuhyun. I decided to be selfish for once and do something for myself. I didn’t know that when I was performing for one of my school’s music festivals, a scout was there. After my performance, they talked to me and offered me a scholarship—full scholarship—to Julliard. The prestigious Julliard School. It was my dream. It had always been my dream to go there, to graduate from there.

            I told my parents about it and they were so proud of me. They were happy for me even. I asked them to come and help me pack but they knew that wasn’t my reason. I was going to miss them and they knew that.

            I didn’t tell Kyuhyun about my scholarship. He was far too happy about his life with Minzy. I guess their relationship had gotten better and better. I was happy—I tried to be—for them, for him. He didn’t notice my fake smiles because he was too happy. I only told him about my scholarship the day before my flight. Things didn’t go as I hoped they would.

            “WHAT?! SERIOUSLY?! Oh, I’m so happy for you hyung!” He hugged me but I didn’t hug him back. Maybe I should have because that might have been the last time he’d hug me. That might have been the last time he’d talk to me because the next words I said could shock him.

            “Kyuhyun, I…” He pulled away and started rummaging through my things.

            “When are you leaving hyung? Have you pack up yet? Did you bring enough clothes? Should I help you?”

            “Kyuhyun, I’m leaving… tomorrow.” The last word was whispered. It was whispered so softly that I didn’t think it’d reach Kyuhyun’s ears. But it did. He heard it. How did I know? He stopped whatever he was doing. He stopped and slowly, ever so slowly, turned to look at me. Funny how he didn’t notice that the room was almost empty—if not for the bed and some furniture.

            “You’re leaving? Tomorrow? Why so fast hyung? How come…” I looked away from him. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t, because I had hidden something from him—something important. “You… You received this scholarship awhile ago, right?”

            Yeah. I had received it three months ago. “Why? Why didn’t you tell me? Why hyung? Why?”

            “Because you’re selfish Kyu. You’re…” I heaved out a sigh and massaged the back of my neck slightly. “I don’t want to leave when I know that someone’s upset with me. Let’s not talk about this, please?”

            He didn’t answer. Silence enveloped the room—not the comfortable one. We stood in front of each other, looking everywhere but at each other. I didn’t want to look at him yet so I kept massaging my neck. I heard him move so I dropped my hand. Was he going to leave? Was he angry?Was he… Oh. He wasn’t angry.

            “You should sleep. We should sleep. What time is your flight tomorrow?” Kyuhyun asked. His arms were wrapped around my waist and his head was on my shoulder.

            “One o’clock in the afternoon.”

            “We have half of the day then. Let’s go sleep.”

            The next morning we spent in my bed. We talked about a lot of things. We talked about our lives, the used-to-be’,s and our dreams. We talked about a lot of things, but I never mentioned anything that I’d been hiding from him. I didn’t mention anything concerning my uality. Not yet. It wasn’t the right time. Not yet.

            We reached the airport after a few hours of talking. My parents weren’t there because I asked them not to come. If I saw them, I would have probably changed my mind. It was almost time for my plane to go but seeing that I wouldn’t be back for at least a couple of years, I decided to let everything out of the closet. I didn’t want to hide anymore.

            I turned around and saw him looking at me. “Hey, Kyu.” He tilted his head a bit and it made me chuckle. Walking closer to him, I heard my own heartbeat drumming inside my chest. That’s the only thing I heard then. It could’ve been romantic if there was legitimate background music right then.

            “What’s wrong hyung?” he asked when I stopped in front of him.

            “This may sound weird Kyuhyun…” I exhaled before taking a deep breath to gather my strength. That may have been the last time I’d be able to talk to him. I hugged him closely before whispering the three words I’d longed to tell him. The three words I’d longed to hear from him.

            “I love you, Kyuhyun.”

He wanted to answer back but I interrupted him. “I love you more than a friend, Kyu,” I whispered before I walked away towards the gate without looking back. I felt my eyes stinging and a moment later tears ran down my cheeks.

            Goodbye Kyuhyun.

.: | :.

            “Jongwoon?”

            I looked up and saw Dr. Kim standing in front of me. Where was I anyways? Dr. Kim took a seat beside me but her eyes never left the field. Oh. My had feet brought me to the sunflower field outside Seoul. I had ridden a bus, gotten off somewhere and had taken a seat without realizing where I was.

            The sky was blue and the clouds rolled in it. A cool breeze blew past my face as I tried imagining the images formed in the clouds. Butterflies and birds danced in the sky as sprinklers started giving water to the flowers. Leaves fell, flowers swayed as the birds continued their songs under the afternoon sky. A picturesque view—beautiful and enthralling.

            “What brings you here?” Dr. Kim asked.

            I gazed at the flowers as they bathed in the afternoon sun. “I don’t know.” The sprinklers kept working, providing the soil nourishment they needed to help the sunflowers grow.

            Silence.

            Not really. She just stopped talking. We sat side by side as we watched the flowers sway. What was so interesting about it anyways? Sunflowers? A good subject for a love song, perhaps.

            “You know why I love sunflowers, Jongwoon?” I tilted my head a little and I saw her looking at me with a smile. I didn’t need to answer and she knew that.

“Sunflowers… are interesting don’t you think?” Her gaze went back to the field—smile still lingered on her lips. I followed her gaze and stared at the picturesque scene in front of me.

            “You never said the reason to me before Dr. Kim,” I answered when she didn’t speak after a few minutes.

            She giggled a little. Her hand covered her lips as she did so. “I never did state it now, didn’t I? She questioned. “Sunflowers are heliotropic. They follow the sun--not in the literal sense of course. They watch the sun come and go yet they stay still. They still continue looking at the sun, following its movement throughout the day. That’s why sunflowers are interesting.”

            I looked at the sunflowers again. They were all facing the same direction which made me wonder if they’re just plain stupid or not. There they were, rooted in the ground, following the sun during the day only to get depressed at the end of it. A lot of insects and people would die for their attention yet they’re blinded by the sun. I came to a conclusion that in the story of the sunflower, the sun was a complete .

            “Do you know what else I find interesting about sunflowers?” She asked again. Since I didn’t know the answer, I just shook my head. “Sunflowers are satisfied by just watching their beloved sun run around catching the moon.”

            So the sun was a hopeless romantic? It was an idiot too? Wow.

            “I better get going. Youngwoon has a championship game and I don’t want to miss it. Do you need a ride Jongwoon?”

            “No thanks, Dr. Kim. I want to stay and think some things over.”

            She stood up and patted my shoulder. “If you need some advice, you know where to find me. I know admitting it is hard, but you know what they say: ‘The truth will set you free’.”

            I smiled then stood up to give her a hug. “Thank you Dr. Kim. Thank you for everything.”

            “You’re very welcome Jongwoon,” she answered as she hugged me back. After a few seconds, we pulled away and she went on her way.

            Sunflowers. Somehow, they really are interesting.

.: | :.

            I went home after a year of studying at Julliard. The first thing I did was visit my parents in Cheonan. I wanted to call Kyuhyun but I thought otherwise.  Kyuhyun. I’d been thinking about him when I was at Julliard. Ever since my confession to him I lost contact with him. I wrote him letters, yes, but I never sent them.

            “Jongwoon-ah, Kyuhyun’s mother just called. She says she wants to speak to you as soon as possible,” my mom called from downstairs. Kyuhyun’s mom? What did she want? I went downstairs and saw her holding the phone.

            “Do you know her number, Mom?”

            “She’s still on the line dear. Here.”

            My conversation with Mrs. Cho was brief. She said that Kyuhyun wouldn’t come out of his room for two weeks now and they’re really desperate to know what was wrong with him. I sighed. I was off to Seoul and the whole trip had me dizzy. Blame the lack of sleep and jet lag for that.

            Upon my arrival, the Cho’s pulled me inside and led me towards Kyuhyun’s room. They didn’t even asked me for a cup of tea or how Julliard was. I sighed again as they left me in front of Kyuhyun’s room. I knew he was there and he was still alive because I heard cursing and the sound of video games. I knocked softly.

            “Go away!” I heard him shout, making me heave out an irritated sigh. I didn’t come here to be ignored. Due to my irritation and lack of sleep, my knock became more erratic and loud. “I said go away!”

            I’d had enough! I was tired, I was sleepy and I ing wanted to lie down on my bed and apply cucumbers on my eyes. “Cho Kyuhyun, if you don’t open this door right now, I swear I’m going to break it, pull you out of this room and dump you outside your house. I’ll dump cold water on you, throw honey at you and drop a plastic bag of baking powder on your head.” I said everything—more like shouted—in a single breathing and ended up panting. The sounds from the other side of the door stopped and all I heard was the whispering outside, my heartbeat and my panting.

            My patience was wearing thin with each second that passed. I was about to kick the door when I heard it unlock and open slowly. I saw him. I saw him after a year. He looked… different. Negatively different and I didn’t like it. He looked paler and thinner. His eyes were bulging out and there were dark bags under them… What had happened to him?

            He moved aside and opened the door wider to let me in. I walked inside and saw the room was a mess. It was nothing unusual, but still… Good thing his bed was always organized. The moment I saw it, I flopped my body face down.

            The door closed and I heard the chair move. Nobody uttered a word and I heard him sighed. I tried getting up but I couldn’t move a muscle.

            “Let me sleep first then we’ll talk. Tell your mom I’m not dead yet and neither are you,” I murmured before finally letting sleep overcome me.

            No matter how tired I was, a small noise was enough to wake me. I heard Kyuhyun curse and when I opened my eyes the whole room was dark. How long had I been asleep?

            I got up and stretched my stiff muscles, yawned and rubbed my eyes. It was a habit kept unbroken no matter how hard I tried, and Kyuhyun always, always laughed at me. And he did it then, too.

            “You of all people should not laugh because this habit is hard to break. It’s harder than stopping myself from biting my nails.”

            “Sorry, hyung. It’s just too funny to see you doing all those, err… rituals?”

            I chuckled a bit and he joined in. Silence came after. I patted the space beside me and without saying anything, he joined me on the bed and rested his head on my thighs.

            “I missed you, hyung. I really missed you,” he sniffled. I didn’t say anything but I kept raking my hand on his hair. “One year without you is hell.”

            “You’re still selfish Kyu,” I mumbled. “You do remember that I confessed to you right?” I felt him nod then sniff. “I can’t possibly stay by your side. I’ll be hurt too.”

            He didn’t say anything. He just laid there and cried. Remembering my real purpose there, I decided to be straightforward. “Why did you lock yourself up here, Kyu? What happened?”

            I gave him a few minutes to calm himself down—to regain his composure. He kept crying—burying his face in my chest and holding onto my shirt like a life line.

            “Hyung… she…” Minzy, as usual. “I saw her… She…” I didn’t say anything—I just let him be. He needed to finish that sentence. “She cheated on me…” he whispered. Oh, so he finally found out? “I saw her… She… a guy… walk inside a love hotel…”

            He continued crying while I continued his hair. There wasn’t anything I could say at that moment. I’d said everything back then and he didn’t listen. He never listened to me. I tried using every method I knew of, but he was just stubborn. What did Minzy have that made Kyuhyun fall head over heels for her?

            “Hyung, am I not loveable? Do I deserve this treatment?” I didn’t answer. It felt like the words had left my head the instant I heard him say those things. My hand stopped as well without me realizing it. Kyuhyun sat up and stared at me with all the seriousness he could muster. “Hyung, kiss me.”

            “W-what?!”
            “You heard me. I want you to kiss me, hyung.” Those words left his mouth without a second thought. His eyes were b with determination and something else I couldn’t decipher. Something I hadn’t seen before.

            The temperature inside the room increased. Tension filled the air as the silence became suffocating. It felt like an eternity before someone moved—before someone spoke. It didn’t feel good and I was too shocked to even move. This was what I wanted. This was what I had dreamed of ever since I admitted that I was in love with Kyuhyun.

            Kyuhyun moved and ever so gently placed his lips against mine. It had felt like time had stopped. I wasn’t exaggerating. Not one bit. The desire I had locked away somewhere in the pits of my soul was unleashed by that simple kiss—by that innocent kiss.

            It lasted for 4 seconds—I counted it—before he pulled away. I sat there without looking at him, completely shocked by what had just transpired between us. We kissed. I touched my lips and the feeling was still there.

            “Hyung…” he called. I looked up and saw him staring at me. He inched closer to me.

            Closer.

            Closer.

            Closer. Till his face—his lips—were so close to mine I literally felt his breath. It was close. So close. This was what I desired. This was what I wanted. It was wrong and I should have stopped it… It was wrong but I couldn’t stop it.

            I leaned forward and kissed him. It started so innocent, so pure, but then it turned into something raw—raw and pure lust. Like a sunflower changing, unveiling and twisting its stem whenever the sun showed up. Complicated. Everything was so complicated that I was so lost.

            Everything happened in a blur. One moment we were kissing and the next thing I knew, clothes were discarded, limbs were tangled, and heavy pants were heard inside the walled room. Kyuhyun panted as I broke the kiss. He laid underneath me, panting, and eyes half-lidded and lust filled.

            “Are you sure about this Kyu? We should stop before both of us regret it. Before you regret it. Push me away now Kyu when you still have the chance,” I begged. That… act… was one-sided. We didn’t make love in his perspective, which I was positive about. We had . We had in his own bedroom.

            s were accompanied by moans as skin slapped against skin. It was a wonderful feeling. I was inside the person I loved. I finally embraced him. Regrets may have come later, but the ecstasy of the moment was too much for me to think about other things then.

            I came a few s after he did. Due to exhaustion, I dropped directly on top of him which made him groan. I rolled off him after a few minutes to wash myself. When I reached the bathroom I broke down and cried as I the shower. I was filthy. I had with my best friend who was heartbroken. I had taken advantage of his weakness.

            I was dirty. I was worthless. I was a .

            I left Kyuhyun’s house that same evening and went back to my old apartment. I hadn’t sold it. I didn’t want to. It held so many memories and if I sold it, it would have felt like I was selling a part of me too. That night I slept while crying. Crying over the mistake I made. Crying over the event that had happened and wishing it was all a dream.

            The next morning, I found him in my living room holding a cup of coffee. “What are you doing here?” I asked.

            “Hyung, we’re together again! She said that guy was just some old fling who was drunk. Hyung, she didn’t mean to hurt me after all!”

            It was like I had being stabbed in the chest. It was painful. The knife went deeper and deeper in my chest and it got harder for me to breathe. It hurt. It was too much. How many times did I have to go through this pain? How many times did I have to be so stupid?

            “Are you stupid or what?” I asked, thankful that my voice didn’t crack.

            “Huh?”

            I chuckled darkly. My smile was nowhere near humorous. I saw him whimper from my gaze. He was scared. Very scared.

            “You came here to tell me that you’re together again with your girlfriend after we had ? Are you really that stupid Kyuhyun? Or do you really take me for granted?”

            “Hyung… hyung, I... I’m sorry… I…”

            I chuckled again before taking wide strides and trapping him on my couch. “You do realize that I can do whatever I want here in my apartment, right?”

            “Hyung… please… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to,” he begged. I pulled away and sat in the empty space beside him, crossing both my arms and my legs.

            “She’s done it a thousand times Kyuhyun. Why stay? Why can’t you leave her? Why can’t you just be a man and stand up for yourself?”

            He didn’t answer. I thought he wasn’t going to answer but he did. He answered. He answered the question like how he used to before. He answered it sincerely which broke my heart even more than it should have.

            “Because I love her.”

            A week after our ‘fight’, I got a call from Mrs. Cho saying Kyuhyun was sent to the hospital. I was in Cheonan then and I panicked. I hurriedly went to Seoul in the middle of the night with my father driving the car.

            I prayed. I prayed for Kyuhyun’s safety. I prayed that he would be alright. I prayed and I prayed, hoping my prayers would be answered. I kept praying on our way to the hospital. He needed to be alright. I still had to apologize. He couldn’t die. No. He won’t die. He wouldn’t leave me, right? Right?

            Hours later, I saw Kyuhyun’s parents on the hallway. Mrs. Cho told me he cut his wrist and swallowed a lot of pills. He was in a dangerous condition because his health was already bad. There were a lot of technical terms and words that were too hard to understand. I looked at Kyuhyun’s features from the window. It pained me to look at him, to see him in this state. Why? Why did he commit suicide? Why?

            I entered the ICU where Kyuhyun was being held. There were a lot of wires and tubes attached to his body. He was paler than usual, skinnier than the last time I saw him. I took his hand and held it gently. What happened Kyuhyun? What happened to you?

            “Kyuhyun-ah, wake up. I’m here now. I need to apologize Kyuhyun. I need to apologize to you. I’m sorry Kyuhyun. I’m sorry I love you,” I whispered the last words so only I could hear it. Whisper. Whisper it to the other’s heart even though he won’t accept it. Whisper it even though I’d never hear it come back to me.

            The sound of the constant beeping turned into the sound I dreaded the most. His heart stopped beating. I saw it. The monitor has that single straight line—an indication that Kyuhyun’s heart had stopped beating. Even when I was outside the ICU, I could still hear it—that annoying sound which ended my best friend’s life forever.

            Regrets. Regrets flashed through my mind--the only thing that was on my mind.

.: | :.

            “Yesung, I have something for you,” Yuri announces before fishing out an envelope from her bag. She gives the letter to me and I’m so surprised to see my name imprinted on it. The handwriting is familiar—so familiar that perhaps it confuses me. This is Kyuhyun’s handwriting, so how did it end up in Yuri’s possession?

            “How did you get this?”

            “Kyuhyun gave this to Jessica after you left. He said he couldn’t give it to you,” Heechul hyung answers.

            I open the letter, read it silently and feel my whole world crumbling down. The letter… this letter… he intended to send this to me after I left for Julliard. He intended to answer my feelings for him. He… he really was stupid.

            I chuckle humorlessly as sudden realization hits me. He loved me back. He loved me too. He was just scared of society. He was scared of the taboo. He was scared… just like me. Why do we have to live in this society where homouals are looked down upon? Why? Just, why?

            I feel someone hug me and I can tell—feel—that it’s Dr. Kim. I keep crying and crying. I cling onto her shirt tightly. Nobody utters a word. Nobody makes a sound. Everyone is quiet. Everyone but me.

            My cries turn into sobs, and slowly it turns into hiccups. I kept my grip on her though since her presence is enough to calm me down. She keep my hair and rubbing my shoulder just like how she used to do after every session.

            Finally, I let go of her and wipe the tears from my cheeks. She hands me a tissue box which I use to wipe my snot. I look up and see everyone’s eyes on me which makes me blush. Yuri hands me a glass of water and I gulp everything down.

            “Are you alright now Jongwoon?” Dr. Kim asks. No. I’m not alright. I just found out that Kyuhyun loved me too and that… that… we made love that night. We did. Oh my God. We did.

            “Dr. Kim-“

            “Call me noona. We’re outside the clinic right now.”

            A smile makes its way to my face. Yeah, we’re no longer doctor-patient so I should drop the formalities. “Noona… he loved me too. He… why didn’t he tell me? We met again, three years ago. But why didn’t he tell me? Why did he hide it from me?”

            “The same reason that you did. He didn’t want you to be shunned away by society. He loved you too much Jongwoon,” Jessica noona answered.

            I’m confused now. I’m very, very confused. “If he loved me, then why was he crying over Minzy? Why did he kill himself? I don’t understand noona.” Heechul hyung exhaled deeply. Jessica noona’s arm is still around my shoulder. I don’t mind because it’s rather comforting.

            “I’m not sure if I’m correct. Jessie baby correct me if I’m wrong, ok? You see… how should I put this? Kyuhyun loved Minzy. He really did. All of his heartbreaks were true. Everything he felt was true. Now comes your confession.” He abruptly stops and averts his gaze towards noona then back to me after a minute of silent conversation between them. “When you told him you loved him more than a friend, he got confused. After much pondering, he finally realized he loved you too. He wanted to confess. He wanted to tell you he loved you, but society is an . Homouality is taboo. He didn’t want you to suffer. He didn’t want you to live and not be happy.”

            “Why did he kill himself? Why did he do that?”

            Silence.

            Was my question taboo too? Was it wrong to be curious? Why did they have to avert their eyes and avoid looking at me? Was there something I missed?

            “Yesung… you see…” Yuri started, still avoiding my eyes. “Minzy… she… she found out… and she…” Yuri trailed off. What happened?

            “She announced it to everyone while they were inside the mall. Because of humiliation, Kyuhyun committed suicide,” Noona finishes. Minzy. It’s all Minzy’s fault in the end. It’s all her fault. She did this to him. She’s the reason why Kyuhyun always cried. She…

            “Kyuhyun’s parents took legal action against her. They never mentioned it to you though because you were sulking and busying yourself with his funeral,” Heechul hyung interrupts my thoughts before placing the juice down on the table.

            “What happened to Minzy?”

            “Don’t ask,” Noona answers while taking a seat in between me and Heechul hyung. “You don’t need to know the details.”

            I see. So something must’ve happened to Minzy. I get so lost in my thoughts that I don’t realize the others have started talking about something else.

            My mind drifts off to Kyuhyun. Three years—three long years have passed. Three years of regrets and loneliness only to find out what was supposed to be. I can’t believe I deceived myself all these years. I can’t believe we ran around in circles. Damn it.

            The next day, I go to visit Kyuhyun’s grave with Yuri. She promised to accompany me there. She even picked the flower to place at his grave. This is the first time in three years that I’ve visited his grave. It’ll be the first time I’ve see him. I may not be able to touch him but I know he’s there, somewhere.

            Kyuhyun’s grave is well taken care of. The grass is trimmed neatly and a flower, a sunflower, is budding beside it. I place the sunflower we bought and pray for Kyuhyun’s soul. A cool breeze blows. Even without words, even without the arms to embrace me, I can feel it. I can hear it. I whisper the three words I long to hear from him. The three words I never—will never hear. The wind whispers it to me. I can feel him. He’s there and he’s saying goodbye to me now. I hear it. I hear it clearly. I can’t believe it. The conflicting emotions are overwhelming—sadness, happiness, loneliness, regrets and everything in between.

            I cry. I cry for the last time and will myself to move on. I have to. Kyuhyun moved forward so I have to move on too. He may not have said it physically but I heard it. He whispered it. I leave the place with Yuri with a smile on my face. Tranquility washes through me as we hop in my car and leave the cemetery.

            “I love you, Hyung.”

Warning: Consistent time jumping. Too many actually. I hope you won’t be confused.

Finally posted this. My goodness! This is the hardest i have written so far.