White!
Brilliant, immaculate white! I haven't seen you wear that colour since our wedding.  Glimpses of that day filter through, mixing with the present  and I see no difference despite the passing of time. You still look innocent and young, much younger than the years you carry on your soul. Especially when you laugh happily as you look at me while putting your shoes on!   And I stand there, in wonder for the millionth time, unable to comprehend how it is that you do it.  How you can turn my darkest thoughts, absorb them into your being and filter them back to me into this shining light. 


White!
Like the first snow of the year, crisp and fresh and brand new! Because today I needed to feel clean.  Because it was my aunt's favourite colour. Because I miss her and the others that I carry around in my heart. Because we needed a fresh start!
So I chose White for today. From the comfy crop top to the soft, wide legged high waisted jeans, to the immaculate trainers. An all white outfit that feels so comfortable and fresh, you can almost smell the fabric softener just by looking at it. I can see the surprise on your face and it makes me burst out laughing. I missed laughing. It's good to come back to this feeling after everything.  You're still standing there, staring, lost in your own thoughts, so I have to grab your hand to get you out the door. And I keep laughing and saying God knows what so I can drown out the fear inside of me. The fear that hasn't left me since that night a few months ago. The fear that I refuse to let you see because you have enough to worry about right now.



White!
Blinding white lights of the cameras as they track our way through the airport. A sea of bright flashes accompanied by this great buzzing, like a colony of angry locusts.  Your hand in mine feels smaller than usual,  or is it just my anxiety distorting my senses? As we hurriedly make our way through the airport, I can't tell if it's me leading you or the other way around.  Perhaps it's neither. Perhaps i'm holding onto you because you're the only thing grounding me in the here and now. Perhaps I'm afraid to admit that without you I might disappear under the dark waters within myself.  So I tighten my grip on your hand as we go.


White!
The floor of the airport is such a sparkling white, a feat seemingly impossible for such a circulated area. I focus on the tips of my trainers eating away at the space on those tiles in an attempt to avoid the flashing cameras that hurt my eyes. I can feel your anxiety pouring through you, your hand squeezing mine a confirmation of the fact. So I quicken my steps to try and get you out of the fray faster. I don't like all these people crowding you. Especially after what happened that night.


White......
....it disappeared for a moment, blocked by your dark hair that suddenly obscures my vision.  The world tilts on it's back and I'm blinded again by a different type of white, the lights in the celling this time.
Before I can understand what happened, the weight registers first, then the wetness.
Someone is there, trying to help me get up. As I reach my hand to grab him, I realise , as the numbness spreads through my body, the white....... it's not there anymore.


White.......
.....a different shade from the others. A glimmer really, barely there, colder than the rest of it. Something I might have missed had I not been looking downwards. It caught my attention for a split second and then.....
I frown as I struggle to remember then what?  I can't focus, for some reason. And the noise.....it's too loud! So loud I can't hear myself thinking. And yet, everything seems muffled somehow. I can't make out what people are saying.  Why can’t I focus?
I realise I have been looking at the ceiling when your pale face suddenly hovers above me.  You're talking but I can't hear what you're saying. I try to tell you but no coherent sound comes out. I want to reach for you, to wipe that scared look off of your face but my body won't move. 
My vision narrows to you and only you, and that's when I see the red splattered over you. My worst nightmare come to life?
No. No. Because you're standing. You're talking. Unlike in my nightmare, you're alive.  I'm frustrated that I can't hear you. I hate to see you so terrified! I try to smile to reassure you as a freezing wave of cold sweeps over my body. And that's when I understand it. This isn't my........


Nightmare!
This has to be a nightmare! I frantically cling to this vain hope because I refuse to accept the reality. Even as I watch the white of your shirt being consumed by the constantly spreading of red, my hands incapable of containing it. I'm saying things, though, if you asked me, I wouldn't know what. I just feel my mouth moving as my shaking hands try to stop all the red. My throat is raw, I think I've been screaming. And the tremor in my body builds up like a tsunami as I'm unable to fight the  terror that seizes me. Because this can't be reality. Not mine! Not yours!
Someone pries me off and I don't even realise I’m fighting them until I see the paramedics next to you. My own heartbeat is too loud inside my ears and I struggle for breath as I watch helplessly, sending prayers to gods I never believed in until now.



Red!
When did all the white turn to red?  It's everywhere now. It was on you, it's on the shirt this stranger cuts a piece of and tosses aside. I realise it's mine and I want to protest because I'm cold. The kind of cold I used to get when I had a high fever, that freezing from the inside out that all the blankets couldn't make go away. And that reminds me of mom, with the bitter medicine that I hated but that would inevitably make the cold go away.
My eyes focus back to the present and I want to cry, because this isn't mom. It's a stranger. I'm surrounded by strangers and I want to cry, just like my first day of school. I always hated being alone!
As my gaze manages to slide between the two strangers, I can see you, one of the bodyguards at your back, holding you into a sitting position. 
A sense of calm sweeps over me, the cold all but forgotten, now that I reassure myself you're alright. You're safe.
The day I married you I vowed to honour you and be faithful to you, to make you happy and to be with you in sickness and in health. I vowed all that out loud. But you didn't know that I also silently vowed to protect you. Which sparks my brain to start that song from the weekend "I would die for you" . I want to laugh because it's one of our favourite songs. Because I managed to keep my promise to myself. Because you're alive! Because I can see my mom and my aunt and everyone else again.
I just wish I could wipe that sorrow off your face.
Just focus on all the white, my heart! My love, my darling, my beloved.....