All the Little Things

It would have been appropriate to say that Kyuhyun was not in a good mood. He was terribly moody and pouty and frustrated and annoyed and just downright confused. Why was it that every time he had to go overseas for a concert it always ended with him in such a state? He would swear that he was generally a very cheerful person. He could admit that he was mischievous and snarky, but he did that in all playfulness. He absolutely had no joy dealing with this current continuous ill mood. He did not like the fact that he was disappointed and bordering on angry. The ill feelings were annoying enough, but the anger at actually feeling that way, was worst. It was annoying how a person could torture themselves really. Not only was he upset, he was upset that he was upset, which naturally made him even more upset. They sad ironies of life and the basic complexities of the human mind really was something of wonder. Sigmund Freud, in his endless works and investigations had but only touched a bit of the enigma that was the human mind. It was already such a unique entity, which only got more cluttered when merged with other intense emotions. His current indescribable emotions were definitely intense.

In truth he didn’t even know what he was feeling as he sat or rather slumped himself on the nice tasteful couch in Yesung’s hotel room. He supposed he should focus on how beautiful the couch was, stunning embroidered linen perfectly moulded over a carved wooden structure that screamed elegance and finesse. It was perfectly matched with the rest of the average sized room, composed of a large bed, with golden linens, that looked almost regal, mixed in with delicate furnishings that really should all look out of place but somehow meshed together in perfect synergy, as if they were almost made for each other, yet their uniqueness still standing out. That was another wonder of the world. How could things that were so different be able to blend together in such a manner as to appear as if they were always meant to be that way? It in a way reminded him of his current situation. They were two people that were virtually extremely different from each other, yet somehow always fit together with such precision that he was convinced that the heavens had so intended for it to be. Always different but always the same. He was contemplating the wonders of the world as he sat in a hotel room, in what was supposed to be the city of wonder, the city of love. It was just unfortunate that the city had not blessed him with such a situation and had led to his complex indescribable mood.

He was waiting patiently, or as patiently as he was capable of being, for Yesung to finally give him some of his attention. The older man was busy packing his things and scrabbling to find his various possessions as well as to make appropriate arrangements for his mother and brother. Kyuhyun kept his eyes on him, but his mind was far away. He was lost in a world of contemplation and annoyance.

It had been nearly four and half months since he had confessed his love for the man he was currently waiting on and had that confession returned. It had been four absolutely perfect months, filled with happiness and contentment. It was the only period in his life that he had ever actually felt complete. In life there was always something that was missing. No matter how happy he was or how perfect life was, there was always somewhere deep in the pits of his mind, hidden in the murky abyss, something that was fundamentally missing, something was just meant to be there. He never knew what it was exactly. He couldn’t have even conceived in his wildest dreams that it would be the love of his weird hyung, that it would be the feeling of Yesung holding onto him with tiny fingers, to finally make him whole. “Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition” [Alexander Smith], it was a description that he finally understood. In love, he was finally able to find the part of himself that he was missing. He had never even considered that a possibly, as something that was even capable of happening, but it did. He doesn’t know now how he lived without those fingers, or that warmth. He doesn’t know how he was even able to think he was happy when Yesung was not beside him. He rationalize that perhaps he was; it was just amplified exponentially now. Sweet became sweeter, joy became glee but pain became torture, missing became craving, distance became hell. He wondered if it was all worth it sometimes. He wondered if was worth the torture he had endured to even come to the realization that he was painfully, hopelessly, irrevocably, insanely, pitifully, eternally and whatever cheesy cliché expression he had forgotten, in love with his hyung. Dealing with the new feelings, the new ideas, the new possibilities had nearly cost him his sanity or maybe it did and he was just too insane to know better.

Every time he ever wondered though, it always ended with the same conclusion. Yesung would smile at him in passing, like he was doing now, as he scampered passed him looking for something or the other, causing Kyuhyun’s heart to thump and his insides feel tingly and satisfied. It was a measly smile and not even a full one, just an acknowledgement as he walked by. It was not meant to be anything else, yet it caused such a natural reaction, such a profound reaction. It was in this way that Kyuhyun was always sure it was worth it, that he was worth it. He would do anything to always see those smiles, for them to always be for him, to stand beside him, to hold his hands, to feel that warmth course through his body, to smell that coffee/cinnamon blend that drowned him. He would sacrifice his sanity and go to hell and back, just to have the opportunity to call himhis just once, much less for his entire life. It was always worth it, Yesung was always worth it.

He needed to be strong in his resolve, in his certainty. He needed to gather courage and truly appreciate what he had. He had to see the value in all the little things. Their existence was not something that permitted understanding and appreciation. Whilst he floated on the clouds and lived on a rainbow, each and every time he held onto an impossibly warm, freakishly small hands; the world itself was not made of sunshine and rainbows. It was not easy and it was not going to be easy. That ‘what the hell’ moment that he experienced when he realized that his destined partner, his other half, his possible soulmate was a bandmate, a hyung , a man, had more than persisted. It was a task to get accustomed to the feelings that he now had, to get adjusted to the fact that he was in love with someone that he didn’t find particularly attractive. It was an exercise in patience to allow the attraction to build, to foster that comfort, to make place for each other in their lives. It was hard but that was alright. Nothing in life worth having came easy. He had more than established that in his mind and hopefully Yesung’s, even the chance at forever with each other, was worth it. Holding Yesung’s hand, standing by his side, being fortunate to drown in his aroma were more than worth it, add in sleeping in his arms and being the guardian of his heart, then Kyuhyun would swear he would never know what he did to be that lucky in life.

Sigmund Freud had said “We are never so defenceless against suffering as when we love” and Kyuhyun would whole heartedly agree. He was suffering now, due to the love that branded his heart and surged through his body, marking ever single cell it touched. He was sure he loved the older man with every fibre in his body. Even that bipolar subconscious of his loved him, even if it complained endlessly.’ I never said I didn’t love him. It’s your ramblings that annoy me. Yeusngie hyung is perfect…he is special’ his mind cooed dreamily. Even his mind was possessed by Yesung, realistically what hope did he have? Love was the cause of all his problems. It gave him endless joy but it also made him terribly moody and often irrational. The more he loved the more he craved, the more he missed, the more he wanted to be near the man. Love had made him weak, weak for a particular weird hyung, but what Freud forgot was how much stronger it also made him.

 He forgot to include the absolute joy that surrounded his heart by just one smile, or how his heart thumped with each softly spoken word, or how his skin burned in the good way from a simple brush of fingers, or how intoxicating a simple odd mixture of aromas could be. He didn’t equate how much stronger he had to be to fight to keep holding onto those fingers, to protect that smile, to defend his right to be enticed by words spoken in the most heavenly husky voice he had ever had the pleasure of hearing. He was definitely weak, but always that much stronger.  So much stronger that the patience he could never learn his entire life he had developed, just to have a few minutes with the man he loved. He would complain, but would still wait an eternity just to have him in his arms.

 It was unfortunate that it had come to that though. He was in Paris, the city of love and romance, forever characterized as the home of all lovers. Yet, for some unknown reason his time in Paris had been anything but conducive to love. To get things started, he was already in Yesung withdrawal with his musical in full swing, then they had travelled separately, with him being left by himself at home, separated from his addiction for days, then they didn’t even have time for each other when he arrived, with Yesung rooming separate and busy ensuring that his mother and brother were safe and well taken care of coupled with rehearsals and basic organization required. To make matters worse, he was even leaving much earlier and Kyuhyun would be left without him once again, with the time after the concert spent with the others and now he was busy. Seriously Kyuhyun would swear under oath that he and by extension them, could not catch a break. He knew this thing they had wouldn’t be easy, but sometimes it was just downright frustrating.

“Just give me a few minutes Kyu ah. I am almost finished. I just have to check on Mom and then the others. Just a little bit again” Yesung assured, as he stopped his activities for a brief second to speak to the younger man sitting on the couch waiting for him. He knew Kyuhyun hated to wait on anything and anyone and really appreciated the gesture. He was going to try his best to finish everything quickly, so that he could spend a few minutes with his Kyuhyunnie. It was so stressful sometimes.

“Go ahead” Kyuhyun replied slightly stiffly but smiled at the older man, after he saw the apologetic smile he was shooting in his direction. What else could he say really? Could be tell him that his mind was torturing him and he needed him beside him instantly? He couldn’t say something that cheesy; his pride wouldn’t allow it and it was not right to burden the love of his life, who was already feeling guilty of his own accord. In truth, Kyuhyun was lucky to even be in his presence. It was much better than the days preceding that was for sure.

Kyuhyun didn’t know it was possible to crave for the presence of a non drug related entity. It was a burning, suffocating feeling, which was completely locked in his mind. He existed as usual, but just felt this frightening sort of emptiness. He missed Yesung’s warmth, his shy smiles, his husky voice nagging him to rest and to eat his veggies. He just missed him. He supposed that was to be expected really. In his current lovelorn state, being away from Yesung for hours was hard. He supposed he could just blame it on love. It was not as if he could cure the feeling anyway. Once he was in love with Yesung he would crave his presence, so that basically meant that he would always crave his presence.

Yesung had travelled ahead to France without him for whatever stupid reason the company had. He had no idea what they needed him in France for. Didn’t they know Kyuhyun would have loved to spend 13 hours on a plane, next to the man he loved? They were already unable to spend much time together because of his musical. Those few hours would have been precious. He didn’t care that they would be confined to a small area and be rather bored after a few hours and probably need to sleep, but he would love just being near him, just seeing him, even being able to watch him grind his teeth. He felt deprived.

Then Yesung would be in France, in Paris, the city of love. They were in love. ’Yes we know. You have made that quite clear with you incessant embarrassing ramblings’ his mind deadpanned. Kyuhyun refused to engage in any argument with his mind. The point was simply that Kyuhyun was a man in love that was separated from his beloved, in the freaking city of love. He would dare anyone to tell him how on earth any part of that was fair. Yesung was in France a full day without him. The only thing that gave him any joy was the fact that thankfully Siwon would not be there. He was sure he would have died if Yesung had been in Paris with Siwon. Just the idea was enough to make his blood crawl and his stomach clench painfully.

He knew Siwon didn’t have romantic feelings for Yesung, but that didn’t make him less annoyed. It would have been atrocious if Yesung had enjoyed Siwon’s company in the city of love rather than his. He knew he should have been happy that Yesung would have had someone to spend time with and he would have probably really enjoyed Siwon’s company, yet he was willing to admit that he was just selfish like that. Siwon was better off far away and it was not as if Yesung would be alone. He was sure that Donghae and Ryeowook would keep him happy and give him company till his family arrived. The best part of that annoying day was that Siwon was stuck in China. Kyuhyun didn’t think he had ever loved China or the distance between China and France, so much. ‘I hope you realize how petty and childish you are?’ his mind questioned. Kyuhyun would only say that he did but when it came to Siwon, he didn’t care. Siwon was just too close, and he didn’t like it.

Honestly his mind should have just allowed him to enjoy the Siwon free thing since he didn’t have much else to be happy about. By the time he finally made it to France, things were just too hectic for him to anything with Yesung. He came in late and it was the days after Eunhyuk’s birthday and then Siwon arrived shortly after and it was his birthday, so they were required to spend whatever time they could with everyone and the crew. Kyuhyun knew he should have been happy to be near him finally, but he was just disappointed that they couldn’t even do one of things that people in love did in Paris. They didn’t even get to go for a walk together. He would have been thrilled to go for a walk atleast. Their time was already limited, then Yesung had to take care of his family, which meant even less attention for Kyuhyun. He couldn’t begrudge Yesung’s family, but it really didn’t help matters any. 

Concert rehearsals and preparations were another stressful time consuming pain that had further cost him any opportunity to do something with the person he was hopelessly in love with. Yesung was able to spare him a few minutes to speak to him atleast, before Siwon managed to steal him away. He couldn’t even complain properly as Siwon being in China meant he had precedence. It meant that Yesung missed his favourite dongsaeng terribly and couldn’t be pried away from him to even sneak away and do something you would expect in Paris. Kyuhyun even suspected that Yesung was not a hundred percent, but whatever it was he was hiding it well and Kyuhyun didn’t want to jump to conclusions just yet.

That was not the end of Kyuhyun’s troubles. He had realized that he had lots of trouble sleeping without the older man. It was really rather odd. Before he could sleep just fine, even if he was alone, but now it was difficult. He couldn’t explain it really. It was not as if he always slept with Yesung in his arms. There were often times when they didn’t sleep together and he was able to sleep when they were overseas, but that time at the dorm it was hard. He supposed it was made hard by the fact that he was in the dorms and Yesung was not there. Normally, even if he didn’t sleep with him, protected in his arms, drowning in his warmth, he would be able to see him before he slept. He supposed it was just hard adjusting to the fact that he was not there. He didn’t even want to think about what would happen when he goes to the army. He would not think about it. He and his mind were in firm agreement on that fact.

All in all, the city of love had not been filled with much expressions of love or rather it was better to say that, of all the romantic things they could do in Paris, they had failed miserably. Kyuhyun knew he wasn’t exactly a romantic person, but it was Paris. Even he knew you weren’t supposed to just share a few rushed words with the love of your life, your ‘could be’ soul mate. Wouldn’t that be such a waste? They didn’t have to do anything amazing. They could have just spend an evening together drinking wine, or have a dinner together alone. Instead they didn’t even have a proper dinner together. Kyuhyun just couldn’t help feel disappointed by it all. He supposed he should be grateful that he was in a better position than he was previously in. Atleast he could see Yesung now, be near him, be in his presence see his warm smiles. It was much better than when they were apart, where he didn’t even have that comfort, but still he couldn’t help but feel aggrieved, like they had wasted an opportunity. Why were things always like that with them? It was like they were cursed. Even after the concert, when they could be together for a bit, thing weren’t working out. Yesung was already getting ready to leave and he couldn’t do anything about it. He would be stuck in Paris without him. It was just pointless to be there without him.

He was frustrated and annoyed and then mad that he was frustrated, since he knew he should be grateful. It was just so annoying.  It was even more annoying if he was to be truthful, to be  force to sit and wait like a child for Yesung to be finished. The worst part was that no matter how much he hated it, he would do it every single time if it meant he could spend time with Yesung. It was hurting his pride and making him mad. It was all just ruining his mood. He was mad at everything and mad at own self. He was mad that they couldn’t spend time together, that he had to wait, that this trip was a waste in the romance aspect and mad that he was mad.  He was supposed to be grateful and he was not supposed to care so much. He didn’t know what he was feeling anymore. He grimaced and possibly pouted as the internal debate continued.

“Would stop looking like that?” Yesung questioned rhetorically with a chuckle as he finally has a second to observe Kyuhyun, seeing him wearing what would be the cutest pout he had ever seen, if it was not continuously being overthrown with a grimace and a tightening of his jaw, only to return to prominence once again. Yesung could tell he was annoyed and definitely had a lot on his mind. He felt sorry for keeping him waiting and felt guilty because there was nothing he could do to alleviate his troubles. He even felt guilty that he just found him to be cute. He knew he should be taking his countenance seriously, but the pouting was too much for his mind to take, without being lost admiring how adorable his Kyuhyunnie was.

“I don’t know what you are talking about” Kyuhyun spitted out, annoyed with the question. Was it even a question? Was he implying that something was wrong with his face? Well that would be rather rude. ‘Will you calm down? I know you are grumpy but you can’t take it out on him. Relax. Think, then speak’ his mind guided. It was right. Yesung sounded calm, almost teasing. He was smiling at him. He was being an idiot. He needed to calm down. He finally had Yesung’s attention, as the man was talking towards him. He should be happy. It was getting better. He took two deep breathes, trying to clear his mind, before he said something he would regret. Yesung was strong and even tempered but he could be sensitive sometimes, in the most random ways, so Kyuhyun had to be careful, be conscious of his temperament if he didn’t want to hurt him. Kyuhyun would never want to hurt him.

“Of course you don’t” Yesung teased sarcastically, ignoring the biting tone of Kyuhyun’s words. He was not offended. He knew Kyuhyun was frustrated and did not see any need to force an argument. Kyuhyun was trying his best to remain calm and he would help him rather than provoke him.

 In moments like those he needed babying rather than anger. With that firmly in mind, Yesung took up a seat next to the slouched, childlike younger man, immediately reaching across his body and pinching his cheeks, grabbing the lush flesh softly in his inevitably tiny grip. His fingers being midgets, were unable to grab hold much of what was offered to him. Kyuhyun was childishly trying to pull away from the gentle grip, annoyed by the cooing sounds Yesung was making as he rocked his face side to side, the older man smiling adorningly, eyes bright and playful, completely enjoying the fact that he had the cute maknae in such a grip. He refused to release the hold despite Kyuhyun’s attempts to shake him off, by shaking his head side to side, hair falling all over , making him look like a puppy swishing its fur about. The sight was even cuter than the pouting Kyuhyun, making Yesung intent on holding on rather than letting go, continuous cooing, ‘sooo cute’.

Kyuhyun was annoyed at first that he was being babied, but the warmth from the finger s attached to him was burning and enticing, then he realized that Yesung was a lot closer than he was a few minutes ago and well… it pleased him. He still wanted him to get off though. It would completely ruin his reputation if anyone saw him like that. It was an insult really, even if he did have his reasons for enjoying it, including the adorable smile and shining eyes that Yesung had directed at him. He already felt his thoughts vanishing and his mind settling, coming to focus on the smaller man attached to his face.

Kyuhyun realized that his shaking was ineffective, so reached his hands up to grab the hand attached to his face, muttering a “Get off Hyung” though it didn’t sound anything like it was supposed to as just then Yesung had decided he would rather see what a squished Kyuhyun would look like, changing positions, so that he could squish his cheeks, to make him look like a fish. He supposed Donghae would be proud of the eventual form his face took. Yesung was chuckling at the picture, giggling adorably when the words came out slurred. Kyuhyun placed his hands on his, but made no effort to forcibly remove the offending limb. Yesung was having too much fun and he didn’t have the heart to take it away from him. He would allow it, only because there was no one around to see him do it. It had nothing to do with the fact that Kyuhyun was weak for his smile or his cute giggles and didn’t have the will to act, nothing at all, he would assure.

“What’s wrong Kyu ah?” Yesung asked tenderly, as he finally ceased his squishing and reforming of Kyuhyun’s face. He didn’t remove his hands though, allowing them to remain delicately placed on his cheeks. He was sure Kyuhyun was less grumpy now, but knew the frustration and anger was still there. He could guess what was causing most of it, but would rather Kyuhyun just tell him what it was exactly then him just relying on the mountain of possible issues. There were so many things that could have upset him, he knew, as he smiled sadly at him, as he moved his hands ever so slowly on Kyuhyun’s cheeks in almost feather light touches.

“Nothing is wrong Hyung” Kyuhyun responded, not meeting Yesung’s eyes. He was upset, but was rather embarrassed to share his grievances with him. He knew it would just make him sound childish and petty, and in truth he was being childish. Not everything went your way always; it was something he had to learn to accept. He felt foolish for feeling that way and even more foolish for acting like a child. He may have even been pouting for all he knew. None of it was Yesung’s fault. Well Siwon was his fault, but that was done unconsciously. He really shouldn’t worry the older man or make him feel guilty and in truth he was feeling much better now.

“I promise the next time we come to Paris we will do lots of cool things together. Then you will want to be with the others. You will be tired of me. It was just unlucky how things worked out really. Next time we will do better. I am sure. Next time we will do all sorts of things together….. If you think about it, it wasn’t that bad” Yesung promised, hoping to coax Kyuhyun out of his bad mood. He had a fair idea what was upsetting him and would admit that he was feeling something similar. When he was informed that they would be going to Paris together, he could admit of picturing a nice scene, holding hands or atleast a shoulder to shoulder walk along the Champs-Élysées, maybe a lunch at a café and all those other cute romantic things that the many movies he watched at shown or hinted at. It was not to be and he had to accept that fact. Perhaps John Lennon was right “Life is what happens while you are making other plans”. He was making his plans and life happened. He couldn’t blame Kyuhyun for feeling disappointed, but now he just had to be hopeful. Next time thing would be better, they would. “We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope [Martin Luther King Jr.]” or something like that, he remembered reading a long time ago. He would hope that the next time would be better and he would make Kyuhyun believe it. They couldn’t wallow. It was what it was.

“Not that bad? Really?” Kyuhyun questioned with raised eyebrows, looking at the man smiling at him, with disbelief. As far as Kyuhyun was concerned the whole thing was a disaster. Nothing went as planned and he didn’t even get to do anything with him. It was far from conducive. They didn’t get to do a single couple thing whilst in France. Kyuhyun was not desperate for romantic moments, but they were in Paris. Shouldn’t they have been able to go for a walk together and just enjoy being with each other? It was nothing like what he had in mind when he thought that they would be in Paris together. It was even weirder that they actually spent even less time together. Atleast at home he got to sit with him on evenings and just speak to him or on amazing days he was able to sleep with him held tightly in his arms. He didn’t expect to have that luxury outside of their dorms but it was just sort of annoying that in the place where your romantic aspirations were amplified, that their romantic dalliances were actually reduced. He supposed that maybe he had too many hopes or too many ideas in his mind, that everything just fell flat.

“It could have been worst Kyuhyun ah” Yesung pointed out finally removing his hands from Kyuhyun’s cheeks and looking at him with sad eyes. He was sorry that Kyuhyun was so sad about the whole thing. He always forgets that Kyuhyun was younger than he was. Kyuhyun was still a child sometimes and from his perspective things were probably a complete disaster. In a way it was, but Yesung was choosing to focus on the positives. Fine. He didn’t get that walk along that beautiful path with the person he loved, but atleast he had a person like Kyuhyun to love him, for him to love. He was atleast able to sit with him and feel comforting warmth radiate from him. It was more than he had yesterday. Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures [H. Jackson Brown], it was a thought he was going to embrace. He had hoped for more, but he was intent on enjoying what he had.

Kyuhyun’s presence by his side was always a pleasure. If it happened on a petal lined path or in a small hotel room for a few precious moments, all that mattered to him was that Kyuhyun was beside him. He hoped that Kyuhyun could understand that, that he could understand that whilst it was disappointing, it was amazing that they were even able to sit together, just be near each other. He didn’t want something flashy or something romantic. He just wanted Kyuhyun. He was hopeful that Kyuhyun understood what he meant, when the younger man grabbed hold of his hand firmly, grip firm and strong, forcing his eyes back to look at him, with Kyuhyun looking at him with a small smile. He returned it warmly, lacing their fingers together. If he was ever asked what he felt in that moment, he could simple say, Satisfaction.

The second the words were uttered Kyuhyun entered a proper contemplation. If he were to examine the events, he could admit that they weren’t all bad. He had seen Yesung when he arrived and sat with him for a few minutes, until Siwon stole him away. Okay,maybe that was not the best example. For the most part though, it was not as if he was invisible to the older man. Yesung did try to give him his attention when he could have. It was unfortunate that he was unable to do so for extended periods but the point is he did try. Kyuhyun recognized that he should not be so selfish always. Spending the time with the others wasn’t ideal for a romantic moment, but it was still time spent with the man he loved and the people that were closer than brothers to him.

He had missed Eunhyuk’s birthday and if he was being practical could admit that in those moments he was happy to spend time with his caring, easily bullied hyung. Yeah, he knew that he often used him as a figurative punching bag, but that was only because he loved him so much. Eunhyuk had a very special place in his heart and he was happy to spend the days following his birthday with him and the others. He could even be willing to admit that he was happy to spend the time with Siwon on his special day as well. ‘Awww….You love Siwonnie hyung’ his mind teased. He wouldn’t quite state it that way but he would admit that he was fond of Siwon as well. Even if Siwon annoyed the hell out of him and he made plots to kill him in his mind, Siwon was still one of his beloved hyung-duel. In a way he really did love Siwon, someone that had always taken care of him and up to now puts up with his childishness with genuine kindness. He would just love him more if he kept his hands to himself and did not touch what belonged to Kyuhyun, Read: Yesung.

So, in a way he didn’t regret spending the time with them. It was a special time and they were all together. Their future together was going to be rough and he was sure he would be shedding a few tears as he said a temporary goodbye to a beloved leader and a very special person, but he wasn’t going to think about that. He was happy to be with them, even if it had cost him a few sweet moments with Yesung. Love was not always limited to romantic love, platonic love could be just as intense. If he was going to look at it positively and instead of the whining child that he was being, he still had Yesung beside him during those times. Even when they all sat together, Yesung would always be near him, even if he let Siwon chat his ear off. He let Kyuhyun hold his hand where possible and always smiled at him, no matter what he was doing. Shouldn’t he be grateful, that he received those smiles? In the world, a population of over 7 billion people, yet those smiles were meant for him alone, meant to ease his heart, to make him happy. ‘You are an ungrateful idiot’ his mind taunted. He was starting to feel like a real idiot. ‘Oh…but it doesn’t end there, does it?’ his mind continued to lambaste.

He really was an idiot. Why didn’t he see it sooner? Even during the concert Yesung was much more open with him. For once he was allowed to stay close, to be near him, to stand beside the man he loved since he had confessed. He knew it was weird, that he was banded from being near him after he confessed, but that was just the way it worked. In reality it was not as if he did or would do anything ridiculous in public that would draw attention to them. He was not exactly prone to skinship naturally and would avoid unnecessary flashy action. It didn’t help that Yesung was painfully shy about skinship between the two of them. He knew that it was much easier with the others, as that was just actions in passing, but between them everything had new meaning. His heart thumps when he holds him in his arms and his skin tingles with a brush of his fingers for God’s sake. He really did understand why Yesung would be cautious. It was hard to focus on the concert, when all you could think about was the feeling of warmth spreading through you or the feeling of silky skin against your hands. Yesung was always right in his demands that they kept their distance, with the older man being a bit paranoid.

In this concert though he had relaxed his strict rules, though he had never outright stated the rules exactly, leaving it up to Kyuhyun to interpret, when he had  warned him to be careful and focus on the concert. Kyuhyun knew though, that even if was not categorically stated that it meant that he was to keep his distance, as would Yesung , and only act as appropriate. During this event though, Yesung had allowed him to be much closer to him. Kyuhyun did not think for a second it had to do anything with him being less paranoid. Kyuhyun knew it came for his own longing and the guilt that he felt. He was not insistent on distance, because he missed Kyuhyun and wanted him near.

Kyuhyun supposed he didn’t have the will required to enforce his distance requirement. Kyuhyun was rather happy to use the opportunity to stand beside him for the duration of the concert wherever possible. He allowed Kyuhyun to play with him more freely, which Kyuhyun is ashamed to say he took full advantage of. He wondered if he hurt him when they performed Do Re Mi…..he does recall poking him rather fiercely. ’You only now consider that?’ his mind questions in wonder. He was sorry if he was slow, it only now occurred to him. He supposed that he didn’t hurt him as Yesung was sitting beside him now and was perfectly fine, but he had to remember to be careful. Yesung was rather harsh as well, chasing him around. He wonders if Yesung considers whether he hurts him.’ Its Yesung, what do you think?’ his mind asked sarcastically. Yeah, he definitely would have considered it.

Aside from letting Kyuhyun stand by him and play with him where appropriate, Yesung was also a lot more publically loving towards him. It was not as if he did anything monumental but it was all in the tiny details. The looks he would flash in his direction, the way his eyes would always find his. ’Be Honest! They only find yours because you are always staring at him’ his mind teased. He would deny that claim outright. He was not staring at him, he was checking up on him at regular intervals, and as Yesung was standing next to him frequently, he didn’t need to keep staring at him, he could just feel the warmth radiating off of him by their proximity. It was just a feeling he had in the pits of his stomach, by the metaphorical warmth, not actual warmth. To have him that close was fulfilling all by its self. It was even worth more, since he knew that Yesung was trying to make him happy, that he also just wanted to be near him, chancing the possibility of something bad. Once more if Kyuhyun was to be honest, he rather appreciated their closeness. In those moments he was very happy. Yesung was standing beside him, he was by his side. Wasn’t that precious by itself? Wasn’t he fortunate to have that luxury? Arrrggg….He was starting to hate that feeling you get when you realize that you are an idiot. He would give the world to be able to stand beside Yesung. It was precious and he was complaining. Seriously he really was an idiot.

He realized that he had even more reasons to feel stupid. Yesung didn’t just stand beside him, but was always so tender and loving with him. He touched him and played with him. He stood beside him and was always near; he even had full whispered conversations with him. No, he did not whisper sweet nothings, like a love sick teenager; instead he just spoke to him. He just told him what he found interesting, the talked about the things he saw, the things he liked. He behaved as they normally do. He was trying to keep them that closeness that they always felt, just being near each other, acting as they normally did. Yesung even fixed his collar for him. He was taking care of him even on stage, being focused on him, even if he tried to kiss Siwon. He would let that one go, he would.

Seriously those two were annoying. What was with the loving stare when they were performing Our Love? Or worse; Yesung standing so close to the muscled man during their cosplay. ‘He played with you then as well. Even more than Siwon. Stop being so selfish’ his mind chastised. Fine! He could admit it. Yesung had paid him a lot more attention, even if it was not the flashy type. Instead they were soft delicate actions, meant only for him. Yesung had even let him hold his hand briefly, very briefly, but he still allowed it without chastising Kyuhyun for him.

He was no longer feeling like an idiot, but had instead confirmed that he was a childish, petty, ungrateful idiot. Yesung had done a lot for him to be happy and instead he was being childish. It would have been hard for him to disregard that much worry to let Kyuhyun be beside him, to play with him, to speak to him, to give him so much attention. Yesung did all that to make him happy. He enjoyed every  moment of it. In those seconds he felt unbridled joy and contentment, even when Yesung smacked him a few times. He remembered thinking about how warm it was where his hands touched. He had been happy and fulfilled by small actions and now he was being selfish and childish. Those little moments were so precious, so valuable. It was just them in a natural environment, nothing forced, not expected, just something allowed to naturally progress, to naturally flow. It was better than anything else anyway.

What was he expecting in Paris anyway? Why was he such an idiot? He had a perfect day with a perfect person. Well perfect aside for those Siwon moments, but atleast it wasn’t that bad. He could imagine the guilt that Yesung was probably feeling, even if it wasn’t his fault, all because he was being childish and petty. He was unintentionally hurting him. Why was he so stupid? ‘Stop wasting time and let him know you are fine, before he takes it the wrong way’ his mind instructed.

His annoying mind was right. Kyuhyun would admit that he was still disappointed that they didn’t do the things they could have or should have done whilst in the City of Love, but he would appreciate what he was blessed with. He would be happy with the amazing things that he already had, namely an adorable man that loved him enough to feel guilty about something he didn’t do and couldn’t control, simply because he wanted him to be happy. He would truly never know what he did in life to ever be so lucky. He had to return that blessing and ensure that the man next to him always knew how happy he was just to be in his presence, how excited he was to hold his hand, how eternally grateful and fortunate he felt to have his care and attention, how miraculous he thought it was to be the recipient of his love. Kyuhyun was determined to fix his prior mistake, immediately extending his hand to grab hold firmly of the hand closest to him. Apparently Yesung had removed his hands when he was thinking. Kyuhyun held on tightly, squeezing the fingers in his hands as he waited for Yesung to look at him. When those glorious almond shaped eyes were finally trained on  him, Kyuhyun smiled sweetly, nodding his head in understanding. H e hoped Yesung would realize that he was no longer going to be an idiot, that he would be willing to be sensible and grateful. Kyuhyun was thrilled when Yesung smiled in return, lacing their fingers together. Kyuhyun felt happiness then. Yesung was always so forgiving, so loving towards him. He felt pure contentment in that moment.

“I guess it wasn’t all bad” Kyuhyun admitted with a warm smile and a even tone, squeezing the hand held in his fondly, whilst nodding his head in agreement as he mulled through all the things that could worst. He instantly had flashed backs of Singapore and Taiwan. He was rather grateful he did not have to watch his Yesung be violated on a stage in forced silence. If he had to watch Siwon delicately undress him one more time, he swears he will have to murder someone, who would most likely be Siwon. He was rather grateful that Yesung remained fully clothed and Siwon had kept his hands to himself in that regard. There were still things he would have rather avoided, namely those loving glances and that would be kiss. Seriously that kiss pissed him off. How on earth was that fair? Yesung was in love with him and had yet to even suggest that they kiss. Kyuhyun would like to clarify that he had no intention of pressuring the older man and if truth be told he wasn’t sure he was ready for such a step yet. The intimacy aspect was still really weird, but it was the principle of the matter that was actually upsetting him. He supposed his reaction was childish and petty, ignoring Yesung when he approached him, but he was just like that. It was even more annoying that Yesung either didn’t notice or care. Things like that hurt a man’s pride. Sometimes he being oblivious was beneficial, and then you had moments like that. The lead singer was definitely an enigma, one he would thorough enjoy solving over their many years together.

Considering the things that could have occurred, things really weren’t that that. He could imagine Siwon doing to Yesung what he did to Sungmin and could feel his blood pressure immediately spike. In comparison a few loving looks and sweet words were much better than Siwon manhandling his favourite hyung. He had to expect Siwon to be affectionate, when he was away from him for so long, so in reality it really wasn’t that bad. Or maybe Siwon was just a little bit weary, considering that he was practically body guarding the older man in the periods in which they weren’t required to be dancing or in full performance. He was proud to say he held the older man’s attention right through the down periods. It was just sad that he had to mock Siwon to have that attention, with Yesung reprimanding him. It was worth it though; those fingers shoving him were definitely warm. ‘I hope you realize how pitiful that is’ his mind pointed out. He could agree. It was rather pitiful that he found so much joy in being chastised, but he would only say that it was accompanied by a smile and was meant only for him and that made it valuable.

“Just a pity that we couldn’t do more sightseeing” Kyuhyun elaborated further, the obvious together, being implied, without being expressed. He truly recognized that the concert could have been much worse, but the fact still remained that they didn’t do much together. Yesung would have done some sightseeing with Donghae and Eunhyuk, but he was not with him then was he? Kyuhyun didn’t much care to see the sights. He was sure it was all beautiful and breathtaking; he only wanted to spend time with the older man. He knew he was resolved to be grateful for what they did have and to appreciate the more important things, but that didn’t make it any less pitiful. It was what it was, regardless of what you called it. He was still deprived, even if he was trying to be mature about it.

“Yeah that was unfortunate, but hey…Atleast you get to stay back and sight see with Eunhyuk. I am sure you will have fun Kyuhyun ah” Yesung suggested with a bright smile, concealing his own disappointment. He knew that Kyuhyun meant that they didn’t get to sight see together, but it was pointless to harp on it. In life one had to learn to accept the tribulations and appreciate the blessings. What benefit would he have crying over spilt milk? He could look to the positives though. It was sad that they wouldn’t be together but he could be happy that atleast Kyuhyun would get to spend some time in Paris and he would definitely have fun with Eunhyuk and the others. Eunhyuk would take care ofhis BabyKyu and that was enough for him. Change your thoughts and you change your world [Norman Vincent Peale]; that is exactly what he was going to do. He was intent on making this better, to convince Kyuhyun to enjoy the time, even without him. He wanted him to be happy.

“Yeah we will have fun. I am sure me and Eunhyukkie hyung will do interesting things together” Kyuhyun said suggestively with a teasing grin. He knew that Yesung was trying to cheer him once more and he felt stupid for needlessly worrying him. Yesung was trying to stay positive and Kyuhyun was adamant that he would not ruin the mood the older man was trying to create. In fact, it was better that he did some teasing. He was really sure that he and Eunhyuk could do interesting things together. Eunhyuk had been rather adamant about Moulin Rouge. It was not exactly his sort of thing, but he could have fun. He didn’t think Yesung would care much though. The man never cares, once Kyuhyun was happy, which by that very fact made Kyuhyun happy.

“You better behave and don’t bully Hyukkie, you little demon” Yesung warned, his scrunched up as he turned to look at Kyuhyun with soft serious eyes. Kyuhyun chuckled. Ofcourse Yesung would misunderstand. He was talking about visiting some risqué places with pretty scantily clad girls and Yesung only heard that he would be with Eunhyuk and do interesting things. Interesting didn’t always correlate with him being mean. It was cute that he would think he had to protect Eunhyuk and even more adorable that he once again misunderstood. Kyuhyun didn’t know what he would do with him. Sometimes he just wanted to keep him locked away in his pocket, where he would always be that oblivious and adorable, and sometime he wanted to strangle him for being that oblivious and unaware. He really did have an amazing life.

“I won’t bully him….Instead we will be mischievous together” Kyuhyun explained, with a lift of his eyebrow and a devilish smile, bordering on a smirk. He wondered if Yesung would get what he was implying this time. In truth he was only teasing. It was unlikely that they would get up to much trouble with a film crew following them around for the most part, but he could give Yesung the idea. ‘You do realize that is pointless right?’ his mind sighed. He supposed it was, but it was still fun.

“Behave” Yesung said as he rolled his eyes and smacked Kyuhyun across the stomach with his free hand. He finally got what the maknae was implying and had no intention of playing with him. If he wanted to do those things, then he should have fun, once he didn’t do anything ridiculous to embarrass himself or the band and he better not hurt himself. He was aware of the film crew though, so it was unlikely they would get up to anything like that. Kyuhyun was just being his usual teasing self, which made Yesung happy. Atleast he wasn’t grumpy anymore, confirmed by the joyful chuckle that he released rather than the forced ones previously put forward.

“We really will do more things together next time. I promise, we will” Yesung spoke seriously, as he looked at Kyuhyun with fierce certain eyes and a strong continence, before leaning into his body, resting his head on his shoulder. Yesung was dead serious. He was going to be positive, but that did not mean he would dismiss this experience. It was rather unfortunate that things worked out the way it did, and he had his own disappointments. He was adamant that the next time they were in Paris, when ever that would be, they would do better, he would do better. That next time he would not disappoint Kyuhyun. He promised himself to make him happy next time. They would do all those nice romantic things. ‘Do you  even know any nice romantic things?’ his mind questioned in doubt. That was another promise he would make himself. He would look up all those nice romantic things coupled did. ‘You don’t even know the name. You keep calling it nice romantic things’ his mind snickered. He obviously had some research to do, so next time he would be sure they would have a good time. He repeated his promise as he tried to lift his head, to return to his independent sitting position, but was impeded.

“We will” Kyuhyun vowed as well, with a loving voice and a gentle disposition, as he held the man trying to escape in his arms, bringing his hand around to hold him firmly against his shoulder, wrapping his hand around the elder’s shoulder, in the process releasing their joint hands. Kyuhyun would remedy that swiftly, stretching his free hand to hold on the temporarily released prisoner, tightening his grip on both positions, until Yesung abandoned any intention of separation, relaxing into the now constrictive hold, with Kyuhyun resting his chin on the chaotic mat of ebony with tenderness. Kyuhyun just wanted to enjoy the moment. He wanted to feel the closeness and enjoy the warmth. What they couldn’t have, was already decided, now he could enjoy what he did have. He had the person he loved with his entire being resting against him, trusting him, loving him, protected in his arms. It didn’t matter what he didn’t have, all that mattered was the warmth that was paralyzing his body in sweet pleasure, the smell of coffee/cinnamon that was attacking his nostrils and the tiny fingers that were wrapped loving with his. He didn’t need a romantic walk or a beautiful sunshine to appreciate these moments; he just needed to do it. Once the man he was holding prisoner, always allowed himself to be held in his arms, Kyuhyun would always be a happy man.

They both relaxed against each other, happy to be in each other’s presence, allowing the warmth to destroy any disappointment or sadness they felt, instead leaving happiness and contentment in its path. A burning force, with an avenging nature that only left happiness and contentment as its destruction, was the nature of their warmth. Who wouldn’t be grateful to have something like that? Both were lost in their own, possibly sappy musings, all other thoughts forgotten, just happiness and contentment, as they held on to each other in those few minutes that they had, not a single word spoken, yet a million reaffirmations being made. Silent promises of a never ending forever, of eternal love and a promise of happiness despite bad fortune or breached plans; a true moment of joy.

A glorious moment, which was ruined, by a knock on the door and a voice that Kyuhyun was sure he going to be hating soon, as it caused Yesung to hastily remove himself, a little too excitedly, too greet that annoying offender that Kyuhyun just couldn’t bring himself to forgive. He was really going to give it a break, happy that he had not been a particular nuisance as of late, only for him to break up such a special moment. Oh Siwon hyung, why are you such an idiot? It was like the guy had the worst timing on earth. Kyuhyun didn’t even want to get started on Yesung. Did he really have to be excited when he heard his voice? He didn’t even look as if he would reprimand Siwon for basically entering uninvited and breaking up their moment. Kyuhyun was sure that these events were meant to be the payback for all his not so kind pranks. Maybe he had bad karma that was intent on making him suffer using his time with Yesung. It was a strong possibly. Kyuhyun really should endeavour to be nicer, but he knew it wouldn’t. He would just deal with Siwon like he always did.

“Hyung” Siwon called as he entered the room, the door already being pushed opened. Siwon was anxious to see Yesung before he left. Of recent he had been in China shooting his latest drama and he was missing the older man badly. He missed his weird hyung, who was always a comfort to him. It was also his birthday and he didn’t want to spend it without him, but with this crazy time zone thing, everything was messed up.

“Siwon ah! Come in” Yesung instructed happily, immediately getting off the couch the second he heard Siwon’s voice, so that he could greet him properly. He had badly missed his favourite dongsaeng. He wished he didn’t have to go to China, but knew that it was best for his career, so he would do the right thing and support him wholeheartedly. He would treasure these few moments he had with him, before he left once more. It was even worst that he wouldn’t be able to spend his birthday with him, or maybe he did? This time zone thing was weird. Putting that all out of his mind, he was just happy to see Siwon.

“Hyung you are leaving soon” Siwon said sadly as he stood in front of the smaller man, immediately holding onto his hands, so caught up in greeting his hyung that he had completely missed Kyuhyun’s presence in the room. It was perhaps for the best, as Kyuhyun was currently glaring daggers at him, and poor innocent Siwon may not have survived if he actually made eye contact with the now displeased maknae, who was biting down rather firmly on his jaw to prevent himself from screaming at his hyung to release Yesung’s hand immediately. Yeah. Kyuhyun was sure he was paying for his sins. “Like gravity, karma is so basic we often don't even notice it "[Sakyong Mipham] , whoever said that obviously did not have to watch a skinship addict attack his property in broad daylight and be bound by silence. Karma was currently speaking really loudly to Kyuhyun and he didn’t like what it was saying.

“Yeah, my flight is in a little bit….Don’t look like that Siwon ah! You knew I was leaving early. Forget about me and have a good time okay? Go sightseeing with the others and have fun. Enjoy this weird timezone birthday of yours. Do it for me” Yesung pleaded with a warm tender smiling, and soft eyes, as he pulled the much taller man into a one armed hug, especially after he saw Siwon looking at him with big sad eyes, so very childlike. He would never understand how someone as cool and charismatic as Siwon could be so childlike and sensitive. Siwon needed him to take care of him. He hoped that he was fine in China. Was he lonely? Was he sad? He would miss him so much.

 Siwon for his part was sad when he realized that Yesung would be leaving early for whatever reason, he wasn’t sure. He really wanted to spend as much time as he could with the older man. It had already been so long and he would be going back to China soon. He really should have been allowed to atleast spend his birthday with him. He was sad when he said he was leaving shortly, it was an even less time with him. He listened as he pleaded with him to have a good time. It was such a Yesung thing to do. He always thought he had to take care of him, to protect him, to comfort, when in fact Siwon thought it was the opposite. It was his job to protect his very special hyung. It was his job to take care of him. He held him even closer, when Yesung pulled him into a hug, wrapping his hands around him, pulling him close against him. He hoped his favourite hyung would always be happy, that he would be safe and protected always. He would miss him so much, was all Siwon could think about as he nearly suffocated the older man, who only relaxed in the embrace.

The nearly crushing Yesung aspect did not go unnoticed by the very watchful eyes of Kyuhyun who was apparently forgotten by both parties as he sat on the couch. He realized that Siwon had not greeted him as yet, which upset him for many reasons. Aside from the obvious disrespect, it had more to do with the fact that he was so focused on Yesung that he had completely missed Kyuhyun’s presence. Kyuhyun for his part thought it was miraculous to achieve such a feat. He was also not too thrilled that Yesung had given Siwon the opportunity to manhandle him. ’You do realize that he is just hugging him right?’ his mind informed. Kyuhyun would only point out, that a hug was what Yesung initiated, [also something that he shouldn’t have done, he swears that Yesung has some sneaky agenda to torture him for all those times he said mean things or . He did it so innocently just to add to the effect], what Siwon was doing was bordering on groping. He didn’t have to hold onto his so closely or have him pressed against him like a second skin. He had even nestled his large head into Yesung’s neck, which was ridiculous as to do that he would have to actually lean down a considerable distance. The idiot was risking a serious muscular strain, just to touch Kyuhyun’s property [ an expression only, as he was sure Yesung was no one’s property, not even his, though he hoped the man atleast thought of himself as his, just as Kyuhyun washis]. Kyuhyun realistically couldn’t let such an action go unanswered could he? He had to protect Yesung from certain death. He swears, it had nothing to do with getting Siwon off of him.

“Will you let go? You will suffocate him. Siwon hyung” Kyuhyun reprimanded, adding the honorific as an afterthought as he realized how harsh the words sounded to his ears, though not harsh enough to address the blatant offence. He stood up swiftly, approaching the two, hand on Siwon’s arms, prying him off Yesung, still glaring daggers, only intensifying when Siwon did not react, until Yesung pushed at his chest a little. Kyuhyun strongly believed that Siwon was lucky that Yesung had acted, as he honestly didn’t know what he would have done, if Siwon continued to hold on.

“Oh …hello Kyuhyun ah. I didn’t know you were here” Siwon finally greeted; when he finally released Yesung and pulled back to see the maknae glaring at him, not as covertly as he usually did it. Siwon wondered if he was there the whole time. He couldn’t remember seeing him come in, so he was probably there the whole time. He wondered how he missed him. It didn’t matter really, just like it didn’t matter that he was glaring at him. Siwon had come to realize that Kyuhyun was the possessive sort. He sort of knew he would be, but with Yesung it was amplified. Siwon choose not to respond to the glares as they honestly didn’t affect him and he didn’t want to hurt Yesung by arguing with the maknae. It was easier to just ignore him, as he was never outright hostile.

“I’m fine Kyu ah. He didn’t hurt me” Yesung assured  with a soft chuckle, from his position still in Siwon’s grasp, just not pressed against him, instead leaning a distance apart, with Siwon’s hand still on his back and his hand on the younger’s  chest from where he had pushed him back to have some breathing room.  He smiled fondly at Siwon, before turning his head to smile reassuringly at Kyuhyun, before he pushed himself further away from Siwon. Kyuhyun was horrified to realize that Yesung didn’t comprehend the dangerous position he had been in, chuckling as if Kyuhyun didn’t just save his life. ’That is a stretch, even for you’ his mind teased. He would only say that if Siwon held him any closer, Yesung would have been crushed. It was just unfortunate that Yesung didn’t feel the discomfort. Kyuhyun was only comforted by the fact that he was not entirely in Siwon’s grasp, though Siwon still kept a hand in a protective position on his dorsum.

“Hyung you better take care of yourself. I will miss you so much” Siwon spoke with a sad voice, eyeing the older man very tenderly, sadness masking his features. He sincerely hoped that Yesung would take care of himself whilst he was away.  He assured himself that atleast Kyuhyun was there to look after him. The maknae may be semi hostile these days, but Siwon knew he could trust him to take care of Yesung. Siwon was sure Kyuhyun loved the older man very much and as such was willing to trust him to take care of Yesung for the both of them. He was aware that Yesung was not a baby and hated them coddling him, but it was just a fact that he required such treatment. He thought about everyone but himself. He had asked Siwon about his would be cold and had not mentioned that his throat was not a 100 %. That was the kind of man his most precious hyung was. He hoped with all his heart that Kyuhyun looked after him properly.

“Not as much as I will miss you, Siwon ah. I should be the one saying that really. You will be all by yourself in China. I am counting on you to take care of yourself. I don’t want to hear that you are hurt in anyway. You hear me? Be careful Siwon ah.” Yesung demanded with the softest kindness voice Siwon was sure he had ever heard, a warm tender smile gracing his delicate features. He didn’t know why Siwon was worried about him. He was always fine. It was Siwon he should be worrying about. Siwon was all by himself, without any of the members or his family. He only had the manager to take care of him. He hoped that his dongsaeng did as he was told. He had better keep himself healthy and safe. He thanked God that atleast he didn’t have to worry about Siwon as much as Kyuhyun. Siwon was not as easily ill as Kyuhyun. Atleast Kyuhyun would be with him once more soon, but Siwon would be away much longer. He hoped he didn’t miss him too much.

Kyuhyun looked on at the tender scene and had to fist his hands until his nails dug painfully into his palms. It was so sweet, he felt like throwing up. He knew he should have ended it sooner, but he  also knew Yesung would be worried about Siwon. It was better to let him have these moments than it was to see him be sad or worried. Love was such a unique thing. No matter how much it annoyed him, Yesung’s happiness always came first. “Whoever loves becomes humble. Those who love have , so to speak , pawned a part of their narcissism.” [Sigmund Freud]. His feelings on a matter were no longer the sole guiding factor.

“I will hyung. I will call you all the time I promise! ” Siwon promised, with a warm smile, dimples showing proudly, looking like a child holding on to a parent. He was sorry that he had to leave, but just really happy to atleast have these few minutes.

“ You do that and I will call you all the time as well” Yesung responded with an equal tenderness, smiling blindingly at the taller man, whose hand was still placed on his back, Siwon just smiling even more at him. Kyuhyun was dying silently, unnoticed by either. He really couldn’t take anymore of this conversation. Yesung had gotten to say his goodbyes and Siwon had gotten to touch him inappropriately [ In Kyuhyun’s mind, anyone touching Yesung that was not him or an immediate family member, was doing so inappropriately. He barely tolerated the other members doing so, but with Siwon, it was always categorized as inappropriate], so all were happy. It was time to break up this little love fest.

“Siwon hyung, I think you are supposed to meet Eunhyukkie hyung and the film crew now. Maybe you should go meet them, before they have to wait on you” Kyuhyun suggested evenly, trying to hide the smirk that was begging to be released. He wanted Siwon to know exactly where he wanted him, but he couldn’t chance Yesung realizing that he was trying to get rid of Siwon. He supposed that Siwon knew his intention, judging by the look he was giving him, but there was nothing that Siwon would do anyway. He was in the same position as Kyuhyun. Neither could upset the oblivious older man and as such would never verbalize their intentions or throw light upon these little games that they play. Siwon seemed to shake his head in resignation, smiling at Yesung as he spoke.

“I have to go Hyung. Have a safe flight. I am going to miss you so much. Take care okay!” Siwon pleaded as he pulled Yesung into his arms for one last hug, holding the older man tightly in his arms, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to do so for some time. He knew Kyuhyun was being sneaky, but he was also aware that he had to meet them. In a way he could understand where Kyuhyun was coming from. He would do anything to have a few minutes with the older man, but sometimes he wished that Kyuhyun saw it from his perceptive once in a while. Kyuhyun was only going to be away from him for a couple of days. He would be away for quite some time and had been away for a long time. Such was life. Atleast he could appreciate that he had the man in his arms now.

“You too Siwon ah. Have a safe trip back to China. Happy Birthday! Always be happy okay” Yesung greeted, though his voice sounded slightly muffled as he was still pressed against Siwon’s chest. He would miss him, but appreciated these few minutes together.

Kyuhyun was glaring something fierce at Siwon, desperate for all these hugs to have an end. Siwon being away was a double edged sword. When he was away Kyuhyun could relax a little. He knew it was selfish and mean, but sometimes men were just selfish and mean .The also knew that it naturally led to Yesung missing the muscled man terribly, which he will not go into as it is going to cause him to rant like an idiot, which naturally led to the scenes he was forced to endure. He felt a lot better when Siwon finally released his hold on Yesung, smiling brightly at him, before he left, with a wave, Yesung reciprocating. It annoyed Kyuhyun that Yesung looked so sad, when he finally turned to look at him, but it also hurt his heart a little. He was sorry that he was sad, sorry that he would miss his favourite dongsaeng and just regretful that there was nothing that he could do for him. Well….nothing he could do about him missing Siwon, but he could comfort him now.

With that idea in mind, Kyuhyun took the few steps required to get closer to the older man and tugged on his arms gently, before he wrapped his arms around him pulling him against his chest, holding him protectively against him, arms resting on his back delicately, nestling him directly beneath his head. Yesung shrugged him off a bit and Kyuhyun was surprised. Did he do something wrong? He thought he looked sad. Did Yesung not want him to hold him? He felt panicked in that brief second. He was aware that intimacy was strained but he was always allowed to hug him, well once he was not in public or a populate place. Kyuhyun heart stilled, as he loosened the hold to allow the man to escape if that was what he wanted. His heart was in his mouth, when Yesung pulled back, but was able to breathe again, when the smaller man smiled brightly at him, eyes warm and affectionate.

“I have to leave soon” Yesung informed with a forced smile, voice even, eyes still looking at Kyuhyun affectionately, leaning his torso away from Kyuhyun instead bringing one hand to rest on Kyuhyun’s chest for balance. Kyuhyun felt like an idiot. The reason he was leaning away, was simply because he wanted to speak to Kyuhyun rather than discomfort. He would have been muffled entirely if he stayed in the position Kyuhyun had him in. ‘Seriously…you overreacted like the idiot that you are’ his mind confirmed. He felt stupid for thinking that and endless relief that he was dead wrong.

“I know” Kyuhyun affirms, looking down at the slightly shorter man was a sad smile and resigned eyes. He knew he wouldn’t have much time, but was happy that he got to spend the last few minutes he had, with Yesung atleast half way in his arms, the older man having escaped as he looked around the room for something, Kyuhyun though still kept a man on his back, to atleast have him that close.

“Have fun with the others and behave. Don’t be mean to them. Okay? Oh…don’t do anything evil or mischievous as you are calling it with Eunhyuk. Take care of him and make him buy you something good to eat. Make sure and have fun though. Take in all the sights.” Yesung requested, smiling at Kyuhyun as he made his gentle demands, sounding very much like a parent speaking to a child  they were leaving home alone for the weekend or a week at summer camp. Kyuhyun knew he should be annoyed, but couldn’t help finding it cute. It was the way he was listing it, so serious and dedicated. He was sure the older was only thinking about his wellbeing and for that reason, Kyuhyun couldn’t but feel special that he was the recipient of such tenderness, of such affection, of such love. It didn’t matter that he was being babied; all that mattered was that Yesung loved him enough to baby him.

“I am always well behaved” Kyuhyun snickers, laughing at his own statement, even harder when Yesung just snorted, quite clear that neither of them believed a word of that little assertion. Kyuhyun continued chuckling with Yesung joining him.

“I need to go check on a few things and meet the others” Yesung informed with a quick glance at his wristwatch. As much he would love to continue standing there with Kyuhyun, he really had to get going. He still had to check on his family and all the other arrangements to ensure they all caught their flight and all that other things. He was sorry to leave, but it was only a day anyway. Kyuhyun would be with him in Korea soon and then they would have more time together.

“Okay” Kyuhyun acknowledged, with a sad smile. He wanted to hold on to him and not let go, but it didn’t work like that. Yesung had to leave and he had to be mature about that. ‘Would you stop behaving like he is going to the army? It’s just a day. You are so dramatic’ his mind criticized. He could accept that his mind had merits in its arguments. It was just a day and he was acting like it was the army, which his mind was in breach of their agreement by even mentioning. It was just a day. He could survive a day. He will let him go with a smile.

“Be good. Get some sleep and take care of yourself. I will see you in Korea soon” Yesung promised as he reaching up to place his hands on his cheeks tenderly, smile affectionate and sweet, eyes gentle and clouded with adoration. Kyuhyun smiled at him truly, bright and encouraging, nodding his head at each word spoken to him, silently assuring that he would do as he was asked and informing that Yesung did not have to worry. With every shake of the head, Yesung’s smile got brighter, until they were both just looking at each other, with dorky embarrassing smiles. Kyuhyun even more so, as he soaked up that precious warmth emitting from those tiny fingers, saddened when Yesung removed them from his face. Unable to let that persist, Kyuhyun immediately reached for his favourite prisoner, instantly returning it to its eternal confinement.

“Don’t miss me too much Hyung. I don’t want to come home and have Wookie telling stories of you crying for me in your sleep. That would be embarrassing. I know it would be hard, but you can do it” Kyuhyun teased, accompanied with a cheeky grin and bright playful eyes. Even if it was one day, Kyuhyun was sad and just didn’t know what to say. He did the only thing he was good at in their pseudo relationship, which was teasing the older man. He just hoped he was much better at dealing with the longing. It would really be embarrassing if he was the one that actually said his name when he slept, but that wouldn’t actually happen as he didn’t talk in his sleep. He would be fine. He would be with him soon anyway.

“You have a rather active imagination clearly” Yesung rejoined, accompanied with a roll of his eyes and a dismissive laugh, smacking Kyuhyun for his outright exercise in excessive arrogance, eventually smiling warmly at the younger, arrogant man standing before him, chuckling at his reaction. Kyuhyun continued to chuckle at Yesung’s comment as he felt the man dislodge his hand from his and proceeded to wrap his small arms around him, holding him close in a tight hug, his head resting against Kyuhyun’s chest. Kyuhyun responded in kind, trying to soak up as much warmth as possible and drown in that coffee/cinnamon aroma whilst it was possible to do so.

Yesung would soon thereafter pull back, the hug not intended to lead to them clinging to each other, which it was quickly becoming. He was well aware that he was getting late and had to go meet the others. They were being ridiculously dramatic. He hated to think about how they would behave when he went to the army. Actually he hated to think about that in any regard, so it was best he dropped that line of thought instantly. Instead using that energy to smile brightly at the taller man, whose hand was still attached to him. Kyuhyun smiled at him just as fondly, before speaking.

“Have a safe flight” Kyuhyun wished with a bright smile. The time for sadness and disappoint and the likes were long gone. He just wanted the person he loved to have a safe comfortable flight and was just happy he had these few moments with him. It was time to look to the future, to appreciate the warm feelings tingling his insides and see him off with a warm bright smile. "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched... but are felt in the heart [Helen Keller]. Kyuhyun would say that he actually could see one of the most beautiful things, namely a shy smile from the person he loved, but he supposed the point was that whilst the smile would be away, the love in his heart would persist and that was truly the most beautiful thing.

“I will” Yesung agreed with another warm smile, before he pulled out of Kyuhyun’s hold entirely. He would proceed to search the room for all his belongings, grabbing his shoulder bag, his phone, his keys, and all those other small things he had left scattered around, pushing them into his bag, ensuring that it was all securely in place. He would then take one last look around the room to ensure he didn’t leave anything lying around, before pulling his beanie hat onto his head, and pulled on his moss coloured jacket, finally turning back to smile at the man that was probably observing him, he wasn’t sure. He stretched his hand out for Kyuhyun to take as he was ready to leave the room. Kyuhyun did not hesitate, taking it instantly, both walking out the room, with Kyuhyun shutting the door. They silently walked to the elevator, with Yesung smiling at him one last time, squeezing his hand, before he got on. With one last smile and a cute wave he looked at Kyuhyun till the door closed. Yesung would go to the lower floor to meet the manager and Ryeowook and Shindong and then proceed to their last minute activities and then leave.

Kyuhyun returned to his room and took up a seat on a couch that was a lot identical to the one he was brooding on an hour ago. It was amazing how perspectives change though. Then he was so focused on what they didn’t have, what they couldn’t do that he had forgotten about what was really important. Paris, may be City of Love, but if you didn’t have someone to love with was just another city build with mortar and bricks, of shaped metal and unnatural glass, a city build to fuel the vanities of the aristocrat and traps of would be intellectuals. At the end of the day it was just a city; a beautiful city but still just a bustling city. It became the City of Love due to what you associate with it. It was a pillar of love, because people felt love, not because it created love. Whether he was sitting at home hidden in their tiny dorm room, on a small sometimes uncomfortable bed or taking a walk along the banks of the Seine, surrounding by lush trees and a breathtaking view of the Riviera, the warmth he felt would always be the same. All that mattered at the end of the day was that Yesung was willing to hold on to his fingers , to hold his hand, to share his warmth.

 He wouldn’t deny that a part of him still felt disappointed that they didn’t utilize Paris to its full potential. That was the point exactly. Paris was an opportunity, that sadly due to circumstances beyond their control; they could not take advantage of. The city did not define their feelings or the love that they felt, it was just a pretty place that would heighten the sensations that they felt. At the end of the day, the only defining factor was what they actually felt.  The love in their hearts wouldn’t be more or less because they saw pretty flowers; it would be what they made of it. “The greatest of all gifts is the power to estimate things at their true worth” [François de la Rochefoucauld]. In this case the true value was the reaffirmation of their love and appreciation.

He was able to sit on a chair very similar to the one he currently occupied and hold the hands of the man that he loved with all his heart. He was able to relish in his care, his affection, his love. He was the recipient of his sweet words, shy smiles and warm caresses. He was the person he was willing to give his heart, his trust, his future. That was the true value of life, of his life. Paris is magnificent but having Yesung’s love was so much more fulfilling. If he had an amazing day in Paris, but came home without the man or his love, he would have been defeated. The true magnificent was the love, not the city. He was reminded of a special saying he had heard a long time ago.  Never get so fascinated by the extraordinary that you forget the ordinary [Magdalen Nabb]. He thinks he finally understood what it meant. Paris was extraordinary, but the ordinary day to day love he had, experienced, made everywhere a pillar of love, once that love persisted, truly, everlasting. All the little things, life was always in the little things.

Kyuhyun couldn’t wait to enjoy his time in Paris. He would have a good time and he would happily return home with amazing stories to tell the man that was waiting on him. That thought gave him infinite joy. The fact that someone was waiting for him at home, waiting to hear his stories, waiting for him to tease, to play with, to love.  The next time they were in Paris they would do incredibly romantic cheesy things or they would sit in a hotel room, squishing each other’s cheeks or just sit on a nice couch and feel the love and warmth radiate of each other. Either way it would be perfect, always perfection once Yesung was the one doing it with him. Kyuhyun smiled blindingly then. It was heaven.

 The mind is its own place, and in itself

Can make a heaven of Hell, a hell of Heaven.

JOHN MILTON, Paradise Lost

A/N:I don’t even know what to say about this story. It was meant to be light-hearted fluff and turned into this. You have my apologies. It is pretty obvious that my theme for this story was quotes. I do recognize that Kyuhyun may not be that well read, but is fortunate that his author is …lol..I am not that well read. They just happen to be some of my favourite quotes or applicable ones. I hope they can give you inspiration or atleast give you something to think about. This was based on the cited links, and pictures, all credited as cited, to kkoming for the gifs..

There will only be one more installation before I go on hiatus.I don’t know if it will be a full hiatus as I may feel so much Exam stress, that I feel compelled to write.I am not sure when I will be back or if I will be back. I do have interesting things planned in my mind but at this point we will have to wait and see. It has been a true pleasure. Don’t worry, it’s not goodbye…. yet….Cheers :)

http://allspecialsmile.tumblr.com/post/20673871110/kyusung-moments-at-ss4-paris

http://kkoming.tumblr.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=kxVS3IPCl9Y

Kyusung Day on the 13^th!! ♥♥

Comment if you care to..I am over pleading for them......Always a Pleasure!

Cute Yesungie!!

For you Yewon shippers or Siwonest..yayy!! Siwonest...I missed Siwonnie