I remember the day we met. It was the first day of grade six. We were in a class with some of the guys we're best friends with now. Nobody knew each other of course. This year, we were all strangers.

The teacher asked us to introduce ourselves to the class. I remember you were so small and shy, you looked like a porcelain doll. So fragile and peaceful. You didn't like talking to anyone.

"M-my name is Choi J-Junhong.." You stuttered. You looked down at your feet and you played with the end of your shirt.

I was lonely just like you. No one liked me. I wanted to play with you and say hi but you acted so cold yet so shy. It was hard to break through your tough shell, but when I did, you were as bright as the sun. Your smile made the whole room shine. 

Later on in the year we befriended the rest of our friends. You weren't as open to them as you were to me but nonetheless, they were your friends and you cherished them.

Daehyun would always try to hold you in his arms because he felt the need to protect you from the other bullies but you would squirm and complain until I held you and hid you from the mean ones.

Time passed and we were all still friends. You had grown accustom to hiding behind me when you were scared. I liked the feeling of being the brave one for once. Even though I was scared myself, it just felt like the right thing to do. To protect you.

We would always hang out at each other's houses. We even had sleepovers and those were the best. We would stay up late, play with our toys or read comic books and play pretend. It was easy being a kid. It was fun.

As we grew up, nothing changed. We were still immature and young at heart. We would still hang out.

It was in grade eight that I realized what I felt for you. That I loved you. You currently had a girlfriend, her name wasn't important. 

I realized my feelings for you when you started dating her because I felt my insides boil. Jealousy was raving within my body. I wanted it to stop but I couldn't and it never did.

I really hated her. Not just because she was with you but because she was a . Yeah, she did nasty stuff with other guys behind your back. You were always confronted with those rumors but you were so blind and in love to care. You just forgave and forgot. She took advantage of you so horribly, I wanted to smack you awake and make you realize how bad she was.

When you two broke up, I was relieved. 

You came to me and cried on my shoulder. You told me it was all your fault and that you should've listened to me but you didn't. 

I hugged you comfortingly and told you it would get better. I rocked you from side to side like a baby and you fell asleep in my arms. You looked so peaceful. You must've been somewhere nice in your head. 

You had your arms wrapped around my neck. My shirt was damp from your tears. I pulled your waist closer to mine so I could embrace you tightly. 

Your head moved to the side as I did that. Your cheek was resting on my shoulder. Your mouth was agape. Your lips were big and a very appealing pink. That was when I had my first urge to kiss you. 

I settled for a long peck on your lips. Our first kiss, I thought.
 

Daehyun was so fond of you in grade six it was no surprise he still felt the same in grade eight. I think at one point he confessed to you but you denied him. He looked so heart broken. I almost pitied him. He cried and cried. I wonder if you would reject me too if I confessed. I didn't want to take any chances so I didn't.

In our first year of high school we met a new friend. His name was Kim Himchan. A very nice, attractive looking guy. He was one year above us and he helped us get used to highschool. We all became friends fast. 

Even though you were the smallest in grade six, you sure changed. You were almost taller than everybody in the school which made you feel awkward. 

People would call you a Baby Tree because you were tall and you looked like a baby. I found it clever and funny but you didn't like it at all. It took some time to get used to but when we did, highschool was fun.

Our second year. It was the worst, (for me at least). 

That was the year we met Bang Yongguk. A new kid in Himchan's class.

I remember this day so vivdly.

We were eating lunch in the cafeteria. Our whole gang was there except Himchan. We ate our food peacefully until Himchan came with an uninvited guest.

"Hey guys, I'd like you all to meet Bang Yongguk, he's new to the school." Himchan smiled widely as he patted the stranger on his back.

Yongguk smiled. His smile was very unique. He had a sweet gummy smile.

You immediately stood up and bowed respectfully before introducing himself. 

You shook hands. You smiled so wide at Yongguk. You scooted over and made room for Yongguk on the bench. You sat beside each other and you talked so casually as if they've none each other for years.

That was when he became part of our little circle of friends. Everyone except me liked him, but of course, I tried to play it cool. I smiled and laughed at what he said from time to time so it wouldn't see as if I really hated him.

Every time Yongguk walked in the room, you would smile so wide. It felt like I bored you and when he walked in you were saved.

You were a complete new person in front of him. I felt my jealousy boil again. Luckily nothing between you guys happened until a couple months later.

You had been extremely close and you both drifted from all of us. We felt left out. 

I wanted things to go back to the way they were before Yongguk appeared. 
 

I was planning on confessing. I was ready to spill all my bottled up feelings I've kept ever since grade six. I was ready to be humiliated in front of you. I was ready to make you my special one. I was ready to make you love me...

But then he asked you out. It was the new worst day of my life. 

I had a boost of confidence that day. I felt like I could do anything, but when I walked up to you beside your locker to pull you away to the field to confess, you squealed with joy and told me you were now officially with Yongguk. It made me die a little.

All that preparing for nothing.

I went home that day ready to kill myself. I wanted to die so badly. Nothing felt worth living anymore, now that you were taken. I wanted to but I was too much of a coward to actually do it.  I turned to cutting that day. I remember my first time trying it out.

I slid the razor blade along my left wrist and winced a bit at the pain. It hurt, but it was as close to dying as anything so I continued doing it. 

After I did it, I had six dried up cuts on my wrist when I woke up.

I had forgotten about how I was so depressed but when I saw Yongguk's arm wrapped around you in the morning at school everything hit me in the face.

Oh yeah, they're dating. I told myself.

The following weeks were probably the worst. My depression grew stronger. At times I scared myself on how I was becoming. Turning to causing myself pain for ways out. I was scared thinking like this. I had dangerous thoughts and a motive for it to actually happen.

When cutting wasn't enough I tried other things I don't want to mention. It's too tough looking back on those days. I regret doing all of it. 

The first time I saw you kiss was when you two were in the hallway all alone. Your back was up against the lockers and you clutched your texts books to your chest. He had his hands on your waist and he pulled you closer and bent down and kissed you. Just like a lover would.

I quickly ran away from what I saw. I cried myself to sleep that night. Tears were the only thing I knew. Crying was the only thing I could do.

When you did talk to me I would cherish those moments so much. It was rare not seeing you with Yongguk by your side.  I would make you laugh and smile like old times. When it was just you and I. 

You stopped talking to me for a while. You were too in love with Yongguk to ever want to leave his side and actually communicate with the friends you left behind.

I would always pray that you two would split. Each day made my patience diminish. I needed to tell you how I felt but I couldn't.

I saw the way he held you tightly in his arms and how you would rest your head against his chest and clutch onto him.

The way you would stand on the end of your toes and peck him on the lips. 

The way you always entwined your fingers with his as you locked hands.

The way he wrapped his arm protectively around your shoulders.

The way he would lend you his coat on a cold autumn day.

The way he would feed you food.

The way he did everything. I saw all of it. I wished so bad it was me with you. I would treat you so well. 

He made you so happy... I couldn't bare the thought of breaking you up. What if you didn't even like me? 

Maybe I should end this once and for all.

End my misery and pain. I would suffer no more.

I sent some texts to my Frieda saying goodbye. They probably don't even know what I'm talking about, let alone even care.

But for you, Zelo. My little baby robot. My Baby Tree... This whole letter is for you. This is so you know how I felt.

I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to leave this world but life isn't worth living if you like it better with someone else.

Maybe it's my fault I'm being such a selfish person and not accept your happiness or maybe it's your fault for leaving me to rot.

But whatever it is, I can't stay. I know that I'll end my pain if I let go of you and move on but I can't. Not in my life time.

So, maybe my afterlife will be better. I will be happier. 

You be happy with Yongguk. Love him... Love him and never let him go. He's a great guy, I'd take his place anyday.

I'm going to do it, Junhong. I'm really scared.

Please don't hate me. Please just remember me as the happy best friend you loved.  All I ever wanted was your love..

I love you Junhong. More than anybody else in the world. You will forever be my everything. You always were.
 

The pills are working, I'm getting sleepy. 

Everything is fading, my eyelids feel so heavy. I want to close them but I won't.

My heart isn't aching anymore. This is working.

I guess these are my last words, Zelo.

I ing love you, Choi Junhong. Don't you ever forget about me.

-Sincerely, your best friend for life, Moon Jongup. 

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The affect this letter had on me striked again. I was left crying messily as I trembled in the corner.

I never knew he felt like this about me.

I knew I loved him. I knew I did but why did it take me his death to figure it out? I'm so ing stupid.

It's my fault. Im not worth anybody's life, especially Jongup's.He died because of me. If there was no Yongguk there would still be my precious Jongup.

I always knew I loved him. He always made me feel happy. Happier than when I was with Yongguk.

Jongup was always there for me. He always loved me, he always cared for me and I just ignored him. I forgot about him and everybody else because I was so blind with Yongguk. I didn't even get to say goodbye.... Or I love you too.
 

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The End! That was it. I don't really know why I wrote this. I just felt like it. Anyways, thanks for subscribing! Hope you all enjoyed it, k goodbye!