Something was different this time. The way Changmin was acting around her, the way she was acting around him, and the way I was acting around both of them. And I couldn’t help but think that maybe I was too late. That maybe I was too late to stop everything, to make everything right again.

Cold, and goosebumps.

It was the strangest sensation. I could feel the warmth of the sun even as we walked through the park yet still, it was the infinite cold that washed over me - an unending torrent of ice drowning me.

I was powerless in its wake.

I couldn’t stop thinking, the swirls of confusing thoughts clawing away at me until I would eventually succumb and lose all hope of sanity. Why? Since when did everything come to this? It wasn’t right, it just wasn’t...right. It was as if a black hole had erted life and love and all that came with it.

Best friend, brother, Changmin. All the times he stood by me, and all the times we prevailed through. Did that all somehow not count to anything? Even as I watched him carefully brush Sooyoung’s hair behind her shoulder, I could still see the boyish sparkle in his eyes and the child that was once him. Like a film reel, blurred memories of a time long ago flashed before me and I could see the small changes accumulating til I hardly recognized the man in front of me. How did I not notice this disappearance? Acquaintance, stranger, Changmin.

He had known. Of course he would have known. He knew me better than I knew myself for Christ’s sake! For him to disregard that, for him to tear apart our friendship willingly, it was beyond anything I could ever imagine. I couldn’t cope.

She knew he was a player! She knew! So why did she choose him over me? What did he have that I didn’t? Why did time blur lines between what was right? It was right for us.

Not Changmin. Who was Changmin to her?

And yet, why is she still standing there looking so happy in his arms? She has to know, like I do, that he will only break her heart. I guess, there was no other way. It was up to me to save her.

I quickly took a slim purple flower from a bouquet we passed and threaded it through Sooyoung’s hair as Changmin looked in surprise. I smiled, letting my fingers linger at the nape of her neck before throwing an arm around her shoulders and stopping her in her stride. Changmin had no choice but to be pulled to a standstill with his fingers wrapped protectively around her own. I pretended not to notice, or care.

“Let’s go somewhere.” Anywhere. Just the two of us. Because I would follow you to the ends of the Earth.

Sooyoung agreed and I smirked; our intimate friendship was definitely still intact. I could work with that.

I could feel Changmin’s questioning look trained into me but I stared him down til he looked away.

“Let’s go to that amusement park we used to visit when we were younger.” Before all this crap began. Let’s start over Sooyoung.

Sooyoung thought for a moment, head tilted slightly to the side as always (but this time tilted towards me). She smiled.

“Dreamland?” Exactly. I nodded enthusiastically and pulled her closer to me, hating how her eyes flitted to Changmin and back to me but loving her warmth and closeness when she didn't pull away. I swivelled around to the direction I knew Changmin had parked his BMW and left Changmin standing there, a little baffled, a few steps behind us, until Sooyoung looked over her shoulder and made sure he didn’t mind our new plan. He didn’t.

Sooyoung smiled again, content with his answer, and jealously and denial brewed up again. It immediately dissipated when she began to poke my cheek saying something I didn’t quite catch about how she missed the three of us together, how she missed me. All I could concentrate on was how Sooyoung had let go of Changmin. Again.

*

I didn’t want to feel guilt. I tried to eradicate any feelings of betrayal - of me trying to heartlessly destroy Changmin’s happiness. No, no, it was for Sooyoung’s own good. In the end, Sooyoung would be happier, Changmin would get over it and everything would be just perfect. Nothing could ever go wrong.

A distant thunderclap sounded in the distance. I looked up, still seeing clear blue skies. A part of me hoped it would rain, just so I could escape. Somehow, I knew wherever I went, a sense of guilt would still remain with me, taunting me, mocking my cowardliness. Coward, because I should tell them both the truth. But did they deserve the truth? Like masterminds in a scheme, they had plotted my downfall.

So I stayed silent just because I just wanted to enjoy myself in the moment, and enjoy seeing Sooyoung again. Everything became so in consequential when she was beside me. The world was a little more bright; birds sung their melodies louder, rainbows painted the sky and everything was glorified by her presence. Even the simple act of her eating fairy floss was decidedly different to any other. I leaned over the table.

"You know, you really shouldn't eat before you ride a rollercoaster."

She some sticky residue from her finger. "I know, I know. But Changmin hasn't even returned."

"The man's bladder needs its time." Sooyoung laughed at that, consequently getting a web of pink fairy floss on her cheek. "Sooyoung..."

"Mm?" Were her eyes meant to twinkle like that under the sun?

"You have a little something..." My finger tapped on my cheek. She blushed, the crimson of her cheeks spreading like a beautiful sunset. Her tongue poked out, the corner of her lips.

"Gone?"

I shook my head slightly then grinned as I leaned even closer. "Here." My finger gently scraped the sweet off her cheek and entered my mouth filling it with its artificial sweetness. There was something more sweet though, and I was looking straight at it. Sooyoung's lips were coated with sweetness. It was as if a fire of yearning had exploded within me. I leaned closer still, til I could taste the sweetness that lingered between us. Her head moved back just a fraction - almost a warning, but not enough to deter me. My eyes closed and I leaned closer and closer until our lips touched, the faintest of brushes.

"Sooyoung?"

Her head whipped around leaving me a face full of hair and a dark resentment. Sitting back on the seat, I used all my willpower to unclench my shaking fists. This wasn’t me. I am Kyuhyun, Changmin’s best friend.

Changmin believed the whole story of the fairy floss. Not just because it was partly true but because I had the strangest feeling that he would believe anything Sooyoung said to him. And when he still smiled at her with the warmth of a man in love, it felt terrible for me.

It was as if the world split open and swallowed me into the deepest abyss.

I didn’t want to crawl out.

Love, what was it really? Was it really that powerful that it took over all the human senses, blurred all human emotions leaving the raw soul behind? Was it strong enough to make me destroy our friendship? A monster? I wasn’t sure anymore. For when Sooyoung laughingly fed Changmin fairyfloss without a care in the world, my heart told me stop this foolishness. Because the truth was that I’d been replaced and she didn’t need me.

I stood up suddenly, still staring blankly at my best friends. Without a word, I slowly turned away from them, away from the colourful balloons and laughs of strangers around us. I could hear Changmin call out to me but I ignored him. The last thing I wanted was to be around them and feel my insignificance. I wasn’t needed at all.

A tug on my arm forced me to stop in my slow tread. I didn’t need to turn around to know it was Sooyoung so I stayed staring resolutely forward.

“Kyuhyun what’s wrong? We haven’t even tried the roller coaster.” She forced a laugh which soon faded away. Her touch still stayed on my jacket and I brushed it aside.

“Nothing’s...wrong. Just tired. It’s going to rain soon, so I’ll just leave first. I’ll see you two later.” An icicle shoved down my throat would have been less painful saying those words. I couldn’t resist a glance behind me and it confirmed how I knew Sooyoung would react - sad and confused. This whole was confusing and I had no idea what to do anymore. I needed to be alone, even if only to lessen the pain of seeing Sooyoung with Changmin. More than anything, I wanted to spin around and grab her by her shoulders and profess my undying love to her.

But, never, I couldn’t. Because doing so would sacrifice all of our happiness.

I could never live with that.

So I did the thing I knew best. I walked away.

A creak of the door was enough to bring me back to semi-consciousness. After a moment’s pause, Changmin’s hushed voice called out across the darkness of our shared house, calling for me. My eyes stayed shut, trying to escape back into the dreamless state I was in.

“Yah, Kyuhyun, you awake?”

The light in the bathroom opened and a strip of brightness escaped into the lounge room where I had unceremoniously collapsed onto a sofa a few hours earlier. The sound of a shower soon followed and I allowed myself to turn around to check the time: 1:30am. Exactly ten hours after I had left them together.

The soft sounds of Changmin’s singing filled the room as he padded out, shirtless with wet hair. “Kyuhyun?”

I grunted in reply. I could hear the sounds of rustling sheets as Changmin dragged his duvet to the sofa next to mine. Back in the darkness and still of the night, I could hear his quiet breaths. A sudden stillness made me realise that Changmin had something to tell me.

Slowly waking up to full alertness, I waited with bated breath - was it to do with Sooyoung? Changmin too, seemed unsure how to proceed.

“It uh, rained today, like you said.” Sooyoung must have said that was my excuse. He was building up to something. I kept waiting, heart racing.

“Kyuhyun.” I could hear him roll over on the sofa. “I think.” Another pause.

“I’m going to marry Sooyoung.”

When you realise your life has no more meaning, what do you do? When everything you’ve lived for, falls apart, do you still keep breathing, alive?