Conflicted is how Chaewon currently feels with her situation. She stood there, dumbfounded by the sudden invitation of the person that had been messing with her thoughts lately. Chaewon could still feel the confusion that she had felt when Kazuha texted her, ‘Are you busy, unnie? Can we meet?’ As soon as she realized that Kazuha never seemed to provide further context as to why she wanted to meet in the first place, she could never find herself to sit still and had thoughts running around until it was time for them to meet. So here she was standing and waiting for Kazuha to say something. 

 

Chaewon often wondered how she found herself diving deep into the series of ‘what if's’ that continued to loom around her thoughts, but there’s one question that no matter what she did, she could never erase it.

 

It would be a lie if Chaewon were to say that not once had she thought about what it would be like to be loved by Kazuha, about what it would be like to have Kazuha’s arms wrapped around her, about what it would be like to have someone like Kazuha as hers, the ‘what if’ that never seemed to leave her thoughts led to a point where she thought, ‘could there be an us?’

 

It was easy to dismiss such thought, but it continued to linger. It lingered no matter where she was and what she was doing. She knew the answer, so why couldn’t her heart accept it and move on from the pestering thought? She knew it was unlikely. Too unlikely. Kazuha was sweet, considerate and kind. Having her near Chaewon felt soothing, however she couldn’t consider herself as special when she knew everyone tied to Kazuha also got to see this side of her.

 

But how could she not fall when Kazuha’s smile was as warm as the sunset? How Kazuha’s words of reassurance melted away her worries and fears. Kazuha’s presence made Chaewon feel as though she could be herself, that there was no reason for her to hide in the shadows. However, the aching truth that the way Kazuha was treating her was just like how she would treat her close friends and the thought only continued to fester like an open wound that refused to heal.

She wasn’t special, she could never be special to the younger girl when she knows that the way Kazuh’s treating her now, is just simply how she treats everyone else. 

 

The thought itself feels like a stab straight to heart.

 

“Unnie, there’s something I need to tell you.” Kazuha blurted out so suddenly, her eyes sparkling with excitement. Butterflies flew quickly inside Chaewon as her breath hitches. What could Kazuha possibly tell her?

 

No amount of thoughts could ever prepare Chaewon as Kazuha’s words were swift and merciless,

 

“There’s someone I like unnie, what should I do?”

 

Chaewon’s smile drops, she feels the floor slowly melting as Kazuha finally tells her the reason why the younger girl had invited her so suddenly. She feels as though all the hope that was slowly piling up, were being thrown and discarded as if they were scraps of rubbish. 

 

The younger girl quickly realized how sudden she had blurted the fact. Clearing , Chaewon took notice with Kazuha’s hands that were fidgeting on the hem of her hoodie. It was clear that Kazuha was embarrassed with suddenly blurting out such information to Chaewon.

 

“I’m sorry for not telling you immediately, unnie.” This seemed to pull Chaewon out of her thoughts as she looked at Kazuha. Looking straight into those eyes, Chaewon is once more falling. She shook her head as she opened to say something, but words were stuck on the tip of her tongue. 

 

Kazuha could only nervously look at Chaewon, afraid as to how the older girl would react. After what felt like the longest minute in Chaewon’s life, she manages to whisper softly, “why are you apologizing?” Her response surprised Kazuha as her eyes widened upon hearing Chaewon’s response. 

 

“I thought,” she paused for a second, she seemed afraid that if Chaewon were to know her reason the older girl would react negatively, “that you would feel betrayed when I didn’t tell you sooner that there’s a person I like.”

 

A small bitter smile appears on Chaewon’s features as she feels her chest tightening. It hurts, but Chaewon had to make sure to be supportive of Kazuha. She knew that it was inevitable for Kazuha to eventually fall for someone, someone that isn’t Chaewon. She knew the risk, but she chose to run straight ahead despite the warning signs that were right in front of her. “I would never be disappointed,” she starts, putting a hand on Kazuha’s shoulder. “Feelings should be something to take time in thinking, besides–” 

 

Chaewon bit her lip, the answer stuck on the tip of her tongue. It wouldn't change anything, would it? She already knew. If the Japanese girl had never told her, she would’ve continued to hopelessly fall for Kazuha who was already falling for someone else, but she couldn’t say that out loud so she sighs. “-you’re not obligated to tell me anything you know.” She fought back the urge to let her features paint a genuine smile when she saw Kazuha pouting.

 

“I just thought that it’s a bit rude for me to blurt out something as sudden as this.” Oh how precious Kazuha was to Chaewon that couldn’t help but pat Kazuha’s cheeks. “It’s not rude of you to not tell me everything,” Although I’m glad you told me this. “This is in terms of your feelings for someone, you’re not supposed to be rushing in telling me this.” Chaewon reassured Kazuha. A subtle smile appears on Kazuha’s features as she leans closer to Chaewon’s touch.

 

‘Don’t add more meaning to this, she likes someone else.’

 

Chaewon had to constantly remind herself that before until now, all of Kazuha’s actions were purely platonic. Never was there a time that it had been beyond such. The whole world seemed to lose its color the more Chaewon listened to Kazuha talking about the mysterious lucky person. Without realizing, her vision became blurry and soon enough tears left her eyes. “U-unnie, are you okay?” Worried, Kazuha immediately handed her tissues that came with the table which they were currently situated in. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just glad that there’s someone you finally like.” A choked laugh escaped Chaewon. Her voice sounded hollow, even to her own ears. Kazuha beamed, oblivious to the storm raging within the older girl. “Is that so?” she giggled, “I didn’t think it would move you to tears.” She joked, Chaewon had to laugh along in order to ignore the ache that slowly became unbearable to her.

 

“Who is this person anyways?” Chaewon dared to ask. Kazuha's blush only confirmed Chaewon's worst fears. It wasn't her who made the younger girl giggle like that, not her who inspired those shy glances. The ache in her chest twisted, a thousand needles pricking at her heart. “She’s in your class, actually.” She turned away.

Kazuha's revelation hit Chaewon like a wave, a mixture of emotions crashing against her heart. She forced a smile, hiding the turmoil within. “Well, if I were you, I’d better make my move then," she teased, hoping the pain wouldn't seep through her words.

 

Kazuha's eyes sparkled with excitement once again, oblivious to Chaewon's inner struggle. “I will, unnie! I just wanted to share it with you first because you're important to me.”

 

Chaewon nodded, fighting back the tears threatening to escap once more. She couldn't bear to let Kazuha see her vulnerability. “I appreciate that, Kazuha. I'm here for you, no matter what.”
 

As they continued talking about Kazuha's crush, Chaewon became a supportive friend, pushing her own feelings aside. The bittersweet reality hung in the air,  the person Kazuha liked was not her, and it stung like a thousand needles.