Youngbae was silently watching as Jiyong was unwillingly munching away on a piece of bread, for nearly twenty minutes now. His fragile frame bent over the table, the skin on his jaws tightened at each chew. Jiyong became frighteningly thin over the past few weeks, so much so that their stylist had to order new stage outfits for him, as they were no longer able to adjust the existing ones to his thinning waist. He made excuses, he said he was too busy lately, which was, indeed, true. He was working full force on Bigbang's new album, simultaneously writing songs for Yongbae's and Seungri's solo and Daesung's upcoming musical project. He was buried under work up to the top of his head and beyond. He literally lived in the studio, not even bothering to go back to the dorms to sleep. 

He lost nearly 10 kg. Which meant all the world, as he had never been exactly full bodied beforehand, either. His bones pierced through the fabric of his t-shirt, it was even painful just to watch it. Youngbae heaved a desperate sigh as Jiyong put the half-finished slice of white bread on his plate and prepared to get up. 

"You're not finishing it? That one bloody slice?"

Jiyong didn't answer, put his plate into the sink and rushed to the bathroom. Youngbae pressed his lips together in despair. The more he wanted to help him the more helpless he became. Jiyong would just shake off all helping hands and attempts, the pride of him being the leader just wouldn't let him do so. All of them were increasingly worried about his health and even President Yang tried to coax Jiyong into "less work more food" - without success. 

-----

Jiyong felt his body shaking as he literaly dropped to the floor next to the lavatory pan and he grabbed the white china with such a strong grip that his knuckles became all white, as he bent over and coughed up the bread he had just swallowed. The turmoil in his stomach gave him nausea, and his head started to spin. It's been a while since he could keep any solid food in his body, in the past few weeks everything he ate ended up in the lavatory pan. he felt his energy levels decreasing, and he became more and more tired, and wanted nothing more than to lie o his bed and sleep. Sleep. Sleep. He wasn't even hungry anymore. He tried to avoid eating in front of his band members, in front of anyone, so that they wouldn't see him run to the toilet and vomit it all up. He sank to the ground and tried to stop the shaking vibrating from his muscles. Even this simple act of having to hold his weight on his arms for a minute or two exhausted him beyond words. 

He suddenly felt strong hands grabbing his shoulders and pulling him up. He was scared to look but he knew it was Youngbae. His friend followed him to the bathroom and possibly saw him throw up... Jiyong closed his eyes for a moment, while Youngbae held his body firmly. 

"Are you okay? Jiyong?", he asked, his voice radiating with worry. Jiyong managed a silent nod but his eyes remained close. He felt like fainting and his knees gave in, prompting Youngbae to hold him more tight and secure not to let him fall. 

"Jesus, Jiyong, what's happening to you? I'm calling the doctor, now"

Jiyong forced his eyes to open and desperately shook his head.

"No, hyung, please. Please. I'll be okay. Just a minute more, I'll be okay..."

"The hell will you be okay, I'm calling the ambulance", Youngbae retorted, and tried to fish his cellphone out of his back pocket without releasing Jiyong from his grip. 

"No need, they can't do... anything", Jiyong whispered and tried to get on his feet and support his own weight. Youngbae felt his heart pounding in terror. 

"What do you mean by that?" When no answer came, he almost shouted his friend's name and Jiyong his dry lips, trying to find his voice in his soar throat. 

"Jesus, you need water", Youngbae whispered in a flush of worry and making sure Jiyong wouldn't fall once he released his grip, he swiftly made his way into the kitchen and poured a glass of cold water. Once Jiyong gulped the liquid down, Youngbae helped him get to his room, onto his bed. He could clearly feel Jiyong's skinny body tremble under his hands. He was now increasingly worried and the fear planted into his head that something wass utterly wrong with his best friend, his childhood friend, hell, his brother.

"Jiyong..."

"It's okay, Bebe", Jiyong gave a faint smile as he cuddled up on his bed, Youngbae kneeling in front of him, his eyes glistening with fear. Jiyong hated himself, hated himself for causing him to worry. He tried to hide it. He tried. But he knew the time would come when his body would give in finally. He was grateful it was Youngbae, who was there when it happened. He heaved a sigh and tried to smile as he finally decided to tell him everything.

"I'm ill, Youngbae"

Youngbae closed his eyes for a split moment. This was what he feared all along. It was coming. He sensed that all this sudden weight loss, his inability to eat was not the result of an overtly busy schedule. His heart fluttered against his ribcage like an insane bird.

"It's a rare type of leukemia, I'm getting medication but I refused to be put in a hospital. The medication doesn't help, anyways. I just want to finish everything I started, I have to finish the albums and Dae's musical, and I want to be able to stand on stage with you guys once more before....". He stopped here, unable to utter the words and just watched in sad silence as his words registered with Youngbae, making him swallow hard and look at him in horror. That's why he didn't want to tell anyone. See their faces, as they realize what it means, see the sadness and the pain in the eyes of his loved ones. 

"Why didn't you tell me... us? Certainly, someone can help! I mean, there are very good physicians, hospitals.... in the US, I'm sure they can cure this disease, it's.... you can't... you can't just simply give up! It's not like you to give up!", Youngbae sprang up shouting in a mad fury. Jiyong closed his eyes. He hated to see Youngbae desperate like this. Desperate over him. 

"I'm not suicidal, Bae. I researched it, I contacted the best doctors, I had all the tests done in the world. Some diseases are not curable... that's how life is... I just... I don't want to die, Younbae. But it will happen. It will, and I'm ready to accept it, as long as I know that my family, my friends can let me go", he whispered and Youngbae felt tears rolling down his face.  "Jesus Christ", he kept repeating without uttering the words.

-----------------------

Daesung, Seungri and Seunghyon found Youngbae crouching on the sofa, his eyes red with the obvious signs of crying, blankly staring into the darkness. He didn't know how long he had been sitting there after Jiyong fell into an exhausted, dreamless sleep. For a while he just sat there beside his bed watching him sleep and he didn't dare getting up. What if he leaves his room and he dies overnight? He sat there for hours, before he could convince himself to get up and move to the living room, limbs numb with pain, pain originating from his heart. He felt heavy, as if someone had placed an oversized stone on his chest, he felt suffocating with the weight of knowing his very best friend was dying in front of his eyes, and he was not able to do anything against it. First he didn't hear his bandmates calling his name and shaking his shoulder when he didn't reply. He slowly lifted his head and when he saw the boys, he couldn't bear it any longer and broke down. His body slid from the couch, curling into a sobbing mess on the carpet, sending the other three men in the room into a despair of worry. 

Daesung tried to lift Youngbae's body from the floor, Seungri helping from the other side, while Seunghyon flicked the light on. Youngbae looked horrible in the piercing light and frightened his friends. The sobs eventually died down and his body began to swing forwards and backwards as he bent over his knees, hiding his red face into his palms.

"Oh my, Bae, what happened?", Daesung whispered, sensing that Youngbae's nervous breakdown was not a light game. 

"He's dying. He's dying. He's dying", Youngbae kept repeating in between sobs and the boys looked at each other frustrated.

"Jiyong's going to die. He's going to die in two months", Youngbae lifted his grief-stricken face and pulled the three boys closer to himself. The news struck the others numb for a moment, and when they realised what the words meant, they hugged each other tight and let their sorrow take over. 

Once the tears ended and Youngbae was asleep in a disturbed dream on the coach, the boys silently sat on the ground, each sunken into his own thoughts. They couldn't believe it was happening. That they were about to lose their leader, their friend. Daesung was silently murmuring a prayer. TOP was sitting at Youngbae's feet, his head tilted downwards, his arms numbly lying next to his body. Seungri was staring at the carpet patterns without any emotion on his face but inside his soul was crumbling and felt tears running into his eyes. Their Jiyong, was about to be gone.

-------

They did everything possible to support him during those weeks. They were taking rounds at night to supervise his sleep, personally took care of the tubing he received to feed him. As he was no longer able to swallow anything, not even liquids, there was no other way to feed him. YG made sure no one knew about the brief operation that installed the feed tube into his stomach, not even the managers knew about his condition. After Youngbae collapsed, it was the maknae, the easygoing, lightheaded maknae, who organized everything, and went up to YG personally to break him the news of Jiyong dying. He told him how much Jiyong didn't want anyone to know, and for once, YG agreed to do what Jiyong wanted. He never showed the feelings, but the boys all knew just how much YG loved Jiyong as if he were his own son, and when Seungri told him the truth he nearly broke down as well. As almost a stepfather to Jiyong since the boy entered his company at the age of 13, he grew to love him immensely and now just wasn't able to think about the times when his "son" would no longer be around. 

The tube feeding, as scary as the process of feeding him like this was, had its positive effect. Jiyong gained enough energy to supervise the finishing of the albums, and wrote more songs for Dae's musical on his laptop. One wish they couldn't fulfill, and that was the concert Jiyong wished to attend so much. He didn't have the strength to leave the confines of his bed, Seunghyon had to carry him even to the bathroom. It was embarrassing at first for both of them, but the eldest hyung just wouldn't let a man-nurse do it, and in the end Jiyong was grateful for this. He was grateful that his friends were beside him. He made them promise that his family would only be called when it was all over. He didn't want to see his parents and sister in pain, it was enough to see his boys' sorrow. He was now painfully skinny, but his eyes still shined like they used to, and he even tried to joke with his boys, to ease the heavy mood that had befallen them. But his energy was vaning, after a couple of weeks, he was no longer able to work on his laptop, and was just numbly lying on the bed, sleeping through most of the day. They all knew it was close now. They still had the night watch shifts every two hours going, each of them srcared to find him dead on entrance. Dae and Youngbae prayed for him all the time. Even Seungri joined them on Sundays in the church, always leaving with wet eyes after the ceremony. They tried to prepare mentally and emotionally for what was coming.

----------
It was a Sunday morning in spring, the air full of flower scent and sunshine when it happened. Youngbae went to wake him up for morning feeding, trying to joke that he prepared special food for his tube. Jiyong faintly smiled at his efforts and firmly grabbed his wrist, when he wanted to attach the tube. 

"Bae, could you call the boys for me, please?", he asked on a  fading voice, smiling, and Youngbae felt tears springing to his eyes. He nodded silently and with heavy steps, walked into the kitchen, where the boys were having breakfast.

"You need to come", he said huskily and the boys all knew what it meant.  They settled down around his bed, not saying a word. He seemed so fragile, so otherworldly, his skin color changed into light gray - the sign of a man drawing his last breaths. He could only whisper now , and the boys were unable to hide their tears. Jiyong couldn't see them silently crying, his eyes were closed, his eyelids were too heavy for him to keep open. 

"I'm so happy... I wanted to... thank you for being my brothers all these years. I couldn't have been luckier... I wanted you to know that I love you all like my own  family, that you will always be my brothers... I want to ask something. I want you to go on, with Bigbang. We will always be one family.... Please go on for me, be better and happier, and remember the good times we had together, promise me... please... promise me..."

"We promise, Jiyong. We love you, you know it right? You know it, brother, right?", Youngbae whispered through his tears. Jiyong faintly nodded and smiled. They watched in tearful silence as his chest ceased to move. The smile remained on his lips, as Seungri stood up and silently covered his body with his favourite patterned bedsheet, covering him head to toe. Only after he left his arms drop to his side, did the maknae break into a feverish sob, collapsing next to the bed. 

Kwong Jiyong was gone.

Their brother was gone forever.