STORY LINK

TITLE: 2/5

The title gives away too much of the story.  Right away I know what to expect in the story.  It doesn't make the reader want to know more about the story.  

POSTER: 4/5

Your poster is good.  It goes along with the tone of the story and pulls me in.  It makes me want to find out more about the story.  I gave it a 4/5 because the title has the word erted in it so you should pull that theme into the poster as well.  Maybe having some type of ersion on the poster, ie: a girl and a guy hugging?

FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION: 2/5

The foreword/Description did have a part of the story but the info you put for the description should have been down where the foreword goes and the info you put in the foreword should maybe just be as a note at the bottom of the page-maybe as an author's note .  I did like that you put my username in it.  That did draw me into the story but because it was so far down and by that point I was very confused by all of the information most readers would not have even got ot that point. It was very confusing and all over the place, it was not organized at all.

CHARACTERIZATION: 8/10

We get a good sense of who the characters are in the beginning however, if you must have a character profile then the information you put in it has to be relevant to the story. For example: you put her hobbies as playing piano and reading books in the library but we never see her doing these things in the story.  You also put the vampires hobbies are stalking the main character so now I know what the story will be about, this gave away too much of the plot.

ORIGINALITY: 3/5

Most vampire stories have the vampires invading the character's house but you had the girl invading their space, this was a little different.  You could take out the fact that they are vampires and it would be just like any other story.

PLOT: 10/15

The plot does not really make sense most of the times. Most people see a refrigerator full of blood and freak out.  She sees random bottle of blood and raw meat all over her house and just brushes it off and washes her hands or flushes it down the toilet.  She never really freaks out that she is living with vampires or that they are trying to drink her blood. I had to go back and re-read some of the chapters because some things just came up randomly.  You do not give a good background of this character, such as why her father would purchase a mansion for a 17 year old girl to live in by herself. He also does not questions where all of the maids and butlers came from.  I understand they are rich but any father would question why his daughter is spending so much of his money.  Also, the little sister who was freaked out by a vampire was perfectly fine with the fact that a strange guy tried to bite her neck then disappeared but once she got candy she forgot all about it.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR: 7/25

I know English is not your first language but there was a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes and it effected the flow of the story.  Maybe having an edit shop proof-read your story before you post it would make for a better story overall.  You used the wrong tenses a lot as well.  Instead of present tense you used the past tense.  This may be why I had to go back and re-read parts of the story.  There were a lot of mistakes so I am only going to list a few of them.

Chapter 2:  

You entered the second room and shocked.

should be: You entered the second room and were shocked at what you seen.

You switched off the television and throw away the blood in the sink.

You switched off the televison and threw away the blood in the sink.

“I have a bad feeling pn this.” Without thinking any further, you walked out the room quickly and entered the third room. Same as before, the room was tidy and well prepared. You knew that the mansion was never been lived by peoples and you were the first one who stayed there.

"I have a bad feeling about this." Without thinking any further, you quickly walked out of the room and entered the third room.  It was the same as the other room, it was tidy and well prepared.  You knew that people had never lived in the mansion before and you were the first one to live there.

His gripped was too tight and your wrist began to bruise.

His grip was too tight and your wrist began to bruise.

Chapter 3:

“Let me handle her.” said the guy with the red haired. Before you could go upstairs and ran the red haired already behind you. You shocked and almost fell from the stairs.

"Let me handle her." said the guy with the red hair.  Before you could run upstairs the red haired guy was already behind you.  You were so shocked you almost fell down the stairs.

Chapter 6:

The tragedy happened that morning was haunted you. You felt like it wasn’t saved to live there. But you had no more choices.

The tragedy that haunted you that morning was still haunting you.  You felt like it wasn't safe to live there but, you had no choice.

There are many more but I would probably end up re-writing your story.

WRITING STYLE: 5/10

I don't really like your writing style. It didn't make me feel part of the story.  Your writing didn't make me want to read more. I don't like the multiple colors. I understand the different colors represented different people but it distracted me.  If you have to use colors maybe just using them when the vampires are reading her mind. That could also have been done with italics. 

FLOW: 2/5

Your flow is effected by all the spelling/grammar mistakes.  It moves too fast. One second she is moving in and the next she has a vampire who likes her.  There is no build up in the story.

ENJOYMENT: 2/10

I did not want to read more of the story there was not really too much that peaked my curiosity.  At one point when the vampires were in the kitchen and dropped the blood on the floor their banter was cute and I was curious as to how she was going to cover up the mess and did wonder what she was going to say to her company but other than that there was not much else I enjoyed.

BONUS: 0/5

Nothing in particular caught my eye or was special about this story.

TOTAL: 43/100

This review is done by mucka76. Sorry for the late review!