And so Youngsaeng turns away. He stops looking at Jungmin, pretends that he’s not there and hums to block out his laughter. It’s childish and stupid, but he can’t carry on like this more. Jungmin never laughs like that for him. It’s always Hyunjoong that he snickers for, always Hyunjoong who is gifted with that y smirk.

He knows that this shouldn’t affect his relationship with the leader, but it does. He can’t help it. If he talked to Hyunjoong, all that would come out of his mouth would be crazed sounding accusations about how he stole Jungmin. It’s painfully pathetic, he knows that – but it doesn’t stop him avoiding Hyunjoong like the plague and sticking with Kyujong. Kyujong doesn’t quite understand what he feels for Jungmin, but he can sense the jealousy and the tension, so he never questions it.

Hyungjun, Baby, Jungmin’s best friend and their hardworking maknae stares at him. He’s far more observant than anyone has any right to be, and he knows exactly what Youngsaeng is thinking. He knows because he’s seen the same scene over and over, watched as Youngsaeng’s face crumples, and the usually chubby cheeks are deflated. He’d like to tell him that Jungmin means nothing by it, that Hyunjoong doesn’t either, but he knows that won’t help Saengie. That’s not what he wants to hear. He wants to hear that Jungmin loves him. And unfortunately, Hyungjun cannot promise that.

Nobody really knows what Jungmin wants, least of all himself.

Hyungjun thinks that Jungmin’s always been like this, but lately his best friend seems to have been driving Youngsaeng further into this depression. Maybe it’s the fact that after this album, they’re planning to go solo. They won’t be forced together, and Youngsaeng will see even less of Jungmin than he does right now.

***

Youngsaeng sighs. He’s hungry, tired and he wants to go home. Filming for their music video went on longer than it was supposed to, and while Jungmin tried to lighten things up by playing around with his cape like the idiot he is, that only made it worse. He’s pretty sure that Jungmin is as oblivious as ever, and didn’t hear the crack of Youngsaeng’s heart when he and Hyunjoong made plans to eat. They didn’t mean to leave Youngsaeng out – he knows that. It was just that they had schedules that aligned with each other, and Youngsaeng’s didn’t. Asking him out to eat would have just clashed with a TV appearance he had to make.

He sighs again, staring at his bare apartment. He’s pretty sure there’s no food to be had in the house, and he could call Kyujong to go get food with him, but he knows that Kyujong is as exhausted – if not more so – than him. Hyungjun and his brother, Kibum, are visiting their mother. He is alone, as usual. He could call some of his friends outside of the band, but he’s not sure if they’re free, and besides, he can’t face pretending to be okay.

He wonders when he started feeling like this for Jungmin, and why. He has never been able to wrap his head around how he allowed this to happen. They had never been particularly close; he was quiet and fairly laidback – Jungmin was outgoing to hide how insecure he was inside. Maybe that’s why he likes him so damn much. Jungmin dares to be loud and stupid and funny. It’s y and it’s amusing, and something Youngsaeng wishes he could be.

But he can’t.

He remembers the first time he looked at Jungmin in a more appreciative way. It was after filming Romantic Sky – the cameras were off, and Jungmin was sleepy. He had laid his head on Youngsaeng’s shoulder in the car, mumbling about being hungry and how comfy he was here. Youngsaeng had chanced a look at the younger member, eyes shut tight and his hair falling out of its hair-sprayed heights. He looked strangely attractive, even though by all rights he should have looked messy and grubby.

It was the smile that had started it, though. Jungmin’s eyes had snapped open, and with a laugh, his lips had curved into his cat-like smile. The fans called him horse; Youngsaeng had always been of the opinion he looked more like a cat. “Sorry, hyung. Want me to move?” He looked even drowsier than before, if that was possible.

Youngsaeng had blinked, looking up.  Hyungjun had mouthed for him to keep Jungmin, not wanting to be the one who Jungmin inevitably fell asleep on. Being the nice hyung he was, he rolled his eyes and cleared his throat. “It’s okay. You don’t have to move.”

And then Jungmin had smiled again, and Youngsaeng’s heart had made a strange hiccupping movement because it really was quite a lovely smile.

***

It didn’t take long for everything to spiral out of control. Soon, he began to notice the smile everywhere. If Jungmin wasn’t smiling, then something was wrong. What hurt though, was that it always seemed to be either Hyungjun or Hyunjoong who put that smile on his face.

Hyungjun was different. He had never been jealous of him – it was hard to be jealous of him; he was too funny – because his relationship with Jungmin was so obviously platonic. When they started laughing uproariously together like a pair of schoolboys, it was because they’d seen something silly, or they were reliving past moments together. When Hyungjun and Jungmin touched, it was to hit each other roughly, or fall asleep like toddlers.

With Hyunjoong, it was different – Youngsaeng would know, from the amount of times he’d watched them together. Jungmin’s laugh turned sultry, and he thought nothing of sitting in their leader’s lap. He never did such things with Youngsaeng. He never even looked at him that way. Youngsaeng had caught him staring at Hyunjoong’s once, and suddenly it had clicked.

Jungmin wanted Hyunjoong in much the same way that Youngsaeng wanted him.

***

When the album is finally finished, and the music video for Love Ya touched up and ready to be released, something breaks. There is a stillness to the air. They all know that everything is going to change, that the comforting regularity of being SS501 will no longer be around anymore. They’ve promised that they will always be together as one – the fans would have nothing else – and they mean it, but it won’t be the same.

The promotions for Love Ya are therefore even more tense than usual. They have to be the best. They must sing their hearts out and give it their all. Jungmin has already come up with song lyrics and melodies for his solo album, and Hyungjun will be right behind him. Hyunjoong’s thinking about it too; Youngsaeng has heard him murmuring about it with Kyujong once or twice.

He is just trying to push himself through these album promotions first. He’s had a few thoughts about being solo, but nothing solid, so he shoved them to the back of his mind. It was better to focus on learning the dance to Love Ya and his lines. It was easier to try to perfect that than think of solo activities.

They are all more stressed than usual. Snapping at one another is common, but they try not to. It’s their last chance to be together as a five for a while. Who knows when they will come together like this again? They could be like SHINHWA, who have not come back together for years. They are all shattered and drained. Jungmin has huge under-eye circles, and Youngsaeng wants nothing more than to smooth them away and to sooth him to sleep.

Of course, he can’t. Jungmin has rarely ever shared a bed with him.

As they get up onstage for the last ever performance, he takes a deep breath and stares out at sea of fans. They wave banners with their names on, pictures of him and the rest of his bandmates and they are all screaming for them to sing. He feels regret, for this. He does like all of his bandmates, even if the jealousy he feels about Jungmin has extended to all of them at one point or another.

As Hyungjun steps out of the dance to start the song, he catches Jungmin’s eye. The other man tries to give him a smile, and Youngsaeng heart flutters just a little. But soon Jungmin has sung his line and now it is Youngsaeng. He wonders who conspired to put their lines together. He’s not sure whether or not to be thankful for this.

It’s a cycle. Jungmin-Youngsaeng-Jungmin-Youngsaeng. He doesn’t register the other’s singing. He can only see Jungmin, and the way his forehead crinkles when he sings. He loves Jungmin’s voice; that husky bass that compliments his baritone so well.

He can’t help but think he’d rather they sang together. He wishes they could meld their voices into some sort of duet. He wants so desperately to be Jungmin and Youngsaeng that he will cling to anything that brings them closer together.

***

He is shocked when he hears that Jungmin has been brought to hospital after fainting from fatigue. He feels guilt and worry and a hundred other things; he wishes he had known what Jungmin was doing so he could have stopped him. When Kyujong calls him with the news, he even cries. It hurts to think that he was one of the last to know, that no one thought to tell him. He knows that Kyujong and Jungmin are close from when they presented Young Street, but it doesn’t help.

It feels as though he cares far more about Jungmin than Jungmin could ever care about him. When he visits him after he has been hospitalised, he berates him for not taking care of himself. He can hear his voice getting higher and higher and he wonders if Jungmin can tell how scared he was.

“Saengie, I’m okay. Really.” Jungmin laughs, pushing a hand through his dark hair. “I know I overworked myself a bit-“ Youngsaeng makes an indecipherable spluttering noise at this and is about to interject. Jungmin simply ignores him and carries on. “But it’s my first solo album! It’s got to be the best, you know it has.”

Youngsaeng shrugs, hands trembling a bit. He hopes Jungmin does not see. “It’s not worth your health, you idiot.”

Jungmin’s brow furrows, and Youngsaeng knows the question ‘Why do you care so much?’ is on the tip of his tongue. Jungmin doesn’t say it, as that would be rude and rather silly, as this is a man he has known for years now – why shouldn’t he care? But there is something different about Youngsaeng’s concern, and he knows it.

So instead he does not push it, and moves the conversation onto other things. Youngsaeng has to quash any thoughts of telling him he loves him, because now really isn’t the time (and he is far too scared of rejection to ever tell).

***

It is late January when Jungmin’s solo album comes out. Youngsaeng tries to be among the first to congratulate him, but when he hears Hyunjoong got there first, the jealousy surfaces again. It’s different to before. Back when they weren’t concentrating on solo activities, he saw them interact all the time. He had built defences. But now, when he doesn’t have to see it, he can pretend that Jungmin and Hyunjoong are not close – reminders such as this jar with that delusion.

But still, he is proud of Jungmin. He looks beautiful (especially to his biased eyes) in his music video, and the song was catchy. He found the title ironic; Not Alone. Oh, what Youngsaeng would give for that to be true. He knew Jungmin hadn’t meant it like that deliberately at all. As usual, he was reading into things too much.

He watches all of Jungmin’s live performances. When he can’t make it home in time, he records them on his and Kyujong’s shared TV. Kyujong doesn’t say anything because he wants to see the performances too, and instead smiles half-heartedly at Youngsaeng when they come on. He doesn’t know what do, because this thing for Jungmin has gone on so long he doesn’t think Youngsaeng would function without it.

***

Hyungjun and Hyunjoong debut next, and soon it is Youngsaeng’s turn. He and Kyujong have signed to the same company. Neither wanted to be alone, and both are too quiet to throw themselves out there. It’s comforting to have Kyujong with him. They support each other through the difficult training and it eases them into being alone.

He has spent months on his debut song with the producers and composers and lyric-writers. He has filmed the music video, even had Hyuna (who he learns is a very sweet girl underneath her ‘y’ image) do the rap for him.

He feels the same sort of irony for his own song title as he did for Jungmin’s – Let It Go. Well, he hasn’t really let anything go, has he? He still pines for Jungmin. Most days he thinks about what he’s doing and if he’s okay. He watches him on TV shows more than is strictly healthy.

Still, he enjoys performing again. He is proud of himself. He has worked hard on the song, and he sings live most performances. He has fans that cheer his name and declare themselves to only love him. He is Heo Youngsaeng: solo singer with a career of his own. He is still defined by SS501 and everything they have done, but this is different. This is all just for him and he relishes the performances.

He gets calls from the rest of the members, bubbly, cheerful messages. He waits for the one he really wants impatiently. Jungmin calls last, apologising for taking so long. He tells him that he looked wonderful and the song’s great. But what really gets Youngsaeng going is when he asks if they can meet up. As friends – chat over some coffee, ask how life has been treating the other. Jungmin says he’ll pay with a deep chuckle and Youngsaeng can feel himself nodding on autopilot before remembering Jungmin can’t see him.

***

They meet up two days later. Jungmin’s face splits into a wide smile and they share a hug. Youngsaeng orders coffee and sits down expectantly, waiting for Jungmin to talk. He hears all about Jungmin’s family and what he’s been up to, and duly responds with his own actions these past months. They joke about the writing of their songs and the fans, and somehow Youngsaeng finds himself asking what inspired Not Alone. He’s curious – it’s a bit more emotional than he expected.

Jungmin’s lips are forced into an uneven smile. “Ah, hyung…you thought it was real life?”

Youngsaeng thinks for a minute. He wants to say no, because Jungmin seems uneasy with the question, but he can’t. “Yes.” He says simply.

“You always were a little more perceptive than people gave you credit for.” Jungmin tells him softly. Youngsaeng wants to tell him it’s only when it concerns Jungmin’s own feelings. “Do you know what it’s like to want someone desperately, but know you’ll never get them?” Jungmin shrugs nervously. “Well, that’s what I’ve been feeling for a while. So I used Not Alone as a way to make me feel like my life…wasn’t like that. If you get what I mean.”

Youngsaeng finds it hard to let the words escape his mouth. He wants to cry. He knows those feelings exactly. He has felt them for years now. They consume his entire life. All he does is nod, however. Even after all this time, he is still too scared to tell Jungmin how he feels.

“Did you guess who it was, hyung?” Jungmin’s usual grin is nowhere to be seen. He is hunched in on himself, embarrassed and miserable at the same time. “I’d be surprised if you didn’t. I’m so damn obvious.”

For a moment, Youngsaeng entertains a brief fantasy of it being him. The words coming out of Jungmin’s mouth sound like what he would say, if he could speak of what he feels for Jungmin. But then he allows his mind to wander, back through the years they have spent together. His mind rests on one person above all others, and his heart truly breaks as realises he is correct. “…Hyunjoong.” He says finally, looking down and hoping Jungmin does not see his crushed expression.

Jungmin swallows sadly. “Yeah.”

“For how long?” Youngsaeng hears himself asking.

“Since debut.” Jungmin almost whispers. Youngsaeng’s broken heart is surprised. So longer than he has loved Jungmin. He never even had a ing chance.

“I’m sorry.” Youngsaeng knows he isn’t just saying it for Jungmin. He’s saying it for himself, because he can see himself in Jungmin’s words, and he knows Jungmin feels exactly the same way he does. Just not about him.

“It’s not your fault.” Jungmin twists a napkin between his fingers nervously. “It’s stupid, anyway. Hyunjoong-hyung has always liked girls, and it’s not like I could even come out. It would be professional suicide. I’ve never even been able to talk about it because the rest of you were all straight.” Youngsaeng almost chokes. If only he knew.

He can’t stand hearing his own thoughts come out of the Jungmin’s lips. It’s just reiterating the fact that he never had, and never will have a chance with him. He has been blaming Hyunjoong all this time for nothing. He was never trying to take Jungmin away from him; it was merely Jungmin trying to show the man he loved that he was here. It hurts even more to think that Jungmin is perhaps braver than he; Jungmin had the courage to get close to the object of his affections, while Youngsaeng only ever watched from the sidelines.

There’s nothing more to say. Jungmin still has no clue of his feelings, and Youngsaeng can’t quite articulate any sort of coherent thought about it. He just nods, and hesitantly, shakily puts his hand on Jungmin’s. “You’re not alone.” Is all he can say, even as Jungmin’s mouth quirks up into a half-hearted smirk at the bad pun.

But he means it. He means it in so many ways. It’s not just a joke to him; he understands Jungmin’s feelings perfectly, and he knows that it means he’s got to move on. He has to relinquish these feelings and try to function without this obsession. Jungmin will never be his and he should have realised this a long time ago. It feels masochistic, but he can’t help the question. “Have you ever told him…what you feel?”

Jungmin blinks. “Never.” Youngsaeng can almost hear the silent ‘And I never will’. He wants to laugh at how similar they are underneath it all.

Youngsaeng pauses for a second, glancing down at his cup of coffee. He thinks of all the different things he has felt for Jungmin – the hurt, the lust, the anguish, and most of all, the love. He’s got to let them go now. And if he says the phrase he is thinking, it will be a step forward. A part of him doesn’t want to, but he’s tired of the hurting. It’s really time to let it go, like the words he has been singing over and over for weeks.

“Maybe you should.” It might not be the best advice – he doesn’t even know if Hyunjoong likes Jungmin in that way at all (even if he silently thinks he’s stupid for not reciprocating Jungmin’s feelings). But if he does…Jungmin will be happy. And one of his favourite things about Jungmin is his smile.

It still hurts, however.