July 26th, continued

Oh well, I don't mind if you don't mind
'Cause I don't shine if you don't shine
Before you jump
Tell me what you find
Can you read my mind?
the killers - read my mind

 

She can have one moment.

Just one, Hee Do thinks. She’s already been strong - strong enough for the both of them, earlier, when Yu Rim had made her be the one to have to not to open that damn door after everything they’d been through this past year. 

She’s already secured herself at least a silver medal at the Olympic Games. 

None of that means that this is over - far from it - but surely Hee Do can have this one moment.

She stands by the benches at the sidelines and allows herself to watch her.

This feels like the last time she’ll ever get to watch Yu Rim like this, like the admirer Hee Do has always been. Yu Rim the fencer: her friend, her idol. This is the last moment Hee Do has before she makes true to her old promise and achieves her dream of well and truly becoming Go Yu Rim’s rival. 

If she lets herself forget, the colors on Yu Rim’s helmet could well be South Korea’s.

The scoreboard reminds her they’re not, though. Julia Ko from Russia is lagging behind. 

She silently wills Yu Rim to not let her down now: they’ve both paid too dearly for this just for Yu Rim to lose to Germany.

Yu Rim, of course, doesn’t let either of them down. The buzzer echoes through the venue along with Yu Rim’s hoarse scream of victory, and Hee Do can finally let out the breath she’d been holding.

Hee Do knows that her reckless, selfish moment is coming to an end. She’s already steeling herself and narrowing her focus back down to her goal, pushing her thoughts aside to ground herself back in her body.

Yu Rim’s hair is matted down with sweat and her face is awash with emotion as she salutes her opponent.

Hee Do swallows. 

One last moment, then. A burst of emotions in her chest: pride, happiness, longing, anguish. 

Hee Do turns her back to the piste and starts getting ready for the final.

&&&

The referee rules that Hee Do had been in preparation and grants Yu Rim the point, but she was attacking Yu Rim who was in preparation herself, Hee Do knew instinctly what Yu Rim was about to do and had clearly advanced while-

Stop. 

Stop, Hee Do’s own voice yells at herself in her head. 

She stops questioning the referee.

She’s hit with the memory of the last time they’d competed for a medal. Yu Rim had been the one to claim to be faster that time.

Is this what that had been like? Is this how Yu Rim had felt?

Hee Do catches her breath. It doesn’t matter. She gets back into position, grabs her helmet, and that’s when their eyes meet properly for the first time.

There’s the beginning of an emotion.

That’s as far as it gets, though. Yu Rim’s focused gaze is impassive, and so is Hee Do’s. This is here and now, and there's only what's ahead. Hee Do will just have to score an extra point. 

She does. She takes that point back and scores another one for good measure, securing the tie.

Then they both advance at the call and meet each other in the middle. 

They have to do it again.  

Then again.

Action simultane: no score for any of their advances.

It’s frustrating. It’s exhilarating. It’s enraging. There’s no use questioning it - if the referee sees simultane, then it is simultane. In order for one of them to win, they’ll simply have to do better - and Hee Do knows she can do this. 

This time Hee Do uses all of her strength, widens her step, and lunges. There’s no questioning her advance over the distance this time, and her sure strike lands hard on Yu Rim’s chest.

There’s a ringing in her ears.

It might be from the buzzer.

Hee Do feels like she’s under water. She knows, rationally, that the stadium had just exploded into cheers, even if it all sounds dull to her ears, and she knows that she has to move back. Her steps feel heavy, though. She forces her feet to move, one after the other, and staggers back through the adrenaline draining down to her toes and out of her all at once. 

She’s drenched in sweat under her equipment. She’s thankful to be able to hide under her helmet, if only for a moment. 

Just one. 

Just long enough for her tears to spill over and for her to give up on trying to keep them back.

She’d had to refuse to let Yu Rim in earlier.

She doesn’t intend on ever doing it again.

Yu Rim crashes into her open arms, and Hee Do squeezes her as tight as she can for a start.

&&&

Hee Do’s won a golden medal. Now she needs to receive it.

They are hurried through preparations for the ceremony to be held where the piste had just been. Hee Do lets go of Yu Rim for a mere second, and what feels like the entire venue swarms in between them to start setting everything up, including them.

It all feels like a complete blur. It might be because of all the tears in Hee Do’s eyes.

She gets put back into her Korean ceremonies uniform and finds herself stood on a podium shortly after. Not just a podium – the podium. 

She’s stood higher than everyone else now, and her head spins from all the noise around her. Yu Rim stands to her right, and Hee Do reaches down for her hand, clutching it tightly as soon as she finds it.

She doesn’t care that her hand is clammy and their grip has gotten sweaty by now, and she doesn’t care that all cameras are on them. She needs this. She thinks Yu Rim knows, because she lets her have it.

Hee Do really wishes her dad was here to see this.

She hopes at least her mother is watching back home, then wonders if she’s finally proud of Hee Do.

Yu Rim looks better than Hee Do could ever hope to as the ceremony proceeds: she’s put together and serene, the perfect image of an Olympian athlete. She hasn’t cried at all, unlike Hee Do, and her smile belongs in magazines. When she looks up at Hee Do and her eyes curve from how much her smile grows, Hee Do feels on top of the world.

The three medalists get handed some flowers, and Hee Do just nervously follows whatever Yu Rim does. They have to shake some more hands, bow once or twice, say some overwhelmed thanks to people Hee Do knows are very important, and then an Olympic gold medal is being placed around Hee Do’s neck. 

Hee Do should probably try not to break Yu Rim’s fingers with her death grip, what with being a gold medalist now and all.

She forces herself to relax her clutch on Yu Rim’s hand to avoid a global diplomatic disaster in front of the sea of camera flashes going off at them, but she really, really doesn’t want to let go. Yu Rim indulges her for as long as possible, but does eventually force her hand loose from Hee Do’s so that they can all listen to Korea’s national anthem respectfully.

Hee Do’s tears spill over again as she mouths the words to her anthem, the familiar swell of the violins following the swell of emotions in her chest. She never thought she’d get emotional at this of all things, and she’s glad when it ends.

As soon as it does, the entire venue seems to hurry to wrap things up and leave. She guesses she’s not the only exhausted one around.

Hee Do can see the assistant Korean coach heading her way just as a photographer with a huge camera and an even bigger Olympic Games badge steps up to the podium for some last pictures. She grabs Yu Rim’s arm and tugs her onto the first-place podium with her, pressing tightly to her side as they bring up their medals for a picture.

She must look ridiculous right now, what with how hard she’s grinning while the tears keep on coming, but whatever. She gestures over the bronze medalist from Hungary onto the podium with them for a picture with the three of them, and then the assistant coach reaches her. 

It’s bizarre to see his face split into an uncharacteristic grin - she doesn’t think he’s ever smiled at her until now - and he’s clearly eager to take her away for something. She tightens her grip on Yu Rim’s arm instinctively.

“It’s okay,” Yu Rim tells her, apparently noticing him too as she pries Hee Do’s hand from her arm as gently as she can manage. “Later.” Hee Do can see people from the Russian delegation hurrying over too, and she knows she can’t ask Yu Rim not to go. “You’re staying at the Village?” 

Huh? “Are you not?” Hee Do asks in confusion, holding onto Yu Rim’s fingers stubbornly even as Yu Rim looks back towards the Russian crew.

“Meet me at the Arches in the morning,” Yu Rim tells her simply, and then they get pulled apart and away from each other again.

It’s fine. It is, right? Tomorrow morning is almost here, and what is a night compared to the last year?

The Korean fencing crew swarms her all at once, hugging and high fiving her and chanting all the way back to their building at the Village, where she’s promptly informed they’re not letting her go before they celebrate properly.

What celebrating properly means turns out to be what they expressly can’t call a party at one of the basketball teams’ apartments. There’s no partying allowed at the Village, technically, but they have a gold medal, a bunch of excited athletes, and plenty of alcohol, which works just as well.

Hee Do doesn’t need to drink a single sip to feel buzzed that night, so she doesn’t. The not-party might well have been for her, technically, but it’s really more for Korea, so she doesn’t feel that bad about skipping out on it as soon as she can manage. 

There’s something way more important for her to get to next morning.

 

July 27th

Et toi non plus tu n'as pas change
toujours le même parfum léger
toujours le même petit sourire
qui en dit long sans vraiment le dire.
julio iglesias - je n'ai pas change
And you haven't changed either
still the same light perfume
still the same little smile
that says so much without really saying anything

 

It’s a beautiful day, and Hee Do skips out of the dormitories with a pep in her step so she can get to the Olympic Arches at the plaza in the center of the Village.

Hee Do sees her first. Yu Rim is standing there under the sun, loose hair swaying in the breeze as she rocks on her heels, and Hee Do is already running towards her before her shout can tumble out of :

“Go Yu Rim!”

It’s a beautiful day, and Hee Do skips out of the dormitories with a pep in her step so she can get to the Olympic Arches at the plaza in the center of the Village.

Hee Do sees her first. Yu Rim is standing there under the sun, loose hair swaying in the breeze as she rocks on her heels, and Hee Do is already running towards her before her shout can tumble out of :

“Go Yu Rim!”

Yu Rim barely has the time to turn her way before Hee Do is barreling straight into her and tackling her into a hug.

“Hee Do-yah,” Yu Rim laughs, right by her ear, letting Hee Do keep her from falling over with her grip before she returns the hug. “I’m-”

“Don’t you dare apologize again,” Hee Do says sternly, squeezing her tighter still and relishing on how good it feels to have her right there.

It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters now that they’re here. Hee Do knows everything there is to know about what they went through, as does Yu Rim, so there is no need for explanations or apologies. Hee Do won’t apologize for winning the gold, and Yu Rim shouldn’t apologize for ensuring that they could both fight for it.

“Okay,” Yu Rim says into her shoulder. Her breath tickles Hee Do’s ear. “Okay.”

When they pull back, Hee Do holds her by the shoulders and looks her over closely, searching for anything she might have missed since the last time she’d gotten to look at her like this. Yu Rim stands there with a small smile on her lips, letting Hee Do move her here and there as she inspects her.

Yu Rim looks good. Her face looks both exactly the same and slightly more mature - more adult, somehow, even though only a year had passed. Hee Do can tell she’s been eating well for sure, and her eyes are clear as always. She feels strong and solid under Hee Do’s grip when she squeezes her arms, and her smile still shows the same hint of the grin she’s always gotten whenever she’s indulging Hee Do.

Yu Rim tugs at the tips of Hee Do’s bangs lightly just as Hee Do decides that Yu Rim’s hair was indeed longer than it used to be. “I like this,” Yu Rim tells her, twirling the strands for a second.

Hee Do grins, ego appropriately at her slight change in style. It wasn’t much, but Hee Do had grown out of her bangs by now. Of course Yu Rim had noticed.

“You’re staying, right?” Hee Do asks. Surely they weren’t taking Yu Rim back so soon.

Yu Rim nods. “Until the end of the Games.”

“No training too?” Hee Do is hopeful. If even Coach Yang had given her time off training until the end of the Games…

Yu Rim nods again, clearly relieved, and Hee Do squeals. There was still a week to go before the Games end. A whole week. Her mind goes into overdrive wondering everything they could do in that time.

One thing is sure: she doesn’t feel like sharing Yu Rim. Most if not all of the athletes in Korea's block at the Olympic Village would recognize her, for better or worse, and Hee Do still has a roommate, so there was no way for them to be alone even if they were to stay inside her room.

Yu Rim, however, has a hotel room to herself.

“Woah,” Hee Do breathes out, falling back onto the ridiculously fluffy bed once she’s done curiously poking around the amenities. “This is top tier.” The bed must be king sized, and the bathroom is huge. There were two sinks, a bathtub so full of knobs and faucets that Hee Do had to convince Yu Rim to let her try out at least once, and another entirely separate shower.

“Yeah, well.” Yu Rim shrugs, hanging her Russian uniform jacket in the spacious closet by the door. “Coach didn’t want me to have distractions at the Village.”

Hee Do rolls over in the bed and looks over at the floor-to-ceiling glass door leading to a small balcony that looks over the city view. “I’ll bet,” she says, whistling.

“It’s sponsored,” Yu Rim says, stepping over to sit on the bed with her. “They’re going to have a news spread showing where the medalists stayed, so I don’t think any of this cost as much as it’s supposed to.” She lets Hee Do tug her closer until she’s sat cross legged next to where Hee Do is still lying down. “Actually, I heard that their contract-”

“Yu Rim-ah,” Hee Do interrupts, resting a hand on her knee and looking up at her seriously. “I really don’t care.”

Yu Rim blinks at her in shock for a second before she snorts out a laugh. Hee Do laughs at the ungraceful sound, shaking her head. She’s serious though: there is nothing she wants to hear less about right now than boring contractual matters that neither of them can affect. She’d rather they enjoy whatever they can get right now.

She reaches up to take the badge Yu Rim had forgotten to take off from around her neck.

"Julia Ko," Hee Do reads pensively as she looks it over. 

Yu Rim smiles down at her wryly. "I've kind of gotten used to it."

"Hmm," Hee Do agrees noncommittally. "I wonder what my name would be." She lets Yu Rim's badge falls back against her stomach and looks back up at her. "It's kind of cool. It'd be kind of like having a secret identity." She brings a hand up to and talks through a hiss in a poor imitation of a walkie talkie. "Agent Julia, move in for the kill. Bzzt. Over.”

Yu Rim’s eyes crinkle like they always have from her bunny-like grin. “What’s the target, Agent Na?” she asks, amused.

Hee Do mulls it over for a second. “Hmm.” Before Yu Rim can get the chance to react, Hee Do reaches around her waist and tackles her back onto the mattress. “Surprise, I’m a double agent! You could never have seen it coming!” Then: “Oof!”

Okay, Yu Rim can still knock the wind out of her with a well-placed jab, just like always.

“Jesus, woman!” Hee Do groans exaggeratedly, rolling back onto the bed next to Yu Rim, hands clutching her stomach. 

“Oh, please,” Yu Rim laughs. “You’re not the one with a bruise on your chest from yesterday.”

Right. She’d hit Yu Rim right on the s in that last strike. “Okay, okay, we’re even now. Sheesh!”

They lie there next to each other, looking up at the ceiling in companionable silence. After a beat, Yu Rim reaches out and takes her hand and intertwines their fingers. Hee Do squirms her feet happily. 

“Tell me something,” Yu Rim says, still staring up at the ceiling. “Anything.”

Hee Do thinks for a second. “I broke up with Yi Jin.”

“Oh.” Yu Rim’s voice is small when she admits: “I know.”

Oh.

Hee Do closes her eyes for a moment. That means Yu Rim had talked to him while she had needed to stay away from Hee Do. 

He never told her.

“Are you okay?” Yu Rim asks tentatively, still quiet. 

She is. Hee Do can’t resent Yu Rim any bonds she could maintain while she was a world away, and she won’t. She’d told Yu Rim that she didn’t need to apologize for doing what she needed to do do and that Hee Do understood - which she did. She does.

But he never told her. While she missed Yu Rim every day, Yi Jin never told he that he still spoke to her. 

“Mm,” Hee Do lets out at last with a nod. She can feel Yu Rim’s eyes on her, so she shrugs. “It didn’t feel right.”

When Yu Rim turns over to lie on her side and look straight at her, their hands still intertwined, Hee Do doesn’t need prompting to keep going. 

“I thought that that’s what we were supposed to be, you know?” She says. “Yi Jin and I. It made sense, everyone thought so too.” She glances over at Yu Rim. “Didn’t you?”

Yu Rim has a small frown as she looks over Hee Do’s face like she’s trying to figure out what exactly Hee Do is feeling. She doesn’t answer Hee Do’s question, but Hee Do keeps going anyway.

“I guess it stopped making sense.” Hee Do wonders how much she could even say. She hadn’t really stopped to think about it after they’d broken up. “We were boyfriend and girlfriend, and I guess it was nice. You know, doing couple stuff. But…” She mulls it over. “It changed everything else.”

“In a bad way?” Yu Rim asks.

“Mm.” Hee Do plays with Yu Rim’s fingers mindlessly. “I guess not bad, bad. But not better.”

“You deserve to have better,” Yu Rim says resolutely, and Hee Do smiles over at her in thanks.

“Do you ever think we’ve just read too many romance comic books?” Hee Do asks then.

Yu Rim takes a moment to prop her head up with an elbow and look down at her. “What do you mean?” she asks.

“You know,” Hee Do says, scooching closer to her on the bed and bringing their joined hands to rest on her own stomach. “Did it raise our expectations too much?” She sighs and waves vaguely with her free hand. “Maybe I want some grand thing that doesn’t even exist. I want to feel the way they always make it seem like. Like… when you’re with someone, and it takes your breath away, and you can’t wait to be together, you know? And like you can’t get enough of touching them, and-” She stammers, realizing how foolish she must sound. “And kiss them and- stuff.”

God, this is embarrassing.

“Agh,” Hee Do groans, throwing her wrist over her eyes to hide behind. “It’s dumb.”

There’s a beat of silence, but thankfully Yu Rim saves her from her own embarrassment by breaking it.

“It’s not.” Yu Rim takes her wrist and forces her to lower it from her eyes. “Hee Do-yah, it’s not dumb to want that.”

“If you say so,” Hee Do allows.

“I know so,” Yu Rim stresses. She looks down at where she’s still holding Hee Do’s wrist, and seems startled for a second. Hee Do looks down too and watches as Yu Rim runs her fingers over the old scar. “It hasn’t faded.”

“Ah.” Hee Do lifts Yu Rim’s other hand and brings their wrists together, scar to scar. “Of course it hasn’t.”

Yu Rim’s small smile is so precious to Hee Do right then. She doesn’t need to hear Yu Rim tell her she missed her, or that she’s glad she’s there, or anything else: that smile says it all, as do her eyes when she brings them back up to meet hers.

Hee Do yawns, and Yu Rim breaks their grip so she can push Hee Do’s face away when she doesn’t bother trying to cover .

“Sorry,” Hee Do mumbles through another jaw-breaking yawn, not sorry at all.

“Were you up all night celebrating?” Yu Rim asks, taking off her badge at last and throwing it aside.

Hee Do rubs her fist over her eyes as she shakes her head. “No, just couldn’t sleep. I guess ‘cuz of too much excitement, my head just wouldn’t shut off.”

And it’s true - despite all the exhaustion, she’d stared up at the ceiling for what had felt like all night. She’d spent a long time writing in her diary to try and make sense of her feelings, plus going over yesterday’s matches, then by the time she was done there were still hours to go ‘til dawn and no sleep in sight.

Now that she’s here, though, all the tension she didn’t know she was still holding has been melting off her body and leaving her bleary eyed with sleepiness. 

“I get like that after winning a hard medal too,” Yu Rim says, fluffing up a pillow and tugging Hee Do upwards on the bed so she can rest her head on it. “Sleep for a bit.” Before Hee Do even opens , she continues: “Yes, I’ll wake you up for lunch.”

Hee Do grins and reaches out to squeeze Yu Rim around her waist. “Don’t you go anywhere, Go Yu Rim. You hear me?”

Yu Rim pats her hair. “I wouldn’t dream of it. Who do you think is paying for lunc