“If you come into my room you'll see it's full of dark nothings and somber things. Wallpaper, and floor, and a bed, a closet, and a sofa, a record player, and scented candles Under the projector beam light, all becomes blackish or as if their color has dulled. 

So I thought my room was dark. 

Even though there's a white fireplace right next to my door, I wonder why I've lived blindly with my eyes closed. I wonder. 

Maybe that's because it was a hot summer the moment I realized I was living with my eyes shut. 

Winter nights. 

I truly cherished those flames. 

When the fire was lit I'd listen to music with bravado, and even puzzled for days 

over how to best decorate the mantle. 

That fire was the spoils of my war-like life that winter. 

But the first summer day I completely forgot about it. 

Completely other than the few times a guest would inquire about it for a minute or two It was erased from my life. 

When I'm drunk I share these stories in an array 

Just like a love story from younger days 

Seeming to others like we had fallen victim to something. 

Is it possible to forget something as white as snow in a jet black room? 

Is it possible to stop forgetting things like colors and shapes? 

Every existence longs for validation. 

The moment one can explain and understand their own value and reason for existence, then one can rest. The apple of my eye in winter, that fireplace vanishes for me in summer. Do you have one too? 

Once the focus of all my love and then silently ended up perishing A pitiful existence like my room's fireplace. 

An existence who even still waits for winter's glory. “

-Kim Jonghyun, Fireplace. Story Op. 2 Essay Version: Translation by SHINee USA.

 

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Fireplace

In my room, there’s dark and somber things. 

No light comes through the windows, the wallpaper is dark and the scent in the air is thick with dark scented candles. 

But, I liked things dark. 

It was easier not to see the mess I’d become when things in front of me were so dark. 

The summer nights were hot in my room. No need for blankets or warmth when the sweltering heat found its way into my space, making itself at home and forcing us to coexist. 

However, the winter nights were brittle and cold, causing me to call on an old friend, the fireplace in the corner of my room.
During the summer, its mantle becoming a place for storage and holder of empty soju bottles my mom would clean up during the days I slept in too late after being out too early. 

During the winter, the fireplace and I depended on each other, me keeping the fire going and the fireplace keeping me warm. 

I always thought that was so poetic.

Using the fireplace when it benefitted me, but wanting nothing to do with it when it didn’t fit into my life. 

And I feel like that’s how he and I treated each other. 

 

The winters in Seoul were cold. 

But as he and I crashed into my room, removing clothes from each other’s bodies, ping coats and kicking shoes, throwing socks and pants, the only thing mattering in that moment was the passion and heat between us.

He kissed down my jaw, biting at my neck and moving lower down my body. 

He made me feel so warm during those cold winters at home. His light skin, being the brightest thing in my room, my moans filled the air around us, as he clasped his hand over my mouth in a hurry. 

Going to his house was too dangerous. Too close to work. Too close to wandering eyes, my house, which I shared with my mother and sister, was a bit more secluded, further from the city, the chaos, the fans. 

Our relationship was suspicious to my mother, but as her only son, she just wanted me to be happy, with whoever that was. She’d seen women come and go, a few men too. But he was the only consistent one in my life as these years flew by. 

When he would come over, we would go down to my room and close the door, not to be heard from for hours, not responding when my mother asked if we were hungry, too full on our own desires for each other to notice a growling stomach or two. 

Every time we finished, he would hook his arm around my waist, kiss my cheek and say thank you.
I always asked what he was thanking me for. We were used to this. Using each other for what we needed at the moment. When I said that, he would smile and drift off to sleep, the sweat on his forehead making his hair wet, I would always push it back from his face so he could sleep comfortably. 

 

We would wake in the morning, shivering, holding each other’s bodies closer than the night before, relying on the other as a heat source. 

A chime from a phone, unsure which one, caused our eyes to jump open and look at the clock. Not time to move yet.

So we didn’t until a knock at the door caused our eyes to open again. 

“.” He whispered, rushing to get dressed, grabbing his pants off the floor and sitting up to put them on. 

“Yeah?” I called out toward the door, a sense of annoyance in my voice, wanting to spend more time in bed with him and knowing all too well that once the reality around us settled in as a new day began, our escapades were a thing of the past.

“Are you hungry? You didn’t eat dinner. Mom said you need to eat.” My sister yelled through the closed door. I sighed and looked at him, glowing in the morning per usual, bringing some light into the room without even trying, I gently kissed his back before he pulled a hoodie over it. A hoodie that looked all too familiar. In this game he and I play, I lose a hoodie each time, knowing I’ll find them all at his house, he rarely lets me in. 

“I’ll be out in a second.” I yelled back at my sister. I could hear her footsteps leave my door, only to return seconds later. 

“Mom said make sure Kibum eats before you kick him out too.” She snickered at this comment, letting us know that we had been caught. 

“You hungry?” I asked him, admiring him again. The way his bright eyes shined in the little sunlight that crept into my room, it seemed so intentional that he brought the brightness with him.

I found myself attracted to him in the strangest of ways. The way his fingers wrapped around me in the cold of the night, the light butterfly kisses he placed on my cheek and chest through the night made me feel special, even though I knew I wasn’t the only one who spent nights with him like this. He wasn’t the only one who spent them with me either. He was, however, the only one my mother offered a meal to in the mornings. 

“No, I should go. I’ll see you at practice in a few hours. Thanks again.” He kissed my cheek again and I walked him out the front door. Not before my mother packed him something to eat to take with him on his ride back home. 

 

The winters in Seoul were cold. 

The practice rooms were always toasty around this time, which made it hard to dance, the heat in conjunction with our movements usually made for a more miserable experience.

Pretending Kibum didn’t leave my house this morning was always my favorite part of the day, as I laced up my shoes waiting on the other members to show up, I was always the only one on time. 

In walked Taemin, Jinki and Minho, but Kibum had not arrived yet. It was rare for Taemin to get here and not be the last to arrive.

I looked at the door, waiting for Kibum to walk in, but he didn’t. 

“Where’s Bummie?” I asked the others, taking a sip out of my water, trying to look cool, failing miserably. 

“Said his back hurt this morning, so he might be sitting this one out.” Taemin mentioned, practicing the steps in the mirror in front of him, his thin frame taking such big presence in the room once he started dancing. His moves were less calculated for warm ups, flowing to the low hum of the music in the background. 

“Is he okay?” I mumbled as I wanted to add, He was fine this morning, but could not. 

“Maybe just a rough night. You know how he is.” Minho added, standing up to join Taemin. 

I shook my head, feeling guilt immediately in my chest but trying not to let it show, I pulled out my phone.

You OK? I texted Kibum.

 

“Jonghyun!” They called, and I jogged over to start the dance. We moved in sync, making sure to leave Kibum’s space empty.

 

Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll have to practice twice as hard. I read a message from Kibum on my phone as practice wrapped up. 

Glad you’re okay. See you tonight? I asked him. He responded immediately. 

Can’t. Plans, maybe another time. I locked my phone, and looked up at the others.
“What are you guys doing after this? You want to eat or something? We don’t have any schedules.” I asked the others as we gathered our bags, changed into our winter boots and zipped up our jackets, bracing ourselves for the cold winter outside the warm practice room. 

 

“I have plans, you guys have a good night!” Minho said to us all and then he was gone.
“Jinki, what about you?” I asked.

“I actually have a girl waiting for me after this, Jjong. I’m sorry.” And with that, Jinki was out the door as well. 

The chill came in when he left and I looked over at Taemin and shivered.
“You gonna be okay?” Taemin asked as he checked his messages on his phone and sent a selca to someone in the middle of his sentence. Smiling and closing one eye while holding up the peace sign. I chuckled at him. 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. What are you about to do? You want to hang out?” I asked him, and he shook his head.
“Heading to Jongin’s for a party tonight. You’re welcome to join if you want.” 

I considered it, wondering if sitting in my room, playing with Roo and watching movies would be better than socializing with some friends a bit younger than me. 

I wanted to hang out, but something lowkey, a party not the ideal environment for my somber ways of the night. I kindly thanked Taemin, but declined the invitation, heading home instead.
 

“No guests tonight?” My sister asked from the couch as I walked into the door, shivering and cold. Roo greeted me at the door and I picked her up, giving her kisses and getting sloppy wet ones in return. 

“Funny.” I replied dryly, not really in the mood for her jokes. 

“Goodnight, brother.” She laughed, standing up to give me a hug on her way up to her room. 

I walked down to my own, beckoning Roo to follow me down.

 

The winters in Seoul were cold. 

Loneliness at the end of the night was colder. Nobody in my bed to keep me warm tonight, I turned to the fireplace in the corner of my dark room. Containers and bottles lined the mantle. I decided to clean it, pulling the bottles down and lighting a candle, it’s crackle from the wooden wick whispering sweet sounds into my ear. I shivered again, and lit the fire inside the fireplace. The flames danced slowly on the wood, taking the colors and creating something new, painted with reds, oranges and yellows. The sounds of crackling filled the room as I poked at the fire, it spread across the wood. 

In this big, dark, empty room there was only the light from the fireplace and me, poking at it from time to time, keeping it going. Using each other for what we needed at that moment. I gave that fireplace life and warmth, and in return it did the same for me. 

 

A buzz from my phone woke me from my sleep. I slept harder after my nightly rendezvous, but on nights I spent alone, I slept lighter, simple things waking me easier. 

I unlocked my phone, my eyes squinting from the brightness it protruded, I tried to adjust them in the darkness. A message from Kibum. 

Still up? He asked. I signed, locking my phone, wondering if replying was worth it. I checked the clock across the room and it was 2am. Kibum was probably drunk and alone. 

Not really. You okay? I finally responded back. His response was immediate, as if he were waiting on me to text him back. 

Can you come over? I looked over at the clock again. 2am.

Yeah. 

I sat up and slipped on some sweatpants and a hoodie. I reached for one seeing that I only had a few left. Hopefully I could collect some of my stolen ones back when I arrived at his apartment. In an effort not to wake her, I sent my sister a text, letting her know I left out to check on a friend. I bundled up, and was on my way. 

 

The winters in Seoul were cold. 

Coldest at night in my lamborghini as I zoomed down the highway, the streetlights that lined the sides following my every move. 

I pulled into an all too familiar parking spot, in an all too familiar apartment complex. I looked around before stepping out, putting on a face mask and a hat, pulling it low just in case. 

My car was an obvious identifier, any fan brave enough to hang out outside of Kibum’s apartment, was probably a big enough fan to know exactly what my white lamborghini that cost more than anything I’d ever owned, but with writing credits, brand deals and the group, I’ve made a little extra money and what would I have to show for it? 

I walked up to Kibum’s apartment, moving quick even though there were no fans in sight. I texted him when I was pulling in to open the door, so when I arrived he was waiting for me at the front door. 

He was clad in one of my oversized hoodies, that hung off of his body, exposing his collarbone and shoulder. He had on a pair of boxer briefs which hung tight on his thighs and clung to his skin for dear life, showing an outline of the goods inside. His hair wet, noting he probably just got out of the shower. A red mark showing on his neck, one from me or another lover in the past few days, it was hard to tell. But he looked stunning.
I noticed in my gawking that my throat and lips had become dry. 

“Gonna stand and stare or you gonna come in?” He asked, moving to the side for me to walk into his apartment. I was greeted by his dogs at the door, and after a pat of acknowledgement, they dispersed into another room, satisfied. 

“Why did you call me over at 2am?” I asked him.

“I haven’t seen you today and I sleep better in the winter next to you.” Kibum inched toward me on the couch. 

I let out a small smile. It was true, I slept better next to him too, but two in the morning phonecalls for someone who wasn’t my boyfriend was a can of worms, I felt needed to be addressed. 

“Bum, what are we doing?” I asked as I watched him snake his fingers into mine, playing with the ring I wore on my finger. The ring that matched his own. 

“Going to my room.” He stood up, grabbed my hand and dragged me into a room completely opposite of my own. 

It had a window, white walls and white flooring. A bed and a vanity inside. Books lined the side of his bed, his favorite past time at night trying his best to stay off of his phone well into the night.

Dropping my frustration with his refusal to answer my “What are we” question, one he tended to avoid more than I’d like to admit. 

“How is your back?” I asked, remembering him missing practice. 

“It’s a little better now.” He mumbled, sitting on one side of the bed, leaving enough space for me to join him, but instead i stood, towering over him in one of the only instances I was taller than him . 

“Did I hurt you?” I asked softly, getting in his face, and placing a light kiss on his forehead. He hugged me close and we stayed like that, inhaling the scent of his expensive soaps that lingered on my pillowcases every now and then. 

“Only a little, but it was worth it.” He smirked and I pushed him back gently onto the bed, our faces inches apart. I placed kisses on his nose and then his lips attaches to mine, parting ways to make room for my tongue, that I did not enter. Instead I flipped him over to his stomach. “What are you doing, no at all?” Kibum giggled. 

I lifted his shirt and kissed his . I started rubbing his back softly, pushing my thumbs into his lower back, causing him to moan. Moving in circles, and hearing the sounds of his moans, going up his back and spine. He felt like putty in my hands, able to mold at my disposal.  

“Does this help, baby?” I asked, kissing lightly his back as I massaged him. I felt him tense up under my hands. Did I say something I wasn’t supposed to? 

“Jjong.” He mewled out. 

“Hm?” 

“You know you can’t call me that...” when he said that, I felt my heart skip a beat and shatter into a million pieces.
In an effort to play it cool, I stopped rubbing his back and laid next to him instead.
“Sorry,” I mumbled, “I got caught up in the moment. Let’s get some rest.” 

Silence loomed over the room. I laid stiff on one side of the bed, wondering if I should just get up and go home after successfully getting my feelings hurt, I realized the room with no one in it but me and my fireplace seemed warmer than this room in this moment. 

“No, I’m sorry.” Kibum said in the darkness after forever seemed to pass with nothing said at all, “I just don’t want this to be more complicated than it is.”

There was silence again. 

“What do you mean by that?” I asked him, but this was always a hard question. What was complicated and how were we not already there? Calling me at 2 in the morning to sleep with him, leaving my house early in the mornings and living in the shadows that are our secrets in the afternoon. We were already complicated. 

“I mean, you and I are bandmates, Jonghyun. We fool around, but what do you always say? We’re just using each other for what we need in the moment. Sometimes you need a friend so you don’t feel lonely and sometimes I need to be held at night so I don’t feel lonely. It doesn’t make us anything more or anything less than bandmates.” Kibum refused to make eye contact with me when he said that, instead looking down at the bed beneath us. 

Meanwhile my body felt like jelly. I felt like there was nothing holding me together as each sentence slapped me in the face, I wanted to slide off of the bed and hide, but instead, I chose anger.
Of course I said that. Like my fireplace in the winters, he and I used each other for the mere necessity of survival. Being an idol did not allow me to date as I normally would at the age of 22. So the only option I had was him.

Of course I said that. We did only use each other for the nights we spent together, wrapped in one another, beckoning goodbye in the morning and a goodbye in the afternoons. 

Of course I said that. I told him we were only using each other for what we needed at the time.
Every human existence longs for nothing more than validation. 

So sure, of course I said that.

But did I mean it? 

“I should go.” was the only thing I was brave enough to say in that moment, I stood up to gather my coat and my boots to brace the cold yet again. Kibum grabbed my hand. 

“Stop.” He said, making eye contact, his brown orbs connecting with mine as tears brimmed his eyes. “Don’t go.” 

“If all we are is bandmates, then you have three other people you can call. I’m gonna go home. Have a good night.” and with that, I was back in my lamborghini, speeding down the highway in the other direction. The tears in my eyes finally given the permission the flow free. 

 

The winters in seoul were cold. 

Almost as cold as heartbreak. There was no secret that I had loved him for much more than I led on. I fell for it. I fell for it all. The nights where he was mine and mine only. The mornings he snuck out, bidding my mother and sister goodbye. I fell for the way he made me feel, warm in the winter when everything around me was so dark and cold. 

I was a fool.

“Jonghyunnie, are you hungry?” I heard my mother call down to my bedroom yet again. No response from me. A few days had passed, and my routine was simplified to sleeping most of the day and eating none of it. My sister and my mother took turns being concerned, coming down to my bedroom to ask what time I was going to work or what SHINee was up to today in an effort to get me out of the house. 

None of that mattered. 

I was bailing on schedules, forcing the management team to come up with an excuse for my absence. I wasn’t going to practice, forcing my bandmates to leave my spot empty in the same way we left Kibum’s. Appearances? Work? Practices? 

None of that mattered.

“Baby, you have to eat.” I heard my mother’s voice closer as she barged into my bedroom, fumbling around in the darkness, I heard her shiver. “Jonghyun, it’s freezing in here.”

“Mom, I’ll eat later. Please leave.” I asked nicely, still trying hard not to appear a disrespectful son in a house I paid the bills in. 

My mom turned to my fireplace in the corner, seeing it lined with glass bottles which once contained the solution to my problems, shreds of paper from ripped up song lyric attempts. She sighed as if it held the weight of the world in each breath. 

She walked in its direction, cleaning it off, grabbing the bottles and starting a fire to give me warmth as I tried to freeze myself in that dark and somber room. 

I watched the shadows of the orange and red flames dance on the wall I was so fixated on in the sadness of the night. I felt the warmth creep up my back and fill the room with quick desire to exonerate the cold air that filled the space. 

My mother said nothing, but on her way out the door i heard the clanking of glass bottles in her arms. I turned my back to see the mantle had been cleaned. 

 

“Brother, you have a guest.” My sister called down moments later. I did not respond, everyone knowing I wanted no guests. I just wanted to be alone. 

I heard my bedroom door swing open without the sound of a knock to follow. 

“Yah, this is how you’re living now? Nobody’s seen you for days and this is what you’re doing?” A familiar voice called out. The last voice I wanted to hear.

“Get out.” I mumbled back, pulling the cover up over my head. 

“Talk to me and I’ll leave.” He bargained. I grumbled in response, facing the wall. 

“I said all of that because I felt like I had to, Jonghyun.” He confessed, sitting on the foot of the bed. Neither of us looking at the other. I felt a pain in the pit of my stomach as he continued, “You think I don’t have feelings for you? I call you over just to sleep next to me. I think about you constantly. I haven’t even been seeing anybody else since I stole your first hoodie, jjong. You’re the only one I’ve wanted to see and that scared me. It scares me every time I ing think about it. What if the other members aren’t accepting if they find out what we’ve been doing? What if our careers get jeopardized? What if you don’t feel the same way about me that I felt for you? All of this is constantly going through my head, and there was nothing I could do about it.”

Everything he said was swimming in my mind. Each sentence ricocheting off of the next, all moving too fast and making me too dizzy to even comprehend.
Did he say he had feelings for me? And that he hadn’t been seeing anyone else? 

“Say something. Please.” He asked after I had been too silent for too long.
The only sound filling the room is that of the fireplace’s crackles, reminding us that it’s still here. 

“The fireplace is beautiful,” He added, trying his best to fill the space between us with words because I had refused to, “I can’t believe I’d never noticed it before.”

“But I’m just a bandmate” I grumbled low enough for him to hear, so much hate and resentment in each letter of the sentence, repeating to him the words he chose to hurt me the most. 

“You and I both know that isn’t true. You’re kind, you’re sweet, you’re amazing, you’re perfect, and if I could I would add “you’re mine” in there, but I don’t want to make this complicated, Jonghyun.” He buried his face in his hands. I swallowed hard, it felt like a dry piece of cotton heading down my throat. 

“It doesn’t have to be, Bum.” He smirked when I said that, and replied, 

“It almost always is, Jjong.” He slipped his fingers into mine, as we looked at each other for the first time since he’d been there. Tears streamed down both of our faces. He let go of my hand and took the sleeve of the hoodie he was wearing, my hoodie, and wiped mine off of my face before wiping his own.
“Can we try?” I asked him, lacing our fingers together yet again before pulling him down next to me and placing a lingering kiss on his forehead, making sure to stay in this moment just in case it was the last one I got to give him.

He didn’t respond, but kissed me like his life depended on it, grabbing the back of my neck to deepen the kiss. I placed my arm around his waist, and we laid like that for what seemed like an eternity, and was in reality, a few minutes. Nobody spoke, but the answer hung high in the air of the room. He smiled through his tears, and so did I. 

 

You see, 

The winters in Seoul were cold.
But in that moment, surrounded by the warmth of my fireplace and him, I felt enough warmth to heat far more than just the cold nights in Seoul.