"Di ko talaga alam kung bakit mo nagustuhan si Jinyoung, Rene." Inayos ni Seulgi ang pwesto niya sa tabi ko at sumandal sa headboard nang kama ko. Binalingan niya ako ng tingin at tamad na ngumuya ng pringles. 

"I mean, ang biglaan kasi. I never thought he'd become your type, really." Dagdag pa nya.

Kinunutan ko sya ng noo. "I have my reasons, Seulgi-ya." Mahinahong sagot ko at bumalik sa pagbabasa ng libro.

"Ano naman?" 

"Wag mo nang alamin." 

"Ehh, sabihin mo na sakin. Parang others ka naman, kunwari hindi tayo friends ganon?" Nilapag nya ang hawak niyang can ng pringles sa table katabi ng kama ko at gumaya ng pwesto sa 'kin. Dumapa sya sa tabi ko at tinignan ako.

I heaved a sigh and lay down, facing my ceiling.

It's time to tell her.

I can't hold this any longer. Masyado na akong nababaliw. Nakakainis! Antagal ko nang kinimkim to pero wala pa akong lakas ng loob na sabihin sa kaniya yung totoong reason kung bakit kelangan magustuhan ko si Jinyoung.

"Bored kasi ako nun," paninimula ko na kinatawa niya naman. Inirapan ko ito at natahimik naman sya saka ginaya ang pwesto ko. "Bago ko marealize na may gusto ako kay Jinyoung, there's this someone that really caught my attention. I like this someone first even before I like Jinyoung. Hindi kayang tanggapin ng pride ko na gustuhin siya kaya naghanap na lang ako ng pwedeng magustuhan. Then, I was browsing my facebook feed and I saw Jinyoung. Nagreminisce ako ng moments namin together and convinced myself that I-I have feelings for him." 

"Woah woah, hold up." Gulantang sabi ni Seulgi. Expected reaction naman na to. "You mean you just used Jinyoung to ahmm, forget this person na una mong nagustuhan? Teka, tama ba yung term na forget?"

"Exactly. I want to stop the emotions na nagbi-build at mas mabubuo pa sa sistema ko kapag pinagpatuloy ko syang gustuhin. It's so wrong to have feelings for this person, Seulgi, sa totoo lang."

"You never opened up to me about that. I can help, you know. We're bestfriends, aren't we?" Nakangusong pahayag nya at mukhang nagtatampo pa nga.

"Sira-ulo, wag ka ngang ganyan. Ang pangit mo!" Pambabara ko rito.

"You can't help me forgetting my feelings about that person Seulgi. You never will." Because the person that lead me having feelings for Jinyoung was you.

Ikaw yun Seulgi. Hindi ko kayang mawala ka sakin kaya kailangan kong pigilan yung nararamdaman ko para sayo. Hindi ko kayang iwan mo ako kapag umamin ako sayo. Pero Seulgi, naguguluhan ako. Gulong gulo na ako dahil sa mga actions na pinapakita mo sa akin.

"Kaya ko kaya. Lahat kaya kong gawin para sayo." Nakangiting sabi niya sakin na kinatigil ko naman. Kaya mas lalo akong nahuhulog eh, bakit ganyan ka ngumiti sakin? Bakit ganyan yung mga tingin na binibigay mo sa akin?

"Kidding aside. I wanna ask something."

"Ano you?"

"Yung taong nagugustuhan mo ngayon, kelan mo pa sya nagustuhan?"

"Almost one year Seul." Mahinang sagot ko at pilit na ngumiti. Lumingon ako sa pwesto ni Seulgi at pinanood ko itong nakatangin pa rin sa ceiling ng kwarto ko. "Almost one year and I still like that person."

"Talaga?" Mahinang sabi niya sa akin at nakita ko ang pagngiti niya. Iniwas ko ang tingin ko at binaling ulit ito sa kisame ng kwarto ko.

"Oo. Ang hirap niya kasing kalimutan. Me having a lil crush for Jinyoung was useless. I thought that way, I'd fully forget this person but I got disappointment in return. Akala ko lang pala. It's not easy to forget someone if the feeling you have is already that deep."

"Grabe hugot sa buhay ah. Almost one year. Ang tagal mo naman ng dinadala yan. Why not confess to that person to completely forget him?" Him. No, it's a her. It's you, stupid.

"Confessing would just complicate things, bear. That's the last thing in my mind right now, I don't want to ruin what we have." I answered whispering the last sentece.

"Huh? Ano sinabi mo? Di ko narinig yung huli." 

"Sabi ko, confessing is the last thing in my mind right now. Ewan ko sayo, ang lapit natin sa isa't isa hindi mo ako marinig." Ang lapit natin sa isa't-isa pero parang ang layo mangyari ng pangarap kong maging akin ka.

Don't get me wrong. I've no plans confessing to her but at some point, I want her. I want to own her, gusto ko maging pag-aari ko si Seulgi but I don't have the courage. Will never have the courage.

"So anong plano mong gawin? Dude, it's not easy to bottle up your emotions, you know. Lalo na at involve yang feelings mo, hindi ba nakakabaliw yan?" Exactly. Nababaliw na nga ako kakatago sayo ng nararamdaman ko tapos dinadagdagan mo pa yung confusions na naiisip ko. You're adding fuel on a fire I call overthink, bear. Kasalanan ko rin naman.

"Nakakabaliw Seul, kung alam mo lang. Gusto ko na lang nga magka-amnesia makalimutan ko lang tong nararamdaman ko para dun eh."

"Nakakabaliw pala pero bakit di mo aminin sa kaniya? Take the risk, Irene. It's for your peace of mind. If he doesn't love you back, then be it. Atleast you say what you've been hiding."

"Better said than done. Kung ganyan lang pala kasimple, edi sana matagal na akong umamin sa kaniya. Pero hindi Seul eh. Lalo na yung situation na kinaroroonan namin. Kinaroroonan ko."

"Aww. I know you're a strong woman, Irene. Malalabanan mo rin 'yan. Whatever you feel, just feel it na lang. Mawawala rin naman yan, diba? Lalo na at willing ka rin naman na mawala."

"You have a point, Seul." Huminga ako ng malalim at pinikit ko ang mga mata.

It's weird to say these to Seulgi kasi siya lang din naman yung tinutukoy ko at the same time nakakagaan din sa pakiramdam kasi alam kong aware sya sa nararamdaman ko. Indirect kumbaga.

I'm having an inner battle right now to just tell to her blatantly what I feel or to keep my mouth shut. It's the perfect chance but like what I've said, I never had plans confessing what I feel. Directly.

"He's lucky." Narinig kong paninimula ni Seulgi kaya hinintay ko itong magsalita ulit. Idiot, you mean you're lucky?

I placed my forearm on my forehead and wait for her additional statement. "That guy is so lucky because you're into him. You're Irene Bae. Irene ing Bae." Natatawa nyang sabi na kina-alarma ko kaya kinurot ko ito sa tagiliran. "Aray! Sakit ah!" Natatawang sabi nya kaya mas diniinan ko pa.

"Don't use curse word in my name, Kang." Seryosong sabi ko sa kaniya na kinangiwi nya. "Sorry." Mahinang paumanhin nito.

Tatanggalin ko na sana yung kamay ko na nakapatong pa sa tagiliran niya ng bigla nya itong hawakan. She intertwined our fingers and held my hand tightly. Nakahiga pa rin kami pareho sa kama ko and I want to get up and chug a glass of water kasi pakiramdam ko ay nanuyo na yung lalamunan ko dahil sa biglaan nyang paghawak sa kamay ko.

This. This is one of those many stunts she pulled kaya mas naguluhan ako sa nararamdaman ko at nararamdaman niya. Ito yung isa sa mga rason kung bakit naiisip ko rin na baka nga may gusto rin sya sa akin. Na pareho kami ng nararamdaman. I don't even know if this is the usual self of Seulgi. We're not super clingy to each other before but now, nagiging ganito na. I don't wanna assume na may meaning nga yung mga ginagawa nya sa akin but I can't help but to assume. Assume that we're feeling the same way.

Naramdaman kong nilaro-laro nya ang mga daliri naming magkalapat at mahinang natawa. "I really love the warmth your hand is giving me Rene." Nakangiti at mahinang sabi nya na kinatawa ko.

"Same." Pag sang-ayon ko. I get what she meant. That's how I feel holding her hand like this.

"It's weird." 

"Ang alin?"

"Me holding your hand like this. Hindi ka ba nawi-weirduhan? Ginagawa ba talaga ng mga magkakaibigan yung holding hands while laying on bed?"

"What do you mean, Seulgi? Just go straight to the point."

"We're just friends right? Nothing more, nothing less. Plain friends? Yung holding hands na ginagawa natin ngayon, including the hugs and forehead kisses, we do that as a token of friendship right? Walang malisya?" Walang malisya sayo pero sa akin meron.

"Hindi ako slow pagdating sa mga taong nagkakagusto sa akin." Litanya nya na nagbigay sa akin ng slight na kaba. She knows?

"I'm not a dense person, Rene. I can feel it when someone's interested in me." Mahinang dagdag nito, tinaas nya ang magkahawak naming kamay. I swallowed the lump in my throat. Damn it, anong situation meron kami ngayon? 

"So?" I masked the anxiousness I'm feeling right now. Gusto kong kalasin yung kamay naming magkahawak pero wala akong lakas.

"I just wanna point out that if ever you're feeling something for me, don't tell it to me. Never tell it to me, Irene. Napapansin ko kasing iba yung way ng treatment mo pagdating sakin." Natawa sya. "I'm observant diba? Expertise ko ang emosyon ng mga tao. Hope I'm wrong in your case." Putangina. I was that obvious?

"I'm having this gut feeling that you l-like me. Everytime your looking at me and the way you talk to me or praise me in everything I do. Tuwing iniisip ko na meron ka ngang gusto sa akin, hindi ko yata kakayanin. I can't offer something that's more than friendship. I treasure what we have, you know. I don't want to risk it. You're my only friend. A companion. You're my safe haven, Rene and I can't afford to lose you just because my gut feeling is right all along." Natatawang sabi niya na kinatikom ng bibig ko. "I'm wrong right? Gosh, after months of holding this, I finally told you what I've observed."

"Siraulo ka, bakit ako magkakagusto sayo?" I tried hard to control my voice. "Ang dugyot mo kaya tsaka puro ka pringles." Natatawang sabi ko na lang para maitago yung kunting sakit na nararamdaman ko.

"Ewan ko rin. Bakit ko ba naisip yun? Abnormal yata ako."

"Tss. Sira."

"Sorry na. Wrong observations then. Atleast I'm relieved na yung kung ano ang totoo ay di gaya ng iniisip ko!" Masayang pahiwatig nya at nagulat ako ng bigla nyang nilapit sa akin ang katawan nya at kinulong ako sa braso nya. She hugged me tightly and I just want to melt right here, right now.

I'm sorry for having these feelings for you Seulgi, but don't worry. I'll try my best to forget what I feel without telling you nor avoiding you that would cost our friends. Just like how you view our relationship, I can't afford to lose my bestfriend, my companion, my safe have and my home as well. Right now, I'd still like you the same way like how I liked you the moment I realized my feelings for you. I will let it disperse until I finally get over.

Gusto kita Seulgi. Gusto ko mang magkagusto sa iba para mawala na yung nararamdaman ko para sayo pero wag muna. Ikaw muna.

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Highly appreciated po ang comment. Tnxx.