les étoiles rigolent

Rooting through the memory boxes brought back a flood of memories, it had been a while since I truly dove back into the past – to look at the person I once was. It was a lonely past, however, I was always smiling when I was next to Jonghyun. My younger self would’ve burned these photos up, my pain was real but misdirected. I hated him when he left, I felt abandoned…I lost the only person who truly understood me or so I thought. My own actions and strong emotions made the distance between each other grow and grow until we kept passing each other with ease. I was happy that I had kept these photos and found joy out of them now, they made my heart swell. I uncovered an old journal of mine and flipped through the pages:

Today is a depressing day – school is about to end for the summer and I still have not managed to find any friends…another school term wasted. I am depressed, I am lonely and I will miss school since I will be stuck inside this house…my family despises my lack of social skills and wishes I was someone else. I guess we share that in common, I wish with all of my heart that I was another person – let me out. 

This entry sent shivers up my spine, was I that different from then? I had a small friend group in the city but I still struggled to make new friends…I guess some habits never leave; I continued to read through the journal. 

The strangest thing happened today, a boy came up to me with shining brown eyes and a bass strapped to his back…I had seen him around a few times but he was like me, he kept to himself so I figured he wouldn’t want my company. The summer’s sun shone brightly in my eyes but for him…it created a halo behind his head, and gosh did his beauty ever so shine in that moment. I pondered why he was here, why he was standing in front of me and he just kept on smiling. He was speaking to me but I hardly paid attention, it was hard too with these strange feelings brewing inside of me. I do remember one thing — his name is Jonghyun…

The vibration of my phone tore me away from my scribbled words, I closed the journal and placed it back into my memory box. The vibration was a message from Jonghyun, it felt like he knew exactly the moments when I was thinking about him. Perhaps I did want to become closer to him, heal that connection we once had. 

JONGHYUN: This weekend…thank you! Many memories are resurfacing and I can’t stop myself from smiling. :) 

I hurried a message back, feeling like that foolish teen once again.

‘Did you arrive back in the city yet? I hope the drive was okay, the train ride was peaceful. I have been revisiting the past myself…thank you for making my childhood smile. We were so cute!’ 

I attached a photo of a polaroid of the two of us with beaming smiles. While I was nervous about opening up my heart again, I felt good about allowing this connection back into my life. I could forgive him for his past actions at the radio station, it was childish and he admitted to that but I wasn’t going to hold that against him – we all make childish mistakes even as adults, sometimes we are still that tiny child inside…wanting love, wanting affection and wanting to be seen. The adult world was rough and sometimes didn’t allow for the heart to be vulnerable like it was as a child. I had always wanted an answer as to why he acted that way towards me and now I had it…I would give him the chance to show me that he was sorry. He was jaded, he wanted to find me and I understood that feeling, the feeling of getting your hopes up too many times to have your heart broken so many times. It was not long until I heard my phone ring, naturally it was Jonghyun. 

“Hello stranger,” I playfully answered. 

“Hello my dear friend,” he chuckled.

“Did you enjoy that photo? We were so young!”

“Of course I did, I can’t believe we have not taken a photo since…you have not changed at all though,” he laughed once again, “ah yes – I am back in the city thank you for asking in your message, I have missed your thoughtfulness.” 

“Oh…it’s no worry at all.”

“I’ll be busy the next couple of days but can we meet — let’s say Thursday – does that work?”

“Thursday it is.” 

“I’ll be looking forward to it.”

I hung up and smiled to myself, for some reason I felt a little less lost that day.

–

Thursday evening finally rolled around and I was excited to meet with Jonghyun. We were to meet at a local and intimate jazz and blue’s bar – this was definitely a place that I would have never thought to have stepped into…but I was excited to experience something new. I stepped outside and the weather was in a gloomy state but that made me more excited for my time with Jonghyun, gloomy weather and jazz music? They were a perfect fit for each other. The walk was short and I arrived at the jazz bar earlier than expected, I shrugged and hoped Jonghyun was also early. I noticed that the ceilings were laced with an elegant pattern, swirling and twirling like stars in a night sky – the establishment was clearly very high end, I felt out of my element. I walked through my nervousness, these places reminded me that at the heart I was from a small town and the city was often over the top – I swallowed the nervousness and reminded myself how far I had come. The jazz music began to wrap around me and my shoulders suddenly felt so much lighter, this was a place to be mellow and I could feel the mellowness in my bones. I smiled to myself, I like this place. I spotted Jonghyun across the room and waved at him as I walked towards him, he was flirting with the staff and a pang of jealousy struck me. I tried to push away that feeling, why would I even feel jealous? I sat down opposite to him and forgot the jealous moment, all his attention was suddenly directed to me – I was happy to see him. 

“I am so happy to see you,” he said. 

“Me too and this place…the atmosphere, it’s so relaxing!” 

“I’m so glad, I was hoping you would like this place…I always find such comfort here and I am happy to share this place with someone.”

Our conversation was light and airy, it felt like the natural connection from our childhood had resurfaced. I finally could see my childhood friend in front of me. The gloomy day that was waiting for me outside felt non-existent at this point. 

“So I wanted to talk to you about something—” Jonghyun said, he seemed nervous and this piqued my curiosity…my heart began to race.

“What is it?” I leaned in closer. 

“I wanted to — well I wanted to offer you a job per say.”

“What do you mean by offering me a job?”

“Back at the radio station, I have a new department opening up and—”

“How can I come back? I was fired for being unprofessional?”

“I know…I know and I am making ana exception for you but–”

“It wouldn’t be fair, people would gossip…they would think–”

“Let them gossip! Let them think ridiculous things!”

“Why are you offering this to me, Jonghyun?”

“To help you! Do you really want to move back to that town? To be under your parents' thumb?”

“No…no I don’t want any of that but—”

“Just think about it, please? I want to help you out, I want to be there for you.”

He slid some papers across the table, the paper was detailing the job and salary. I stared at the papers and my mind was racing…what is happening right now? I expressed that I would look through this more closely and that I had to leave. He seemed a little distressed himself but nodded and offered to walk me home but I insisted that he should stay and relax but the truth was that I needed to breathe, this was a lot. I was prepared to talk more about us, our memories – the past we shared but I was blindsided by the job offer.

Once I arrived home I dumped the papers on the coffee table and slumped into the sofa – I wanted it to swallow me up. Was I that naive that I thought there was a spark between us? As I stared at the papers I pondered what Jonghyun’s true motive was – was he just helping me or was there a deeper meaning? More so…the real question was why did I want there to be a deeper meaning? I kept researching if companies could allow for an employee to return after being fired which did not help out at all since the conclusion was…it depended on the company itself. Did he offer this because we were once friends? Would I be ready for the gossip to erupt? That people would question our relationship but was there any other choice? The echoes of my hometown were growing louder and louder, I can’t go back to that place.

The evening dragged by and my mind was weighed down by choices so I decided to take a stroll…to clear my mind. The twinkling stars eased the headache that was settling in my mind – the air was fresh and the streets were empty. It was just me. My troubles seemed small and I shook my head and laughed to myself, why was I acting like this choice was a burden? I am prone to foolish moments…”I hope he was not offended by my lack of enthusiasm” I said to myself out loud.

“I would never be disappointed in you.” a voice behind me said.

I spun around and there was Jonghyun – grinning at me.

“Who said I was talking about you?” I gave him an innocent smile, “and are you tailing me?”

“I guess I am hoping you were…and is that what you wish for my dear?” he hummed at me while walking closer, “I am messing with you, I am just on my way home…we live near each other. You weren’t aware?”

“Is this why you were at the bar that night…?” We linked arms and began to walk, a habit from our childhood. 

“Perhaps.”

We both giggled. 

“I am sorry if you felt pressure from me to accept the job offer, I know I just dumped it on you…I guess I was just excited.”

“It’s okay Jonghyun, I was blindsided by your offer. I will admit that and perhaps I like to fix my own problems…so accepting someone’s help can be hard sometimes.”

“So you haven’t changed at all? Determined – that is how I always described and saw you.”

“You haven’t changed much either.”

“I got more handsome though, no?”

I slapped his arm gently. The stars giggled alongside us. Maybe just maybe I would allow myself to let go of my fears and begin to accept help from others – to open my heart once again. 

“I will do it…I will accept your job offer.” I said sternly. 

“You will?” He beamed. 

“Yes, I will be your faithful employee once again!” I laughed.

“Ah…I guess then–” he faced me and tucked my hair behind my ear, “I should do something before you are my employee then…” 

“Kiss me?”

“You always spoil surprises…” 

He gently kissed my lips and held me, I never wanted the moment to end. Could I do this? Could I just be an employee to Jonghyun?