FRANKIE

Causing one's own heartbreak to save others the pain is as noble as a tornado extinguishing a forest fire.

The ending credits of the film flashed in front of my mind's eye; the slow ascend of the letters from the bottom of the screen briefly sallied my headspace as the list of names popped in contrast to the otherwise empty black screen. I remember the short film we made for our senior year project that we've lost sleep over making, filming, and editing, which was worth it because it had gotten us the best grade from our adviser. But more than just a final project, that film was also a last ditch attempt of a love confession that nearly became the cause of my falling out with my childhood best friend. It was a testament to his quiet love that had unfortunately remained unspoken until the inevitable end, ultimately turning into a time capsule of something that wouldn't die, at least not easily, because there's a reason a person's first love becomes their greatest love. First anything tends to leave an indelible mark on our lives and make homes in our memories. That's why I could almost finish Rome's sentence for her as she reminisced the first time she fell in love.

"We were actually best friends growing up," she said in a faraway voice. "Cliche, I know. I lost my heart to my best friend. But yeah, it started as something casual and mundane, almost naive. And unsurprisingly typical, like an overused movie trope."

I made a joke referring to that one infamous quote from a movie in the late 90's, reenacting the scene through voice-over word for word because I have it memorized. Rome also apparently knew which exact line it was, promptly joining me in playing out the scene like we're in a speech choir. I tapped the soundboard activating a laugh track that amplified the caller's hysterics. She sniffled and sighed in between chuckles and sobs; she was crying mere moments ago before I asked her the age-old question, 'where did the hurt began'. I wanted to know when exactly had everything started to go south.

"...I'm so stupid to make the biggest mistake of falling in love with my best friend!"

The tear-stricken words of the girl in the bus' television rang through my head as if I could still hear her over the noise of the expressway outside and the chatting of the passengers inside. Of course, it helped that the movie playing on the screen is one of my favorites, starring my favorite love team ever on top of that, that I could still probably make out the words even if the whole thing was on mute. But that was all I had in my arsenal—my memory—against everything that was going on around me that was making the leisurely watch such a chore. I wanted to keep my attention on Ned's reaction to what Bujoy has just said, but my mind kept slipping towards the couple next to me. In desperation, I tried to get Mia to notice me by tapping at her shoulder beyond the backrest of the seat in front of me. She only threw me a quick glance, pointed to Ethan beside her, smiled a sympathetic tight-lipped smile, before turning away once more. Alongside her, making the perfect safety sandwich for our inconsolable friend was Jords, who, sitting next to the window, was practically in a separate world of his own, completely engrossed by his phone. My eyes inadvertently fell on the pair occupying the three-seater row with me: I sat closest to the middle isle just like Mia, while the person next to me was Raj, and the one by the window was his boyfriend, Harvey. A perfectly normal set-up for a friend group on their way to a resort somewhere in the province, because one of their friends has just had their heart broken and is in dire need of a quick getaway. To the outside world, no one will truly know how uncomfortable this situation is. Imagine sitting next to someone you've had a confusing situationship with for three months but have been pining for for over a decade, while his current boyfriend is right beside him. They're completely in love and unaware of my presence while I try my best to look everywhere else but them, and failing miserably. I don't know what kind of atrocities I've committed in my past life to be punished like this.

I think the best friend curse has slowly spread across this unfortunate friend group of mine, because I know for a fact that Bujoy's words have struck a nerve not just for me, but for Ethan as well. It's the reason why we're here anyway. An impromptu reunion, years after we parted at our high school graduation and exactly one year after we've all gotten our college bachelor's degrees, randomly suggested by our boy Ethan and organized by Mia in a moment's notice. It was a miracle she was able to get a hold of each of us, much more so finding the perfect date when everyone's schedules were free. Initially, I had thought it was a good idea. We're getting away from the hecticness of our fresh-graduate-and-on-the-hunt-for-a-job schedules, and it's our first reunion after years of not seeing each other, at least not as the complete group; but who could've predicted that the beach resort available to be booked on the last minute would be Raj's boyfriend? Had I known, I probably would've passed up on the trip. But then again, I don't think Mia, nor Ethan, and probably even Jords, and maybe, partly, just a little bit, also Raj, would have let me escape. Mia's persistence and Ethan's guilt-invoking "Are we not that important to you anymore, Frankskie? The city has already changed you" would have surely been used as a tactic. In any of these scenarios, I'd still have relented and gone on the trip with them, regardless of the circumstance I'm going to endure the whole time. Ignoring the thumping of my heart and the tightness in my throat, I focused on my movie once again to drown out the sound of my worries.

"You said you love me, but you can't fight for the love you have for me? You wanted to make sure? Ned, you're not just a coward. You're selfish," said Bujoy before hopping in the car and driving off, her words continuously fading in the background of my thoughts. I tried my best to enjoy the rest of the film, but my mind has already wandered off, and I was left there, sat inside a bus, stuck in a long traffic, thinking to myself, had any of it been real, or was I just confusing my life with movie reels? Because mine is a story that seems more made up than fiction, it almost feels like a joke.

The sound of roaring vehicle engines driving by snapped me back into reality. A supercut of splices of scenarios from all the years we've known each other had been playing over my head while Raj rambled on with his argument. 

"What?" he asked over the sound of motorcycles.

I told him, "Nothing. I said nothing."

I was worried that I had spoken my thoughts out loud, that I had let my innermost secret escape my mouth after keeping it hidden for so long, but it was a good thing that he didn't catch it even if I had. I might have said something— "Gea did it for me, Raj," —or I might not have. I was thinking it, that's for sure. Gea knew. She kept that truth from everyone as if it were her own. She was the only one to know, to ask me about it, to tell me it's okay I felt that way for Raj. She promised not to say anything until I felt like I was ready. She didn't want to overstep or intervene. She said it was all up to me. I was the one who told her I couldn't, I shouldn't, because Raj and I are friends, and our connection means a lot to me.

That level of deep trust didn't happen overnight. I couldn't betray a bond like that so selfishly.

If I were to retrace my steps back from my current predicament all the way to the start, I'd say it began with a game of hide and seek. I was always better than Raj in the game, given that he's taller and had always had a hard time finding hiding spots. He's that one kid who goes home whenever he loses because he feels like we're cheating. I could always find where he is, but he always struggled figuring out where I hid, and he didn't like that. He didn't like that I was so good at hiding, that for the longest time, he had no idea that I could hide other things from him too. I could play hide and seek with my feelings for him, if it meant our friendship remained solid.

It happened without me realizing. Feelings had blossomed unexpectedly in ways I didn't know was possible. It just was. No reason. No explanation. I was, quite literally, lovestruck. And with the realization came the shame that had followed right after. For the longest time I was scared of how I felt, so for the longest time I tried to suppress it with logic.

Falling in love with my best friend since childhood out of nowhere? That's absurd. I don't even know what I see in Raj. He's stubborn. He's moody and temperamental. He can get bossy if things don't go his way. He's also broody and pretends to be all mysterious when he's the easiest person to figure out. Plus, he likes listening to that late-night radio program so much so that I had to listen to it too just so we can talk about it in the morning!–

What I mean is I didn't even know something like that could happen in real life. I didn't know I was vulnerable to that. I thought I knew what love was. I always had an idea, and I used to think it was pretty simple. You love someone, so you take a chance on them. You give it all you've got. If you feel it, say it. Own up to it. I have proven now that these things are truly easier said than done. When I first recognize that I was beginning to see Raj in a different way, all I saw was the fear. I was instantly disillusioned. I have always believed that love would be a good thing, that it would bring me to happy places. Instead, I felt trapped and forced to hide myself. And the saddest part about it was, I simply knew I just wasn't meant to be the one Raj would love.

Because if I was, he would have already did.

I couldn't have predicted that Raj will fall in love with Gea. But when he started showing interest in the newbie Junior transfer student in our school, who happened to also be our new classmate, it wasn't even as if a bucket of ice water had poured over me—it felt like I was standing beneath a huge and harsh waterfall that beat me up as it drowned me. If Raj could ever love me, he would have already did. I had been there the whole time. He was always free to show it, to feel it. He was always just an arm's distance away from figuring it out—but he never did. That's when it became clear to me, it just wasn't supposed to be.

So I had to make a choice, and of course I chose our friendship. At least in that way, I could still love him all the same.

"Do you like Gea, Frankie?"

I know he didn't mean it that way, but when Raj said that, it felt like he was cursing me. He made me feel like I was trying to take something from him—like I was standing in the way of his happiness. God knows how much I wanted to just make Gea accept and return his feelings, because I didn't want to see him in pain like this, but I couldn't just put that burden on Gea. It's not fair to her to carry all those weight, not for anyone, but especially not for me. And I knew that Gea just wasn't into Raj that way, but he's too blind to see. He's too full of himself and hung up on his own emotions that he couldn't understand even the simplest no.

But again, I didn't want to be the one to say it. I didn't...want Raj to hate me.

"Frankie, we should go to the Prom together."

"Why? Why me?"

I didn't mean to sound so panicked when Gea brought it up. We were walking along the school yard going to the canteen when she randomly asked me. I knew what her answer would be, but I still couldn't help myself. Raj had already had some suspicions that he shouldn't even be having in the first place, and Gea and I going to the prom together would only reinforce it. 

"Aren't you going to wait for Raj to ask you out first?"

"Frankie." Gea said it patronizingly, like she was talking to a toddler who played with the open tap again even after being told not to for the nth time. "Come on, now. You know I can't. He's not going to listen to me when I tell him no anyway."

I nodded at this, sighing slowly. "He's so annoying. I'm sorry you're going through that, G."

"Unless you want to ask him to prom?" she suggested. It was innocent and well-meaning, I know. But still, I felt pressured. "Don't you think it's about time you own up to your feelings for him?"

"It's not that simple," I told her.

"Because of me," she said, clearly offended. 

"No," I responded truthfully. "Because of him. Raj is notoriously short-sighted. When you throw him a curve ball like that, he'd lose his mind. Maybe he'll end up saying things he didn't mean to say, doing something drastic that would hurt the both of us. I don't want to experience all that hassle, G."

"So you made me go through that hassle instead, right?"

"Oh, bestie. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry!" I pleaded with her exaggeratedly, half-joking and half-serious. She laughed at my antics. We were victims of the same disaster and we've learned to cope together.

"Okay. Okay, bestie. Shucks, you look really pitiful!" She patted my shoulders, comforting me for a second, before pushing me away playfully afterwards. "I'm only doing this because you're so pathetic. Whatever would you do without me, huh, Frankie? You're the most outrageously stupid in love, only Raj comes second to you. That's how bad you got it." 

"Fine. Roast me then," I rolled my eyes, faking my annoyance. She was right, and I will always appreciate her real-talking me even if her words cut deep most times.

"Love you, bestie! Mwah! Mwah," she said while puckering her lips at me.

"Plastic!" I scoffed as I shook my head and rolled my eyes again.

And Prom did come, and soon it was over. Not only that, but the last few months of our final year in high school went by quickly and quietly like a thief in the night. It was as if nothing had happened. Everything was the same, even Raj, which terrified me and plagued my nights and days. During our graduation, the gang bid goodbye to our dearest Gea, who would be on her flight back to Daraga come the next morning. Gea hosted a despedida party at their house and invited all five of her bestest high school friends that she couldn't contest because she didn't have a choice in the matter anyway. As usual, Ethan and Mia were still bickering, with Ethan still being the pain in the he always was. Jords was joining the banter when he's not lost in his own world. And Gea was still looking out for me even during the last moments she's going to spend with us before the move.

The only thing that changed that stood out to me was Raj being distant to Gea...and me. In fact, he was more quiet than Jords or even I ever were.

"Raj is sulking, grabe. I've never seen him like that before," said Gea who pulled me to the kitchen to talk about it quietly and away from the rest. We pretended to wash the dishes by the sink to make our gossiping less obvious. I'm worried Mia would get a hint and join in on us, blowing our cover we've managed to protect for this long. I can't slip up now. Not when Gea's about to go. The least we can do for our friend is to make her farewell party remain sacred and free of drama. It's about her, not me and my stupid feelings. And it's certainly not about Raj. I've learned to ignore him whenever he gets like that. Because what I am supposed to