The sun was setting as the first snow of winter fell, floating softly to the ground, gradually covering everything in pure, cleansing white. It was only a matter of time before the snow was tainted, but for now, it was beautiful.

Eunhyuk lay in bed. Alone. The cold, hard pillow was his only comfort from the piercing loneliness he felt. This was the tenth night in a row that he'd had the unwelcoming substitute for a warm body. It was the tenth night that he hadn't returned before he had gone to sleep. Sleep was when he didn't need him. He'd drift off in the empty bed and wake up with him next to him, his chest slowly rising and falling as he slept, blissful in his unawareness of the affect he was having. When he would arise , it was his turn to be alone in the bed as his foolish companion would wake early to make his breakfast before he went to work. If Eunhyuk couldn't fall asleep with him, then at least they could eat together. Alarm ringing at seven O' clock, the man would groggily turn it off, sit up straight and extend his fingers upwards in a long, satisfying stretch; the familiar smell of cooking bacon sliding under the door and towards his nostrils. Swinging his legs over the bed, he shuffled into his slippers then shuffled his feet over to and out of the door. The foolish man had made his breakfast. Having it ready at five past seven every morning. He'd welcome him with a fake, well practised smile and a greeting:

“Morning Donghae.”

To which he would reply, “morning”, not really bothered, just giving the basic pleasantries so that he could hurry and get his breakfast. He'd wolf it down, pretending to read a newspaper that had been placed on the table next to his plate, avoiding the eyes of the man who was looking at him, smile still on face, hoping for the eye contact that would allow him to start a conversation.

It didn't happen any more. Ever.

Food finished, he stood up and headed straight for the bathroom to shower up. The water cascaded onto his head and down his back; and he felt no remorse or guilt. Eunhyuk, whose smile had dissipated the moment Donghae had left the kitchen, sat staring at the empty plate. He did wish things were different, but if that was all he was going to get, then that was how it would be.

All showered, Donghae left the bathroom, walking through the kitchen on his way to the bedroom to get changed. He didn't even acknowledge Eunhyuk whose face had transformed into a large gummy smile once again in the vain hope of a few lines of conversation. Humming lines of a song he'd had stuck in his head since the previous night, he headed directly to the bedroom, eyes focused straight ahead of him. The door closing triggered the decent of the fake smile. Another morning came and passed in the usual way.

Donghae left for work at eight thirty; he didn't leave the bedroom until it was that time. Eunhyuk waited patiently for him, busying himself tidying away the cooking utensils and straightening up the apartment. When he heard the click of the bedroom door, he ran into view, smile at the ready, but he was too late. All that was left of Donghae was his back as he disappeared through the front door.

“Have a good day.....” he shouted, only to be rejected by the closing of the door, deflecting his call like a forcefield.

Another day alone.

*

Eunhyuk and Donghae had been in a relationship for about three years; living together for just over two of those. They had started out as friends, meeting in university. Since neither of them knew anyone else, they clung to each other as soon as they found they were in the same classes for every module. They'd spend all day together and most evenings. Eunhyuk commuted to university whereas Donghae lived near campus so Eunhyuk would stay over at his house a lot. Spending so much time together meant that their friendship progressed quickly, and within months, they were in a relationship. Donghae was naturally the most outgoing of the two so he made all the moves which Eunhyuk gave into willingly. This outgoingness translated into their later life with Donghae being the one who made the decision for them to move in together and then he was the one who got a job to look after them while Eunhyuk agreed to take care of things at the apartment. He worked a little, but only on weekends. Over time, Eunhyuk had began to rely on Donghae for everything. Maybe a little too much. He didn't want to do anything unless Donghae wanted to, coming to shape his whole being around him.

To hope that Donghae would return home at a reasonable time was a waste. He wouldn't. Deep down, Eunhyuk new why. A few weeks previous when the two were actually conversing beyond the limits of 'morning', Donghae had told him about a new man at work: Choi Siwon. He spoke about him with an enthusiasm that had angered him, but he ignored it, believing that Donghae loved him too much to even consider cheating on him..... what a misguided judgement. At that, he had started to come home progressively later; his passiveness increasing. He knew Donghae was cheating on him. He'd thought many times about asking him about it, the situation playing out in his head constantly, but he daren't. He was scared that if he did confront him, Donghae would leave him, and if he left him, he wouldn't know what to do with himself. Donghae was everything to him. His whole life revolved around him and his whole soul was practically built on him, and how could you live without your soul?

*

The day passed as slowly as it usually did as Eunhyuk did monotonous task after monotonous task; filling the void until it was time to go to sleep. Since the night before, the snow had become quite deep, filling up every footstep that broke the flawless blanket. The time ticked onto eleven O'clock as Eunhyuk slumped into bed, arranging his substitute pillow once again. He left the curtains open this time so he could look out at the gentle falling snow.

The door clicked open at twelve twenty five. Eunhyuk was still awake watching the snow, listening to the shuffling feet making their way to the bedroom. Slowly Donghae opened the door, trying his best not to make any sound that would wake Eunhyuk up. His dark silhouette was visible because of the light from the open curtains as he started to undress, taking off everything but his boxer shorts and pulling back the covers, sliding into bed next to the man he thought – hoped – was asleep. Shuffling down so he was fully covered by the sheets, he let out a deep sigh, turning onto his side to look at the man who was laid on his side facing him. Tracing his features with his eyes for the first time in weeks, he took in every part of him. Letting a long breath out, he reached out and placed a hand on Eunhyuk's side.

Eunhyuk could feel his eyes on him and it felt like it was burning. When he felt the pressure on his side, he went up in smoke. He'd longed for that touch for so long. Overwhelmed, he slowly opened his eyes making instant contact with the man before him. To his surprise, he didn't look away, instead he allowed it, meeting his gaze with a strong, penetrating look that was piercing straight through him. Eunhyuk felt exposed but held strong since he had longed for this, anything that signalled that he acknowledged him. After a few minutes of this, Eunhyuk could feel himself dissolving in Donghae's eyes. He had to say something, but every time he found the words, they slid back down his throat. Feeling Donghae's hand slowly sliding off his side, he forced the words back up his throat in a fight or flight panic.

“W-what's going on?” He asked, his voice shaking slightly, not as confident as he's hoped. “What's happening to us?”

Donghae blinked slowly, not breaking the eye contact but lessening its impact.

“What do you mean?” he enquired.

“You know what I mean, please don't make me explain.”

He could see Eunhyuk breaking before his very eyes, but felt no compulsion to prevent it. His pleading eyes just bounced off him as all of his emotions were numb to his attacks.

“What do you want me to say?” Donghae asked, his voice cold and unwelcoming.

“I want you to tell me these past weeks have been a mistake. I want you to tell me you love me.” Eunhyuk replied as his emotions shook his voice. “You don't have to mean it..... just make me believe it......”

Donghae just stared at him, his eyebrows furrowing at what he'd just heard. Was Eunhyuk willing to stay with him even if he didn't love him.

“I've been sleeping with Siwon.....” Donghae said a little too bluntly. Eunhyuk didn't even flinch, it was no surprise to him. “But you already know that don't you? Do you still want my love even after knowing this? After knowing that every night, I go back to Siwon's apartment and sleep with him. That every time, I consider never coming back here....... Every night I contemplate leaving you........”

When he'd finished speaking, Eunhyuk's eyes flickered slowly closed. His body shook as every word Donghae spoke chipped pieces of his heart away.

“And you ask me to fool you? To make you believe that I love you? Could you live like that?” He asked, his voice rising in anger with every question. “Look at me” he roughly grabbed at Eunhyuk's chin, using it to lift his head up so it was directly in line with his. “Open you eyes” he demanded.

Eunhyuk complied, slowly raising his eyelids so he could see Donghae, but wanting to close them again when he saw the cold stare he was giving him.

“Could you live like that?”

Eunhyuk answered with as much of a nod of his head that the grip Donghae had on his chin would allow him. Donghae just bit his lip, confused and angered further by Eunhyuk's answer.

“Are you sure?” What did he want him to say? Did he want him to tell him that he couldn't live like that or was he just making sure that he could?

He took a deep breath before speaking again. “Everyday I walk out of that door intent on never coming back..... but every time I do...... Why do I keep coming back when everything I get there is much better than anything you could ever give me? I get noting from you anymore.”

Eunhyuk let out a strangled sob clutching his hand to his chest. He'd never known Donghae to be this hurtful. He could feel his eyes welling up and this was visible to Donghae who lifted up his hand and gently started to wipe the tears away before they could fall. If they fell Eunhyuk would break. He was destroying him and he knew it.

“I can't help myself. It's like I'm connected to you by invisible strings that won't let me get away.” he stated while continuing to prevent Eunhyuk's tears from falling.

“You love me don't you?” he asked, but he really didn't need the answer that came in the form of another head nod. “And if I tell you that I love you, you'll believe me?” Another nod. “Even if you know deep down that that might not be true?” Yet another nod.

Squeezing his eyes shut and letting out a long frustrated sigh, he removed his hand from Eunhyuk'sface, eliciting a whimper. He shook his head and reached his arm around the back of himself, grabbing the covers. “You're a fool,” he muttered, then pulled the covers off of him, swinging his body around and climbing out of bed. Quickly he got dressed, trying not to look in the direction of Eunhyuk who was questioning him.

“What are you doing? Where are you going?” he pleaded, tears falling from his eyes again.

No answer. He had not answer to give him. His mouth had no more words left for Eunhyuk to hear. His well was dry.

“Please don't leave me!” he shouted, but it was all in vain.

Fully dressed, he made his way out of the bedroom, closing the door on all the questions Eunhyuk was still desperately throwing at him. When Eunhyuk heard the front door open then promptly close again, he crashed himself face down into his pillow, letting out a muffled, billowing cry into it. His body convulsed as he sobbed the remaining pieces of his heart away. Bringing his hands up to his head he started to pull at his hair and dig his nails into his scalp, drawing blood but not caring one bit. The burning sensation was nothing compared to the pain he felt in his heart. How could he leave him when he was willing do do anything for him. Anything at all that he asked, he thought. That was what he had pretty much done for the entire time they had been together.

Sobbing himself numb, Eunhyuk fell into a deep sleep. When he awoke, it was three O'clock in the morning, the coldness of the bed bringing him back into his harsh reality. Blinking his eyes to stop the stinging, he reached for his mobile phone on the bedside table. No calls. No texts. No Donghae. Clicking into the phone book, he searched through for Donghae's number. He wanted to talk to him but he didn't know what he would say. He probably wouldn't answer anyway. Just as he was about to confirm the call, he was stopped in his tracks by the familiar click of the lock of the front door. Then it opened and the sound of someone shuffling in could be heard. Then there came a shuffling in the direction of the bedroom door, followed by the turning of the door handle. Door open, the man shuffled in, listening intently for sounds of sleep coming from the form on the bed. Eunhyuk, in sheer surprise and panic laid still, closing his eyes. Moving around the side of the bed to get a better look, Donghae peered into Eunhyuk's face. Gently he placed himself down on the bed, laying down on his side mirroring the man before him's position.

“Are you awake?” he asked, looking intently at his face.

“Yes,” was his simple reply, his eyes remaining closed because he feared he would break down if he looked into those cold eyes again.

“Will you look at me?” his answer being a shake of the head. “Please? I need you to look at me.” he requested, his voice sounding softer than earlier.

Slowly Eunhyuk obeyed, opening his eyes that were still stinging from earlier. They met with the shining orbs of Donghae who was looking at him intently.

“I...... I was really going to do it this time............ I finally going to leave.........But I couldn't. I went to Siwon's. I was going to ask him if I could stay with him, but as soon as I entered his apartment, I had to leave. This overwhelming feeling came over me and I just had to get out of there........ and now I'm back here......... again..........”

He blinked his eyes with a look on his face connoting to deep sadness. Eunhyuk once again felt like he was lost at sea in his eyes. Then silent tears began to fall, but this time, they weren't Eunhyuk's. They were Donghae's. As a reflex action – mirroring Donghae earlier – Eunhyuk lifted his hands and cupped the man's face, gently away the tears with his thumbs.

Squeezing his eyes shut in frustration, he gave in: “Euhyuk, I love you...........”