Have you ever fallen in love? It is something so unexpected sometimes. It catches your heart and makes you do silly things. It can change everything and those changes may not always be for the best. Love is scary because it takes over without a person knowing. That’s what happened to me. I fell in love. What makes it even more complicated is that I fell in love with my best friend, Lee Kikwang.

            My name is Go Juhee and I have been best friends with Kikwang since we were eight. We went to the same school and we were in the same class. Kikwang was shy and didn’t play with the other kids much. He was always in his own little world and didn’t mind playing alone. Our classmates picked on him, always pushing him around but he never fought back.

            One day they took things to far and tried to push him off the top of the slide. He nearly fell but I grabbed him in time. I was angry with the other kids. I insisted they apologize to Kikwang, but they just laughed at me. They weren’t afraid of me, but that was because I had never let them see me get angry. I never thought violence solved anything; this time I was too upset to care. I grabbed the leader of the trouble-making group and held him against the bars of the slide. He couldn’t get free and it scared him. Let’s just say him and friends eventually apologized and never messed with Kikwang and I again.

            To this day Kikwang never let’s me live that day down. He always makes a point to say, “Don’t get Juhee mad, she will turn into Mr. Hyde.” It’s our little joke I guess.

            We became friends after that incident. I got to know him better and realized he wasn’t as weird as everyone thought. He just had a lot on his mind. For a kid, he could be very philosophical at times. I only understood parts of it, but it didn’t matter because all he wanted was someone to listen to him rant. That’s how our weird friendship started.

            This was years ago. We are now in our early twenties and starting careers for ourselves. I am a part-time photographer and designer, while he is a singer, dancer, and actor, in other words a triple-threat. We are still really close. We hangout when we have free time. I became close with his group mates and had recently been offered a job working as their designer for their new album release. I was excited to be able to spend more time with Kikwang.

~~~~~~~

            It was late one night when I realized Kikwang wasn’t the little boy I had to protect anymore. He had grown up, became manlier. I had just finished measuring the guys for their wardrobes and was wasting time while watching them practice their choreography. I wanted to get a feel for the song and the dance moves before designing the clothes. I was hoping watching them would inspire me. I only had a couple of weeks to perfect their outfits for their stage performance and music video.

            I hadn’t really paid much attention to Kikwang’s dancing before. I had seen him act in his show, but he had a silly character in that. I had heard him sing, but that was nothing new to me. He used to sing to me when we were younger to pass the time. I always knew he had a great voice. His dancing on the other hand was a complete surprise.

            I know what you are thinking. What kind of friend was I if I hadn’t seen him dance until now? I was always busy and he never pushed me to watch his videos. I think he wanted to keep me as a normal friend and not turn into an obsessed fan. In truth, I could only see him as the adorable boy I had to protect from the bad bullies of the world that is until now.

            Watching him dance, so completely focused put me in a trance. His moves were fluid, strong, handsome. He was sweating and breathing hard. His hair was stuck to forehead from all the perspiration. I even noticed the way he drank water during breaks, it sometimes spilled over and ran down his neck. It was starting to drive me crazy. I shook my head wondering what exactly I was thinking. This was Kikwang, my best friend for over ten years. I couldn’t be fantasizing about him. This wasn’t possible.

            He came over to sit beside me, smiling brightly. I had to look away or I would have blushed. “Have you been inspired yet?” he wondered.

            I nodded, “I think so. I should probably get going so I can make some sketches.” I added standing up packing my things to leave.

            “Juhee, you’re leaving already?” he asked sadness showing in his voice. “I was hoping we could eat together after practice.”

            It sounded appealing and I really missed having alone time with him, but with these thoughts of mine I thought it was best to leave sooner rather than later. I got home and decided to work on the outfit designs but it was no use. I kept thinking of Kikwang. I kept drawing his face over and over again. I drew every expression I could imagine, happy, sad, thoughtful, and angry, all were beautiful.

            I slammed my pencil down and moved away from the drawing table. What was happening to me? Hadn’t Kikwang always been like a brother to me? Why was I suddenly having a hard time breathing around him or even looking at him without my heart beating faster? Did I like him as more than a friend?

            I had been ignoring my phone for a while knowing he would call or text me. I didn’t want to talk to him at the moment. I wanted to get him out of my head. I didn’t want things to change between us. When I finally did look at my phone, I had three missed phone calls and ten text messages. “Juhee, what are you up to?” “I’m so bored!” “Are you busy?” “How are the sketches coming along? Anything prize worthy yet?” “Are you sleeping? It is too early for you to be asleep.” “Text me back soon.” “What happened earlier? Did I do something?” “Are you mad at me?” “Please talk to me.” It was so like Kikwang to think he did something wrong. I can’t blame him though because he had made me angry many times before but he always cheered me up in the end.

            I decided to text him back, “It’s not you it’s me. I just need some time alone. Talk to you later.”

            I received a response quickly. “Let me know if you need to talk, I’m here to listen.” I smiled unconsciously at his kindness. He was always like that, thoughtful, caring, and attentive. He always knew when something bothered me and worried constantly until it was resolved. But this time it was something I couldn’t talk to him about. How could I tell him I was falling for him? How could I make our relationship awkward if he didn’t feel the same way?

            I tried to focus on my work but found it impossible. Eventually, I decided to go to bed. I would have to meet up with the guys again tomorrow and I figured I would need my beauty sleep in order to deal with Kikwang. I had a strange dream involving him that night. He told me we couldn’t be friends anymore if I kept secrets from him. He said he didn’t trust me if I couldn’t trust him. I wonder if my subconscious was telling me to confess. I struggled all morning with the thoughts of what to do. I guess I had to tell him in the end, it wouldn’t be right to keep lying to him.

            I met the guys at their dorm after practice to discuss designs with them. I had been able to make a few sketches that morning and I wanted their opinions on them. I was invited to stay for dinner; of course they volunteered me to cook for them. Afterwards I went to the roof for some alone time with Kikwang. We always went to the roof for time alone. It was our place to talk and hangout. None of the other guys really liked it up there and never came looking for us.

            It was a chilly night and I had forgot my coat at home. He offered me his and we sat in silence staring at the lights of the city. The silence was beginning to eat at my ears. “Kikwang?” I started then asked, “What do you see me as?”

            He turned confused. I guess he was in one of those deep thoughts of his. “How do you view me?” I asked.

            He looked at me intently and replied, “You’re my best friend.”

            “I know that, but do you ever see me as anything more?” I wondered.

            He thought for a second. I noticed his eyes narrow in thought and then widen as he examined my face. “Why?” he asked. “Do you see me as anything more?”

             I shrugged not really ready to confess fully. “Maybe? A little,” I said.

            He looked down at his hands cupped together in his lap. I could tell he was contemplating the pros and cons of what I just said. He was making lists like he always did, afraid to act rashly. He was constantly factoring things trying to make sense of them. I guess I had just blown his mind.

            “I…I don’t know what to say,” he finally spoke.

            I moved to kneel in front of him, grabbing his hands, looking into his eyes. I studied his expression for a few moments. “Tell me the truth. Be honest with me.”

            “I’m afraid,” he said.

            “Afraid of what?” I asked.

            He swallowed and moved his hands to hold mine. “Afraid that everything will be lost. I don’t want to lose what we have.”

            “You are already calculating the bad things before you even try,” I stated. “We haven’t even tried and you already assume it will end badly. Trust me I have thought about this too and I don’t want it to end up that way either. Why do you think I was so worried about telling you?” I questioned.

            He stared at me intently. “I like you Juhee,” he whispered.

            My breath caught. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. Had my mind started playing tricks on me? He kept speaking. “I have liked you for a while now. Maybe it was from the first time I noticed you, when you saved me that day on the playground. I always thought you just wanted to be friends so I never said anything,” he explained.

            I squeezed his hands reassuringly, “I’m not sure when I started looking at you differently. It just kind of happened.” I paused thinking of how to say what I wanted. It finally came out. “Can we be more than friends?”

            The cool night air surrounded us. I could feel his breath catch after hearing my words. He didn’t look down at me; he just kept staring at the scenery behind me. Finally inhaling he said, “Do you know how long I have wanted to say that to you but never had the courage?” I didn’t speak. I wanted to know what he had to say so I waited patiently for him to finish his thought. He finally looked down at me removing one of his hands from my grasp to place it on my cheek. It was warm and hesitant on my skin. He moved his hand to cup my chin turning my head up slightly. He slowly leaned in, looking me in the eyes. I could no longer think; I just waited. I felt his warm breath as he moved closer, pausing a few centimeters away from my lips. He closed the gap between us no longer able to resist the temptation.

            My lips tingled under his touch. He was so gentle his kiss so sweet. I kissed back fervently wanting to taste every bit of him. It was as if I had been missing something for so long, something I was unaware of. His kiss was like finding that one thing you are craving but are unable to put a name to. His scent, his taste, the way his hand felt at the nape of my neck was like a drug inebriating me. I was drunk on him.

            He pulled away too fast for my liking, but it had taken a lot for him to confess to me. I remained kneeling in front of him. Looking in to his shining eyes, like two stars in the night sky. He was smiling as broadly as I was, while keeping his hand resting somewhere between my neck and cheek. I sighed and rested my head on his lap, unwilling to move. He began to play with my hair while humming a song. It was my favorite song, one he sang to me all the time. It would become our song.

            I’m not sure how long we stayed on the roof that night, but it hadn’t been long enough. We both had to step back into reality. One thing remained from that night and that was our newfound closeness. We didn’t tell his group mates at first. They became suspicious and we decided not to hide our relationship anymore. The guys said it was about time we got together and that they had thought it was inevitable.

            Small things changed, like the way it felt when we held hands. We now secretly exchanged kisses. Our late night phone calls left us longing for more. It was the small things that took us from being friends to lovers. I loved Kikwang.

            I said it first. We had been officially together for a month and I confessed my feelings for him. I didn’t expect him to say it back to me automatically. I knew he was more conservative with his emotions. I knew he was afraid to get attached to people; it had only ended in disaster for him. I was willing to wait because I wanted him to confess when he felt like it. I wanted it to be his true feelings and not forced out by me. But I did make sure he knew how I felt this time because last time it was my fault our relationship hadn’t gone any further than friendship.

~~~~~~~

            Our relationship flowed easily. We understood each other’s schedules and cherished the time we had together. We always called each other when either of us was away. If one were having a bad day, the other would comfort them. Cuddling was a necessity in our relationship. Spending long hours on his couch or mine had become a routine of ours.

            Eight months passed like this quickly. Kikwang had been busy a lot lately with his schedule between acting and singing. I rarely got to see him, but he had decided to make time for us to eat dinner or should I say an early breakfast together. We met at 3am, in a small restaurant close by my apartment.

            When he arrived he kissed my cheek and sat down across from me. “Have you been waiting a while?” he asked.

            I shook my head. “I just got here myself.”

            He looked at me and smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes like it normally did. He seemed hesitant about something. I decided not to question him; he always told me when he felt up to it. Something must have happened at work. We ordered our food and had small talk.

            “I heard you were signed to work with Super Junior?” he asked.

            “Where did you hear that?” I wondered surprised. “It hasn’t been made public yet.”

            “I know people,” he said slyly.

            “I’m excited I get to work with them. It’s a large order though. Two outfits for each member and back ups. I have to decide on the style for the music video. This is the first time anyone has let me choose the theme freely. I’m a little worried,” I rambled.

            “I’m sure you will do fine. You always do,” he said reassuringly reaching to hold my hand across the table. I squeezed his fingers giving him a smile. His thumb rubbed my fingers tenderly. He cleared his throat and looked at me with searching eyes. He wanted to say something to me. My mind raced and heart sped up. I was hoping, praying he would finally say the words that I had confessed to him so long ago. It’s not that I needed to hear him say those three little words to know he felt that way, but it would be nice to hear them anyways, for reassurance.

            I held my breath when his mouth opened for him to speak. “Juhee…” he started. “I…think…” he swallowed. “I think…we should breakup.”

            Had I heard him properly? Did he just say “breakup”? I pulled my hand away instinctively as if he was a spider who had just bit me, spreading his poison through my veins. I could feel it entering my heart already. “What? Why?” I questioned.

            “I just think it is best we stop seeing each other. I shouldn’t have let this go on for so long. I was afraid of hurting you,” he explained. I didn’t comprehend what he was saying. Had he wanted to breakup for a while? Was this something he had been thinking about?

            “Are you saying you don’t want to be with me anymore?” I asked trying to clear my thoughts.

            “I’m sorry,” he said lowering his head, unable to meet my gaze.

            “What does that even mean?” I asked getting angry. “Is this why you couldn’t confess to me? You never felt the same way I did? Was it because I told you I wanted to be more than friends and you just followed along?” I stood up not sure if I wanted to leave just yet. “Just answer me this, that night on the roof, did you say those things because it was what I wanted to hear or did you actually feel that way about me?”

            He still couldn’t look up at me. He was staring at the untouched plate of food in front of him. “I’m sorry,” he said again. I didn’t want his apologies, I wanted answers, but I knew Kikwang and he wasn’t ready to give me those answers. He was never ready. I found myself always waiting on him to process his thoughts.

            I didn’t say anything else. I simply grabbed my coat and purse leaving the restaurant without looking back. I was more angry than anything at the moment. I walked with heavy footsteps trying to find my way home. It wasn’t until I locked my door that I broke down. I leaned on the door for support but that didn’t help. I ended up on the floor in my foray crying my eyes out. I sat with my knees to my chest with my head resting on them. Two wet spots appeared on my knees from the constant flow of tears. My brain had given up trying to comprehend what just happened; it just knew that crying would make me feel better.

            The problem with my situation was that I had no one to call to comfort me. My best friend had been my boyfriend. My work companions changed constantly and we never really bonded enough to become good friends. Schoolmates were out of the picture and I couldn’t call Kikwang’s group mates because he would need them. I was alone.

            The only remedy I could think of was to take a hot bath. I could let my tears disappear into the bath water. Hopefully the warm water would be able to straighten out my thoughts.

            I was angry with myself for being so upset about his words. We had talked about always staying friends. That was our biggest concern when we started dating, we didn’t want it to affect our established friendship. What we feared most was happening before my very eyes. I was losing my best friend because I had been selfish in wanting a relationship. I shouldn’t have pressured him into being a couple.

            I decided to give him space before trying to talk about our friendship. I was no longer angry with him; at least he had spoken his mind. I hadn’t contacted his group mates, who at some point had become my friends as well, although they had tried to contact me. I ignored all of their texts and phone calls. I needed to be away from his world for a while.

            About two weeks after our breakup, someone knocked on my door. It was around 4am and I had been dead asleep. I noticed my phone flashing with multiple missed calls and texts. Someone was serious about contacting me. I rushed to answer the door wondering what could be so important at this time of morning.

            I opened the door to see Yoseob and Doojoon breathless and clutching their sides. They looked as if they had been running. I ushered them in and gave them some water. I waited for them to catch their breath and tell me what was going on. Yoseob spoke first. “Have you seen Kikwang?”

            I shook my head. “Not since the breakup. Why?”

            “This isn’t good. This was the last place we had to look,” Doojoon said to Yoseob.

            “What are you talking about?” I asked annoyed about the lack of explanation from them.

            “We went out together for some drinks, to relax,” Yoseob explained. “When we got back to the dorm, Kikwang said he wanted some fresh air. He left and we haven’t seen him since.”

            “He was a little drunk which worries us,” Doojoon added.

            “And you let him go out on his own. What were you thinking?” I asked my temper rising. If anything happened to Kikwang I didn’t know what I would do.

            “Sorry. We thought he was going to stay near the dorm, not wander off. He doesn’t like us to hover, especially after the breakup,” Doojoon said hesitantly waiting for my reaction.

            “Where have you guys looked for him?” I asked wondering where Kikwang could have gone. I didn’t like the idea of him being lost and alone.

            “Everywhere. We looked at all of the places he likes to visit. We even thought he might have come to see you.” Yoseob answered.

            “Why would he come to see me?” I wondered.

            “Because you are his best friend. Even though he won’t admit it, he misses you. He even says your name in his sleep. We still can’t figure out why he broke up with you.” Doojoon explained. “He’s been depressed ever since.”

            I went to my room without saying anything. I put on some pants and a t-shirt. I made my way towards the door putting on my shoes and grabbing a coat.

            “Where are you going?” Yoseob asked standing up from the couch.

            “To look for him,” I said leaving them in my living room. I couldn’t waste time; I had to find Kikwang.

            There was one place I thought he might be and I was banking on it. The guys had probably overlooked the idea of going there to look for him. When I made it to the building I rushed to the elevator, pushing the up button impatiently. I made my way to the top floor and took the stairs to the roof. I was out of breath and worried about finding him. I had hoped he would be on the roof of the guys’ dorm. That was where he normally went to get some fresh air.

            I glanced around looking for a figure in the dark. I didn’t see one. I walked closer to the edge looking at the early morning view. I wondered where he could be. He could get into so much trouble on his own. What if he got hurt or something worse? I shook my head trying to expel the bad thoughts. “Nothing will happen to him,” I told myself.

            I sat down on the bench we used to share in our rooftop getaway. It reminded me of that night so long ago when I confessed to him, asking for something more. I rested my elbows on my knees and placed my head in my hands. If I thought about it too much longer, I knew I would start crying again. I sat in silence contemplating all of the places he liked, one’s we went to together, and anywhere he might be.

            “Juhee?” a voice said from behind. It sounded hoarse as if the owner had been crying or extremely thirsty. I stood and turned to see Kikwang standing on the opposite side of the roof. He looked confused and upset from what I could see in the dim lighting of the roof. I started walking towards him, slowly at first and then rushing to close the gap between us. I hugged him, not wanting to let go, missing the way it felt to be in his arms with my head nestled between his neck and shoulder. He smelled the same as always, only this time it was tainted with the faint smell of alcohol.

            He stood shocked at first, but soon returned my hug. I could feel him breathing in my hair, his cheek pressed against my head. “What are you doing here?” he asked.

            “I was looking for you,” I whispered. “The guys have been going crazy trying to find you,” I explained. We were silent for a moment, and then I added, “I was worried about you.”

            He didn’t say anything, but I could feel his arms tighten around me. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. I didn’t know what to say so I decided to wait like always. Not wanting to rush him into speaking. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I’m so sorry.” I could hear his voice cracking. He was crying.

            He pulled me back to arms length looking intently into my eyes. His were filled with tears. I instinctively reached up to wipe them away. It hurt too much to see them there, reminding me of the tears I wanted to cry. “Juhee, I’m sorry…” he said his voice catching. Kikwang took a deep breath before starting again. “I’m sorry for not being able to say it before. How I felt?”

            I wasn’t sure what he was getting at. “What do you mean?” I asked confused.

            Without speaking he leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t like our soft kisses in the past. This one was more urgent, needy, and passionate. I could taste the sour alcohol on his lips, smell it on his breath. Normally I would complain about it, but I had been waiting too long to be this close to him again. I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair on the back of his head, holding him close to me. I hugged my arms around his neck, pulling myself closer to him. Bridging the gap between us. Making us one.

            He pulled back after a minute and sighed looking into my eyes. “I love you,” he whispered. “I always have. I was just too afraid to admit it.”

            “Why?” I asked. “Why did you have to breakup with me if you were in love with me?”

            He shook his head. “It’s complicated.”

            “Uncomplicate it,” I told him.

            He thought for a moment trying to figure out the best way to speak his mind. “I was afraid. I was afraid you would get hurt if you were with me. The public is harsh on celebrity relationships and the only way I could see us continuing our relationship meant telling everyone about it. I don’t want to hide the way I feel about you anymore. I’m tired of sneaking kisses and only being able to hold you when no one else is around.” He paused scrunching his face in a pained expression. It was as if all the bad thoughts were coming back; his worries were resurfacing.

            I placed my hands on either side of his face. “Is that all you were worried about? You think too much. I’m a big girl Kikwang; I can take care of myself.”

            “I wanted to take care of you for once. You have always been taking care of me. You always needed to be strong for me.” I could tell he had thought about this for some time. “I want to be a man you can depend on. I wanted to protect you from all the pain and troubles that come with being an idols girlfriend. I guess I ended up hurting you more in the end.”

            He placed his hands over mine on his face, turning his head to kiss each palm. “I’m sorry.”

            “There is nothing for you to be sorry about,” I reassured him. “You did what you thought was right.”

            “Will you forgive me?” he asked.

            “I already have,” I answered, pulling him in for another kiss. This one was softer, sweeter. “I love you.”

            This time he replied automatically, “I love you too.”

            We made our way to the bench and held each other waiting for the sun to rise. For some reason, we always ended up on the roof. It was our place of secrets. It shared our worries. It was the place we shared our first kiss. It was the place I confessed. It was the place we both said “I love you for the first time.” It was the place we made up after our breakup. Later on it would be the place he asked me to marry him and the place where I told him I was pregnant. We would always come back to this place. Tying our future together with the secret bench and the stars we were closer to while up here. It was our rooftop.