Ailee unnie was throwing a debut anniversary party.

It was supposed to be on the down low - as she was told - but when Wheein got there the spacious apartment was b with people who seemed to know each other. A lot of company people. It was not noisy, unnie’s new tracks playing almost softly in the background. It was nice. She found unnie in the kitchen with an apron on, chatting with her stylist and manager. She beamed at Wheein when she saw her.

“Oh you make it!” Unnie rushed forward to hug her. Wheein returned the hug. She smelled like apple and vanilla and something else. Wheein handed the older woman the champagne she bought before coming here.

Ailee unnie hummed appreciatively when she saw the label. “Let’s uncorked this in a bit. Go mingle! I’ll find you later. I think Ravi’s in the balcony.” She gestured to the general area where the balcony was supposed to be. Wheein could sense that the staffs were eavesdropping even though they tried to be discreet about it. Wheein was aware that there was a rumor. There were always rumors. 

Wheein had long learnt the best way to face any rumors was to be indifferent.

It a bit because she actually liked Ravi oppa. His advices were constructive and he did not patronize her. He also let her did whatever she wanted with excellent management. This was different from RBW which gave her the same freedom - just without the interest that should follow. Wheein wished Hyejin would leave the company next year. Hyejin would soar under better management. 

True to her words, Ailee unnie came to find her with a long glass of champagne. Ravi oppa held one too. “Good taste, Jung Wheein.” he said, lifting up his flute slightly. Ailee unnie offered Sunghoon oppa - the dancer Wheein was talking to - a glass as well. They clinked glasses and sipped on the bubbles. It tasted rich on her tongue. It was a good choice. It was the same brand Hyejin bought for her when Redd was released. She never got around to open it. 

As the hours got later, the crowd got more intimate. Ailee unnie started singing - an old track that Wheein remembered by melody. She had started a half beat too late but somehow it fit. Wheein wondered if the song was supposed to be heard this way. It sounded sad and Wheein was not even a tipsy. Beside her, Ravi oppa was twirling his pinky ring, lost in his own thought. She wondered if he had his own Ahn Hyejin. 

“I think I’m heading home.” Ravi oppa said once Ailee unnie began asking people to sing with her. “Do you need a ride home?”

Wheein looked around. All that left was the staffs, those who definitely were staying to help cleaning up. She grabbed her things and they left once they bid Ailee unnie goodbye. Wheein congratulated her again. Ailee unnie kissed her cheek as a thank you. 

“I’m starving.” Ravi oppa declared when they were already cruising down the highway. “Do you mind if we make a quick burger stop?” After a pause, he said, “Do you want one? I only see you drinking.”

It was way past the recommended eating time, and Wheein had maxed out on her calories intake but what the hell right? There’s a special place in hell for people who say no for junk food after alcohol. So she had fish burger and cola. Ravi oppa found a parking spot a few blocks away for them to eat. 

“I see that Hwasa is in Paris.” Ravi oppa began as he unwrapped his Big Mac. Wheein could smell the beef patty right away. She took a sip of her cola. “Is she attending a show?”

Wheein only knew that Hyejin was not in Korea this morning. Through the many comments left in her recent post. A lot of accounts had tagged her in Hyejin’s sighting. During lunchtime, it was Byulie unnie who mentioned Hyejin in their group chat with a ‘Ahn Hyejin, I want a new perfume.’.  

It had sparked a brief discussion on Hyejin’s impromptu visit to Paris. Without security. Just with Bona unnie. She had no idea how she could be ambushed in the airport. Byulie unnie had sent a voice note of her laugh. Nobody mentioned any show though so Wheein wasn’t sure what Ravi oppa was asking about.

“I’m not so sure. Hyejin doesn’t say anything about shows,” she replied truthfully.

“I check the news just now, they are all predicting which shows she will attend. The fashion press is having a field day.”

Wheein connected two and two together. She just hummed. Hyejin was a muse for a lot of brands so she regularly got invites. Maybe Louis Vuitton. She had been posting a lot for them lately. Or Prada. Knowing Hyejin though, she would decide by whim.  

“Well it seems like you know more about it than me,” she replied. She didn’t mean for it to come out so bitterly, but it did. Wheein ignored Ravi oppa’s surprise glance and took a bite of her burger. It tasted like ash. 

Ravi oppa cleared his throat uncomfortably. He took a couple of big bites, obviously feeling as uncomfortable as her. Wheein apologized, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. I’m well - I’m a bit sensitive when it comes to Hyejin.” 

Ravi oppa cleared his burger in record time. He washed it down with a few gulps of his green tea. “Got it.”

“It’s not Hyejin - it’s well, complicated. But it’s definitely not Hyejin.” she continued despite Ravi oppa’s offer of easy way out, she couldn’t bear the thought of Ravi oppa speculating anything bad about Hyejin.

“Alright, Jung.” Ravi oppa said lightly, “No need to say further.” Silence fell over them like a thick blanket.  

Wheein chewed her lip. She wanted to say further. “Hyejin makes me happy, oppa.” There was a telling drop of silence, carrying the weight that meant Ravi oppa knew what she was talking about. “I used to make her happy too, I think. But I screwed up. I wore Hyejin’s happiness like a 5-year-old kid playing dress up, clueless and reckless and stupid - taking it for granted - and so when I eventually lost it I lost myself too.” 

Wheein focused her eyes on the dashboard, where Ravi oppa decorated with little Lego stars. He changed it often, the last time Wheein in the car it was a Yoda miniature. 

Ravi oppa didn’t say anything until they were back on the road. The radio was playing closing song, a new bob from Kim Taeyeon that Byulie unnie could not shut up about. The volume was kept on the low. 

“I don’t want to say wrong thing so I won’t say anything.” Ravi oppa said in his low voice. The car pulled into a stop at red lights. He turned to look at her and smiled softly, “I appreciate you telling me. And, well, I hope you find yourself back.”

Wheein held back a sob.

Later, she stood in her balcony when she dialed Hyejin’s phone. It was noon Parisian time, Wheein had checked, and Hyejin must be up and about. She breathed a sigh of relief when Hyejin eventually picked up. 

“ - Hello?” Hyejin was breathless. She sounded far away. Wheein pressed her phone to her ear in a desperate attempt to be closer to Hyejin.

“Hi,” she breathed out. Wheein slid down to the floor, needing physical support. Wheein was nervous. If somebody told her last year that she would develop anxiety whenever she talked to Hyejin, she would have laughed at their face.   

There was a pause before Hyejin said, “Is something wrong?”

“No. I just want to hear your voice. I miss you.” Wheein's voice disappeared at the end so she cleared lightly - not wanting to disrupt in case Hyejin wanted to speak. She balled her fingers into a fist to calm her nerves. 

“Wheein.” Hyejin just said in a sigh. “Are you drunk?”

Wheein did not get drunk anymore. She just pretended to be so she had excuses to brood publicly. Her friends had started catching on that. “No. I just miss you. I’m sorry. I - well, I hope you are having fun with Bona unnie.”

Wheein was fishing and Hyejin knew that. She got a curt reply of, “Yes. We are. Listen - I’m in a middle of something. Can we do this another time?”

She closed her eyes and pretended the dismissive tone didn't hurt. “Don’t you miss me?” she asked quietly when she meant why don’t you miss me. Hyejin should hear it all the same. Hyejin would because Hyejin knew Wheein better than Wheein knew herself. 

Hyejin’s sigh was quiet. There was a brief static that caught Wheein in a panic. She didn’t want to lose Hyejin because of her stupid signal. When Hyejin's voice returned, her anxiety was gone like it was never there. Hyejin said, “I don’t know why you are doing this now. Must this be over the phone? While I’m here?” She didn’t sound angry. Just exhausted. 

It was cold outside, but Wheein didn’t feel it at all. “I just want to know if you miss me,” she replied honestly “because I do. I miss you so much it ing hurts.” Wheein clutched her chest, heaving. “Even when you’re everywhere, Hyejin - when I blink, when it’s quiet - when you’re not even here with me but still I miss you.” There was no reply from the end of the line. Wheein cried, “Why don’t you miss me?”

“You’re my best friend,” Hyejin said earnestly. “You’re a part of me Wheein, whether I want it or not. You’re an idiot for thinking otherwise.” 

The night was cold. Wheein felt warm. But not enough. She could never get enough of Ahn Hyejin, whether she wanted it or not. Wheein was not even sure whether she would choose to not if she had to. She breathed in the cold air, “Why can’t you love me again, Hyejin?” 

Hyejin ignored her question. “Wheein, where are you? Please pass your phone to someone. Do I need to call someone?”

“I’m home,” she replied, “I’m home and I feel like I’m going crazy. I think I am. I must be, right, to finally be with the love of my life and squandered it because I was dumb.”

Hyejin must have heard her desperation through the phone, hundred thousand miles away, because her voice was firm when she said, “Go to sleep, Jung Wheein. I’m hanging up.” There was five seconds of dead air - Wheein counted - which she hoped was because Hyejin was hesitating. Then she ended the call. 

Wheein picked herself up from the floor and walked straight to her toilet to throw up the bile that had been stuck in . She resisted the urge to slump down the toilet seat, cleaned herself, then slipped into her bed. She couldn’t feel her limbs and everything hurt. She picked up her phone and texted Hyejin an apology message. She owed her that. 

Hyejin never replied.