HALLOWEEN NIGHT – 2023.

Her angel costume was tempting under the looks she received. Her white strapless dress covered the right parts and left the rest to the imagination. Her tall black leather boots hugged her long legs and her angel wings that hung from her shoulders were a touch of pure innocence. Her brown hair shone under the neon lights of the club, illuminating parts of her face and her calm smile as she felt the freedom of being able to be someone else. Everything she carried with her was a dangerous combination.

Juliette Daniels was quiet, she liked to read, and she was the complete opposite of who she was at this moment, but being rebellious sometimes felt good to her, because getting rid of the shackles of her last name was like fresh air in her lungs. The world felt oppressive at times, like it was trying to drown her in a life she didn't choose to be a part of. Still, she was a dreamer and she dreams of a calm life – too bad life had other plans for her.

"Hello." A handsome young man dressed like ancient knight sat next to her, placing his own drink on the table. “Are you new here? I think it's the first time I've seen an angel on earth."

His direct flirtation was almost cute, but Juliette was not in the mood for this situation.

“You are very kind, but I am waiting for someone—”

“Oh…” Suddenly, he looked sad. "Your boyfriend."

Juliette found it difficult to speak.

"Yeah."

"Liar!" He laughed. “You thought about it too much. My name is Hyunjin.”

Juliette never liked being surprised like that, but in a club, how are people supposed to know each other?

“Juliette.” She bit her lips. “Look, I don't want to be rude, but—”

“I like your costume, you look very hot in it.”

She sighed.

"Thanks, but-"

“Come on, cutie, I just want to start a conversation–”

“Sorry for the delay, babe.” Juliette recognized his voice instantly and turned to look over her left shoulder, finding her boyfriend dressed as a police officer. "Who is your friend?"

The unwelcome companion leaned back and away from her, his gaze flickering between Juliette and the young man beside her.

“This is Hyunjin.” Juliette tried to be nice and hide her laughter, because the poor young man didn't know where to hide. Shin was imposing because of his height, and that weapon at his waist, although it was fake, must have been scary.

“Sorry, buddy, but my girl already has someone to take her home, is that okay to you?”

Hyunjin swallowed as he stood up from the high chair.

“Yes, I didn't mean to bother you.”

The poor boy left the way he came, finally leaving her alone. When they were alone, among a crowd of people who seem to want to get lost in the shadows and the music of the club, her brow furrows as she observes the path that good Hyunjin left.

“It's disgusting to see that men don't know how to take no for an answer, but the second they find out that a woman is with another man, that's when they draw the line.”

“It's the story of your life, baby.” Shin sat next to her and although Juliette didn't like it, he took a pack of cigarettes out of his pants pocket and lit one. “Maybe if you dressed more decently men wouldn't come for you like lions for a piece of meat.”

The comparison made Juliette frown.

“Are you saying it's my fault men can't take no for an answer? You got to be kidding. Its Halloween, Shin, not April Fools’ Day.”

“I'm just saying that you go around in that suit pretending you're an angel, but no one knows the things you've done.”

Shin took a drag on his cigarette before answering, but Juliette felt the challenge of staring and she wasn't going to lose.

“It's the first time you've pointed out to me the things I've done, things that I only told you because I thought I could trust you.”

“You know you can trust me, baby, but I'm just saying you should stop pretending to be so nice.”

Juliette exhaled the air into her lungs before saying something stupid that she would later regret, keeping her feelings and emotions to herself for the first time in her life.

"I should better go." Juliette stood up from the table taking her purse, waiting for him to say something that would allow them to fix things.

"OK. Call me when you want to act like an adult and talk.”

Suddenly, 4 years seemed like nothing, but it's as if something inside her prevented her from counting the time, the days, the months they were together. Why? The pain somewhere in her body was now numb, as if it were hiding from her to make her ephemerally stronger, until the blow of his words came with the speed of a train and crashed into her most sensitive side, hurting the little girl who still lived inside her.

Juliette nodded and walked away, but the path to the exit is long and suffocating, and each step she took brings her closer to the terrible moment of facing the truth (a truth that she had been keeping for a long time), but then and as always, he had taken away her opportunity to speak. What would it feel like to end a 4-year relationship?

Juliette got to her car and with one pull, she removed the wings from her arms and threw them into the passenger seat to sit in the driver's seat. Suddenly, as she began to drive home, she realized that the tears that had gathered in her eyes fell over the edge of her gaze like the wild rain that imitated her action, sliding coldly down the roof and splashing drops onto the windshield, spreading its pain throughout her body. Is this how it all ends? With ugly and harsh words that came from the same person who once swore to be the happiest man in the world by her side. Words hurt more than a blow, sinking into her stomach until she felt nausea from the bottom of her stomach to the corner of .

The street was empty at that time of night.

Juliette was never negligent of her body or her broken heart, but sometimes a mind full of intrusive thoughts was stronger than the brave words she tried to remember. The rain became wild and she stopped at a red light, and she took the moment to hit the steering wheel to let go of her frustration. Goodbye to the way her parents and her grandfather taught her to manage her emotions.

But life happens in a second, and just at the moment Juliette began to move the car, listening to the whisper in her mind that told her to be careful, a red car on the opposite highway loses control and entered her path.

That was her moment, that's how she would go.

Under the incessant rain, Juliette closed her eyes, and darkness took place.

 

FEBRUARY – 2024

Juliette.

“Anyone can fall blindly in love, but few people can see another person's heart without using their eyes.”

My grandfather told me that when I was a little girl, but his words now are cruel irony. I would like to say that I remained the same, that despite the change of season my heart endured over time and remained as one, but that would be lying to you and I don't want to start my story with a lie. Without blame or sentence, I changed with the new season, and I can say that my heart froze with the arrival of winter in Seoul. I have never been a pessimistic, glass-half-empty person, but it is difficult and challenging to stay the same when everything is constantly changing. I am another petal being swayed by the wind, even when in my best moments I wanted to be a whole tree, strong to remain firm on the ground. It's hard to stay steady over time when it seems like everything is constantly spinning out of control, as if everything is one step away from exploding.

Going 70 percent blind was not progressive, but rather it came with the speed of a train and crashed hard into me. The changes as a result of that were hard, challenges that I still don't know how to take. Most people say one step at a time, but it's hard to take one step when you hit a wall the next. I'm not completely blind, but I don't know how to handle myself now either. Now, happiness and joy, both are such a closed circle that they left me outside, on the other side of the door where the relentless climate only does its job of freezing bodies. Constantly needing help is the worst part now, a “friendly” hand to hold me all the time, a warm body to stay by my side because there are things I can no longer do on my own.

On those waves, we drift together
Times when everyone seemed happy
And I was the only one struggling
Times when I was happy
And others were lonely in the long night
Since we resemble each other
We can embrace each other wordlessly, we do, we do

The eternal cycle around the sun, the wind
The clouds, the rain, and the sea
Between spring, summer, fall and winter
All the greetings and the farewells have been the same

Sitting in the swivel chair in front of my desk, I dictate to my computer what comes from my soul at 5 in the morning and after two sleepless nights. My melon-colored walls give the place a little warmth, but it's a room that feels like a prison now, and I, like a prisoner who, despite not having committed a crime, chooses to sit alone in the solitude of her cell. It's exhausting, like a short, hard melody that repeats itself every day and every moment until it drives me crazy. But it's addictive too. There's something addictive about feeling sorry for myself, and that's fine for me, but other people feeling sorry for myself is inevitable and I hate it. From my current position, I have the right to feel like I hate things, right?

“Juliette?”

My little brother's voice drowns out the words I'm dictating, silencing me completely. I miss seeing his smiling face despite the inclemencies that may happen to us because at 6 years old, Ethan always sees the glass half full because all he has known at his young age has been happiness. That's the only thing I've tried to give him since he was born to brighten my existence. However, all I have now is a blurry image of him. Like a blurred photograph, it's how I see the world now.

He enters my room and stops in front of me, I know this because I can feel his bare feet and his body radiating heat when he is so close. His smell is also unmistakable: he smells like baby shampoo, talcum powder and chamomile. I can only imagine his brown hair disheveled by the hour, his blue eyes like the sky on a spring day and the calm of the sea, and his childish smile that used to put a smile on my face.

“What happened, baby?”

"I had a nightmare. Can I sleep with you?"

I frown in confusion.

“And why don't you go with mom and dad?”

“Mom hugs me until I'm drowning and even though he says no, dad farts.”

I laugh, and at this point, I'm surprised that I haven't forgotten how to do it.

"Alright. Lie down on the bed, I’ll be over in a minute.”

I literally don't see it coming, but Ethan walks up to me and kisses me on the cheek before walking over to the messy bed, and I imagine he wraps himself in the covers to go back to sleep. With a presence in my room, I end today's writing session until I am once again alone with my sometimes messy thoughts. I'm not sleepy despite being sleep deprived for two days, but, with my arms outstretched to feel everything around me, I take 4 steps and go back to bed. It's still night during this time of year, and I crawl under the quilt to try to sleep.

But my thoughts race with the speed of a bullet from a gun I never fired, and it is now that taking sleeping pills becomes tempting, but I choose not to do it yet. Like a baby bird, Ethan approaches me and seems to silently ask me to shelter him with my warmth. And that's what I do, I hug him so that he feels protected and loved, so that at least one of us can have a nice dream.

I can see blurry when everything is a few inches from my face. When I wake up, I reach for my phone with my hand and find it on the nightstand. I squint at the time, and see that it's 9:48 in the morning and Ethan is no longer with me. I imagine he has returned to his room.

Like repeating the same day every day, I make my bed and lie back on it. The days become long and exhausting when life no longer makes sense and the sky no longer shines for me. I spend my days in solitude, feeding it little by little with the little I do to get through the day. I write, write and write. I write to not go crazy, to catharsis what happened to me. An injustice as Sophia says, because what is the sense of justice in what happened to me? I know and can feel that the edge of my eyes was colored a pale pink, and the trace of my pathetic attempt at crying made me ashamed of myself, because even if I turned into a concrete wall right now, my tears would find an exit through some crack.

I can't even cry. I give up my rebellious cause, and decide to continue writing so as not to faint.

Even though memories go away, something remains
My childhood dreams of the emerald green world
Even without words, something is written
Hearts that gave love without any special reason

It takes me a moment to write this paragraph, but the song is taking shape, and I'm glad to know that it will soon be a real song.

Someone knocks on my door.

"Come in!"

The door is behind me and I don't bother to turn because the same people come into my room day after day, but hearing his voice calling my name sends an electricity through my body.

"Hi, Angel."

Still sitting in the swivel chair, I turn around to somehow see a shadow still lingering at the entrance. I frown because it has been years since I heard his voice in person, and it has changed, more masculine, totally different from when we were children.

“Jinki?”

I can bet he's smiling because that's how he always was.

“It's been a while, hasn't it?”

"Years. What are you doing here?"

I hear his footsteps approaching.

“Your parents invited mine to breakfast.”

Jinki sits on the chair next to me and places something on my desk, I can feel it because that chair makes a small sound under the weight of anyone.

“They haven't been invited here in years." I say. That's because I asked mom not to. "You usually see each other at mom’s restaurant.”

"I know. I brought you breakfast.”

I squint at the tray next to my mouse, but it's just a blurry image.

"What are you doing here?"

“You already asked me that.” He laughs, a masculine laugh. “I wanted to take advantage of the invitation to see you, because I think your phone is broken because you didn't answer any of my calls after your…”

The word hangs in the air, uncomfortably.

“After my accident. You can say it, it's not a dirty word. Besides, I'm blind but I haven't lost my memory so I remember it well.” I don't see him, but I know he's uncomfortable with my unfiltered words because from when we were kids until the last time we saw each other, I always managed to make him uncomfortable and then I would make fun of it. “Relax, I'm just playing with you.”

Jinki lets out the breath he was holding and laughs.

“Are you going to play with me until we are old?”

For that we would have to always see each other, and after this time, I plan to move on with my life and never hear from my first love again.

“For that we would have to see each other every day.” I laugh and turn my attention to my computer, but with him here, I don't dictate any words to it again. “Thank you for breakfast, but I'm not hungry.”

There is a dead silence between us for a few seconds.

“Is that what you tell your heart to calm your stomach? Here, eat.”

I can see a blurry image of a sandwich because he places it close to my face. I sigh, because if he was as insistent as he was when we were kids, it's a lost cause to say no. That's why I take the sandwich from his hands and cut it in half.

"Eat."

“I already had breakfast down there with your parents.”

But I know him well, and from what Sophia has told me about him and his radical change, I know that is a lie.

“Is that what you tell your heart to calm your stomach? Here, eat.”

After a few long seconds, Jinki takes the piece of sandwich and I feel him eat.

“I don't like you using my words against me.” He says, and I laugh with my mouth full.

“Then don't give me any reason to use them.”

Jinki laughs.

I met Jinki when he was 10 and I was 7, when Mom started her first restaurant here in Seoul and worked with his parents' butcher shop, and the rest was history. We were friends until he turned 16 when he entered the SMENT academy, and between his classes and rehearsals, we moved away from each other. It was sad but necessary, and when he debuted and his group gained recognition and rose to be what they are today, I knew it had all been worth it. There were incessant calls from him and rejection from me, because I didn't want to be the reason for his distraction, because he seemed distracted from his life as an idol when it came to me. He was always a good friend, but at some point in my life, I wanted to be more than his friend.

Crazy, I know, but the heart wants what it wants. Then I met Shin, and Jinki stopped calling.

“What are you doing in my sister's room?” Suddenly, I hear Ethan's voice from the door, petrified.

“I see you've already met my brother…” I giggle and hold out my hand for him to take it, and within two seconds, Ethan is pressed against my body. I imagine he's looking at Jinki suspiciously. “I guess mom introduced you to Jinki, baby. Do you remember I once told you that I had a best friend when I was little?”

“He's in your room and you never let anyone in your room, Juls.”

“Hey, don't be rude when we have company.” I reprimand him gently, because ever since he started talking, Ethan was always overprotective of me like my older brother was. “Where are you going with that backpack?”

“Today is my soccer team's final, but I think dad forgot... again.”

I hug him close to me to make him feel better, but when an idea suddenly occurs to me, I dare to be brave after months of confinement. I would do anything for my little brother, even if it meant leaving my comfort zone and exposing myself to other people's eyes.

“Don't worry, baby, because good Jinki here is going to take us to your game. Right, Jinki?”

I can't see him well, but I don't need my eyes to know that he's looking at me with a surprised expression on his face.

“Yes… I mean, of course!”

What would come after that, you won't believe me.

**********

Hello! First chapter here. If you made it to the end, thank you, I really appreciate it. I hope you liked the chapter, I will continue uploading them even if no one reads them hehe. If there are any errors, I'm sorry, I will try to fix them immediately. See you in the next chapter. XOXO - V.