KBS Station,

January 2013

“Right now, I am lonely like crazy.” Yoo Hui Yeol was starting to ask during the talk on his show, Sketchbook. “You have to pay attention to how it’s not just ‘lonely’ but ‘lonely like crazy.”

The girls were laughing at the question. The eight girls. Except one. The leader. She looked so unsure. She bit her lips, calculating, as she always did, whether to answer or not.

“One.. Two… Three” YHY was counting, asking to whoever felt that way to stand up.

She was still calculating in the head. While other members were making fun at such question. Lonely? Girls Generation, who was at the peak of their career, felt lonely? What a question, maybe the other eight members were thinking that way. Their dorm never once quiet down. Their chat room? Non-stop beeping. Their waiting room? Imagine, nine members, with stylists, hair-stylists, make up artists, managers, staffs.

How could YHY was asking such question? They thought. The eight members thought.

Because there was one member, who calculating in her head, whether to be honest or not.

Taeyeon was calculating in her head. Like she always.

At the end, she stood up.

While biting her tongue, to hold the feeling, whatever feeling she was having.

There was laughter in the studio. People were laughing.

Even the members laughed.

She tried to follow laughing too, while answer, “it’s just after the schedule are over, and I come home, I feel really empty. I tried to eat, I wonder if it’s because I’m hungry… But even if I eat a lot, it doesn’t get filled..” she continued.

The audiences were still laughing.

So Taeyeon had no choice but to laugh.

Backstage

Tiffany was holding her hand. Their fingers intertwined together. Taeyeon just looked at her, smiling, faintly.

“I am fine, Ti,” she said, tried to die down her bestfriend’s worries.

She looked so concerned. Taeyeon always the type who stays quiet. She always got herself busy. She learned painting, nail painting, she did colouring, she always busy at dorm. So, Tiffany always thought, she was fine.

Also lately, she was so often seen going out and hanging out, with a friend, she said.

Tiffany knew who. Taeyeon cannot lie to her.

But other members did not know.

So, Tiffany thought, maybe after she’s befriended with someone who, everyone can see, how this particular someone, can synchronize to her so much, it would help her to get out from her loneliness.

They walked back to the waiting room, but Tiffany had so many questions in head.

“Can we go out after this?” she asked the manager. “Me and Taeyeon?” she added.

The manager was in a questioning look. But he saw the interview. He knew and understood the concern Tiffany had. “Please use the driver,” he said which Tiffany responded with a nod.

“Let’s go out. Me and you,” she told Taeyeon.

Taeyeon was about to decline with ‘I am fine, Tiff,’ when Tiffany continued. “Let’s talk, Taeng. We need to talk.”

At the end, no one can say no to Tiffany Hwang.

We were sitting side by side, inside one of convenience store nearby our dorm.

Our old dorm when we were still in training days.

Me and Tiffany loved to go here, had ramen cup noodles (yes, plural), with beer. It reminded us the old times, when our dreams and passions were still on fire.

To get reminded the reason why we were here. The reason why we were doing what we were doing now.

Me and her were wearing the oversized hoodie. Tiffany was insisting me to wear glasses, which I said no. It would make us more suspicious. Who wore sunglasses at eleven PM inside GS25?

Tiffany came with two cup noodles in hands. We got busy afterwards. With our food.

My mind was flying here and there. Trying to compose what words to say to Tiffany. Because, it would be impossible for her to let it slide. Maybe it was indeed the right time to tell her.

As soon as we finished the noodle, we put aside th