*to inspire your hearts: Can You smile?

     I was running late that day.

Key’s party lasted more than I thought it would so I got home late and overslept. It’s been years since I went to a party and stuck around until that late.

         I parked the car almost one block away from my psychiatry office – the traffic was just like hell today. Does God want to punish me for last night? I giggled at my silliness and started to jog among the crowd and that was when I spotted her. She was standing like 40 feet away from me. It was the first time I saw her in four years and she hadn’t change a bit. Her caramel hair was longer and trailed its way down her back softly. Her paled-white skin seemed as soft as it used to be when I last touch it and was just marvelous at sight. The last time I saw her… She wasn’t smiling like that. Actually, when she was with me she didn’t smile like that. Never, she never smiled like that…

 **

         “Jinki Oppa! Wait! We can solve this!” Dae Su ran after me and grabbed me tightly by the wrist, causing me to stand there unmoving. I felt one of tears hit my hand and that almost made me wince at my first resolution.

         “Dae Su let me go. I can’t stand to be near you anymore!” Having to yank her hands off my wrist hurt more than any burn or cut or injury I might have ever suffered but it was necessary.

         “You don’t mean it Oppa! I know you don’t!”

         “What the hell do you know? You know nothing! You are just a cry baby who every one featherbeds, who doesn’t know how to survive on its own! You have to grow up so that you can even deserve any kind of human being!” I saw her hand coming towards my face and prevent myself from moving. I let her slap me that once because she had the right - I was acting like a jerk. I could see her weak knees trembling, I was sure she would gave into the tremble and hit the floor but I walked away, pretending I didn’t wanted to know. And yes it killed me completely. I lost myself after hurting her that badly. But it was necessary…

**

         And can you smile? Niga Wonhajanha, niga barajanha;

         My phone rang and I dropped my suitcase, completely startled by the ringtone - I didn’t remember changing it so it must have been Key.

         “What do you think about the new ringtone?” So it was really him huh?

         “Why the hell did you change it?” I started to walk again, worried about my delay to work.

         “You had that stupid beep and it was annoying so I just figured that it wouldn’t hurt changing it for you!” Oh this nagging boy!

         “Yeah, but – “Someone bump with me and my phone slipped off my hands landing on the floor. As I lowered to pick it up I realized who the person was – Hwang Dae Su.

         “Oppa…” Her voice… It was sweet and innocent. She didn’t change a bit.

         “I’ll call later Key!” I hang up and just stared at her.

         “It’s been a while… Jinki Oppa.”

         “Oh, yeah… How have you been?” I could see that minor almost shy and sad smile plastered in her face and that was like a stab on the heart again – it was just a polite smile like always.

         “Ok, I guess. And you Oppa?” Oppa… I looked up at my psychiatric window office and just smiled widely at her.

         “Pretty good. I’m a doctor now. Psychiatrist, actually.”

         “Oh, keurae? That’s good then Oppa.” I nodded and stared at her more. That innocent girl was now taller, wore heels and long dresses. She was much more elegant than when I first met her but she still had the same innocent eyes I had fallen in love with.

A good looking guy approached us and pecked her on the cheek. Her flush was slightly but I still noticed it. I bowed respectfully to him and he did the same placing his arm over Dae Su’s shoulder more possessively than protectively.

         “Who is this honey?”

         “Oh, Jeongmin, this is an old friend, Lee Jinki.” Friend? So she never told him about me, huh? “This is my fiancée, Jeongmin.” Remember the stab on the heart? Well, now this was more like something ripping it apart.

         “Oh, hello.” I held out my hand to him and he grabbed it. “So are you good to her?” Jeongmin didn’t seem surprised by my question at all. He smiled widely and pinched one of her cheeks.

         “I try but I can’t bring myself not to pinch these chubby cheeks once in a while.”

         “Jeongmin-ah, stop it!” She smiled widely while hit him on the arm. I could sense her constraint but he didn’t – he thought she was just embarrassed.

         “I hope you two will be very happy.” I smiled as much as I could and then bowed slightly. “I’m a bit late for work so I better go. It was nice to see you again Dae Su-ah. Take care, ok?” She nodded and I saw her shiny, watery eyes but I didn’t say anything – I kept walking and made every effort not to turn around and wipe her tears out. That would only her hurt more…

*~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~

         And can you smile? Niga Wonhajanha, niga barajanha;

         I looked at my phone and saw and saw an unknown ID calling. Strange…

         “Hello?”

         “You haven’t changed your cell number yet Oppa?” I gulped when I recognized her voice. I got up and loosen my tie – it was getting hard to breath. “I was just wondering if you… Just forget it Jinki Oppa, this was just stupid, I’m sorry calling you and disturbing you –“

         “You didn’t. You didn’t disturb me at all, please just continue.”

         “I was wondering if you want to dinner tonight. To catch up.” I prayed my mouth would say ‘no’ and even made a vow to stitch it up if any other sound came out of it.

         “Hum… Sure.” JINKI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? “We’ll meet at 7PM?”

         “In our old restaurant?” Our…

         “Yeah, it sounds great.”

         “Great. See you then.” And a beep replaced her nervous voice. For the rest of the day I was excited and feeling stupid about everything. An effort of so many years wasted in one night. Great job Jinki, just great.

*~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~

         That was the best/frightful night ever.

Our chat didn’t take any effort and we did have some pleasant time spent together but somehow I felt even more hurt by being with her. Dae Su still didn’t smile to me you know? She would politely smile or shyly smile but she never smiled in that explosive way, widely of so blissful she felt. And I saw that today, when she was with Jeongmin. That guy manages to do what I never was able to do.

         “Jinki Oppa, don’t you have a girlfriend?” We were walking in the park by now admiring the moon and stars. The sky today was lightened up by the stars.

         “Oppa doesn’t date Dae Su-ah. Oppa is too busy working to make a living…”

         “Andwae! You should date, it’s healthy!”

         “You want me to date? Seriously?” She stopped on her tracks for a bit and I kept walking, pretending, again, I didn’t saw it. She caught up with me and liked arms with me. It felt so naturally it almost made me quiver but I just took her arm off softly.  “You shouldn’t…”

         “Why? I’m just an annoying brat right? Someone who has everything effortlessly and that everyone featherbeds! If I am just that to you why can’t I link arms with you? Just as old friends…” The watery eyes were there again and now they burned me more than ever before.

         “Because I can’t effort to give you hope. You have a fiancée and a future. I won’t allow you to waste it all because of some connection you think you might still have with me.”

         “You won’t be giving any kind of hope Oppa since I already know how this is going to end. I know I’m just a silly girl, someone you’ll never see as a woman but as a little baby. I know it all so this won’t raise my hopes.” She hugged me. For the first time she hugged tightly. It felt right to have her there but I just couldn’t – I could never lose that smile again. The smile that once made got my off bed and made me go to school every single day; The same smile that made me study hard and figure out what I wanted to do with my life; The smile that stood behind every choice of my life that built me as a person – the person I am now. And this person learned how to live without that marvelous smile.

         “But it would raise mine and I can’t effort that” I placed a soft kiss on her forehead and hugged her. I could feel her sobbing and clanging onto my jacket but that won’t do this time. “Oppa has to go.” Once again, her hand flew and she tried to slap me but I grabbed it and placed it above my heart. Then she started to hit me hard all over the chest.

I can’t say it didn’t hurt – hell to that – but at least I could feel her anger decrease at every single punch.

         “I still love you Oppa…” She sobbed over and over. I hugged her again and waited for her to fall asleep – she was tired from crying - so I could drop her at home. Her mom still remembered me and was more than surprised to see me at her doorstep with her daughter in my arms.

I laid her in her bed, in her old room. That was another thing that didn’t change a bit either – it was still yellow and purple and our picture was still in her mirror.

I gave her another kiss on the forehead and whispered softly ‘I love you too’ before storming off to my old life – the one I had before I ran again into my dearest thing on Earth, Dae Su’s smile.

~The End ~