It was a strange feeling walking into your doom. It’s a mixture of nervousness, dread and yet, just a tinge of excitement. Excitement, as I wondered what could possibly go down in these four walls. I wasn’t scared, I knew that much at least. No, there was nothing that I could be charged for, for I had done nothing. Despite this, it was still unnerving seeing the men in uniform eyeing me down as if I had murdered someone, as if I had stepped out of line and they knew. But I held my head up high and looked down at them with disdain.

Was the interrogation necessary? Speaking to everyone that both Changmin and Sooyoung had spoken to for the last three months was a tad extreme, if you asked me. And personally, the officers were too stupid to find out the cause of their deaths anyway. They could never understand the passion, the obsession that love is. Never. And because of this, they would never understand why Changmin and Sooyoung had died the way they did.

They tried to stop me from seeing their crime scene photos, but their attempts were so pathetic, it was hard thinking they were trying at all. And so it was that as my sneakers thudded quietly on the dull grey floor, I passed by the investigation room. Around the walls were some notes, but most of them were evidence - in the form of photos. It was strange knowing that two of my best friends were being examined so thoroughly by complete strangers. They would have been horrified and my fingers itched to tear down those photographs and hide them away for them. Especially Sooyoung’s. No one should be able to look upon her beauty except for me. Me. But even I was repulsed by the bloody hole through her head, the bullet having shot through her skull, the blood splattered across the white, white sheets. And Changmin, his hand clasped around hers, their twinkling weddings rings a huge sparkly slap in my face. I quickly looked away.

“This way, sir.”

Wasn’t it ironic that the officers were still formally addressing me even as we trudged down single file into the interrogation room where everything I did would be recorded and slowly analysed by ignorant men? I sat down across the two serious faced officers, one female, the other male and I slowly smoothed my features to a blank expression, void of life and stared across the triangular table. And then it began.

To get out - that’s what I wanted the most at this moment. But still I sat there, almost motionless, as they fired question after question at my unfaltering gaze. My brain had put itself on autopilot and I almost missed the last question. I stared at them incomprehensively. They repeated their question.

“Did you love Sooyoung?”

Another slap in the face. Did I love her? The answer was on the tip of my tongue but I hesitated and blinked. Sooyoung. I didn’t love her. I do love her, past, present and future. Always. And yet...

“Yes I did.”

The officers quickly scribbled something down onto their notepad and for the first time in the high-keyed artificial lighting of the cramped room, my heart sped up. My mouth felt dry and without knowing it, my hands were shaking uncontrollably. Sooyoung and Changmin. It hit me again, just like it had whenever I least expected it. They were gone.

“So you say you loved her. Then did you know anything about the murder? Or suicide?”

Suicide. Murder. Such small words yet they polluted the air the moment the officer spoke them. I was suffocating and for just one second, I regretted it. And I wished I was dead as well.

“No.”

I lied.

***