The first time Seulgi was ever shouted at, she was three. Or four. The exact age is fuzzy, though she knows Yerim wasn’t born yet. They were at a distant relative’s house, her mom was busy helping prepare the food, and her dad was busy with all the other boring adults so little Seulgi decided to go on an adventure. It was an old house full of dusty but pretty things and when she saw this particular vase on top of a dresser, Seulgi couldn’t help but be drawn to it. It was a beautiful shade of green with flowers all around it. It was so pretty that little Seulgi couldn’t help but reach up to touch it. She stood on her tiptoes, so close yet so far, and just as she was about to touch it, her arm was yanked away. 

And the screaming began. 

She doesn’t know how long it went for. She just remembers how loud it was, how her arm was beginning to hurt under that adult’s grip. She remembers being frozen in fear. She remembers her mom rushing to her side, and forcing her head down into a bow to apologize. She remembers fleeing the scene afterwards and hiding. No one goes after her. When she returns, they act like nothing’s happened. 

The first time Seulgi was ever shouted at over the phone, she was twenty. Her photoshoot ran a bit long and the rain in Jeju forced her to drive slower. She was meant to pick her girlfriend up twenty minutes ago. As she picks up the phone, Seulgi doesn’t even get the chance to apologize. All she hears is how long her girlfriend has been kept waiting. Seulgi hears how she’s supposed to do better. How she should’ve planned her photoshoot better. Seulgi wants to say how she messaged earlier that they’d end late, but the words are drowned out by the screams. She manages to say, “I’m on my way, please wait.” but the words, “Don’t bother!” are screamed back. It takes a while for Seulgi to realize that she’s frozen. That she has pulled over on the side of the road, the screaming coming through the car speakers. When it’s over, she drives and drives. She drives to the ocean to catch her breath. When she gets home, her girlfriend is asleep. When she wakes up, it’s like nothing happened. 

Seulgi closes her eyes, and it’s only then that she realizes she’s been trying not to cry as indicated by the throbbing on the side of her head. It’s also when she remembers she’s in the shower, and she tries her best to focus on the task at hand. 

How’d she get to those memories anyway? Seugi starts to wonder as she scrubs her body clean; she then decides to force her brain to think about anything else but that. To think of that pop song Yerim posted on her Instagram to fill her brain. Or that book Joohyun mentioned in the bookstore. It helps drown it out, and before she knows it, she’s clean.

As soon as Seulgi steps out of the shower, she lets out a high-pitched yelp as she quickly closes the shower curtain. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE!” 

The response she gets is manic laughter. 

Once the laughter has died down, Seulgi can picture the ghost shrugging as she finally answers her question. “Just checking if you’re alive. Thought you drowned in there, you’ve been there for almost an hour.”

Seulgi opens the shower curtain enough to stick her arm out to reach for her towel and wraps it around herself before she steps out a second time, “Couldn’t you have waited in the living room or something?! I was !” 

“Well, I sure hope so! Would be weird if you showered with your clothes on.” 

Seulgi rubs her temples, the throbbing on the side of her head slowly returning, but ultimately deciding it’s not worth arguing with Joohyun right now. “What is it? What do you want?”

“Nothing.” 

The throbbing in her head picks up even more. “So, you just did this for no reason?” 

“Well, I told you, you were in there for a long time. Needed to make sure you’re alive. Dunno what’s going to happen to me if you die or something.” Joohyun says with her annoying little grin, her voice behind Seulgi as she follows her into the bedroom. “Also. A long - well, very long - shower, clothes laid out, got a date tonight?” 

“Please turn around while I get dressed.”

“Fine. Not like I haven’t seen a body before. Besides, for all you know, I could have ghostly x-ray vision and see right through your little shower curtain.” 

Seulgi’s face heats up at the thought, “Please tell me you’re joking.” 

And of course, Joohyun’s cackle confirms it. “Yeah, yeah, don’t worry. I wouldn’t do that to you. Anyway, answer my question, got a date?” 

“Of course not. How would I get a date? You know I don’t go out, plus, if I did flirt with someone I’m sure you’d ruin it.” 

“Excuse me, how would I ruin it? I’d be a perfect wingman! I’d tell you all the right things to say!” 

“Doubt you even know how to flirt.” 

Joohyun gasps in mock offense, “Of course I do! And please, you’re telling me that you know how to flirt? You barely even talk to people!” 

“Of course I know how to flirt, I’ve dated before!” Seulgi blurts out.

“Wait- what-” Joohyun begins to ask when Seulgi’s phone begins to ring and a sense of dread fills her senses. She tries her best not to show she’s affected, and tries not to audibly sigh in relief when she sees it’s just her alarm telling her to leave soon. 

“That’s weird, I just realized I never heard your phone ring before.” 

“I just don’t like notifications.” Seulgi says, and cuts off the conversation by switching on her hairdryer. 

Thankfully, the rest of her preparation is pretty peaceful. She manages to tame her hair and dress up nice enough, and she leaves right on time. 

“I wish I could change clothes too,” Joohyun sighs as she looks at her reflection on the subway window. Seulgi nods in response, not wanting to draw attention to herself. She does admit to herself though that even though the ghost is in a t-shirt and denim jeans, she manages to look pretty. Though, as she watches Joohyun who has now busied herself with eavesdropping on stranger’s conversation, there is a part of Seulgi that kind of wants to see her in more girly outfits. (Seulgi quickly puts a stop to her imagination as soon as she feels her cheeks start to warm.) 

They walk for a bit, and Seulgi has begun to understand that when Joohyun is quiet, she’s trying to see if she can remember anything about where they are. She casts a glance at the ghost, and there’s something about the way her nose scrunches in concentration that she finds… well… cute. As they enter the apartment building, Joohyun only speaks as the elevator opens to their designated floor. “Wait, where are we?” 

“My best friend’s place. I’m having dinner with her.” Seulgi replies. Then, just as she’s about to ring the doorbell, Joohyun stops her with a, “Seulgi! Wait!” 

“Yes, Joohyun?” 

The ghost gives her a smile, “You look really pretty tonight.”  

A second of silence passes. Then another. And then Joohyun begins to laugh.

“SEE, I TOLD YOU I CAN FLIRT!!!”

“THAT WAS A COMPLIMENT! THAT’S NOT FLIRTING!” 

“Oh yeah? Then why are you smiling? I think you’re blushing too-” 

“Shut up! I am not-” 

The door swings open, “Seulgi! I thought I heard you!” and Seulgi is pulled into the arms of her best friend. 

“Wannie!!” Seulgi says as she squeezes her back in return. 

When they pull away, Seungwan looks around, “Were you talking to someone?” 

“Ah, no, there was a couple that just got into the elevator, they were pretty loud.” 

“Nice save,” Joohyun smirks beside her. 

“Oh, okay then. Your face is looking a little red though, are you okay?” Beside her, Joohyun begins laughing once more. 

“Yeah- It’s just- I ran over cause I was afraid I was going to be late.” 

“Actually, my dear best friend, a ghost flirted with me and she was so good at it that I’m blushing like crazy now.” Joohyun says in a mock Seulgi voice. 

“Shut up.” Seulgi mumbles, glaring at the ghost, as she follows her friend into the apartment. 

Seungwan simply laughs off Seulgi’s excuse but accepts it nonetheless. “You didn’t have to run over, though to be honest, I’m surprised you came. You weren’t picking up my calls-” 

“You know how my phone-” 

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry. I remembered how you hate notifications so I just hoped you’d come. I’m really glad you’re here, Seul. I know I just saw you when you moved but… I missed you.” 

The guilt hits Seulgi hard. She knows Seungwan isn’t trying to make her feel bad, but Seulgi knows she hasn’t been the greatest friend to her either. “I missed you too, Seungwan.” 

“Anyway, take a seat, food’s almost ready. Do you want some wine?” 

“You guys look cute but your dinner seems like it’ll be a bit boring, I’m going to snoop around a bit for something more exciting!” Joohyun says.

“Don’t-” is all she manages to get out but the ghost has already disappeared. 

“Seul? Don’t what?” Seungwan asks.

Seulgi forces a smile, “Don’t trouble yourself, Wan. I still know this place after all those years. Let me help you.” When Seungwan’s smile becomes even brighter, Seulgi feels the guilt hit harder. 

She really did miss Seungwan. Before she returned to Seoul, the last time she saw Seungwan in person was three years ago when she visited Jeju. Sure, they had tons of video calls in between, but being around Seungwan was different. Seungwan was like Yerim, in other words, the opposite of Seulgi. While Seulgi brought gloom, Seungwan brought light. She was sunshine, and she never left Seulgi’s side, even though Seulgi had told her a thousand times that she’s better off without her. 

Also like Yerim, Seungwan can fill in the silence. She can talk for days, and Seulgi doesn’t mind it. She doesn’t hear everything, her mind flitting in and out, though she tries her best to pay attention to everything that’s being said. Seungwan’s job is going well. She’s up for promotion. Seulgi says the appropriate congratulations and that she knows Seungwan can do it. It’s not a lie. She believes in Seungwan more than she believes in herself. Seungwan’s parents have been asking about her now that she’s back. Seulgi is honest again. She says she misses them too and she’ll try when she’s better. She can tell Seungwan is holding back a sigh. 

It is when dinner and dessert is over, and they’re about to finish the first bottle of wine when Seungwan clears . She announces she’s got a girlfriend and they’ve been dating for a while now, and Seulgi is genuinely happy for her. If anyone deserves happiness, stability, and love, it would be Seungwan. She tells a little bit about her, though the only thing Seulgi was able to get was that she’s a veterinarian and two years younger than them. 

Then, Seungwan takes a sip of her wine and takes a deep breath. “What about you, Seulgi? Are you planning to date again?” 

Seulgi bristles at that, “No. Of course not.” 

“But, Seoul is a new beginning! A chance to start over!” Seungwan replies, repeating the words she’s said over and over again when she and Yerim were convincing her to return to Seoul. “I’m sure that there’s a lot of great women here-” 

“Yeah- just- I’m a mess, Seungwan. You know that.” 

“You’re not a mess, Seulgi.” 

Seulgi shakes her head, “I am. And I’d just be a burden to whoever I try to date. Like how I’m a burden to you. And to Yerim. And to my parents.” 

“How many times do I have to tell you, you’re not a burden, Seulgi! If anything, I’d want you to lean on us more! You can’t handle this all on your own!” 

“I have to, Wan! I can’t disrupt your life. My life is on hold. I- I don’t even know for how long- I can’t do that to you too!” 

“Then what are you doing to move it forward?” Seungwan asks, “Yerim told me that you’re still reconsidering the interview. How can you move forward if you won’t take a chance?” 

Seulgi doesn’t respond. Seungwan continues, “You can’t keep letting your life go down this path because of a girl!” 

“You know she wasn’t just any girl, Seungwan. Not like the girls you used to sleep with whenever you wanted to.” 

The hurt on Seungwan’s face is evident but Seulgi can’t find it in herself to apologize, “That’s a low blow. You know I’m not the same person as before. Unlike you, apparently, who refuses to change.” 

“That’s not fair either.” 

“How isn’t it fair?” Seungwan argues, “When the evidence literally points to it! We’re trying to help you, Seulgi, but at some point you have to actually accept our help! I thought you coming home would mean you’d move forward but you’re still the same, just a different scenery!” 

“Well, I’m so sorry for disappointing you,” Seulgi mocks. 

“Seulgi, listen to me. It’s been more than a year! You’ve got to stop this and let it go. Let HER go!” Seungwan says, downing the last of her wine. 

And of course, as luck would have it, Joohyun chooses this moment to pop up from behind Seungwan, curiosity clear on her face. “Ooohh, is this drama I’m sensing? Tell me all about it.” 

Seulgi ignores her, focusing on Seungwan’s words. “So what if it’s been a year?! I was with her for seven! I’m allowed to ing grieve, Wan!” 

“But don’t you get it?! You’re also allowed to move on, Seulgi!”

“Ooohhh now I’m more curious. What happened, what happened, what happened?” Joohyun asks, bouncing around behind Seungwan.

“Shut up.” Seulgi seethes, her eyes now glue towards the ghost. 

Joohyun folds her arms, “Did she realize you were a huge grumpy pants and bolted?” 

“Shut up.” Seulgi says again as she closes her eyes and digs her fingernails into her palms.

Seungwan chooses this moment to stand and move in front of Seulgi, placing her hands on the taller woman’s shoulders. “Seul, listen to me! She’s the one that made a mistake, not you!”

“Oohh, I find that hard to believe.” Joohyun interjects, still standing behind Seulgi’s best friend. 

“Then why am I the one that was left behind?” Seulgi whispers, just enough for Seungwan to hear. 

“Seulgi, you’re okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s not you. Listen to me okay?” 

“Again, doubtful.” 

“Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP! I GET IT! I’M EXACTLY THE ING SAME! I’M STILL THE SAME ING MISTAKE! I GAVE HER MY ALL FOR SEVEN GODDAMN YEARS AND SHE LEFT ME BUT YOU DON’T HAVE THE ING RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT IT! YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING! IT’S NOT YOUR RELATIONSHIP-” Seulgi shouts, and as she opens her eyes, she catches the twin looks of shock from her best friend and the nosy spirit behind her. “Wan- no- I didn’t-“ 

Seungwan moves away as she stares at Seulgi, first angry, then resigned. “Fine. You won’t listen, you won’t even try to. But know this, Seulgi. Yes, you gave your all. You kept trying. She was a coward that couldn’t even talk to you and left you. So mope if you must, but you are still you. You’re still my best friend whom I love. Even if you shout at me when I’m trying to help.”

Seungwan doesn’t say anything else. She just folds her arms across her chest. Seulgi wants to say something. To apologize. To explain. Something. Anything. As Seulgi stands from her seat, Seungwan looks expectant. But all Seulgi does is turn around, grab her coat and run. 

She runs as fast as she can, her mind berating her for how she acted. How stupid she is. How she shouldn’t have lost her temper. How she’s never shouted at anyone, ever. How she can’t erase the look of shock and disappointment on Seungwan’s face. How she can’t erase the indescribable look on Joohyun’s. She runs the thoughts away, and before she realizes it, she's on the rooftop of her apartment building, staring out into the Seoul night sky. 

She takes a deep breath. The air here isn’t as clear as the beaches by Jeju but for some reason, it feels less heavy. The weight on her chest lessens. She looks up at the stars, again, not as much as her former home, and she lets herself breathe. But also, as she looks up, she finds it easier to hold back her tears. 

She then spots a familiar silhouette from the corner of her eye. The young ghost stands beside her, looking up at the stars as well. 

After some time, Joohyun speaks. “Seulgi, I’m really sorry. I took my teasing too far.” 

“S’okay.” 

“No, it’s not. I was truly an . I’m really sorry for being insensitive. I should have done better instead of adding onto it. I should have realized how much you were hurting.” 

“Apology accepted.” Seulgi says, finally turning towards the smaller woman. When the ghost looks doubtful, Seulgi reaches forward, only to be met with air. “I mean it, Joohyun. Apology accepted.” 

The ghost gives a small smile before she changes the subject, “Anyway, I need you to do something for me.”

Seulgi grunts, but doesn’t argue. There’s no point and she’s not in the mood to get into another argument so soon anyway. She’s led back down to the apartment and Joohyun points at a floorboard next to the first step. “You can open it.”

Seulgi does as she’s told, and finds a box underneath the loose floorboard. “A key?” Seulgi asks, and she finds herself smiling as she watches Joohyun try to not respond with a sarcastic remark. Instead, the ghost nods and tilts her head towards the locked closet in the hallway.

The closet reveals a bunch of items, but Seulgi doesn’t have time to go through them all as Joohyun instructs her to set up the record player and bring out the box of old vinyls. She tells her where in the apartment to place it, and finally, what record to play. When she’s done, she sits on the couch beside Joohyun, and Frank Sinatra’s voice fills the room.  

After a song passes, Seulgi asks, “So, Frank Sinatra, huh? I take it you’re a music lover?” 

Joohyun hums, “I think so.” 

“You think?” 

The ghost shrugs, “I was just bored one night and stuck my head into the closet, and it was weird how I remembered the player. I don’t recognize anything else in the closet. Just the player. And the records. This one in particular.” 

Seulgi flips around the record sleeve, her finger brushing the title, ‘Frank Sinatra Sings for Only the Lonely’, “Were you lonely?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe. But, I don’t know, I remember really liking this album. You can hear how vulnerable he is in this album. How raw his voice is but also how raw he’s being. You can hear the longing, the unrequited love- I like that.” 

They spend the rest of the record in relative silence. Seulgi simply listens, absorbing the music, while Joohyun hums along from time to time. 

When the last song ends and the record begins to scratch, Seulgi feels a cold sensation on her cheek. “You’re crying,” Joohyun says, as if she was attempting to wipe the tears away. 

Seulgi dries her face on the sleeve of her shirt, and stands to play the record again from the beginning. When she settles back down on the couch, Joohyun turns to her and asks, “Are you lonely?” 

“Yes. And no.” 

Joohyun doesn’t push, and usually Seulgi would leave it at that. But, maybe it’s because of the night she’s had that she continues speaking. “No, because I know I have people looking out for me. I have my parents, Yerim and Seungwan. I have them, and I know that. So, technically, I’m not lonely. And I hate how ungrateful I sound, but I still feel lonely even when I’m with them. I feel like I have to keep showing that I’m better, that I’m a little project and there are milestones to getting better that I have to meet. That’s why it’s so hard to see them. That’s why I’ve barely seen them. Because it takes so much energy to be lonely when you’re surrounded by people. Especially people who care.” 

“Maybe you feel lonely around them because you’re not yourself with them? Or, you’re not being honest with them.” 

“I don’t want to see them being disappointed in me. Plus, you heard what Seungwan said. I haven’t changed.” 

“Honestly, I think Seungwan said that out of hurt. The same way you did. I’ve only known you for about a month, but you have changed. When I first met you, you just mumbled and grumbled and barely looked like a person! And now, you’re going out, meeting friends, and remember yesterday we just bought you those art supplies? You’re growing, Seulgi. And I think your loved ones should know that too.”

“I’ve messed up more though.” 

“So? Seulgi, it’s clear that they truly love you. They will celebrate your wins and for your losses, they’ll help you through it. It’s better to be honest with them so you can feel comfortable with them and hopefully, feel less lonely too.” 

“Though, to be honest, there are times when I don’t feel lonely. And it’s strange cause it’s usually when I’m with you,” Seulgi blurts out. Joohyun’s eyes quickly grow wide as Seulgi quickly adds, “Cause you’re so annoying and nag me all the time- it’s easy to not feel lonely!” 

Joohyun rolls her eyes, “Fine, because I was an to you tonight, I’ll let that slide. Also, I think you should at least tell Seungwan you’re safe. I may not know her but it’s clear she cares for you and I’m sure she’s worried sick.”

Seulgi grimaces as she checks her phone to see multiple missed calls from both Seungwan and Yerim. She texts Yerim first to say she’s home, then she sends Seungwan a slightly longer text, adding an apology and that she’ll talk to her tomorrow. She’s also unsurprised to find Joohyun watching her over her shoulder. 

“What’s that about anyway?” Joohyun asks, pointing to Seulgi’s phone. “You never let it ring. You never check it either. You barely use it now that I think of it.” 

“I just… don’t like getting caught off guard.” When Joohyun responds with a raised eyebrow, Seulgi begins to explain. She tells Joohyun of that night when her girlfriend first shouted at her. How it caught her completely by surprise. How she drove, and how when she came back, it was like nothing happened. She felt like she imagined the entire thing. She told Joohyun how that was just the beginning. How she’d get a call, or text and it was angry and Seulgi would be frozen and not know what to do. How she always ran, and how when they saw each other, things seemed to be okay. 

“I… switched off the notifications because I wanted to be prepared for the worst when I opened my phone. Eventually, it didn’t matter anyway if I didn’t pick up the first time or if I responded late. At least if I picked up and she was mad, I was ready for it. And if she wasn’t, then I’d be happy.” 

Joohyun bites her lip as she processes the information. As soon as she’s done, she says, “Uh, Seulgi, your ex is a .” 

Seulgi laughs, “Yeah, I’m realizing it more now.”

“And you said you were together for seven years?” 

Seulgi nods, “It wasn’t all bad, you know? We withstood so much together. She helped me come out, she supported me when I set up my own photography business. She did me a lot of good and I loved her. A lot of what I achieved wouldn’t be possible without here.” 

“And then?” 

“Then… I don’t know. She left me. No word. No nothing. We were going to get married, and I thought she was just getting cold feet because she was extra cold to me the weeks leading up to it. But I thought, after we get married, it’ll be okay. But… I guess it was worse than that. One day I woke up and all her things were gone, I was blocked from everywhere possible, and no one seemed to know anything.”

“Again, your ex is a .” 

“Yeah.” Seulgi sighs as she runs her hands through her hair, “And now, I’m at that point where I’m realizing what a horrible person she was but I’m also still hurt and maybe still in love with her. Dumb, isn’t it?” 

“No, I think it’s normal. Seven years is a long time. I don’t remember if I’ve ever been in love but… I think even I’d be hurt if a relationship that long ended with no explanation. But I stand by what I said, I think you’re growing, Seulgi.  I said it the other day too,  I can see you’re trying and you know what? You’re doing well.” 

“Thanks, Joohyun. Really.” 

“And again, I’m really sorry for being an earlier and maybe for also getting on your nerves all the time. And for nagging all the time too.”

Seulgi nods, “Well, I’m sorry I yelled at you today. And all the other days. And for messing up your apartment. And for not being helpful.” 

“Hey! Don’t talk down to yourself like that! You’re plenty helpful. Sure we didn’t make much progress yet, but at least I’m not lonely in this weird middle afterlife. So, thanks for that. And you know, if the whole saving my soul thing doesn’t work, maybe we can find a way for me to just haunt your ex for all eternity.”

“Deal. And, in that case, thank you too. Your nagging is actually helpful and I don’t hate having you around. And thanks for listening to me tonight.” Seulgi takes a deep breath, “Aaanddd, you’re right. I’ll try as much as I can with them. I’m just not used to being around people who truly care for me anymore… especially having them so close to me. My parents, Yerim, Seungwan…” 

“Icareaboutyoutoo.” Joohyun mumbles, but Seulgi smirks as she catches it, “What did you say?” 

Joohyun groans, “I care about you too, Kang Seulgi. But only because if something bad happens to you, then I’ll be stuck like this forever.” 

“You know what? That’s good enough for me.” Seulgi says as she grins.

“You know what?” Joohyun mimics, slowly lifting her hand up to touch Seulgi’s face, though all Seulgi can feel is a cool sensation. “It’s really cute when you smile like this.” 

Seulgi can feel her face turn red at Joohyun’s words, before Joohyun begins cackling again. “I TOLD YOU I CAN FLIRT!!”

“I HATE YOU SO MUCH, JOOHYUN!!!” Seulgi shouts back, throwing a pillow at the ghost, which Joohyun dodges easily. The ghost then begins to taunt with, “You blushed! I made you blush!” and Seulgi keeps denying, trying to think of something to fluster the ghost. They spend the rest of the night just like that, Frank Sinatra’s voice silent long ago, only laughter and teasing between the two.

As Seulgi finally collapses back on the couch, her stomach hurting from laughter, Joohyun floats across her to say, “Oh, right, before I forget. Remember when I was snooping around your best friend’s house? I realized something.” 

Seulgi sits up to look Joohyun in the eye, “What is it?” 

“I saw a picture of her and her girlfriend. And, well, it hit me as soon as I saw it. I remember her girlfriend."