"You know, sometimes I want to give up everything."

Chan turned his head so fast it's a miracle he couldn't tell broke his neck, staring at me with wide eyes, shocked at what I just said.

“What are you talking about?” he asks softly come and sit next to me on the sofa

“You know it very well my life is bland and unimportant. Every day is the same and nothing exciting ever happens since he is gone”.

Listen, I understand that it's not easy, but we have to move on, he wouldn’t like to see you like this”. He says with the same soft voice.

I laugh a little at this sentence.

“You don't understand anything at all Chan”.

“I do, I lost my best friend Jisung don't forget that “

This time if I look at him outraged, I can feel the anger rising in me.

“And I lost the love of my life Chan; I lost everything that day, you weren't the one to get a call from the hospital to tell you your fiancé is dead, you weren't the one who had to call his parents to tell them to cancel the preparations for the wedding but instead preparing a funeral because their son died, and you are lucky to still have Felix by your side , so no Chan I can say without hesitation that you have no idea what I feel” I said before getting up from the couch and heading for the door, I can hear Chan calling me but this talk is over.

I put on my shoes and leave his apartment direct me to ours, it's strange how I continue to consider this cold apartment as ours , now that you are no longer there , once arrived I go directly to our room to sleep without forgetting to take my medication, or it will be too difficult to close my eyes.

 

 

 

It's getting harder and harder for me to get up every morning in this cold, empty bed. Just thinking that I'm going to have to go back to work and see those uneventful faces again gives me a headache. But today everything is different. I know that this day will not be like the others.

The house is silent, nothing is happening here either. No music or TV on and no smell escapes from the kitchen. Nothing is like before.

The neighborhood is deserted, as usual, no noise comes out of the neighboring houses, no children run to the park on the other side of the street laughing. Even the animals remain hidden unless they have completely deserted the city. But this time, this place did not seem scary or sad but rather warm and welcoming. I enjoyed crossing this street for the first time in a long time. Probably because I knew I wouldn't have to do it anymore.

Since you left I feel like a wandering ghost unable to find rest.

The park that I have to cross every day could seem abandoned. The store where we used to buy ice cream before going for a walk between the fountains is now only a sad wreck now.

My steps lead me to the place of our first meeting. On the way I find many memories of our life forcing me to review all those moments that I thought I had buried deep in my memory and which now seem so far away. So far that I sometimes wonder if all this ever happened or if it is only the fruit of my imagination.

My smile disappeared the day you, yourself disappeared as well as my joy of living, or maybe my desire to live quite simply. You took everything with you. And sometimes I hate you for that one simple reason.

 

You made me a being completely dependent on you and you left without even thinking about what I could become now that you had taken everything from me.

I know you didn't leave me because you wanted to, you didn't really have a choice since, as soon as you saw that car rush at that poor little boy without stopping, you throw yourself in the middle of the road without hesitation, what a magnificent proof of altruism on your part to sacrifice your life to save a child.

Up to a certain point I hated this child, it's a parent for not watching their child, but above all this bastard of a completely drunk driver who took you away from me.

You are really selfish but I love you anyway I can’t stop loving you. Despite the years my feelings for you never wavered. It saddens me a little finally, maybe Chan words are true ;  if I had managed to forget you my life would have been different. I might be in love with someone else, I might have started a family. Everything I had dreamed of doing with you thinking about it but I decided otherwise. I don't want to forget you. I don't want to be happy if it's not with you , I can’t be happy if it's not with you.

Over time the tears have stopped flowing, the fear has disappeared but the wounds will never be stitched up, the absence will never be filled.

 

Here I am, where it all began. My mind races and my heart races. I come to this bench. The one where I first found you. Surely I subconsciously hope to see you again. Lying there, eyes staring at the sky and then turning your head towards me and looking at me with that smile that never left your face to tell me that it was all a bad dream. And that you are still there.

 

But this is not true. The bench is empty. The trace of our love is engraved on this bench. These are our two names just engraved forever .

 

“Han Jisung & Lee Minho ”

Even if the void overwhelms me and the desire to see you again and there, I know that the feeling of your soft and luscious lips on mine, of your muscular arms embracing me, of your breath caressing my face is not and will remain only an inaccessible memory.

I continue my way until I arrive at the cemetery , I'm heading for your grave, before I sit down I take out the box of medicine that I brought with me I look at it before swallowing it whole.

I am no longer afraid.

My arms tense as my eyelids close. The gentle warmth of this spring day envelops my body.

For the first time in a long time I feel good.

For the first time in a long time I feel happy.

I am happy.

I come to join you .