Every story has its own beginning, its own ending.  And mine, both starts and end with you.

I love you.

I really do.

You were my love.

My life.

My beginning.

If you are wondering, you still are.

But I lost you, and now I can do nothing but to spend my days drowning in guilt and regret.

We were happy, but we didn’t make it and there is no one else to blame but me.  It was me and my foolishness that cost me you.

If only I had been a little wiser and didn’t let my pride to get in between us, then maybe I could still be the one to wrap you in my arms instead of watching you smiling in the others.  If only I had been a little wiser, then maybe you would still be here with me.

You have got somebody else now, someone who loves you in the way that you deserve.

Does she tell you that she loves you?

Does she buy you flowers on random days, just because she was reminded of you on her way home from work?

Does she take you to dance?

Does she tell you that she is the luckiest woman because she gets to call you hers?

I did nothing of those, and now it haunts me every time that I close my eyes.

I was an idiot, to let you slipped through my hold that easily.

I was an idiot, to not hold onto you tighter.

I was an idiot, and now I pay the price.

As I stand here, underneath the lamp post which you and I used to kiss, I can’t help but to wonder.  If I could go back in time and change it all, would you be in my arms today?

If only I tell you how much I love you, and not a day would ever makes sense if your face is not what I saw first each morning.

If only I tell you of my fears, of how scared I was to lose you. 

If only I wrap my arms tighter around you and tell you that your scent is what keeps me grounded when the world is getting a little too much.

If only I tell you how I dream our future would be, would you be laughing at it or would you have cried?

I would pick you up from your work and we will gossip about your stupid workmates along the drive home.  You will curse at your boss and I will be laughing my head off.

When we are home you will rush to the kitchen, pick up your favourite pink apron and cook while I go back out to pick our kids from school.

We will help you to set the table and we will spend dinner talking about each other’s day.  When the dinner ends, I will sit at the end of the table grinning as you nag about the mess that me and the kids made or about the vegetables that we refused to eat.

Then I will hold your hand as we walk to our bedroom after wishing the kids goodnight and we will sleep through the night as we promised to see each other again tomorrow.

If only I tell you these, would you believe me when I say I love you?

If I take my time and look longer into your eyes, would you see the home that you have built in mine?

But, I was an idiot and I missed my chance.

Do you know that ever since you left, or I left, every break up song seems like they are telling my story – of how much I miss you and how I wish for you to come back.

I was listening to Taylor Swift’s the other night, and I wish you would burst through my door with a box, maybe two, of cereals in your hands.  You will first sing along to your favourite because you can never miss singing along to Taylor, then our eyes will meet and you will be reminded of the reason why you are angry in the first place.

You will throw the cereals at me and we will fight, only for us to end up laughing on the messy floor as you lie on my arms.  I will kiss you, we make up and we will fall asleep with Taylor’s music fade into the background.

Did you wish for the same?

Did you wish for me to burst through your door too?

Did you curse me for being a fool and a coward?

Did you go to sleep every night with tears on your cheeks?

Did you mistake the tick of the clock on the wall as my footsteps on your stairs?

Did you wish for me to be there, at your doorstep, every time you opened the door?

Because I did.

I cursed, still cursing myself for being the way that I was.

For letting you go that easily.

For walking out the door that evening.

Tell me, do I even have the right to be this hurt?

“Byul?”

I even hear your voice sometimes, calling my name.  Only to realize that it was just figment of my imagination.

“ByulE?”

It’s your voice again.  But I won’t respond, because you are not here.  You are gone, and it was me who pushed you away.

“Moon ByulE,”

I let out a surprised gasp as I felt your warm touch on my shoulder.

It’s real, your voice us real.  I am not imagining anything, I realise.  So I waste no second before I turn around to face you.

“It really is you.  For a second, I thought my mind was playing a trick on me,” you said, a small smile made its way to your lips.

Beautiful.

“Byul?” you called again, due to my lack of response.  Your hand had moved from my shoulder to hold mine.

“Huh?”

All my thoughts left as I stand there, looking into your eyes and my hand in yours.  This feels like a dream, one that I refuse to wake up from, one that I wish would last longer.

“You are spacing out again,” the middle of your forehead crinkled slightly as you voice your concern out, “are you alright?”

“Of course, never been better.  I am great, never been greater, just surprised to see you here,” I ramble on, scratching the back of my neck with my free hand out of habit.

“You sure?”

“Very.  I mean, I have expected to see you once I am back to this land, but I never expected that our meeting will be this soon.  It has barely been a day since I am back and here I am, standing in front of you, my hand in yours,”

You laugh. Damn, how I miss that little squeak that you did every time you laugh. And that little dimples at the corner of your lips. And the way that you would throw your head back.  I love the fact that you never bother to cover your mouth as you laugh.

 

“I thought this meeting is long overdue,” you stated when chuckles are what left from your laughs, “I’m glad that I got to meet you today,”

 

“Well, the same could be said to you,” I replied, tightening my hold on your hand.

Chilly autumn breeze blows occasionally as we stand there, locking our gaze on each other the way that we used to.  No words are spoken.

“You happy?” I asked after some time, hiding my fist into the pocket of my leather jacket.

Your smile turns wider, your thumb rubbing circles at the back of my palm before you say your reply, “very,”

One word, but it was enough to let me know everything that I should know.

I came too late.

I lost my chance.

I will spend the rest of my life regretting over the choices that I made and the choices that I didn’t.

Silence stretch between us and you break it by asking, “how about you?  Are you happy?”

I look away, for the fear that you might see the truth that I have hidden deep behind my doors. 

“I am,” I lied, like I have always been since the day I that I let you go.

“Did you blame yourself for what happened to us?”

“How could I not?  How could I not, Yongsun-ah?”

Sighing, you use your other hand to cup my cheeks and force me to look at you.

“It was not only your fault; I have a part in it too.  You didn’t fight for us, and neither did I.  We were too young, too dumb back then.  We could have tried to make us work, but we didn’t,”

“I was such a fool.  I let you go.  I took you for granted.  It was all me.  But you are happy now and only that matter to me.  Your happiness, only that matters to me,”

“But you are not.  How can I be completely happy, knowing that you are still suffering from our past?”

“I will try.  For you, I will be happy,”

You look at me, tears glistening in your eyes.  God, just when will I stop making you cry?

Pulling my hand out of the pocket, I hold onto your hand that was on my cheeks and bring it to our side.

“I love you,” I confessed, looking into your eyes, baring my soul out for you to see.  I bring both our hands up and place a kiss at the back of your palm.

“God, I love you so much and I hate myself for not telling you that enough.  I love you to the moon and back.  I love you, living or dead.  I love you, with every breath that I take.  I love you, I really do,”

At this, both our cheeks are wet with tears.  As we cried all our regrets out, as I tell you everything that I wished I had told earlier.

“You see, I have always thought I would have forever to tell you these.  Turned out, I don’t and that’s why I am regretting everything now.  Yongsun-ah, amongst everything else, I just wish you know that you are the best thing that ever happened to me.  I was the luckiest to have been given the chance to love you, even luckier that I got the chance to be loved by you.  But I am the idiot who realize everything only when it is too late,”

 

I take a few second, steadying my shaky breath and wipe the tears off her face. I need her to look into my eyes and I need to see the comfort that only her gaze can provide before I say the next few words.

“For the first and the last time, I want to tell you that – No matter where you are, or what you are doing or who you are with.  I, Moon ByulE, will always, honestly, truly, completely, love you,”

Fresh batch of tears roll down your cheeks as I am done saying the last line.

“I loved you too.  God, I really loved you,” you say in between your hiccups.

“And I still love you. I swear I do, but not in the way that I used to love you,”

You smile, and I take that as my cue to leave.  So I pull you closer, wrapping my hands around your body and inhaling your scent for one last time before I break the hug.

 

Placing one last kiss on your forehead, I take a step back, away from your touch and wipe the remaining tears off my face.

 

“I guess, this is it – the closure. Please be happy, for me, for you, for us. Till I see you again, Kim Yongsun,”

 

I walk away, feeling my heart clenching harder with my every step.

 

Far over the horizon, the sun is setting as if telling me that a chapter of my life is now over and all I can do at this moment is to wait for another chapter to start.

 

In case you didn’t know,

Baby I’m crazy about you

And I’d be lying if I say that I could live this life without you

-Brett Young – In Case You Didn’t Know-

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I will put the backstory of this chapter soon as this chapter was inspired from what happened during my last relationship.