Kazuha likes Chaewon. Everyone but Chaewon knows. Kazuha’s feelings were as transparent as looking down on the water, her feelings were as clear as a normal sunny day. Despite all the hints and clues, Chaewon remains clueless. Kazuha had preferred things this way, having Chaewon as her friend was much more than enough than losing her if she had confessed. It wasn’t like Kazuha was afraid to take the risk, it was the fact that Chaewon had made it known without it being targeted directly at Kazuha. It was enough of a hint for Kazuha to not go along with her confession. Seeing Chaewon smile at Kazuha’s words, hearing Chaewon laugh at Kazuha’s lame jokes, and being with Chaewon during moments where it feels as though it was only them in this world was enough. These were enough for Kazuha. There was nothing more she could have asked for. 

“I promise to never confess to Chaewon.” 

Were the words that leave Kazuha’s lips each time they find themselves texting. A smile shows on her features before tears follow after.

“I promise to never confess to Chaewon.”

She repeats this time her smile fades as her heart feels heavy with the feelings she has for Chaewon, her breathing erratic as she pulls every last bit of her composure to not find herself crying. Taking a deep breath, she wills herself to hold back the tears. She clenched onto her phone as if it was about to disappear into thin air if she had loosened her grip onto it. With how hard she clenched her phone, she felt her fingers going numb the longer it went. Kazuha had made it known that no matter the challenges she would handle and catch them with unwavering resolve. But in this moment, the walls she swore would stay up to protect herself felt like glass, it felt fragile, as if it was on the verge of crumbling.

“I promise to never confess to Chaewon.”

She repeats the same phrase, as if it were the only words she has ever known. Memories start flashing before Kazuha like a retro film where everything is in different gradients. Kazuha laughs at the thought. A retro film of her bittersweet moments with Chaewon. How cliche. She lets herself sink further onto her bed as she feels more tears welling up in her eyes. Kazuha on the other hand felt determined to maintain what was left to stop these tears from falling. She remembers the laughter she had shared with Chaewon, the words of reassurance from Chaewon when Kazuha felt like her emotions weren’t valid, the moments of joy that had filled her heart to the brim. However, Kazuha can’t deny that within those memories shadows of heartbreak surrounds it. Between the two of them, one is lying about how they felt for the other. Kazuha feels the weights of her actions as she continues to lie to Chaewon how all she felt was platonic. Nothing more. 

“I promise to never confess to Chaewon.”

There it was again, that very same phrase. Chaewon was Kazuha’s solace. Whether Chaewon knew it or not. To Kazuha, Chaewon feels like a warm coffee during a draining afternoon. To Kazuha, Chaewon feels like the sun emerging amidst a cloudy sky. In the midst of her struggles, she tries to distract herself by continuing her conversation with Chaewon. She sought peace in control, believing that by distracting herself with her surroundings would allow her to regain control over the turbulent chaos within her heart. As she finally lets go of the transparent string that she had been holding back in order to stop herself from crying, sobs fill the room as she finds herself gasping for air, her chest heaving in an unstable manner as she covers her eyes with her palms. Tears streamed down her face, blurring her vision, felt like a shot of alcohol had run down as it burned. The weight of her own emotions had torn her down, making it feel as though the action of breathing became a chore. Breathing felt constricted, as if it was bound by an invisible chain. Each breath that Kazuha took was met with resistance, it was a cruel reminder of the ache that held her heart. Kazuha felt her body shake. It was like a storm inside her heart, thrashing against the shores of her fragile being. Each sob echoing had shown the intensity of the sorrow she had felt. She clutched her chest, hoping to steady how erratic her heart was beating, desperate to help free herself from this suffocating weight that pressed upon her.

“I promise to never confess to Chaewon.”

Kazuha remembers what it was like when she had first met Chaewon. She felt comfortable almost immediately with the older one as she had made it known that Kazuha could lean on her if she needed someone to lean onto. When the crush started to grow, she had tried to convince herself that these feelings were a mere distraction, a fleeting sparks that would soon be extinguished. Kazuha knew that having a crush on Chaewon would have their lives intertwined in such a way that when it leads to a point where liking Chaewon would only lead to heartache and complications. As each day passed, Chaewon’s presence grew stronger, burying deeper into Kazuha’s consciousness. Chaewon’s laughter would echo in Kazuha’s mind. Chaewon’s smile etched clearly in Kazuha’s memory. The more Kazuha knew about Chaewon the more she knew what her passions were, what food she liked and hated. The little things that Kazuha finds herself writing down. Kazuha finds it endearing when Chaewon interacts with other people. She felt content with staying this way with Chaewon. Kazuha knew better by preserving the friendship they both had built in order to protect her own heart from the wreckage. Kazuha learns to suppress the surges of affection that threaten to bubble to the surface, burying them deep within. It comes out occasionally, to which Chaewon brushes off.  Moments where Kazuha slips and treats Chaewon how she would’ve treated her if they were dating. If. Oh how it pained Kazuha how a mere if had caused this much of a mess out of her. Kazuha reminds herself of the countless reasons why this was an impossible love.

“And so I promise,” Kazuha whispers as she smiles bitterly while continuing her conversation with Chaewon. “To keep these feelings as a secret from you.” She promises once more.

“I’ll admire you in secrecy.”

With a shaky sigh, she wipes her tears as she lets out a dry laugh as she reads through Chaewon’s messages. In the quiet corners of her mind, she accepts the painful reality that there were some loves that were just not meant to be, no matter how strong they burned.