A year had gone too fast. 

 

I'm busy with my solo promotions.

 

I'm done doing dramas and movies.

 

My life has nothing but my career... my solo career.

 

I'll sleep... I'll wake up... I'll run from fans... I'll have pictorials... I'll have recordings...

 

because it was my solo career.

 

Did you ever feel the feeling of being alone? Of not having someone you can talk to at night after your schedules? Of not having a companion while you eat at a spacious room? Of not having someone you can lean on when your legs were shaking? Of not having someone you can share your victory with? Of not having someone you can cry on after your fans bashed you? of not having someone that you love on your side and assures you that he loves you more?

 

I was being dramatic... or too dramatic... I know but it was what I'm feeling for the past months. I'm fighting against myself but when I try harder to fight the sadness... the more pain I get.

 

A few years ago... I'm happy. And it was the happiest stage in my life.

 

I lived in a 4 cornered room. I'm sleeping in a bed and when I open my eyes, I would see a face I'm living with in years. I got used to it. And I want to be with that face badly again.

 

I grew up alone... don't have a sister nor a brother. I never cherished other people aside from my parents.

 

I know you would all say, "I pity you Hangeng..." "I'm sad for you Hangeng..." but to sum it all up, I don't need those.

 

I remember a guesting I did once where the staff had surprise me. I saw Siwon on the back, singing a song for me. I was happy for seeing him. I was happy that he visited me. But I guess, the happiness had gone so fast. Siwon was the only one I have those moments. Siwon was the only one I can hug... and I to whom I can express how happy I am. Where in the past, it takes 30 minutes before I can finish hugging each of them.

 

This is Hangeng. This is a post made by Hangeng. And this was Hangeng's feelings that you were reading right now.

 

I used to perform with 14 boys...

I entered a group once...

And at those exact times, people LOVED me.

 

While I was performing with a mask on my face...

I thought of backing out and flew back here in China.

But ELFs gave me strength...

The guys expressed their supports...

And I stayed...

 

Yes, I continued being a singer now.

I pursued a solo career.

 

 

But being part of Asia's largest boy group...

Having the chance to sing with 14 boys behind and beside you...

was a dream come true.

It was a miracle made in heaven.

And I'm honored being with them.

 

Many people say I shouldn't stay with them...

I shouldn't continue being part of the group...

That I was destroying Korea's cultures and traditions...

My nationality was being offended and questioned so many times...

 

But I stayed.

Because I love the people who were supporting me...

Because I love those Koreans who keeps on chanting my name...

Because the members trusted me...

Because fate gave me this oppurtunity...

 

But after I got problems with my agency...

I thought of it a hundred times if I should continue or stop...

 

Don't you know that my singing abilities were often questioned?

My dancing skills were perfectly noticed and praised...

But I am a singer... I'm not just a dancer...

 

I was often discriminated because of how I speak Koean words...

They said they are far from the real pronounciation?

Then, I'll ask you...

Have you ever tried speaking my language in a straight way?

Or even Nichkhun's home language?

Isn't the fact that I was trying to speak your language in all my might was a good deed?

 

Do you still don't know how I'm feel living with discriminations and questions?

 

After I left, my ear felt numb because of stories that came out.

I haven't speak to it straightly.

I didn't even talk with the members.

Because I'm tired of everything.

The agency...

The questions...

The discriminations...

The fact that I am a Chinese and I joined a Korean group...

 

But not because I left... I took everything with me.

I left my friends...

I left my peace...

I left my dream..

I left a miracle...

I left my heart.

 

I stopped promoting as a Super Junior member...

I stopped being an SM Entertainment artist...

I stopped being the leader of Super Junior-M..

I stopped doing Super Show...

I stopped being Hankyung.

 

I built my own name...

my own reputation...

my own career...

I started being Hangeng for my country.

 

But hey... I got something to say.

 

I heard someone was hard as hell after I left. I made him pain that was hard for someone like him to bear. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

The moment I ran out of the dorm... I thought of him. And I really wanted to ran back and say... "Hey, it'll not take long but I'll visit you again." But I lost the courage. I lost the confidence to say a few words to him. I can't say goodbye.

 

The moment I was thinking that he was always on his room... not attending his schedules... I wanted to give him a call. I wanted to say "Bestfriend... your losing your dream... Stand up there. Show them that you can be who you are..." But I was scared that he would put down the phone after seeing my name...

 

I planned to have a suicide, I wanted to tell him that story... But I saw him just right in that perfect time. I saw him in my mind. He was smiling and he was so glad... I've seen him so many times in my mind.

 

The moment my father died... I haven't thought of anyone but the group... I wished they'd all be here... They were sitting around me... They were all cuddling me... They were saying... "Hannie, it'll be fine... we're here. We won't leave you."

 

It was hard to move on... on looking forward... on being alone.

 

Best friend, 

 

You have someone to knock on your door and say "Hyung, grab some food... you haven't ate anything." while I keep on stabbing my self for being hungry...

You have someone to say "Hyung, everything will be alright..." while I have my own mouth saying it to my ears...

You have 13 guys saying "We are all here for you" while I have myself crying in a room alone...

You have 13 guys while I have none.

 

This might sound that I'm blaming you or the guys for anything...

No, I didn't and I won't.

You and those 13 names beside you will always be in my heart...

Especially you.

 

This might sound munch or sweet but Hey! I miss you...

I miss your soft touches...

I miss you wearing my sunglasses...

I miss you digging my things up...

I miss you bragging me for pictures...

I miss you growl every morning I wake you up...

I miss cooking my Beijing fried Rice...

I miss my closest friend...

I miss my one and only bestfriend..

 

I read on internet that most of the ELFs miss HanChul...

I heard them saying they miss how we play together...

How we do things together...

 

Honestly, I miss those too...

But it'll be hard making HanChul now...

Hard to kiss...

Hard to touch...

Hard to hug...

Hard to talk...

Hard to act crazy with him...

We are miles apart from each other...

He's there continuing to be the Kim Heechul ELFs love...

And I'm here... Being the Hangeng I wished when I was a child...

 

They were about to put an end on their world tour... used to be OUR world tour...

I'm happy that they go on past without me...

I'm happy I didn't make further changes... I didn't make commotions to the group...

But I promise all ELFs... I would support them until my last breath...

I would be on the VIP seat... raising a banner saying "Hey ELFs, Super Junior's Hankyung is here... WATCHING WITH YOU!"

 

I would shout until I lost my voice... I would yell, "YAH! KIM HEECHUL! You're really the best!"...

 

Heechul, my only bestfriend...

I hope you can read this...

 

Hey bestfriend... How are you?

I don't know if you would still consider me asking you these things...

Were you eating right?

Were you doing fine?

Were you sleeping on time?

Did you miss my fried rice?

Did you miss me?

 

Wait! Best friends forever right?

I don't know what would you think of it but I still consider you... and I only consider you being my bestfriend...

I miss you Heechul...

I miss HanChul...

And I promise to make it up to you when we meet...

I'll make time...

I'll make moments that will live forever...

 

And to those who read this blog of mine...

Thanks for listening...

I hope you guys enjoy your life...

 

 

I'll be forever yours, ELFs...

If you were about to ask me if I'm ready talking to him...

I don't think I can answer right now...

He's busy being a Super Junior member and I'm busy being China's Hangeng...

Support them...

Buy their albums...

Support me and Super Junior...

Yes we are far from each other...

Yes, they are group and I'm a solo singer...

Yes, they are in Korea while I'm here in China...

But we'll continue to be as one...

to be the boyband you all love...

I'll be forever a Super Junior member...

I'll be forever with them...

Maybe not in distance...

But in hearts...

 

 

Your Prince of China,

Super Junior's Hankyung