The day of our first encounter is still fresh in my mind. I was crying on a park bench from a recent breakup, head in my hands like a shield from the outside world. You came to me, a complete stranger, yet so caring and kind. Patting my back for what seemed like ages, whispering comforting words in my ear. You made me hope again, made me think that maybe there was some light left in this bleak and dreary world. We were trapped then, trapped in our own imaginary world, and there was nobody to stop us from escaping from that fantasy world.

“Hyung, come quickly! Come on!”

“Go where? Why?”

“Hurry up! Get to the hospital, NOW!”

You coloured my life with just one flash of that bright and cheery smile of yours. You were the one, the special someone who swept into my life easily and painted my world colours besides black and white. Yellow, for the times we were so happy together. Red, for the few moments that we’d get into arguments that we’d always regret afterward. Blue, like the sky, for the sky’s endlessness seemed as endless as our love for each other at that time. Green, for your favourite colour that you always wore. My life was no longer a dreary mixture of black and white, it was now filled with colours and emotions I doubt I’ll ever feel again.

I ran, and ran. I didn’t care about the pouring rain that soaked my clothes and drenched my body; I didn’t care if a car hit me. I just wanted to run, to run towards you, to see your face one last time. To be held in your arms again. I ignored the growing waves of exhaustion that washed through my body constantly and the fact that I was probably going to get a cold from running in the rain like this. I just kept on sprinting, sprinting towards the hospital.

Damn my stupid car for being at the car workshop for maintenance.

I want to erase all the memories I have of you, yet I can’t bring myself to do it. I want to, so I can ignore the fact that my life used to be perfect, it used to be. I want to go back to the days that I didn’t even have a perfect life in the first place, so I wouldn’t know if I were missing anything. I miss you, and I’m scared to admit it. I’m frightened of being alone, of knowing someone else who might break my heart like you did, not that it was on purpose. Oh my god, I miss you so much.

“Hyung… He… Kibum didn’t make it…”

I can’t see, I just stare, without taking in anything Taemin, Minho or Jinki are saying. Chanting ‘He’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead…” over and over in my head like a mantra.  I want to feel something, any emotion at all: anger, sadness, grief. My heart should be hurting, it should be feeling something. I wait for it, but nothing comes at all. I want to feel resentment towards myself for being so goddamned emotionless throughout all this. I want to feel anger towards that heartless driver who didn’t drive properly and knocked you down. You were innocent, what had you done wrong to deserve to die?

You loved a useless pabo like me.

And yet, even though my depressing thoughts swirl constantly in an endless loop in my head, the emptiness still rings loudly in my ears. My once colourful and cheerful world full of love was shattered, just like that. It’s gone back to being dreary and depressing, shaded with tones of black and white, if there could be different types of those two colours at all. The emptiness and lack of emotion stick out like sore thumbs among my confusing pool of thoughts, and it is the last thing I think about before I feel myself falling, falling in slow-motion like in the movies. Horrified calls and exclamation echo in my ears just as I feel myself hit the oh-so-cold and hard ground. I want to call out in reply and lie that I’m okay, I’m fine, but I find that no sound comes out of my mouth and I can barely see anything anymore. All is black.

When I get on my knees and cry before the world
When I stop in my tracks inside the storm
If you alone are standing
I can suppress whatever pain and tears
(All I want is you) All I want is you
(Only one is you) Only one is you in my life