Onew is in his room, standing in front of his mirror.

He doesn't see the tired, limp, dark, person he now is. He sees the complete opposite, quite frankly.

He sees the old him. He sees the person he used to be.

He is not Lee Jinki anymore. That was a long time ago. Now, he is Onew.

At first, he can hardly recognize the chillingly familiar figure in front of him. The boy he sees is healthy and energetic, compared to his drooping shoulders and slightly slouched back. He is practically glowing, unlike Onew's blemished skin (thanks to the endless schedules), and Onew can practically see the light, careless thoughts bouncing around the boy's head.

"You're Jinki," Onew says simply. The boy in the mirror frowns.

'No, we're both Jinki. We're both the same person,' he says, cocking his head to the side. Except he doesn't really say it. Onew can hear it inside his head. His eyes narrow a bit. 

"You are Jinki. I am Onew. I became Onew the second I joined SHINee," he says a bit huffily, crossing his arms. Jinki's young, flawless face scrunches up in confusion for a moment, then relaxes as he shrugs. 'Whatever.'

The two stay motionless, Onew glaring at the person in front of him. Like two enemies sizing each other up. Jinki's eyes rake down Onew's body, and said boy -no, man, - feels a bit uncomfortable, but stays silent.

'What happened to you?' Jinki finally asks, pointing at the light blue-ish, purple splotch on Onew's left cheek, then at the long scratch on his right knee, exposed by his shorts.

"I think you already know," Onew says uninterestedly, unconciously brushing a hand to the bruise. It tingles.

Jinki nods in understanding. 'Oh. Right. Onew condition,'. He stares at Onew's hard features for a while, calculating, until he speaks again. 'Except...it isn't Onew Condition, is it?'. Onew doesn't reply. Jinki already knows the answer, so there's no point.

'Onew Condition': a contagious, awkward condition in which the victim is crashing into stationary objects, tripping over their own feet, or making the atmosphere awkward with strange remarks. Originally caused by cute, natural clumsiness.

But, he had grown out of 'Onew Condition' quite a long time ago, actually. The falling, stumbling, and bad word gags weren't done on purpose, either. It had been a painfully long time since Onew had gotten some proper rest, and as a result, he was always falling asleep everywhere. Even when he was walking. Thus, his eyes, decorated with dark circles, would close, just for a second, and suddenly he would be on the cold floor with a taut strip of wire wrapped around his ankle and a throbbing sting in his cheek. Most recently, he had dozed off while walking down the stairs, and slipped, spraining an ankle. "Oh no, not Onew Condition, again!" the boys had groaned sympathetically as they fussed over their poor leader. None of the members had noticed anything out of the ordinary about his 'condition' , since it seemed like a pretty common, normal scene. And Onew liked to keep it that way.

He hadn't even gotten to relax on the 'vacation' they took to beautiful Barcelona with Kibum and Taemin. Every day was packed with filming and writing, and he surely couldn't afford to slack off on that. They didn't even get the opportunity to go to a nice restaurant and have a peaceful dinner or go to one of the gorgeous parks to unwind, to relish the scenery and quiet. Instead, they spent their free time cooped up in their hotel room like chickens, eating food ordered from room service in front of the T.V.. Everywhere they went, there were fans screaming, crushing whatever tiny grasp of relaxation and peace of mind they had. 

Onew cannot even remember the last time he had gone out to do something fun, like bowling, or going to the movies, or just to the Han River without being spotted as SHINee's beloved leader, even if he wore a thick scarf and sunglasses that took up half his face. Situations like those ended up in him being swarmed by crowds of teenage girls, waving scraps of paper and pens in his face, grabbing at sleeves, shades, hats, everything. And the screaming.

Oh, the screaming. It was one of the things Onew loathed the most. Cheering at a concert or performance or fanmeet is very different from the shrieks of "Oppa, sign this!", "Oppa, saranghae!" and "Oppa! Look over heree!". Screaming at a music show is loud, happy, and proud. Screaming when you see a famous idol around town is, to Onew, demanding and forceful. He knew some people in his group liked the attention and enjoyed keeping fans happy, like Jonghyun, but he was not one of those people. Sure, he smiled, and signed notepads and napkins, but he didn't like it most of the time, to be blunt. He just wanted to leave and go back to the dorm and curl in the sheets and never wake up again. He wanted to be free, to do whatever he wanted, with no consequences and reprimands. He wanted to be a normal civilian again, where no one would even give him a second glance. Honestly, he was sick of it all. He wanted to rebel. He wanted to do something scandalous, he wanted to leave all the responsibilities, he wanted to--

No. What was he thinking? Rebel? Was he crazy? He was SHINee's leader, the logical, calm, collected one! What was he thinking, rebelling, and leaving his duties, just for some measly free time? He was being ridiculously selfish. He scolded himself. Think about SHINee's image, Onew. Think! What would SHINee's reputation become if their eldest, their leader was caught doing things like that? He might as well just leave the group. And he has worked way too hard, and had achieved way too much to stop now. He was completely happy with himself. This was his dream life. Everybody would be so disappointed in him if they knew his loyalty in the group had wavered even for a second.

Onew comes out of his train of thought. He stares into Jinki's eyes. He realizes Jinki can hear inside his head, and vise versa, and there is a disapproving look in the brown orbs. 

'Are you really happy with your life right now, Onew?' 

The simple, yet powerful question makes his breath catch. "Of course," he yearns to say. "Of course I am. I am Onew. I have come so far. I'm famous. I'm living my dream. I have the endless support of my group members. I have countless fans. I love the screaming, I love the chanting. I love the fame. I love the popularity. I am a role model. I am envied around the world. Of course I am happy. I am more than happy.". He opens his mouth to speak, he needs to hear it in his own voice. Or else he'll never believe himself.

But the words are stuck in his throat, a glob of thick, slimy lies that he cannot swallow nor spit out. They are just there, never to be heard or seen by the world.

He stands there helplessly.

The emotion in Jinki's eyes change to a look of pity. Onew feels the anger slowly replacing his feeling of powerlessness. What does Jinki know about Onew's happiness, anyway? Jinki is nothing. He is not there anymore. He is a figment of the past. Of what Onew once was. And now he is gone. Now it is Onew, and only Onew. No one else. 

His fists clench tightly as the fire burns inside him, and he feels the overwhelming urge to just let loose what he feels. 

Jinki's sympathetic gaze increases in intensity, and Onew snaps.

Suddenly he hears an crashing, piercing tinkling, and he blankly notes that is fist has made a  huge hole through his full length mirror. The middle portion of the glass has shattered, falling onto the carpeted floor, leaving the jagged edges intact. The shards prick and poke Onew's bare feet, drawing blood, but he doesn't feel a thing. He looks down at the pile of transparent pieces, then back up. Slowly leaning close to the mirror, he peers at himself with what is left.

Eye bags. Thin lips. Pale skin. Hollow cheeks. Dead eyes.

Yes, this is Onew. This is who he is. This is who he has become.

The troublesome reflection was gone, Jinki was gone, everything he once had was gone. 

But the words of his younger self echo hauntingly.

-------------

A/N: Phew. Why is it that no matter what I do, I can't bring myself to write something happy? /rolls around on the floor
Oh, and this was inspired by one of Jinki's journal entries in the Barcelona travel book he took part in. He mentioned not being able to leave the hotel to eat some nice food, just getting room service the whole time. It made me wonder if he sometimes wished he weren't famous, and *poof* out came this oneshot, LOL.
Hope you like this short piece! Comments make me feel like I've won the lottery, so leave one below~ Thanks for reading! (:
and im turning 14 tomorrow. woot. cake. mmmm.