The moment Hyukjae saw Jongwoon in the navy three-piece suit looking as gorgeous as ever, he knew that time had done nothing to make him move on from the other man.

God, tonight was going to be torturous.

He watched as Jongwoon fleeted across the wedding venue, moving from people to people like the popular and friendly person that he was, making small conversations with everybody since he was somehow always up to date with everyone’s interests, and smiling happily with the corners of his eyes crinkling.

Yet, if Hyukjae was not still as in love as he was seven months ago since the breakup, he might not have noticed that Jongwoon’s smile would drop every now and then whenever he thought no one was looking, or that his eyes seemed to be darting around every few minutes, as if he was looking around for something… for someone.

But Hyukjae did notice, because he was just as enamoured with one Kim Jongwoon as he did all those years ago, when they were still happily together as a couple, throughout their years of being Super Junior, and even after the group had disbanded on a happy note after more than two decades of being idols together.

Hyukjae hated to admit it, but when the wedding invitation from Shindong and his fiancée had reached him, the first thought that crossed Hyukjae’s mind was that he would finally have an excuse to see Jongwoon hyung again.

And when the wedding day finally arrived, Hyukjae found himself worrying about what to wear six hours before the actual event, rehearsing in front of the mirror how he would act around Jongwoon four hours before, pacing around his room anxiously an hour prior. It was almost as if he was preparing for his first date with his hyung all those years ago. Hyukjae didn’t know if he should cry or laugh at the whole situation.

After he was finally done fretting about meeting Jongwoon, Hyukjae laid across the couch in his black suit, staring blankly at the ceiling, and recalled the failed relationships that he had gotten into for the past few months. He wondered if Jongwoon missed him just as much as he missed the older, but then pushed the thought away immediately — Jongwoon was the one that wanted to break up, why would he miss you?

Other members had checked up on him and tried to get him to talk to them after they learnt about the break up, but Hyukjae found it hard to speak to anyone about it, even to his family — because speaking about it meant confirming and coming to terms that him and Jongwoon were really not together anymore, and if he could, he would rather live in denial, even if it suffocated him.

Hyukjae tried hard to blend in with the crowd and shadows as much as possible at the wedding. He was contented with just watching Jongwoon from afar for now. Hyukjae found his heart skipping at every smile Jongwoon directed at people, though it also confirmed the fact that Jongwoon had simply moved on happily without him. No, he would not cry, okay.

Hyukjae actually thought he was doing a great job being a wallflower, when suddenly, his eyes met Jongwoon’s.

Immediately, the younger froze. He wasn’t ready for this yet! His heart started kicking into overdrive and— was Jongwoon walking towards him?!?! No, no, no—

“Hi.”

Oh god.

“H-hey, hyung.”

Up close, Hyukjae could smell the familiar scent of Jongwoon’s woodsy cologne. The older’s hair had also changed to a darker shade of brown that highlighted his sun-kissed skin with a glow. Hyukjae also made a mental note of the dark circles under Jongwoon’s eyes, he wondered if the older’s insomnia had been giving him a hard time again.

“Why are you just standing here looking pretty instead of talking to the rest?”

“H-huh?” Pretty?!?

Jongwoon chuckled. “I said, why are you standing here instead of talking to the rest of the guys?”

Noooooo, what happened to me being pretty? “Oh… haha… I just got here, you see. I was going to look around for Donghae already.”

“Oh, is it? But I remember seeing you standing at the same spot for the past ten minutes though?”

Um, ? “Ah, hyung… I think you mistook me for someone else! Haha…”

Hyukjae fidgeted nervously as Jongwoon looked at him up and down. He wondered what caused the look of surprise and hurt on Jongwoon’s face suddenly when the older was looking at his hand. The expression was gone as soon as it appeared, that Hyukjae didn’t know if he simply hallucinated that in hopes that Jongwoon missed him as much as he did to the other.

“So, Hyukjae, how have you been?” Why did Jongwoon sound so forced saying that? “I see you got engaged? Who’s the lucky person?”

Hyukjae froze for the second time. Engaged?! Suddenly, the cold silver band wrapped around his ring finger felt infinitesimally heavier, as if reminding him of its presence. His eyes darted back and forth between the ring and Jongwoon panickedly.

“Yeah…” the younger coughed hesitantly, his heart beating nervously, “just engaged, two weeks ago. Great guy, met him through my sister. It feels a little fast, but you know, sometimes things just happen.”

A pained look appeared on Jongwoon’s face again, but it disappeared before Hyukjae could make sense of it. “Really? Wow… I’m so happy for you, Hyukjae-ah.” The younger watched as Jongwoon cleared his throat awkwardly and swallowed thickly, “You deserve someone that can make you happy.”

You made me the happiest, you ing idiot, was what Hyukjae wanted to scream out, but he didn’t. In fact, he felt like he might burst into tears at any moment. , he didn’t think it was going to be this hard. It was as if all the feelings he had been suppressing simply resurfaced because of Jongwoon’s presence and words.

Instead, Hyukjae swallowed hard and prayed that his eyes were not welling up. “What about you, hyung? Are you seeing anyone right now?”

“Oh. No no, I’m not. I don’t think I’m ready for it yet. And you know, I’ve been really busy at work, it wouldn’t be fair to my partner if I can’t spend enough time with them.” Jongwoon smiled sadly.

Yet, he’s not ready yet. But weren’t you the one that left me? Yet, Hyukjae fought to suppress the relief he felt. “Ah, right. How is work?”

“It’s great, I love what I’m doing there. You know that I’ve always love working on music — so yeah, I love my work.”

“Ah, yes. You’ve always had a passion for music.”

“Yeah.”

There was a long, awkward pause. Both men didn’t know if they wanted to get out of the situation because of the awkwardness or to try and prolong the conversation so that they could be around each other more.

Hyukjae reached the conclusion first, apparently, “Well, nice talking to you again, hyung. I want to go and get a drink, so I’ll see you around?”

Jongwoon tried to hide his disappointment. “Yeah, sure. See you around. Don’t get too drunk okay? You’re always such a clumsy drunk.”

you, Kim Jongwoon, the younger thought, as he his heel hurriedly and speed-walked away without replying, tears threatening to fall out any moment. Why do you care if I’m drunk? Would you still take care of me if I trip on my feet after three drinks?

-

They had no idea how they got there.

But when they tumbled down onto the hotel bed, desperate touches and hot kisses everywhere, nothing had felt so right, so natural since they parted.

Hyukjae pulled back from Jongwoon’s soft lips, his head spinning — was this really happening or was he so deprived of the other man that this was simple a mirage conjured up by his fervour?

Jongwoon continued to litter bites and open-mouth kisses at the younger’s neck. His hands running up and down Hyukjae’s body, his palms leaving a trail of warmth after them.

“I missed you so much.” Hyukjae gasped.

Jongwoon only responded with his mouth shifting down to draw circles on Hyukjae’s chest.

And even as they were brought to throes of pleasure throughout the night, Jongwoon didn’t say it back.

-

Hyukjae woke up first.

He turned to see Jongwoon sleeping soundly beside him, and the familiarity of the image almost brought out the tears in him once again. It felt like the chokehold Jongwoon had over his heart had never diminished.

After just a few more moments of quietly appreciating the face that he had missed so much, Jongwoon started to rouse from his sleep. Hyukjae immediately shut his eyes and pretended to be asleep — he wasn’t ready for the rejection from the other man, he remembered clearly how Jongwoon didn’t even want to reciprocate his words yesterday night.

Hyukjae expected some shuffling, some quiet movement, some rustling of clothes for Jongwoon to get dressed, and a click of the door to indicate Jongwoon’s departure. He waited, and waited. But none of that came.

Just as he was about to peek open his eyes to take a look, he felt a soft kiss on his forehead.

“You can stop pretending you’re asleep, Hyukjae.”

Okay, now this was awkward. Begrudgingly, the younger opened his eyes, only to see Jongwoon resting on his side, propped up on his elbow, looking down at him fondly.

“You always at pretending to be asleep.”

Hyukjae could only stare at Jongwoon blankly as he struggled to find a response. All these mixed response from Jongwoon… it was too much and too confusing for him. But before he could gather his thoughts, Jongwoon merely shook his head with a sad smile, and began to shuffle off the bed to gather his clothes.

Hyukjae debated whether to stay silent or not, but as he watched the bruises and bite marks on Jongwoon’s shoulders and back get covered by his shirt, he couldn’t help himself.

“Are you just going to leave me again?”

The sadistic part of Hyukjae rejoiced at the way Jongwoon froze immediately — yes, if he wanted to leave again so bad, Jongwoon better be able to say the cold hard and uncomfortable truth to his face.

“Hyukjae…” The older suddenly sounded so, so tired. “Hyukjae-ah… you’re engaged now, this was a mistake.”

Hyukjae didn’t reply.

“I’m sorry for this, and I’m sorry for what happened last time. I hope you’re happy with your fiancé, okay? I’ll get going.”

“Hyung.” Jongwoon stopped in his tracks, but didn’t turn around to face the other man who was still in bed.

“Hyung, did you really feel like this was a mistake?”

“You’re a taken man, now, Hyukjae-ah. This isn’t right.”

“Really? It felt pretty right to me.”

“Hyukjae—”

“Hyung.”

“Yes?”

“Tell me now, honestly — did you miss me?”

There was a long pause.

“Of course, I did, Hyukjae.”

Hyukjae fought to swallow back the tears (again). “Hyung, do you know that this ring doesn’t even fit me?”

“What?”

“I’m saying that this stupid ring doesn’t even fit me, you bastard. Because it fits you instead.”

With a sudden boost of courage and determination from nowhere, Hyukjae got off the bed and stormed to the older who stood frozen like a statue. Jongwoon could only stare back at him in disbelief. He plucked off the ring with some effort since it was a little too tight for him to begin with, and shoved it in front of Jongwoon’s face.

“The ring fits you, because it’s made for you, hyung. Do you hear me? This stupid ring is yours. I got it made for you, for us. I made it to propose to you.”

It was as if a dam of emotions just opened in him, but Hyukjae couldn’t seem to stop the tirade from flowing out.

“One moment I was ready to marry you and move to Japan with you to start a new life, the next you were packing your bags and telling me that we were over. You’re so ing selfish, hyung! You didn’t even give us a chance, you didn’t give me any chance! I had no idea what I had even done!”

“I was so ing angry and miserable that I was so sure that I would hate you and move on with life. Why would I miss you if you’re such a ing to me, right? But no! You never left my mind! There wasn’t a single day that would go by without me thinking of you!”

“And then, you had to show up at the wedding, looking all happy and glowing, like our break up didn’t affect you at all. But my favourite part was definitely you asking me if I’m engaged to someone else, just because I was so hung over you that I had been wearing the ing ring that was meant for you for the past seven months!”

“I wish I can hate you, god, it would make my life so much easier. But when we fell into bed yesterday night — I just knew how much I still loved you. I just can’t seem to move on from you, hyung. Then you woke me up with a ing kiss, just like how you always did when we were still together, and you looked at me so fondly, and I thought, oh maybe he did missed me after all. But not even a minute later, you’re trying to run away again and telling me that this was a mistake? What’s your ing deal, Kim Jongwoon?”

Hyukjae couldn’t stop the tear from falling at this point. The frustration and pain that he had been pushing away finally had an outlet, and once again, he took satisfaction at how wrecked Jongwoon looked.

“So hyung, please. Tell me, was this really a mistake to you?”

Jongwoon felt like he couldn’t breathe. So many thoughts and memories were jumbled up in his mind, and he knew he would start crying if he tried to talk. It felt like an eternity had passed before the lurch in his stomach subsided and his throat was less choked up from the unshed tears enough, that he could speak.

“H-Hyukjae. I’m so, so sorry, Hyukjae-ya.” Jongwoon tried to reach out to touch the other, but dropped his arms before he could do so since he didn’t think his touch would be welcomed. “I never wanted to break up, Hyukjae. I love you so much, I still do.”

Memories of the night where he left their shared apartment flashed through his mind. He remembered clearly how he broke down crying, hyperventilating in the small alley way beside their apartment building. He recalled showing up at Heechul’s house at midnight, and collapsing onto the older man in tears all over again.

“But I really needed to move, and I felt so bad for making you move with me. You always told me that you would follow me wherever I go, and that you would be happy regardless. But I don’t think you would be, you see?”

“The weeks before we were supposed to leave, you couldn’t stop talking about how much you would miss your parents, how much you would miss your friends, your job, your favourite noodle store, your favourite everything. Even the littlest things that you didn’t care about, you were suddenly waxing poetics about it.”

“It would make me so happy if I had you moved with me. I would have a job that I like and my boyfriend that I loved the most in the world with me — but you wouldn’t be happy. You would be miserable and end up hating me for making you leave your home and your loved ones, and then what?”

“I didn’t want to see you unhappy, Hyukjae-ah. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that I was the cause of your pain. And you’re the kindest, most loving person I know, so I just know that you would bend backwards and over to try and make me happy, even if it’s at the expense of yours. And I don’t want to make you do that, baby.”

“I couldn’t even leave the bed the first few days after our breakup. I didn’t even dare to go home to my parents because I  knew that they would bring you up and I wouldn’t be able to handle that. Heechul hyung had to manhandle me to get me to even eat and shower, you know?”

“But you have to know that, I never stopped loving you, okay? I couldn’t stop thinking about you no matter where I went, Hyukjae. I would see a popular soba restaurant and imagine how nice it would be if I could bring you to the place. Our favourite song is still the ringtone to your number even though I knew you wouldn’t call me again.”

“So no, Hyukjae, this wasn’t a mistake to me. But if this happened all over again, I would still do the same.”

By the time Jongwoon was done, both men had tears all over their faces. Hyukjae was looking down at the ground, because god, Jongwoon crying had always been his achilles heel.

With a tentative hand, the older slowly reached out and pulled Hyukjae closer, and wrapped him in his arms. The younger wasted no time to hug Jongwoon back, squeezing him tightly as he buried his face into Jongwoon’s shoulder to hide his sobs.

“I love you, Hyukjae. I never stopped.”

“You could have talked to me.”

“Yeah, but you would just tell me that everything was fine, even if you were not.”

“That’s true, yes, but—” Hyukjae pulled back and their eyes met, “—but I love you, hyung, and I think you’re underestimating how much I love you. The fact that I was so ready to leave everything behind, even though I would miss them — doesn’t that show how much you mean to me and how happy you make me?”

“We can’t live for the future, hyung-ah. I want to be with you now, because I love you. And you love me too, right? Isn’t that straightforward enough? Maybe if we had moved together, we would be happily married and on a honeymoon now. And then, I would find a new job, meet new colleagues and new friends, find new noodles restaurants that I like, check out new arcades to play racing games with — and I’ll be happy, because I'll be doing all that with you by my side.”

Overwhelmed with emotions, the two lovers could only stare at each other tenderly as they tried to come to terms with all the revelations. Gently, Hyukjae took Jongwoon's hand and cradled it near his own heart, and slowly slipped the ring onto the older's ring finger.

Jongwoon could only lean in and kiss Hyukjae in reply, since words just didn’t seem to do justice to the emotions in him.

“I’m so sorry, Hyukjae.” Jongwoon whispered against the younger’s lips. “I just wanted you to be happy.”

“I know, hyung. But you should know that you can’t decide my happiness for me, okay? If my happiness is with you, it’s with you. Look at how miserable we had been all these time, that’s so much y time that we missed.”

Jongwoon choked out a laugh amidst the tears. “I missed you so much, baby. I love you. I’m sorry.”

“I love you, too.”

“Elope with me?”

Hyukjae huffed a laugh, “I love you”, and reeled Jongwoon in for a breathtaking kiss.