Picture perfect memories

Scattered all around the floor

Reaching for the phone cause

I can't fight it anymore

 

 

Kyuhyun stares at his phone, his thumb hovering over the chatting app. He takes a deep breath and asks himself again if this is the right thing to do. But damn it, he doesn’t care anymore if it’s right or wrong. He’s tired of staying away, tired of wondering if he is the only one who’s drowning in his memories, tired of that hollow ache in his heart. So, so tired of missing the one person he’s built his world around.

 

He just misses Ryeowook so much.

 

 

It's a quarter after one

I'm a little drunk and I need you now

 

 

 

 

He sighs as he puts his phone down. Probably Ryeowook is already asleep – alone or with his arms wrapped around someone else. Kyuhyun feels his heart clench. It’s been almost a year since he found out, and he should be numb to the pain by now; but no, the pain he feels is still constantly there everyday. The hole in his heart is not diminishing and even feels like it’s getting bigger and bigger every passing day.

 

Not that he did not try to alleviate the pain. He did. He still does. It’s just not working at all.

 

After they broke up, he asked the management to transfer to another dorm. He thought it was a smart move. To move out from the place where they spent all their free time together, hidden from the rest of the world. From the place that held so much memories – all the love, the passion, the laughter, the sweet silences, and even the fights. At least he thought he would not need to remember so many things as he glances in every corner of the dorm or their shared bedroom.

 

He was smart, yes, but he was wrong. Because Ryeowook was still everywhere. It didn’t matter that there was no memory in that room, in that bathroom, in that kitchen, in that living room. Because he remembers Ryeowook in every thing that he does.

 

Finding out that he can’t escape his feelings despite moving places, he tried to spend less and less time resting. Maybe at the set of whatever show he is doing, he can forget Ryeowook. But alas, again he was wrong. At least though, if he’s around other people, it is easier to pretend he’s not hurting.

 

Downing another glass, he admits to himself that it’s his fault. He built his world around Ryeowook. Or maybe they built a happy bubble with just the two of them – a bubble he stupidly popped.

 

He decided he needs something stronger than wine to drink tonight and went out of his room to the refrigerator in the kitchen. As he returned, he heard his phone vibrate on the table and he immediately checked it. But then he feels the disappointment crashing in. It wasn’t from who he was waiting for.

 

 

 

 

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?

For me it happens all the time

 

 

 

 

Yes, he should have realized that before. He deserves this pain. He was the one who pushed Ryeowook first anyway.

 

 

Another shot of whiskey

Can't stop looking at the door.

Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.

 

 

They used to be inseparable. They were together for more than a decade – years of friendship, then years of being not-quite lovers, then years of blissful happiness together. Their plan was to get married in secret after their mandatory service. But being the stupid and selfish man that he is, he began wanting more after their discharge. Maybe it was the time apart that pushed his possessiveness to the roof. At first it was just a craving to claim Ryeowook as his even though he already knew that it is already true. But that craving transformed into something else. He began to get tired of living their life behind the public eye, in private dressing rooms, behind masks and caps and sunglasses, inside their dorm and the houses of their families and friends. Fights became more and more frequent, and eventually everything got toxic. He remembers that day in their old dorm as if it was yesterday and not almost two years ago.

 

 

*** Two years ago ***

 

“Stop this nonsense Kyuhyun!” Ryeowook screams at him although they were just sitting across from each other on the dining table.

 

He can’t help it and screams right back. “This is not nonsense! Is our love nonsense for you?!”

 

“You very well know how much I value our love. And that is why I am choosing to protect it!”

 

“No! I’m telling you I’m willing to give up everything for you and you call it nonsense!”

 

Ryeowook’s eyes are now filled with tears he’s trying to hold back. “Yes! Because I wouldn’t like for you to do that. I never asked you to do that. You’re just thinking that it’s okay for you now, but you would come to regret it eventually and then resent me for it!”

 

Irrationally hurt, Kyuhyun stands up and turns his back to Ryeowook and drops his voice. “Is that how low you think of my feelings for you?”

 

“What the hell Kyu, you know that’s not what I mean by that! Stop being immature for heaven’s sake!”

 

“I’m sorry I’m too immature for you. Everybody tells me I don’t deserve you anyway. Just leave me then.” But he was the one walking away.

 

Ryeowook reaches out and holds Kyuhyun’s arm, preventing him from moving further away. “Kyuhyun...”

 

“No, I’m tired of this , Ryeonggu. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of hiding. I’d rather we just break up than live the rest of my life like that.”

 

“A-are you serious?”

 

He broke his arm away from Ryeowook’s grip and started to walk towards the spare bedroom. “Yes.”

 

Ryeowook rushes over to him and back hugged him tightly, his tears dampening the back of Kyuhyun’s shirt. “N-no. No, Kyu. Please. I’m sorry. I love you. Please. Let’s talk it over again, okay?”

 

Kyuhyun stilled for a moment. “Will you leave your career for me?”

 

“You very well know I can do that. I will do that for you. But I won’t allow you to do that for me. You’re meant for so many more great things. And you know this is not just about us. We’ve talked about this. It won’t be just our career, Kyu. Our hyungs’ too. Please, be reasonable.”

 

He removed himself from Ryeowook’s embrace. “I see you’ve made your decision. Then I’ve made mine too.”

 

“Kyu...” Ryeowook’s voice was weak as he walked away.

 

“I love you, Ryeonggu. I’m sorry you don’t love me as much.” Those were his last words before he closed the door in Ryeowook’s tear-streaked face.

 

 

 

After that, Ryeowook moved out. They didn’t talk for a while; but then after a few weeks, they did. But not about the important things. Just casual stuff, like the best friends that they are. Everybody thought it meant they would eventually get back together again. He thought so too. They had group activities and he felt like they were again skating that line of not-quite-lovers. He knows Ryeowook still loves him – he can see it in his eyes and in the way he still seems to gravitate towards him.

 

But he’s always been over-confident. Some people told him that one day it would bite him back in the . He scoffed at them before but now he knows they were right.

 

One day after a schedule, he invited Ryeowook to come to the dorm and the latter agreed. They slept together. But the morning after, Ryeowook left before he even woke up. No handwritten message. No kiss. Not even a text or chat. The bed felt even colder that morning and the coldness seeped into his bones.

 

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