As I left the insanely busy train station I noticed how the sky had turned into a bleak grey, indicating that snow was about to happen…you could also just feel it in the air. There's a crowd of people on the streets darting in and out of stores to shop for the holidays or even to just find a quick source of warmth. I had been hoping for the streets to be less busy since the commute into London was unbearable but I still felt like a sardine in a tin can. The workers of the stores understood this…it was an unsaid agreement – you can seek warmth here as long as you seem interested in our products and it’s even better if you buy something completely unnecessary and you’ll call it a gift for a coworker who you got in the secret santa… you have no idea what they like at all. That’s what the season is about – finding warmth wherever you can. The windows are inviting with their warm lights and decorated trees but I’m in a rush to get somewhere. My boyfriend’s work is hosting a Christmas party at the local pub and I’m late. My rushed breath is caught in the cold air making clouds around my face and I almost slip a few times but I see the pub ahead; I check my watch and suddenly — CRASH. I am on the floor with snow tangled in my hair and I hear another person's groan. I stand up quickly and see a man laying on the floor alongside a guitar case. I rush towards him.

“I am so sorry – I wasn’t looking where I was going. Are you okay?” I reach down to help him up and I catch his eyes – something flutters inside of me. 

“I’m okay, you had a nice tackle technique there.” He laughs – it sounds like a melody.  

“Are you sure? Look I’m in a rush and I’m late but I won’t leave you if you’re feeling funny.” 

He smiled back at me, almost to encourage me that he’s telling the truth – “ I’m okay. Really I am.” I pick up his guitar case, hand it to him and run off towards the pub. Something felt…off as I ran away. I shake it off as anxiety since I was now even later. As I enter the pub I am hit with both noise and warmth at the same time. It almost seemed like the pub was glowing with atmosphere, while I hung up my jacket and bag I scanned for my boyfriend in the crowd. I spot him amidst co-workers at the front listening to an indie band playing some melancholic Christmas music….I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes…where is the Christmas music like WHAM!? Christmas music and indie bands always sound like this but I know that my boyfriend loves it. I reached him after pushing my way through the crowd, “Hey TJ. Sorry I’m late, the commute was something else,” I smiled up at him – happy to see him after a busy day. He pulled me into a hug. “I thought you were going to change before coming here…” he whispered into my ear and I could hear the disappointment. He pulled me out of the hug but before I could reply, he began to talk with his co-workers again. I felt self conscious about my obnoxious holiday sweater with a giant christmas tree that if you push a button would light up – not to mention my work's logo was placed on the back… this was ideal for me either to be wearing this but I’m here. 

 

I awkwardly stood there listening to their conversations of inside jokes and work related hatred but then suddenly someone placed their hand on my arm – I turned to see it was one of TJ’s co-workers, she was wearing a headband that was lined with stars. “Hi I’m Janice, you must be Moon! I work with TJ but that’s a little obvious,” she laughs, “I have to say your sweater is literally giving me life at the moment – I hate how fancy everyone dresses for these things.” I couldn’t tell if she was being genuine or not. “Thanks Janice, it’s nice meeting you,” I meekly smiled, “you know my work makes us wear these sweaters and I didn’t have a chance to change but it lights up.” Her eyes widened out of excitement and my anxiety settled a little. She appreciates the fact it is a little tacky so I decided to push the button to light it up and she grabs my arm and laughs, “this is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen Moon.” She turns to TJ and yells “HEY TJ YOU HAVE SUCH A COOL PARTNER!” He just smiled meekly and my heart dipped a little. I excused myself to grab my wallet in order to buy myself a drink, what was wrong with him tonight? I thought to myself, I reached into my jacket pocket to only find my box of cigarettes and lighter… no ing wallet. It must have fallen when I bumped into that guy earlier, I rolled my eyes and whipped my jacket on. I guess I’ll go for a smoke and hope TJ’s mood would settle so he’d buy a drink – this thought made me laugh out loud when I stepped outside; I have to hope that my boyfriend will buy me a drink. “Merry bloody Christmas,” I say to myself. 

“ Merry Christmas to you as well.” says a voice beside me, I turn and it’s him – the guy with the guitar case. He raises his glass and winks at me. 

“It’s YOU! Oh my – wait, you're playing here?” I moved closer to him. 

“ Indeed I am, I noticed you running in the same direction as I was going in – I will say you run…really fast .” he laughed. 

“I was running late and then I bumped into you and everything spiraled out of my hands and now I have lost my wallet.” I effortlessly dumped my woes on him and found myself being taken back by my own actions. 

“ Here you go Moon ,” he reaches into his pocket and hands me my wallet, “ you ran away so quickly I had no chance of telling you you dropped this.” I reached for my wallet and felt a small tingle in my fingertips as we exchanged my wallet, “ I’m happy I could return it to you.” The artificial glow on his face made my breath quicken a little. 

“Wait how did you know my name?” I asked. 

“ I had to see if you had any contact information in here…which you don’t, you should change that before you run another person over.” I playfully smacked his arm, “I’m sorry!! But really thank you for holding onto this…I’m not having the best evening so losing my wallet was just a cherry on the top.” 

“ Merry bloody Christmas,” he mimicked me, “ now that makes sense…I’m Jonghyun by the way.” he outstretched his hand to shake mine. 

I went to take his hand but before I could the door swung open, it was TJ. 

“What are you doing out here? You’re meant to be inside…you know, being my partner.” he side eyed Jonghyun. 

“ Moon lost their wallet – I was giving it back,” he shrugged, “anyways…nice meeting you,” and with that he slid through the door and was gone. I stared at TJ, I wasn’t sure what was going on with him this evening. 

“You didn’t have to be rude, you know he was just returning something of mine.” I crossed my arms, feeling a chill set through my bones. 

“Are you coming in or not?” he asked. I stared for a moment once again and walked through the door, I want to go home. TJ led me to the table that his coworkers had not congregated now their indie music had stopped. I sat in the only chair that was available which was funnily enough not next to TJ, despite me being his partner. A woman sitting next to TJ giggled, “Tjaaaaaay, can you buy me another drink pleaseeeeee. You know what I like.” My internal being stopped a little and I tried to calm my nerves – so he brought a drink for her but not me… ironic huh. Just try not to read into the situation I told myself. I concentrated on the stage, awaiting the next performance to happen and to distract my thoughts. This evening was really something for the books, I mean our relationship hasn’t been perfect lately, in fact we’ve been arguing more and more these days. I don’t really know why – it just seems like whatever I do isn’t right, that any move I make is the wrong one. It is like he is expecting me to be another person. The crowd began to cheer and on stage Jonghyun appeared, my heart fluttered a little. Why hadn’t I clued in that he was going to be performing, he had a guitar! He caught my eye and smiled, jesus christ. He began to sing Last Christmas and I was not expecting to hear such smoothness come out of his mouth. I was hypnotized…his voice was insanely good; it felt like butter was melting in my ears and the tension in my shoulders began to subside. Jonghyun’s Christmas set passed by too quickly and it left me hungry for more, the chatter of people began to rise again and I was left trying to keep the music in my ears. Someone tapped me on the shoulder, it was Janice, “he was…otherworldly huh?” she grinned at me. 

“I have no words, who even sings like that these days? I’ve never heard a voice like that before!” I beamed back at her. “Careful honey, you’re taken.” she joked. I side eyes TJ and he was paying attention to the girl he had brought drinks for – yeah I’m taken.  I decided it was time for me to get a drink since someone hadn’t bothered to offer me one yet, I tried hard to not read into that fact. I made my way to the bar while ignoring my insecurities but all I could hear was her giggling alongside my boyfriend's laughter, when did we last laugh like that? I reached the bar and noticed Jonghyun standing on the other side – we locked eyes and he smiled. He made his way towards me, god even the way he walks oozes confidence. 

“ Fancy a drink?” he asked. I nodded and expressed what drink I was interested in – an apple cider since it’s christmas. 

“You don’t need to buy me a drink, it should be me since I bumped into you!” My comment made him chuckle and he laid his hand on my shoulder,

“ It takes two.” We got our drinks and stood semi-awkwardly at the bar since all the tables were preoccupied and I had no interest in heading back to mine. 

“So…do you often sing at events, Jonghyun?” I asked.

“ Mmm…not really, I usually keep my music pretty low-key – something I just do for myself but my friends encouraged me to you know put myself out there,” he smiled sheepishly, “ they couldn’t make it tonight though which in a way I am happy about, it’s easier playing in front of strangers than people you know.” 

We continued our conversation with ease. I found out that he worked in a publishing company and focused on children’s books but had a keen eye for poetry. “So you write your own lyrics?” I suggested. 

“ Yeah, I guess so. I mostly do covers of songs.” he rubbed the back of his head, perhaps out of embarrassment. 

“Wait so you didn’t write Last Christmas?” I jokingly said, “I hope you sing your own songs one day Jonghyun, seriously your voice is i ncredible.” A smile etched upon his face 

“ Thank you.” I turned around to take a peek at the table I had abandoned, what was I doing – I was meant to be here for TJ but I kind of just dipped off, maybe it was all in my head and I was causing this rift between us…I should go back. 

“I should head back to my evening festivities,” I pointed at TJ’s table, “I’m happy we bumped into each other. Happy holidays!” I raised my glass. 

“ I’ll certainly never forget this night or that amazing tacky sweater of yours...happy holidays.” And with that farewell I walked back to that table leaving Jonghyun at the bar, I felt an odd sense of sadness. Soon after the evening began to trickle to an end, I was left at the table with TJ, that girl and a couple other co-workers of his, the clock ticked gloomily and I wished I could head home already. I pushed the button on my sweater to make it light up, partly to entertain myself but flag down TJ for his attention. It did not work. I scanned around the bar for Jonghyun but it seemed like he had ventured off into the night and part of me wished I had gotten his contact information. Janice’s words rang into my ears “You’re taken remember.” Soon enough it was just three of us left at the table – “Hey TJ…could we leave soon?” He looked up at me as if I had asked him to move a mountain for me. 

“I guess.” he echoed back to me. He whispered into the girl's ear and she giggled, he got up from the table and began to leave. I scrambled for my coat and to catch up with him, jesus ing christ. 

“HEY! Wait up will you?” I yelled with a shoved my scarf in my coat while trying not to slip on the fresh snow that had fallen. TJ stopped and turned quickly. “Why did you not put in any effort tonight?” 

“What do you mean? I was ing ignored the entire night by you!” He rolled his eyes at me, “well if you had dressed you know nice like Meegan then maybe I wouldn’t have been so mad at you?” I couldn’t believe what he was saying to me at all. “I’m going home,” I pushed past him, “Merry ing Christmas TJ.” 

The hot tears formed as soon as TJ was out of sight, I should’ve just dumped him then and there…maybe I did without the actual words and he will go that silly little Meegan because I broke his heart. We’ve been through this before – a breakup that is. I am not even sure why I got back with him since he never showed any changes in his behaviour but I fell right back into his little web of lies and well here I am, alone near Christmas once again. The train station came into view and suddenly my phone began to ring, it was TJ.

“Hey, I’m sorry. Are you at the train station? Wait for me…please?”

What else was I supposed to do? We lived in the same apartment, I would have to face him then anyways…so i waited for him. I didn’t know the reason why I waited. It was neither a good or bad reason, I just waited. The air was growing colder, I continued to wait until the shivers began to enter my body. I could sense the warmth from the train station, it was luring me in. 

“Moon…is that you?” I turned expecting to see TJ but was surprised when I saw a starry eyed Jonghyun standing in front of me. I felt the air in my body quicken, I never thought I would see him again. 

“Yeah. Wow hi!” I smile at him, “I guess our paths keep crossing tonight!” He smiled back. 

“Yes, I guess they do,” he gestured to the open spot next to me on the bench,

“May I?” I nodded back at him, of course. We sat in silence only for a brief moment — “Here” he says and I look and he is handing me his scarf, “you’re cold, right?” I take the scarf and wrap it around my neck. I felt cozy, the harshness of the winter air seemed to vanish at that moment — probably delusion — I wondered how I could stay in this feeling for a while. “So…is everything okay?” He asks, “It’s not really any of my business but things seemed intense for you tonight.”

“I don’t know,” I was surprised at my own honesty, “things were really odd tonight — I’m not even sure I understood what happened.”

“You deserve better,” he was honest himself too.

“You hardly know me.”

“That is true,” he played with his guitar straps., “I -“ he began another sentence but we interrupted, 

“Moon?” I looked up and this time it was indeed TJ, I could tell he was taken back by seeing Jonghyun sitting next to me so I stood up, “It was nice seeing you again Jonghyun,” I began taking his scarf off, however he shook his head. 

“Stay warm,” he echoed as he stood up and walked towards the train station. Part of me hoped he turned back to look at me but he did not. I turned to TJ but there was nothing I could or wanted to say so we walked to our platform in silence — the train ride was also in silence —- we entered the apartment also in silence. The silence and tension between us became engaged as one. 

“I can’t believe you. “ he broke the silence and bursted confusion into the atmosphere.

“I’m not sure what you mean?” I remarked back.

“That—that guy! He was everywhere tonight with you. How do you think that makes me feel? And to find you with him after you left me in the middle of the street, how do you think that looks? How do you think that makes me feel?”

“So it is okay for you to do the same thing?” I asked firmly. 

He threw his hands up into the air. “Why do you not understand that it was all business?” He stormed towards me, “why do you have to ruin everything?” 

“Then why are you with me? If I am such an issue?” 

“ Because I love you!”

I didn’t even know how i felt, how does one feel when someone screams I love you at you and you just don’t believe them? The words do not feel sincere and merely just sounds like words formed by sounds. No meaning, no feeling behind them, just emptiness. Was this really love? There hadn’t been too many issues beforehand but there was a feeling of distance growing more and more each day, the feeling of love that first existed felt strained. Had I been holding on too tightly to the rope that connected us? Trying to keep everything together but yet in that moment i felt my grip around the rope of distance falter a little — was this worth it anymore? These memories of the past seemed like lies, the happiness that we shared many moons ago, was that even real? 

“I’m going to go bed — we can talk about this tomorrow.” I rubbed my forehead to remove the tension. 

“Of course. You always go to bed at times like these.”

“I’m tired — and we aren’t getting anywhere right now…we need to just rest and refresh.”

He rolled his eyes at me and left the apartment — into the night. 

I had no energy to go after him nor did I even want to at that moment. All I wanted was sleep but my body had other plans — I wasn’t even aware of what was happening but I had begun to pack up my belongings. I picked the clothes that mattered the most, the vinyl that I cherished and the little things here and there that I could not live without. I stared at the apartment, all this time being here…all the memories and hard work to make this place seem like a home would soon be gone from my life. A sense of sadness came onto me, I wanted to stay but I had to leave this place. I looked at the large suitcase and box of items, my life…my existence was in those things. How funny I thought to myself as I left a note and closed the door to that apartment for the last time. I wondered if Jonghyun and I would one day find each other again.