Without you, life seems so cold. It’s like all the colour has drained from the world and the smile has slipped from my face. I always knew things would turn out this way. I tried my best to prepare myself for the fall, but how can you prepare yourself if you don’t know when it’ll happen? Except, I guess I did. I was the one who caused this, I guess I should’ve known from the second I spoke my feelings aloud that the only way this could end was disaster.

I took a huge risk when I told you how I felt, and it’s torn my world apart. Knowing that you don’t want to be near me is like a knife to the chest. Only, I wish it really was a knife to the chest, right now an escape sounds perfect.

You used to light up my days with your beaming smile, but now all I see is your back turned away from me; you don’t even want to acknowledge my existence. If I had known that having feelings like these could be such a crime, I would have squashed them long ago. But every time you hugged me, or touched me arm, or flashed your bright smile at me, I felt myself falling deeper in love with you.

I did my best to hide it, I even found myself a girlfriend. We’re still together, I guess I didn’t want to lose her too even though I’ve never loved her. And sometimes I catch you looking over at me and part of me wants to believe you miss me. I miss you. I miss you so much I can’t sleep any more; I wear sunglasses to hide the bags that makeup can’t conceal.

I was always told I was good at hiding my emotions and that I was a good actor, I was commended on my performance in Huh Gak Hyung’s music videos even. But now my life has become an act, my icy exterior masking the raw boiling emotions underneath. Even those close to me believe the act I put up. Not you though, I know you can see through it, or at least I’d like to tell myself that.

You were always the one who understood me, even when we met and I didn’t like you. I thought you were too loud, too obnoxious, the very features I came to love about you. The day you helped me grieve I opened my heart to you, and it’s been left open to you ever since. I wish I could close it, but I love you too much.

There were times I was sure you felt the same, I could feel it. But evidently I was wrong, and my belief and hope for your returned feelings became my downfall. Perhaps you were and still are in denial, or maybe it’s me who’s in denial. Perhaps I’ve gone crazy, although I probably went crazy a long time ago.

My heart twists every time I see you close to someone else, or every time a fanfiction about you and someone else pops up on our fancafe. My life has become solitarily pouring my emotions into lyrics, and clinging to the last of the fanfictions fans write about us. Since I got a girlfriend there’s been a lot less, I guess that’s the downside to dating someone that’s not you. She’ll know the truth one day, or so I keep telling myself as it’s the only way to lighten this burden of lies.

Cold, alone, hurt and full of lies; it’s a very apt description of my life without you. You’re still here, still around, but you’re not with me. Not even as a friend, and barely as a band mate. I’ve lost count of the nights I’ve silently cried into my pillow just because I feel so alone. The other members still talk to me, or at least they try. But I don’t feel like talking any more.

I don’t feel like doing anything. I’m so numb yet full of swirling and destructive emotions. I’m breaking down and I can’t cope any more. I’m lost in this world because I don’t fit any more.

Maybe you’ll miss me when I’m gone.

I’m so sorry.