Confession

It had been a little less than a week since had come to the conclusion that he was rather stupid sometimes. Looking back on his Avoidance plan, he could lament how absolutely idiotic that entire concept was and his inability to realize as such sooner.Really what was he thinking? Did he really think that he could love Yesung any less? Yesung was special, he was unique, he was just his.His snarky demonic subconscious would cheekily interject ‘you weren’t thinking’, to which he would hang his head in shame.You don’t love someone like Yesung any less.All he had to show for his lack of sensible thinking was increased love and a new form of torture.Why he did these things to himself he would never understand.He was overjoyed that sense had returned and he had stopped that whole avoiding Yesung thing.He would be willing to admit that it was torture.He did not think he would ever miss another person the way he missed Yesung.The man was always right in front of his eyes and he still felt as if is insides were being burnt.He hated to even consider what it would be like, if Yesung were really not to be near him, beside him. He realized that he longed for the man; he craved his presence, hungered for his warmth. In a way he was pleased that the love he had was so strong. He was aware that everyone craved true love in a way.

He recalled reading a Greek Myth a long time ago,about soul mates.Supposedly Zeus had created man as a joint being,with four hands and feet but with one heart.To ensure that mankind remained subservient,he split the beings into two,splitting the heart in half.Thereafter man was doomed to wonder the earth searching for his other half,to be finally complete.At the time, his fifteen year old male mind thought it was all rather ridiculous,and utterly pointless that he had to spend valuable gaming time reading senseless tales of things that would never make any sense.At the time the female population was ohhing and ahhing, filled with exclamation of romance and love.He found them to be rather senseless as well.He concluded that literature would never be his forte,and was resolved to just get a passing grade. Looking back at it now, he still found it ridiculous, but could finally understand it a little bit.It in a way reflected what he felt.He did not know what exactly Yesung was,but could only ever think of the older man as his, part of his being, something he needed to feel whole.Did that make Yesung his soulmate? He was not sure.He did not think he had the mental capacity to really determine that,but using his generally rational mind,based on the evidence before him,namely his ability to smell coffee and cinnamon only,he decided that perhaps it was something similar. 

He was a person that believed in fate, in meeting destiny.When had Yesung become his destiny?He supposed he would never know.When he joined the band, he and Yesung did not have a particularly close relationship nor where they especially tense. Yesung was just another hyung.AS time elapsed he grew a fondness for the odd man.He found him interesting and someone he was comfortable with,someone he could count on,someone he could trust. Little by little,Yesung had become this unexplained phenomenon simply known as special. He could never really ever describe Yesung other than being special, other than being his. He, after much fighting and torture from his sometimes evil subconscious had come to realized that the feelings he were harbouring were indeed love.Then he had that embarrassing failure called Avoidance.Having determined that it was love he felt, and not just love, but love possibility the type that made someone your soulmate, that he could not deny it, that he could not avoid it,what was he supposed to do next?

Those were the thoughts that had occupied Kyuhyun’s thoughts for the entire week, since he quit his avoidance thing and were the thoughts currently swirling around in his mind as he sat at the breakfast table. He casually picked at his rice, more interested in staring at Yesung covertly as possible, hoping that just the sight of the man’s face would be a sufficient trigger of a brilliant idea to his next course of action. ‘Confess’ that internal enemy would whisper whenever he thought of the matter, which to be truthful was every other minute. He continuously dismissed that ridiculous notion. How on earth was he supposed to just confess? He still did not know what he was supposed to do with the feelings. They were beyond weird and rather problematic. He was not exactly ready to face the implications of such feelings. Did loving Yesung make him gay? If he was gay wasn’t he supposed to find men attractive? He had yet to find a man particularly attractive. He could not even say he found Yesung particularly attractive. The man was handsome and cute and amazing and special and adorable….wait where was he going with this again? Right! Yesung was many things, but he could not claim he found him especially attractive, at least not the way he found the girls from the last Playboy Bikini edition attractive. This was all giving him a headache. Here he was in love with a man, yet had no idea what the hell was happening. What was he supposed to do now? He warned that snarky little bastard called his subconscious, that he would not tolerate any suggestion of a confession. Was it crazy? Yesung would think he was insane. Hell! Maybe he was insane. Who was that much in love, soulmate possible sort of love, yet had all these other issues?

“Kyuhyun are you feeling okay? You are not eating.” Ryeowook inquired with a gently smile and a tilt of his head towards the bowl of rice basically untouched. His inquiry had roused the interest of the others also present at the table, Yesung included, who would look at Kyuhyun with those almond shaped eyes softening with concern. Kyuhyun wanted to scream. Did he always have to look at him so gently? Had he no idea the sort of stress he was causing Kyuhyun? In a month Kyuhyun had not slept a single night well. If it was not something then it was the other, all relating to that man and those blasted eyes. The worst part was that Kyuhyun felt himself melting into them, feeling the warmth wash over him.

“ I am fine. Just not hungry I guess” Kyuhyun assured with a small smile,  directed at the concerned eternal maknae, who had been watching him with worried eyes. Kyuhyun knew that Ryeowook had been observing him  a couple of days well. He was waiting for the intervention that would soon follow. Ryeowook was probably his best friend, but he did not think this is something he would understand. Kyuhyun himself did not understand it properly, how could he expect Ryeowook to understand?

“ Even so, you should still eat Kyu ah ” Kyuhyun heard that husky voice, gently instructing, mild reprimand, eyes bearing into him, as if convincing him it was the best course of action, that his words were right. Kyuhyun felt mad. Not mad at the man, but mad at himself. The second he heard that voice, he felt warmth spread through his body, his heart rate increase ever so slightly. Was this what he was reduced too? A simple sentence causing this much reaction? He became so much more sensitive after his dabble with avoidance, his mind once again his enemy ‘that’s what you get for being an idiot’. Kyuhyun would only nod dumbly at Yesung and pick up his chopsticks. Yesung’s face would them change into a smile, that warm smile, nodding his head in response.

Everyone else at the table would simply watch the exchange, feeling strangely left out of the equation. It was obvious to most of them that something was in the air between the two, but had no idea exactly what it was, deciding that they would just let it all play out. They had realized that Kyuhyun had been behaving strange and even Yesung was more odd than usual. Usually the two were close, but the more perceptive members that realized that Kyuhyun was possibly avoiding Yesung. Had they made up? They suspected that they did, but now everything felt tense, charged with some unknown energy. Whatever it was, each other member hoped in their own way that their main vocalists would work it out. They did not really worry much though, as it was common knowledge that aside from Siwon, Yesung was especially close to Kyuhyun. They were sure that no matter the circumstance, they would not be able to stay apart for long. A few of the more observant members would attest however, that whatever it was, it was not just a little fight. Interesting days were to come they were sure.
 

Kyuhyun returned to his room feeling tired and frustrated. He really did not know how much more of this he could take. He honestly thought the hard part was over. Did he not suffer enough? He honestly thought that love was supposed to make things easier. Kyuhyun sighed. He back to contemplation. He wondered what he could reasonably do in such a situation. Could he realistically just continue in the same vein? He knew that he loved Yesung; that was painfully and embarrassingly obvious. He wondered if that love could just be left alone, if he could just leave it to exist, to continue. Was it really necessary to act upon? He could just let it persist. Yesung was close enough, he was near him, he could see him, he could hear his voice and he feel the warmth of his smile. He did not need to be greedy. If he acted upon it, everything could change. What if Yesung thought he was weird? What if the other man thought he was crazy? What if Yesung decided he no longer wanted to be near Kyuhyun? And the what if he feared the most; what if he did not feel the same way? Kyuhyun decided that he hated the word if, better yet he hated the whole concept of what if.

Kyuhyun was resolved. Since he could not (Really? You can’t? You’re just being a coward) act upon his feeling, he will just let them be. How bad could it be really? Yesung would still be there and he would be near him. He did not need Yesung to reciprocate his feelings. In a realistic world they were his problem. Who told him to have those feelings anyway? You know what? It was not his fault. It all Yesung’s. Why did the man have to so loveable, to have such warm fingers, eyes that haunted him. Who told Yesung to do this to him? Who told him to make Kyuhyun the love sick idiot that he was? Now Kyuhyun was left all alone to deal with all these conflicting thoughts and emotions. Kyuhyun now just felt sad. Why was the world so hard? Why was life so confusing? Why was it all he had were questions? Once again Kyuhyun felt like crying. He looked up at his ceiling, once more hoping that the inanimate object could give him the answers, show him the future, and once again dismissing the thoughts of those of a man that had lost his mind. He wondered how did other people dealt with love. He had an idea!

“Shindong hyung what did you do when you were in love?” Kyuhyun questioned, as nonchalantly as possible, when he finally found Shindong in his room surfing the net. Kyuhyun had realized that the only way to deal with his problem was to examine how other people dealt with similar matters. He was in love and did not know what to do. The only other person he knew that had that sort of love was Shindong.

“What do you mean Kyuhyun ah?” Shindong asked as he turned away from his computer to stare at the maknae who had asked him a truly odd question. Kyuhyun never asked about anything like that and if he was to be honest Kyuhyun never really asked him much of anything. He knew Kyuhyun would rather Yesung or Sungmin answer his questions. Shindong felt intrigued. Why was Kyuhyun coming to him and even more interesting why was he asking about love?

“Nothing really serious. I just wondered what you did when you realized you were in love with Nari ssi“ Kyuhyun explained, once more trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. He really did not want to have to explain to Shindong or anyone for that matter, why he was now interested in the whole dealing with love thing.

“Well when I realized I was in love, I thought about for a bit. I realized that I wanted to share it with her and then naturally I just confessed. Why are you so interested now? When I told you guys about it, you just laughed at me. Are you interested in someone?” Shindong looked at him with sparkling teasing eyes. Shindong wondered if Kyuhyun was really interested in someone. His face though had remained stoic, so it was hard to tell .It was still puzzling why Kyuhyun had asked but Shindong would be happy  to help, even if he did not know why.

“I’m not. I was curious that was all” Kyuhyun responded, face firm, sounding rather bored. He hoped that those musicals he acted in had improved his poker face. He nearly had a heart attack when Shindong asked if he was interested in someone. Did Shindong know? Then he realized that Shindong was just teasing and had endeavored to protect his secret, hardening his face as much as possible.

“ Anyway thanks, even if it was as uninteresting as I suspected.” Kyuhyun taunted a little, forcing a teasing smirk onto his face. If he was going to convince Shindong that the matter was irrelevant he had to respond as Shindong would expect.

“Yah you brat! You came just to tease” Shindong laughed as he throw one of the pillows he picked up from the bed at Kyuhyun who nimbly avoided it, returning a laugh as he exited. Shindong for his part thought the question was odd, but thought nothing further of it, chalking it up to Kyuhyun just being his usual evil self and Kyuhyun, himself grateful that Shindong was sufficiently convinced of no other intention being present.

Kyuhyun returned to his room feeling dejected. That was another utterly pointless action. Kyuhyun could not actually confess could he? If he confessed that would make everything real. When it became real, it meant that things would change; that things would get problematic .He would have to face questions that he would give an arm and leg to avoid. That vault of issues he had barricaded would be opened and there would be no shoving them back into the pits from which they came. Even if he confessed what was he hoping to achieve really. Things would just get complicated, as if they weren’t complicated enough as is. He sighed once again. Kyuhyun would swear that he had sighed more in the last month than he had in his entire life. Why did everything have to be so complicated? Kyuhyun was tired. He was just going to let things flow. He did not have to act on it. He could let things continue as were. He mentally murdered the voice claiming that he was being stupid again, that it won’t work. He would show it! He was going to make this work.

With new resolve Kyuhyun decided to continue along the path. He was going to be strong. He loved Yesung , but that did not mean he was compelled to act on it. Love could just exist, he was sure of it. Kyuhyun was glad that he had that Radio Star recording. It gave him the opportunity to clear his thoughts and put things into perspective. He allowed himself to settle his thoughts and for the rational being to take over. He was not the first person to fall in love and he was definitely not going to be the last. Love was a sneaky creature that was hell bent on causing misery and eternal confusion. Something like that would always be there to drive young men and women to the brink of insanity he was sure. All he had to do was bring in under control. He could do that. It would not be that difficult. He was well aware that he had limited will power, but all he was asking himself to do this time was to just let his love remain present but unannounced. It was not as if he was asking himself to shut Yesung out of his life. His mind protested at the very thought. Yesung could never leave him. He won’t ever let him. Great! Now he felt like some stalking freak. No wonder he could never confess. If he said something like that Yesung would definitely never talk to him again.

Kyuhyun returned to the dorms feeling much more confident. He had a set course of action. He was a rational person, contrary to what his confused; love sick mind had been exhibiting. Rationally, he was sure it was possible to let things continue as they were and it should not have any particular negative effects. He could not destroy the love, but acting on it was impossible, sensibly the only thing left to do was accept it as part of life and just move on. He was really hopeful that it would work. He had nothing to lose really, not even his sanity, which was sacrifice in this love battle long prior.

His entire resolve came crashing down when he saw it, him, them. He felt as if he were choking. Yesung was sitting on the couch, head resting comfortably on Siwon shoulder, as Siwon’s hand stretched behind him far enough to rest on the smaller’s shoulder and arm, whilst both watched some movie on the large television. Rest? It looked more like a caress to Kyuhyun. Yesung would say something, to which Siwon would laugh that annoying laugh of his, well Kyuhyun found it annoying anyway, and Siwon would smile as if he as if he were in heaven. The sight sickened Kyuhyun. Honestly, why on earth was Siwon always here? Did Yesung always have to spend so much time with that skinship hungry horse? Kyuhyun felt sick. He was torn. He could either break up that little love fest, his mind laughing at his description, or he could return to his room and torture himself about what they were doing. Whilst he would appear to take sick pleasure in being mentally tortured by the sheer number of times it had occurred, he had never once ever enjoyed it. He would definitely be breaking up this love fest.

“ Hyung” Kyuhyun called as he approached Yesung and Siwon. Yesung turned in his direction to give him one of those blinding smiles of his, welcoming him with his eyes. Siwon was looking at him questioningly, but always with good manners, smiling a small smile as a sign of greeting. Kyuhyun for his part was ignoring their reaction, instead making his way swiftly to the couch, removing his bag hanging on his shoulder placing it on the floor as he deliberately took a seat next to his hyung, a seat especially close to the older man.

“Kyu ah. I’m glad you are back” Yesung happily expressed, turning his attention away from Siwon, to smile at the maknae who had taken just residence next to him. Yesung had not seen Kyuhyun all day and in away missed him a little. He was really happy when Kyuhyun stopped avoiding him, but since then things were a little tense, but atleast Kyuhyun was not keeping himself away from him. He could deal with tense and awkward, he could not survive without Kyuhyun though.

“Yeah. I finished earlier than expected. What are you watching?” Kyuhyun inquired, but not really caring for the answer. He just wanted Yesung’s attention directed at him. He only wanted that smiling face turned in his direction, that concern for him.

“Siwon and I are watching Romance Joe. Do you want to watch with us? Yesung invited excitedly, happy to have Kyuhyun near him. Kyuhyun for his apart was rather pleased with the invitation, but internally cringed at the words ‘Siwon’ and ‘us’. Why couldn’t it just be the two of them, Yesung and him? Kyuhyun ignoring the snarky demon within who was dying laughing at him and his ridiculousness.

“Sure” Kyuhyun replied, smiling at Yesung and only Yesung, never letting his eyes look towards Siwon, who was observing the both with mild confusion. Kyuhyun did not think Siwon deserved his attention, especially when he could be focusing on Yesung. It had nothing to be with that bubbling distaste he recently had for the man.

“Great. Well the story is about this….” Yesung was excitedly telling Kyuhyun about all that he had missed, but Kyuhyun was not really listening, instead was plotting how to get Siwon to move his hand. He knew he could never ask him too. That would be too awkward and Siwon was still a hyung. ‘Glad you remember’ that snarky demon chimed in, which was ignored by Kyuhyun. Instead he was busily maneuvering his body closer to Yesung, in a way that Yesung would have to move.

“Are you uncomfortable?” Yesung asked a little concerned.He had seen Kyuhyun squirming about and only now stopped to consider whether the maknae was able to find a proper place. Without even waiting for his answer, Yesung began shifting his body around, trying to make space for Kyuhyun, in the process dislodging himself from Siwon’s grip and forcing Siwon to line himself up a little more straight and not as close anymore. Kyuhyun only looked on with concealed glee. Score!

“Better?” Yesung questioned innocently, still trying to make room for Kyuhyun, who he had yet to realize did not actually need any.

“Much” Kyuhyun answered when he saw the small pout on Siwon’s face. The older man had lost both Yesung’s attention and warmth in less than two minutes. Somehow Kyuhyun found joy in Siwon’s misfortune. Kyuhyun was also grateful that Yesung was always so innocently oblivious. He chuckled at the thought, but felt warm inside when he realized that it was another reason to love the odd man.

Kyuhyun spent the next half an hour in either covertly glaring at Siwon or smiling at Yesung. He continuously shifted easily, till he and Yesung were shoulder to shoulder, his hand now and then touching Yesung’s little fingers, only be to overwhelmed by the warmth each time. Yesung remained blissfully oblivious to the little power play happening around him. He still spoke to Siwon and would smile at the larger man ever so often, yet had not realized that Kyuhyun would draw his attention always just when Siwon would make to respond. He did not see the disbelieving semi confused looks Siwon would throw in Kyuhyun’s direction nor the slight pout Siwon would wear each time he was cut off midway in his response. Yesung unfortunately was just too happy to be able to spend time with Kyuhyun and Siwon, to notice any of these strange occurrences. Siwon, whilst confused by Kyuhyun’s conduct, still refused to lose to the maknae, and so would still attempt to gain Yesung’s attention. When he did secure it, he would be pleased to make the man smile or chuckle lightly, before Kyuhyun would say something to pull Yesung’s attention to him. Yesung was still fairly engrossed in the movie, but both men beside him probably had not the slightest idea what was going on. Kyuhyun would smile to himself secretly every time he saw that frustration building within the man. It gave him joy, he could not understand ( Phff …Like you don’t know why), well he pretended he did  not understand. Couldn’t his evil mind just let him enjoy his joy? Really who needed enemies when it had a subconscious like his?

Eventually Siwon stood up, smiling down at Yesung as he informed that he had to leave for a schedule. Yesung expressed his dissatisfaction, smiling at Siwon sadly, stating that he wished to see Siwon later and that he would wait for him then. Siwon would just take his hand a little squeezing his lightly, before smiling fondly at him. Finally Siwon would turn to Kyuhyun, state that he was leaving and would smirk a little in his direction. Kyuhyun for his part looked at all of this in silent horror. He was so distracted that he did not hear Siwon’s greeting nor Yesung calling his name. He was only pulled from his stupor when he felt that sinful warmth against his cheeks.

“Kyu ah are you alright? Siwon left, but you seemed too lost to notice? Are you not feeling well?” Yesung questioned, voice filled with new worry. Kyuhyun’s eyes looked distant. Yesung wondered what could have happened to his Kyuhyunnie that quickly. That his again. What was happening to him?

“I’m fine hyung. Let’s just watch the movie” Kyuhyun assured, pointing with his head in the direction of the TV. Yesung did not look convinced but still turned his attention towards the movie still playing. Kyuhyun closed his eyes and begged his subconscious to give him these few minutes of peace with Yesung before all hell broke loose. He did not know what the future was going to hold but he knew in that instant that the world was going to change drastically. He instead just wanted to concentrate on the warmth near him. Who knows if he would be able to feel it again?

Kyuhyun returned to his room and headed straight to his bed, throwing himself flat on his back, staring at that useless ceiling. He was grateful for the solitude; happy that Sungmin had a Sukira meeting to attend and Yesung had left to visit his mother briefly. His world had just come crashing down. He needed to mourn for it privately. His world plan was anchored on one principle concept. When that concept was displaced or disproven the rest became useless. His entire theory was unraveling before his eyes  and there was nothing he could do. He saw Yesung’s eyes mist over for that split second with sadness, he heard him lament Siwon’s departure, he had seen the smile he flashed when Siwon said he would be back later. He felt the horror in that split second, everything was wrong. His whole plan was based on Yeusng always being there, always being unattached. What if Yesung was not going to be there? He hated the way Siwon looked at Yesung. He was not jealous, he really was not, which his mind responded with a mocking ‘Yeah Right!’, which he as too busy losing his sanity to deny. He was seriously starting to hate that Siwon. What gave him to right to smile at his hyung like that and what made him so special that Yeusng would respond in kind. Rationally he knew that Siwon probably did not love Yesung the way he did but that did not make the bitterness any less. Yesung’s smiles were only supposed to be for him Goddammit!

 In the rational part of his mind he knew that the relationship was only hyung/dongsaeng, but was to stop that from changing? He didn’t think he would be in love with Yesung either and here he was a love sick fool, losing his mind after a smile was directed to another. Yesung was just so special, just so everything, what would stop Siwon from loving him as well? If Siwon was smart he would love him too. Then on the flip side Yesung was already so fond of Siwon, what if he fell in love with him. He scoffed at the idea. Who would choose Siwon over him? Then his evil mind would chime in ‘You haven’t given him the choice’. His head hurt and he had not even considered the possibility of other people. Yesung is always going on and on about that actress. What was her name again? Right, Moon Guen Young. Kyuhyun did not know if he could compete again her. She was a girl and well, he just wasn’t.

”Aarrgghhh” Kyuhyun screamed, thankfully nobody was there to hear him.

Now that he had identified the problem; what on earth was he going to do about it? One thing was for sure he could not loose Yesung. No way , no how! He was not willing to give up Yesung. Even at the risk of sounding like a deranged stalker, he was never going to give him up, he was his and always would be, heaven help him. He had to be willing to face his fears, to swallow his pride, to man up and fight for what he loved. ’That’s the spirit’ he chuckled at his mind. It was never any help he reckoned. Aside from his mind being a mood killer, he had some serious decisions to make. If he confessed, he would be opening Pandora’s Box and there was no telling what he would unleash. Was he ready to face the consequences? Could he be willing to make the sacrifices, face the uncertainty and possible negativity? Was he brave enough for that? ‘So you finally admit you’re a coward then’ seriously what was a man to do to vanquish an unruly subconscious?

Kyuhyun knew this was the moment of truth. He had to decide if he was strong enough, if he was man enough to fight for his love. He had read a long time ago, that only the strong truly deserved love. He dismissed it, but now he understood. The writer did not mean that only strong people deserved to be loved, just that for love to blossom a person had to be strong, to hold it and to fight for it. Kyuhyun wondered if he would ever possess that sort of strength. He was lost. ‘Isn’t he worth it?’ an almost calming voice against from the murky abyss,like a beam of sunlight through dark clouds.Kyuhyun would swear on his life that Yesung was always worth it.Yesung was special. He was all he needed. The world was a better place once Yesung was by side, near him.For Yesung he would do anything; including face his fears.Everything he worried about seemed so much smaller,so insignificant now. He could do whatever it takes to have Yesung by his side,even deal with an uncertain future.Then again the future would always be perfect even if it was hard and tortured once he could hold Yesung’s hands and let that never ending warmth wash over him. ’You are embarrassing now. Since when did you become so sappy?’ He could never please his subconscious he decided. Didn’t it want him to feel the love and fight for it? He was then informed that it was just teasing.He really hated his subconscious, almost as much as he hated Siwon today.'You don’t hate us’ it was right, but he would not admit it.

That settled it. Kyuhyun was going to confess .Really he was, if he ever stopped hyperventilating just at the thought of confessing. Before it was much easier.It did not matter really,the worst she could do was say no.This time he had so much more to lose,so much he couldn’t even bear the thought of losing it at all.He was playing with true love, a great friendship,a brotherhood, a successful career,expectations and so much more.What if Yesung said no? Everything would be destroyed. He may not die but he definitely would wish he had.He hoped he would be strong enough to survive the possible rejection,but he knew his heart wouldn’t be able to bear so much pain.How life changed.He had never feared rejection; now that was all he feared.It was so much better convincing himself that Yesung could love him too,than posing the question and getting a negative response.He couldn’t take it anymore!

He had not even considered how he was going to do that stupid confession.Should he just say it? Or plan something romantic? Who was he kidding? He did not have a single romantic bone in his body and he sincerely doubted Yesung had fangirl inclinations.What was he going to do? It was all just going to be awkward and weird and he wanted to cry.Love truly .He hated love and never wanted to see it ever again.He only wanted Yesung.He had decided. He was just going to walk straight up to Yesung and that was it. Consequences be damned.He was tired of being tortured, about wondering about every single little thing. He had been brash his entire life and had survived, he was going to survive now. ‘Are you really going to chance losing Yesung on being brash?’ his conscious cautioned slightly.What was wrong with his stupid conscious? Couldn’t it see he was encouraging himself, building his fleeting courage? He would never have the will to do this if he thought about it. He was just going to do it and hoped it all worked out.Oh how he hoped.

Kyuhyun walked too Yesung’s room,stopping every single step,to convince himself that he was doing the right thing, that it was all going to work out.By the time he got to the door,he was begging to run away and hide in his room.He couldn’t do this.What if Yesung rejected him?What if he never spoke to him again? What if he thought Kyuhyun was weird? What if he said he knew could love Kyuhyun? What if he told everyone Kyuhyun was crazy?What if he stopped being Kyuhyun’s friend? Kyuhyun felt like crying for the umpteenth time that month. He utterly despised the words ‘what if’. Standing by the door, his mind was begging his body to turn back.He was not ready.Apparently his subconscious had had enough.’Stop being such a coward. Man up. You can do this. You are Kyuhyun!’ Kyuhyun appreciated the encouragement but it did nothing to still his nervous heart that was close to a rate he was sure his body was not meant to take.He had stood on stages in front of Tens of Thousands of fans,yet his heart had never beaten that quickly in his life.He watched in horror as his hands reached up on their own accord to knock on the door. Even his hands were betraying him now.What he had done to the world to have such a treacherous body, he wondered.

Yesung had called out a greeting to enter but Kyuhyun was still frozen in shock,eyes staring at the hands on the door,not even processing the welcoming greeting.He stood there for more than a minute just staring at his hand, wondering if it was truly his own hands that had condemned him.Yesung it seems had gotten curious to the lack of response and was now standing in front of Kyuhyun looking at him worriedly.Kyuhyun body stood rigidly, eyes completely forced on the hands that had not moved from its knocking position.Its seems as if Yesung was speaking to him but he did not have the mental capacity to understand anything at that moment.He was only pulled from his daze,when he felt Yeusng’s always warm fingers,tenderly surround his wrist and pull him ever so gently into his room. He could make out words now.

“Are you okay Kyuhyun? Can you hear me? Is something wrong? Do you need a doctor? Should I call Leeteuk? Are you hurt somewhere?” Yesung kept asking him questions eyes piercing into him, voice a mix of worry and panic,face starting to show actual signs of panic.He positioned Kyuhyun on the bed and just looked at him. His eyes staring deep and long into Kyuhyun’s nearly still eyes.He was speaking to Kyuhyun,begging him to talk to him, to tell him what was wrong.Kyuhyun could not believe he was causing the man he loved…..he was tired of saying that. He wondered if there was a word stronger than love,because in that moment he would swear love did not do justice to the feeling inside his heart, inside his soul.This was it.No more hiding, no more worrying, and certainly no more what ifs.Yesung deserved the best.He deserved to know what Kyuhyun felt. He deserved to know that someone loved him that much even if he did not feel that way for Kyuhyun.

“Hyung just sit and listen okay.Don’t say a word, just let me speak.Can you do that?" Kyuhyun sputtered out. He did not know how he found his voice but he was grateful that he did.He took a deep breath and stood up.He loosened Yesung’s hold on his fingers and guided the now shocked man into his now vacant position.Yesung was looking at him like he was crazy, his eyes worried and lips looking as if they held back a mountain of questions. Kyuhyun smiled. That was the man he loved.

“Can you do that for me hyung? Can you just sit there and listen to whatever I say?Can you not interrupt no matter what I say?” Kyuhyun inquired eyes firmly locked into Yesung’s,silently pleading to grant him this one request,to just do as he asked.Yesung was confused,Kyuhyun could tell, but he saw when the man nodded.He took that his que to begin; only pausing to warn Yesung to not interrupt, no matter what.

Kyuhyun took deep breathes and gathered his fleeting courage.It was now or never.There was no turning back.He was going to do this.He allowed his mind to take in Yesung one last time.He knew there was a possibility that he would never be this close again, but his mind encouraged him.There was also the possibility he would be much closer.Shouldn’t he be willing to take the chance, to take that leap of faith? Yesung was worth it. He really was. Those were Kyuhyun’s final thoughts as he began.

“I don’t know how to say this really.I don’t even know why I am saying this.I am probably crazy to even think about saying this.I think I have lost my mind.I really have.”Kyuhyun said getting up from in leaning position to begin to pace back and forth in front of Yesung whose eyes stalked Kyuhyun’s movement, still worried and a little panicky.

“I love you.Not just like that hyung /dongsaeng thing, but like that in love with you thing. Like how I like girls kind of thing. It’s really weird.I am sure I still like girls and I am sure I don’t really like other men but I definitely like you. No I don’t like you .I love you. I truly love you. It’s so bad that all I can smell sometimes is coffee and cinnamon. I don’t know if you know, but you smell like coffee and cinnamon.” Kyuhyun chuckled a little as he said that, took a deep breath, as he continued his pacing in front of Yesung, his eyes only darting to Yesung for a split second, seeing his face in a perfect oh shape, before he pulled his eyes away ready to continue his? His subconscious supplied the word rant.

“I can picture your eyes perfectly .If I close my eyes for a split second, I can see perfect replicas of almond shaped eyes.Your eyes are almond shaped and your hands are really warm.I don’t know how such tiny fingers could be that warm but they are really warm.Sometimes that is all I can think about when you touch me, how warm your hands are.I also know that you tap your feet or play with your fingers when  you are bored, that your face scrunches up a little before you laugh and that you smile a little more brightly at Siwon hyung, which annoys me” Kyuhyun stopped to take a breath at that point, eyes flickering to Yesung to indicate that the Siwon thing was really annoying, seeing the man in a shocked state, mouth hanging open now, choosing to continue.

“I tried everything you wouldn’t believe. I have been tortured for weeks. I tried denying it but that did not work then I tried avoiding you,which I am sorry for,but that was just an absolute failure.It only made me love you more if that is even possible.I was just going to let the love thing remain silent, but I can’t bear the thought of losing you.I am so nervous right now.I am sure I am rambling now.I know what I am telling you is weird and confusing and I am not sure where this would lead to.I am not stupid. I know that everything will be hard, but I know that I love you. Can’t that be enough hyung? Honestly I don’t know what I am hoping for.I guess I just wanted to know if you loved me too?” Kyuhyun ended his pacing, finally looking at Yesung questioning, waiting for an answer.Kyuhyun knew Yesung probably did not process half of what he said, but that was the only way he could do it really.He just had to say it all. Get it all off his chest.He would have to learn to live with the consequences now.He was ready to face his faith, when he saw Yesung finally pulling his face into a position to respond.

“Kyu ah I-“ Kyuhyun panicked.Yesung sounded daze.He couldn’t face a rejection right now.He needed time to prepare his heart, to at least be able to survive it. It would never be able to accept it, but at least he could give it time to survive.

“Wait I changed my mind. Hyung just think about it okay. Don’t say anything now,just think about what I have said and make up your mind.I am not going to pressure you.I can survive if you reject me.It will hurt like hell, but I only care about your happiness.I will accept whatever you decide alright.I am sorry for doing this.It’s not even romantic and must be stressful for you.I really do love you though.I don’t think I will ever be able to describe it to you.Just think about it okay.” Kyuhyun said all this in one quick breath, turned to look at Yesung on last time lovingly, walked towards the shocked man,placed his hands on his cheeks and whispered “I love you” then quickly his heel and bolted for the door.

All two thoughts were present thereafter

“What the hell did I just do?”

“What the hell just happened?”

A/N: There you have it my interpretation of the Confession, continuing on from Avoidance.Wanted to get it up before classes resumed.I am sorry that it is so sappy,but it’s a confession,so kinda had to be sappy.I may be on a little hiatus; we will have to see how things go with my term papers.If they work out,then as usual a fluff piece will follow then would be the Acceptance portion.

A/N 2: Thanks to my favourite dongsaeng @PreciousKyu or @Kyurotic for all the encouragement. I really appreciate it. Always ♥

Comments are imperative. When you guys don’t comment I am never sure anyone is reading and I am not motivated to continue. Please comment and make me happy :)