“Uhm…”

The sunlight shining through the window made the room getting brighter. I woke up and slowly sat upright then looked around.

“Jjung, you wake up now?” You said with a big smile on your face. “I’m so glad. It’s been two nights you’ve slept. I’m so glad you finally woke up.”

You held me tight and kissed me on my lips. I was shocked so I immediately turned my face away and moved myself backwards.

“What’s wrong Soojung? Why?” You asked confusedly and tried to hold me one again.
“S-Step back. You can’t do this to me.” I said.
“What are you talking about, Jjung?” You looked at me confusedly and try to hold me again.
“I said step back!” I said and pushed you hard. “Step back, stranger! And stop calling me Soojung.”
“Soojung…” You said and moved closer to me once again. “What’s wrong Soojung? I’m not a stranger. I’m Choi Sulli, your lover. You don’t remember?”
“No you’re not. And I’m not your Soojung. Stop calling me that name.”
“Soojung what are you talking about? Please stop kidding me. Don’t you know that it breaks my heart?”
“I said I’m not your Soojung!” I pushed you once again. “I don’t know that name and I don’t know you. Just leave me alone!”
“Soojung…”
“Step back! Don’t touch me!” I said and pushed you hard when you tried to approach me.
“Soojung I don’t understand.”
“I said don’t touch me! And I’m not your Soojung!”

You tried to approach me once again. But the more you tried, the harder I pushed you. Then you finally stopped.

“Okay, I’ll keep my distance if you want me to.” You let out a sight. “But I insist that you’re really Soojung.”
“No I’m not.”
“If you’re not, then who are you? Who are you if your name is not Soojung?”

I’ve heard your question and could only just stay still. I realized that I actually don’t know who I am. What’s my name? Is Soojung my name? I don’t really know. My brain is blank. I don’t remember anything, anything indeed. What happened to me?

“I don’t remember anything. Where am I now? What happened?”
“You’re in the hospital because of the car accident. It’s all my fault that I couldn’t protect you.” You answered in a sad voice.
“But… But why can’t I remember anything? Why can’t I?”
“Soojung… Are you… Are you alright?” You asked worriedly and slowly held my hand. I pulled it back since you’re still a stranger to me.
“I just want to be alone for a while, can I?”
“But…”
“Just a while, can I?”
“Are you sure?” You asked and I slowly nodded.
“Alright, I’m waiting outside. Just call my name if you need me, okay?” You said.

I nodded, so you hesitantly walked out the room. I lay on the bed trying to figure out everything. Where have all my memories gone? I don’t even remember myself. I tried hard to think of the past, but there’s completely nothing in my head.

“Damn it! Why can’t I?” I started to cry and repeatedly hit myself. “Who am I? Damn it who am I? Who am I?”

“Soojung, no!” You heard me yelling, so you rushed into the room. “Don’t hurt yourself. Please don’t.”
“Let go. I said let go.” I yelled and pushed you away.
“I won’t unless you stop hurting yourself.”
“It’s none of your business. Let go.”
“Yes it is. You’re my girlfriend.”
“But I don’t know you anymore. So let go.” I said and pushed you hard then continued hitting myself.
“Soojung”
“Let go! I said let go!”
“Soojung please stop.”
“Let go! Damn it. Let go!”
“Soojung”

“Miss Jung” Two nurses came in and caught me. “Miss Jung, calm down.”
“Let go!”
“Miss Jung, calm down.”
“Let go!”

After that the doctor came and injected me something. I suddenly felt dizzy and lay down like I was powerless. Then the doctor and the nurses went out.

“Have some more rest Soojung. I’ll be here by your side.” You caressed my hair and gently kissed my forehead. “Everything will be fine. I promise. Just have some rest.”


.
.
…

“Hmm”
“Soojung, you wake up now?” You asked me. I just looked at you a bit while but did not answer.

“Are you thirsty? Wanna drink some water?” You asked. I didn’t answer but just looked away.

“Are you hungry? Or are you bored? Wanna watch TV? Or what else do you want me to do? You can tell me everything.” You kept asking me, trying to break the silence, but once again I didn’t answer.

“Sorry for being so annoying to you.” You said but still tried to smile. “I’ll just sit here silently, and try not to disturb you. But you can tell me if you want me to do anything for you, okay?”

You kept silence but still held my hand. I’m so sorry for being selfish like this, but everything is just too awkward to me. And I don’t know what I should do.

.
.

“My name is Soojung, right?” I finally talked to you.


“Yeah...” You rushed to me. “Yeah, your name is Jung Soojung.”
“Jung Soojung?”
“Yeah, Jung Soojung.” You said and smiled. “And your English name is Krystal.”
“Krystal? But why do I also have my English name?”
“You were born in America, so that’s why.”
“Uhm, were I?” I said trying to think about these all, but there’s nothing in my head.
“Yep.”
“And… And who am I? I mean what was I like? Was I good or bad?”
“Uhm, how will I start? Well, you were a bit shy and quiet. You were a cheerful girl. You loved music and art. And you were not just good… You were the best.” You smiled.
“Really?” I continued. “And… And I’m your girlfriend, right? So how did we meet?”
“We were classmates for several years but then I confessed my love to you on the day we graduated. And you accepted.” You said and smiled even wider, implying how much it makes you happy.

I looked out the window, trying hard to think about those days of us.

“Ah, I almost forget.” You brought out your wallet then showed me something. “These are pictures of us. This is you, and this is me. You’re so cute, you see?”

I looked at them. We were holding each other tight in those pictures. I know we were probably so happy on those days, but I don’t remember anything. I don’t remember how I used to feel about you. My memories of us have all been erased.

“I’m sorry but I don’t remember anything about us.” I continued. “You are a good person. I can feel that well. But I just don’t feel the same about you. I’m sorry.”
“Soojung don’t say that. I love you.”
“But… But I’m not the same Soojung anymore. I don’t even know who I am.”
“I’ll try my best to bring those memories back. Just let me do it, will you?” You looked into my eyes and held my hand tight.

“What if… What if my memories are forever erased…”
“Then I’ll take the best care of you forever. I’ll never give up on you unless you say you don’t really love me anymore.” You continued. “All I need from you is just your trust. Just trust me and give me time… Will you?”

I looked at you. There are tons of doubts inside my head. It’s not just about you but it’s also about myself… and also about this world. But for some reason I just couldn’t reject you. I could feel your strong feeling towards me well and I just really couldn’t break your heart.

“I…” I nodded. “I will… Okay, I will.”
“Thanks. Thanks Soojung. Thanks a lot.” You smiled so wide and held me tight.

I was shock and awkward, and you knew it. So you let go of the hug and held my hand instead.

“Sorry I was just too happy.” You apologized and smiled.
“That’s okay… Sulli.” I smiled back and said your name for the first time. And it made you smile even wider.

“Soojung…” You said my name and gently pulled my hand to your cheek. It was really warm.

You closed your eyes a while then opened your brown eyes and smiled. 

The way you treated me and the way you looked at me is so gentle. Although I don’t remember anything about us, I know you must really love Jung Soojung. I don’t know if I will regain my memories or not. And I don’t really know if I can be the same Jung Soojung whom you used to know. But if you try, I’ll try.

.
.
I’ll try my best, Choi Sulli.

.
.
To be continued…