It was confusing.

While my footsteps made their own way through the sidewalk at the river’s edge, my mind was in a frenzy. It was confusing how my life could be such a mess even though I was privileged to have enough money to do what most people dream of doing, to have a cosy house with a comfortable bed, a loving family and the best friends someone could ask for. But maybe, it wasn't my life that was a mess, no, maybe it was something else, something deeper, something only I could see, better yet, feel. My insides were a mess. The world that keeps rotating inside my mind was a mess. And all that because, although I had a privileged life, I didn't have the freedom I wished to have. Because, although I had a privileged life, I couldn't allow myself to be me most of the time. Being someone that had people's attention almost all the time, I couldn't relax and be myself, at least not outside my cosy house.

Being a celebrity may be the dream of many people, and it really brought me several moments of happiness and gratitude for being recognized and loved by so many people, but all that comes with a price, the price of letting go of who you really are inside and of keeping your own thoughts and desires to yourself. Sometimes I ask myself if it's worth it. I definitely work with something I love. I love singing, dancing, and sometimes acting, more than anything. I love to be an artist. And who am I kidding? I also love the attention. However, when the concerts, the lives, the reality shows and the movies end and reality strikes me, what remains? Who's the person that keeps going without lyrics to sing, choreographies to do and scripts to follow?

A sigh escaped through my lips while I sat on the grass under a tree, abandoning the hard concrete sidewalk that started to hurt my feet due to the long walk. My head leaned on the trunk while my eyes ran through the infinite dark sky clouded but the city lights, and a soft breeze made the skin of my neck claim its freedom from the thick black hair that was covering it.

It's not that I didn't know who I am. I did. I really did. But how can I assume my personality once I am off the stage? How can that singer, dancer, actress, who also has the privilege to have a beautiful face and be loved by many people, assume her own personality if by doing that she’s going to be the target of a lot of criticism at the first sign of any flaw? How can I be myself if it goes against what people expect from me? If it goes against what the society I live in thinks it's right? If the career I built and fought for for more than 10 years may be ruined just because of people's expectations about me?

That's confusing. And more than confusing, conflicting. Maybe not only my insides, or my mind, are a mess, maybe my life is too. Maybe everything about me is a mess, just because I can't be true to myself. At least not all the time, only when I'm inside four walls. 

As if the universe is wanting to rub this conflict in my face, I noticed a couple sitting on a bench not far enough from me so I can't distinguish their traits. A man and a woman. Of course. Why would it be any different, right? That's what is natural, isn't it? That's what people are used to seeing, isn't it? But why does that frustrate me so much? Yeah, right, because that couple, lost in their own world and their deep mouths and cosy arms, could never be me and the person I love. At least not here, under the night sky, next to the river where many people run along. Now, it isn't just confusing or conflicting, it's hurting, as shown by the hand pressing the left side of my chest.

Why would something so beautiful like love be so judged by people who also wish to be loved with all their strength? I mean, look how in love those two people seem when looking at each other's eyes and laughing at a silly thing one of them must've had said in that moment of bliss after a passionate kiss. Why would anyone judge a moment like that? Nobody does, you might say. But you're wrong if you think like that, because people do, they do judge these moments if the two people in involved are not of the same .

Another sigh escaped through my lips in an attempt to relieve that pressure from my chest. It's confusing, conflicting, hurtful and suffocating. I closed my eyes, because although that scene might've been cute and romantic to others, it only hurt and suffocated me. 

However, the same universe that tried to rub that unattainable happiness in my face, seemed to have shown me some pity, because something in my pocket vibrated and distracted me from my destructive thoughts. An involuntary smile crossed my lips when I saw the caller's ID. Paradoxically, it was the person that made me realize how confusing, conflicting, hurtful and suffocating my life could be, but also the one that brought me relief for all those negative feelings. Seulgi. Only her name made all those feelings fade away and be replaced by a transcendent serenity. 

It didn't take me too long to slide the green icon to the side and have my ear filled with that cheerful voice. I finally felt peace in my heart for the brief moment that her voice invaded my head and my brain tried to decode the words that were being said:

- Hey love, are you coming home?

Home… the place I could be myself. The place I could be with her, inside her cosy arms while our mouths connected even more passionately than the couple I just witnessed. At those moments, I could forget how unfair life was, how suffocated I felt for not being able to tell the world I was with her and she was with me and that we loved each other; to show that our relationship was as beautiful as any other, because it was simply love. At those moments, I could be myself and voice out my thoughts and desires. I could show my real feelings, the good and the bad ones, without being criticized, without meeting people's expectations about me. I could be Bae Joohyun, with all the flaws and qualities.

In fact, that definition didn't satisfy me, because if home were a place, I would keep hiding myself inside four walls, such a limited space considering the vastness of the world. So the answer I gave Seulgi was not only directed to her, but also to everyone who thinks they know who I am and what my dreams and desires are. People who try to decide who I should love, how I should do my job and how my body should be. Because I finally realized that as long as she's with me, physically or emotionally, I'll feel free.

- Yes, I'm coming to you.