"If you really hate me for taking care of you, all this time—" The anger radiated through her pretty, small eyes, but it felt rather like a great defeat that weakened her. "At least make sure you can—ing take care of yourself."

Jung Wheein. She was around 5'2", bop medium black hair, cold face, but warmest eyesmile you will ever see. The most handsomely pretty girl in school—I always told her so, and how she always looks so proud with it. I spent years knowing her not by accident, but more like a fate destined to us, we always managed to enter the same school since junior class, but since Wheein is a real smarty pants, for the very first time I felt like it wouldn't be possible for me to even aim for the university she was entering to. Of course, the royal Seoul National University.

Like Cher and Dionne, or Goose and Maverick—surely given by my dad, that was how everyone pointed our friendship. Not a single day in my life passed without her in it, and likewise, I became an important in her life. Until one day I realized the kind of friendship we had is more similar to Hermione and Ron from the Harry Potter saga. Of course, I'm the dumb Ron, and it wasn't about the Seoul National University, but the fact I didn't realize that slowly she invested her feelings for me, more than we both could afford at the moment.

"I'm not gay, Wheein."

She was stunned. Clearly, it wasn't the response she expected.

"Before this, I looked in the mirror, everyday when I woke up in the morning." She said. "I was questioning if I mistaken this feeling for you, but for a billion times, nothing has ever changed in me, or what I felt for you." She stared at me deeply, and it was the toughest moment we had in years. "I have nothing to expect. I just wanted to tell you all that, Yong. I just—wanted to let you know."
"Wheein—"
"It's fine. It's not like you have to say yes or no, Yong. I wasn't proposing." Her voice weakened. "I know, the fact that I'm—" She held her breath and needed to gulp a coke bottle in her hand to continue. "The fact that I'm gay for you, it's not something I can choose for myself. And I don't, I never expected you to be gay for me too. So, you really don't have to reject me like that."
"Wheein. Listen." I said. "I just—don't know what to do. You're gay and you like me. I'm your bestfriend. You're putting me in a very hard situation."

Wheein looked down, staring straight at the cold hard ground as she started to walk slowly to continue our trip back home. I held her arm and she glanced at me where I could see nothing but an emptiness. For the very first time in years, her bright eyes looked dim. I was too young to process everything. 

"I'm fine. I will be." She smiled while letting her hand out of my grip. "I'm sorry that I surprised you like this. I spent almost a year to stand in front of you and telling all this. I had no objective, but a pure intention to tell you about how I feel. I hope nothing will change after this."
"You look so disappointed. I can see."
"I am not."
"Then what's the justification of yours?"
"Oh." She tightened her jacket. "I just, I wished you would say something other than—you're not gay. Well, obviously. I just—" She experienced a difficulty on finishing the sentences and I was left frozen to wait for. "Forget it. I'm sorry, Yong. Let's forget whatever I said. Okay?"
"Will everything be okay?"
"I promise."

Wheein was the one who promised it, but I was the one who broke it. We spent the last few months of high school with me desperately pulling myself away from her. The younger version of me had the biggest fear that people would think Wheein and I, who were really close, were dating. I was too afraid that I stretched myself further away from her. As for Wheein, I know she felt this was a consequence of everything she said to me that night, and even though my attitude can be considered as—terrible, there was never once a time when she didn't treat me well, something I believe I didn't deserve.

I walked away from her openly. I didn't talk to her anymore, or didn't reply to her text messages at all, went home from school with another friend and deliberately dated a junior in the first grade below us, a handsome young man from the football club and kissed him in the school hallway with our photos circulating on almost all of Instagram story of all students. And why did I do it? I couldn't careless. I was the bad character, a villain in this story.

"I don't need that, Whee."
"But, Yong."
"No. Please take it back with you."
"Yong."
"I can take care of myself, so you don't have to."

I grimaced in pain due to gastritic problem while lying on the bed in the school's small clinic when Wheein came and brought me medicine in her hand. Her eyes were droopy. I know, my insistent and unreasonable rejection—a real childish one, must have broken her heart and I couldn't understand why I keep doing it. She placed the medicine on the table beside me and smiled. Right when she was about to turn her back, Moonbyul, my other good friend, the school chairman which also the head of school medic, entered the room with a glass of hot water in her hand.

"Have you handed her the meds, Whee?"
"Y-Yeah."
"Where are you going?" Moonbyul narrowed her eyebrows. "Aren't you supposed to accompany Yong?"
"I can't. I'm sorry. I have to go."
"You have a date with Hyejin and want to leave Yong like this? Aish."
"Please take care of her."

What? Wheein's dating Hyejin? I'll be damned. I almost woke up from my bed to scream, or even threw my Converse shoes at the back of Wheein's head who was slowly walking away from the room. The statement made clearly by Moonbyul made me feel for the first time that I had lost the figure of Wheein in my life. Still at the same position, I was frozen in silence because I didn't know what was going on in her life anymore, and it was all thanks to my ego which. As high as the rolling waves.

Ahn Hyejin, was a student who comes from another class, but was in the same class as us. She was the president of the modern dance club, has many fans for her captivating dance's online content, and even though she was in a different category from Wheein who was famous for her intelligence, Hyejin was also one of the important figures at school because of her skills, which gave her a shortcut in the form of an arts scholarship at Yonsei University. They clearly looked like a perfect couple.

"Hottest gay couple in school, don't you think?"
"Who?"
"Wheein and Hyejin, of course."
"You knew she's a gay?"
"Yeah. Why? It's not like it's a sin." She said. "It's her own choice."
"They're not a couple."
"Did Whee tell you that?"

Did she? Of course she didn't. I cut all the wires she tried to connect.

"Yes." I lied, and I didn't understand why.
"Really?" Moonbyul looked confused. "Well, you're her bestfriend. I have to trust you."
"Why?"
"She's leaving to walk Hyejin home, right?"
"No. I asked her to leave, actually." I said, and decided to go for another lie. "I asked her to buy something."
"Oh. Is that so?"
"Yes."
"Well, some people saw Hyejin kissed her, around three days ago in the backyard. So, we assumed they're dating."

My heart felt like it had stopped beating and I couldn't pump it again in any way. That Hyejin girl kissed my Wheein? With her lips? In the school area? Something warm spread in my chest and I was only able to return to reality when Moonbyul put her hand on my forehead and looked at me closely.

"Yong. Yah." She patted my shoulder. "What's going on with you?"
"What did people think of it?"
"Well. The couple?"
"They are not a couple."
"Huh? What's with you? But okay." Moonbyul sat down on the edge of the bed. "Well, I don't know. Some kids were shocked, some said nothing. Beside, who cares? I mean, what should other people do with someone else's ual identity?" She continued while wiping the spilled water on the table. "Are you afraid that other kids talk bad about Whee?"
"Kinda."
"If Wheein is my best friend, that's the least thing I would think of."
"How?"
"I mean, if my best friend needs to face such a difficult situation, then I should be the one who strengthen her. She doesn't have to listen to anyone else. She only needs good few people who would understand her." Moonbyul smiled without knowing that her every word broke my heart into pieces. "I wouldn't care about what people said. Screw them all. They know nothing anyway."

Moonbyul never knew that her statement that afternoon gave me confirmation that I was not only a bad friend to Wheein, but also a human being who was no less bad. I was lost in my ego. I hated the fact that Wheein was increasingly disappearing from my life, and also being the one who was constantly pushing her to make that situation even more real. I was slowly losing her, and in the same time feeling crazy myself.

I missed her, my Wheein; Her silence, cold and calm smile when I told her at length every time we came home from school, how she never got tired of teaching me things I didn't understand, and her voice when she called my name. This may sound crazy, even to me, but I harbored some feelings that I couldn't identify, or more like didn't have the guts to admit that my ego consumed me, that I missed looking at her face quietly when she fell asleep in front of me, or how I drowned in the depth of her eyes when she were excited, or how she laughed loudly at every joke I made. I missed her, and more than that, I slowly realized that I wanted her as more than a friend in my life. And in my silent confession, I know, I have made the biggest mistake.

"Yong! Congrats! I heard you're accepted in Sungkyunkwan University?"
"Yeah. Thanks, Byul." I smiled. "I heard you got Yonsei?"
"Yes, gurl. Happy that everything paid off at last."

That afternoon, I sat with Moonbyul in the school cafeteria which was quite quiet. The final exams have ended and all the students in the school have received the results, indicating that my high school term was almost ready to end. I sat in silence while sipping the glass filled with the soft drink in front of me. Around three weeks before, almost the entire students attended an evening party at a bar we rented as a sign of letting go of our high school years. And on that night, I met her, Wheein. I felt there was no need to ask as she would clearly be accepted at Seoul National University for her above average intelligence. Contrary to what I dreamed of, I kept pushing her further and further away from my life.

"Only three people accepted in Seoul National this year."
"Only three? Really?"
"Yeah. You know, Yong. You're acting weird these past months. As if you're disappearing from everyone." Moonbyul stared at me sharply. "Is everything okay with you? I heard you broke up with junior." She stopped. She probably sensed something as she looked at me being uneasy. "Sorry. Well, you missed a lot of news, in short."
"So, who's the triangle? Minho, Umji and Wheein?"
"Huh? Are you drunk?" Moonbyul glanced. "Minho, Umji and Seokjin."
"What do you mean?"
"Wait. You don't say—"

What did I miss? God. I keep staring at Moonbyul but the silence lied in the midst of it.

"Yongsun-ah. What's happening between you and Wheein?"
"Nothing happened. What do you mean?"
"People saw you two fighting at the bar though."
"No. It was just a misunderstanding." I insisted with the lie I created myself. "We're fine."
"Well. If you say so." Moonbyul lifted her shoulders. "Then why don't you know that Wheein withdrew her application at SNU?"
"She did what?" I screamed inside. I couldn't believe what I just heard.
"See. You really don't know?" Moonbyul caressed my shoulder as she looked genuinely concern about me. "Yong. Everyone knows about it. But what we don't know, she silently applied for a scholarship at Stanford University. California, US. And she got it."

I heard too much noises in my head at the moment. In fact, after what happened that night at the bar, I tried many times to contact Wheein, even though everything was only happening in my mind. I always—almost called her, or even met her, and then I realized that 'almost' was never enough to prove how guilty I felt for all the pain I caused her. I looked down silently and in a daze looking at Moonbyul who had captured it all, more or less. Even though I never confirmed it, I knew that Moonbyul knew something was wrong with our relationship, and from her eyes, I could tell she felt disappointed at how I didn't want to share it with her at all.

"What happened, Yong?" Moonbyul asked.
"I pushed her away since the day she came out as a gay."
"You can't be serious."
"And that she told me she grew a certain feeling for me."

I cried in silence. I didn't care of what Moonbyul would think at all.

"Why would you do that?"
"I thought it's because I was so afraid of how people would perceive about her, about us." I wiped my tears away and smiled lightly. "But then I realized that I actually don't give a flying about everyone else. I grew that feeling for her too, but I was just too afraid to tell her. So, I pushed her away, thinking all would feel better without her around. And now I'm suffering that I'm missing her a lot."
"So, you decided to just forget her?" Moonbyul asked. "But she's also your best friend, Yong."
"I know. I'm an idiot." I chuckled bitterly. "Actually, today I planned to come to her house and apologize, though I knew, she would probably push me away the way I did. But at least she'll know that I regret everything I did and wish that we could have a fresh start."
"Oh my God. Yong." Moonbyul hugged me from the side.
"Should I go now? I mean, that's the least thing I could do before she left."

Moonbyul exhaled heavily, and with that sign, I knew that something inconsistent with my expectations had happened. Suddenly my whole body felt shivering. I still looked at Moonbyul and hoped she could say something that would make me feel better.

"So, you also didn't know that—" Moonbyul held her breath. "Wheein left a week ago already, Yong. Her family decided to also move for good to the US as they would run the family business they own there. With that, I don't think she would ever come back here." Her grip on my hand was tighter. "I'm sorry for what happened, Yong. I really am sorry."

My mind drifted far away through the memory that was still ringing in my mind of an incident that night, at that bar. I was a terrible alcoholic, and I knew it. That night, I drank several glasses of cocktails and hid behind my fake heartbreak story about the breakup of my relationship with the junior I was dating. In fact, my heart was pierced so deeply when I saw how Hyejin kissed Wheein passionately in front of my own eyes. The unsteady me acted recklessly; I walked up to a college guy who glanced at me and decided to dance with him, who then treated me inappropriately. I almost punched him in the face when he squeezed my but his force was too strong when he pushed me against the wall in the quiet hallway.

The strong effects of alcohol made me helpless and weak so I cried silently. And that was when Wheein came and grabbed the guy. I couldn't hear anything she said to him, but I remembered the next sentence, the last one directed to me in full of anger and disappointment within herself. And with that, I confirmed that no one actually has a bigger disappoinment in me, than myself.

"If you really hate me for taking care of you, all this time—" The anger radiated through her pretty, small eyes, but it felt rather like a great defeat that weakened her. "At least make sure you can—ing take care of yourself."

And Jung Wheein disappeared from my life completely just like that.

"Everything is signed."

The man in the black striped suit in front of me pulled out a bundle of paper that I had just put down and checked it sheet by sheet calmly. I turned to the window, enjoying how gracefully the snowfall slowly greeted Seoul in December. The man in front of me cleared his throat softly which then made me turn slowly towards him.

"All good." He said. "Thanks, Yong. You saved my life. I'm sorry that—"
"Sunwoo Oppa. Didn't we agree?"
"Still." He tapped my hand and caressed it gently. "I owe you my life."
"Likewise."
"I made a transfer to your account." He smiled lightly before continued. "I knew you'd hate me for it, but allow me. Well, you could use the 10 billions won to do things you want, or you like." Right when I was about to react, he stopped me. "And please. Money is the only thing I have in life. Please, Yong. Even you can retire quickly."
"Oppa."
"You can also use it to do thing you want to do."

I pulled the pod in my right pocket and it strongly, forming a cloud of smoke that I blew away. I smiled slightly at him, and shook my head several times after running out of words, to which he responded with a small chuckle.

"Whatever. Just accept it. Okay?"
"Arasseoyo. If that's what you want."
"What are you going to do after our divorce?"
"Live the life as usual?" I said.
"And?"
"No and."
"Your head is harder than a stone, indeed."

Choi Sunwoo, a man three years older than me, the heir to the throne of a family wealthy in its logistics business, married me two years ago. I remembered it clearly. Sunwoo came to me drunk, messy and unconsciously told me all his dark secrets, including how he was an aual who had no interest in anyone.

Sunwoo and I got married based on a private agreement that we made. We had known each other for several months and on the belief that I would not prey on his wealth, blackmail him or take advantage of his condition, he offered me the opportunity, something I saw as something that there was no harm in doing, especially since I was almost three years old at that time, I was too annoyed by my mother's whining. Something I actually regret a lot.

"I'm thinking of buying a house in Jeju." I said. "And start a peaceful life."
"That's nice. I will support that."
"I'm finishing the book, but I kinda need more motivation to do it." I sighed. "Life is a little boring lately."
"What about the girl you dated last month?"
"We had dinner. That's all."
"And?"
"Too Lang Leav for me."
"And the tech guy—"
"Too ert."
"Sure." He sipped another one. "Maybe after all being alone is the best choice."
"Couldn't agree more."

He laughed, the same kind of laugh he gave me for how hard-to-get I am in the market. Regardless what happened, he is actually the kind of good big brother you always want to have. He's smart, wealthy but modest and the kind of man who will put a lot of respect for his woman. Well, technically all women, since he doesn't have any interest to any.

"But, Yong. You never genuinely like somebody, did you?"

Well, I wasn't expecting that. I smoked even stronger and blew the white smokes to cover his face completely with a little chuckle.

*** ***

500 Songs Of Summer

I clicked on it and smiled. It is a playlist created by a random author I followed since around three years ago. The playlist that kept me alive. It didn't even contain bright, fun and upbeat tempo to represent 'summer