They say love is the most beautiful thing anyone can ever experience. 

 

I beg to differ. 

 

I didn’t know how long I’ve been laying on my bed, motionless. Lifeless for hours for I have lost count and have no interest on time, no matter how much I willed my eyes to close and succumb to the sleep I so desperately need. I cant seem to. ever since last night, my heart could have never been shattered even more than it already is. 

 

And after a long night of pondering and wandering around and coming back home, the pain had numbed me. Nothing matters anymore at this point. 

 

The party was in full swing; music booming loudly from the speakers, everyone yelling and cheering at the top of their lungs, the sound of glass clanking from the congratulatory wishes of the new year ahead and people dancing their hearts out on the dance floor. 

 

Amber and Krystal stayed together on the dance floor, the music changes from the beats of techno and bass to a slow relaxing ballad. Amber took the change as her chance as she pulled Krystal in for a slow dance. 

 

To the tomboy, nothing has been more perfect than tonight. They had dinner at a great restaurant downtown, both of them took their effort in dressing up a little. After their tummies were full, Krystal and her walked around the district as the younger girl shopped for clothes from the little boutiques available. 

 

Amber smiled as she remembered all the approving glances she received from the people around them as she and Krystal walked side by side browsing through racks after racks for anything that would catch her eye. 

 

No matter how badly she wanted to hold Krystal’s hand, she held it in. knowing such action would only ruin their evening instead. 

 

Nothing made her more happy than Krystal sacrificing her evening that promised parties and drinks instead for the tomboy, her bestfriend. Everything felt right tonight. After dinner, they headed to one of their friend’s new year’s eve party in a bar downtown. They had a couple of drinks (even if Amber do not fancy alcohol) and they were now loosening themselves in the dance floor while waiting for the clock to strike twelve. 

 

“Amber” the shorter girl’s call had finally been answered as Amber snapped out from her daydream. 

 

“Huh?” 

 

“I..uh….  I have something I want to tell you” Krystal hesitated as she pulled the older girl by her shoulders, Amber then closed their gap by hugging her. 

 

Amber could hear her heart pounding in excitement as she waited for Krystal who whispered at her ear. 

 

But what the tomboy heard, she wished she heard wrong. At that moment, Amber’s world came crashing down on her; at full speed and without mercy. 

 

“I’m seeing someone right now” 

 

What else could Amber Liu who Krystal Jung only sees as a best friend do? But put up the biggest smile she can muster and no matter how hard she wanted to choke on her tears, hold it in and congratulate her. 

 

“that’s great. I’m happy for you” Krsytal pulled away from their embrace as she studied Amber’s face carefully.

 

The tomboy knew that if her best friend scrutinize her long enough, she could see right through her. So she hugged her best friend once more.  

 

“I’m happy for you Krys. I really am” Amber closed her eyes to suppress the tears already threatening to burst and she inhaled Krystal’s scent one last time. 

 

Before she had to let go. 

 

The night went on in a blur to the tomboy because all she could remember was her heart breaking over and over again. 

 

 

I could hear my Blackberry ringing in the background but I had no urge to pick it up or to entertain anyone whatsoever. 

 

I needed time  for myself to heal but I’m not so sure how long I could hold myself. Last night was the epitome of happiness in my life but I guess maybe I was too blinded by joy that I couldn’t see the signs. 

 

Perhaps its only Krystal’s way of saying goodbye. 

 

I scoffed. 

 

Yea right, you took me to heaven and destroyed me right after. 

 

I chided myself for being so foolish. For being a ing idiot to ever think that Krystal Jung may actually want to be with me. 

 

This is what you get for hoping, Amber Liu. 

 

 

 

Amber sighed for the umpteenth time that night as she took her time to walk through the pathway along the riverside. She had just sent the younger girl home after counting down to a new year. After the heartbreaking news from Krystal, she couldn’t concentrate at all and hoped  quickly for the clock to strike twelve. When it did, they exchanged new year greetings with everyone else and with each other and while Krystal continued to party on like nothing happened, all Amber could do was hold her pain in for a while, she didn’t want her best friend to know that she wasn’t fine with her dating. She didn’t want Krystal to know how much it affected her and how pathetic she was pining after her straight best friend. 

 

They left the party around three in the morning as Amber dropped her off  safely before she decided to calm her inner demons and wallow in self pity and pain. 

 

‘way to start a new year’ the androgynous girl thought bitterly to herself. 

 

She took a look at her wristwatch; it was already four in the morning. There weren’t many people hanging around , just a few couples enjoying each other’s company on the benches nearby/ 

 

‘probably after spending a great evening counting down too. If only mine could have ended like that’

 

After a few good hours and watching the sun rise from the river, only did the androgynous girl decided to take her leave and go home for her much needed rest. 

 

She sighed again; how was she going to move on with her life right now? 

 

 

 

I blinked my tired eyes again, willing my mind to relax as I felt nothing but numbness, shear blind numbness. I wanted so badly to sleep, to close my eyes and let myself wander off for a moment, even if its only for a moment. I wanted so badly to move on. To move away from this state of devastation I’m in.  

 

I’ve been trying to ever since the day I confessed, but I know I failed miserably every time Krystal would need me. Be it a driver, a shoulder to cry on, someone she needs to rant, to hit, to go shopping with, to be there for her when no one was. 

 

I was everything she wanted me to be. 

 

I know she just needs me for company because she is…no… she was single. I ignored everyone’s comment on how much I’m spoiling her and adhering to her needs. 

 

I was there every step of the way when she broke up with Minho and was by her side when she was at her lowest point. 

 

I was no fool to see what she wanted with me. 

 

I just chose to ignore that fact because I love her. 

 

In the end, it burned. This feeling burned me into ashes and I have no hope of resurrecting, at least, not for now. 

 

 

 

“I love you Krystal, not just as a friend. I know at the end of the day, you’re the only person it matters to see smiling. I know we’re best friends and this would ruin everything, that’s why I didn’t want to tell you in the first place. But now that you know, its better if I tell you the truth. I love you”

 

Amber spoke calmly as she stared into her best friend’s eyes. They’ve been fighting so much lately; she could see the lines of fatigue and worry in Krystal’s face. The taller girl was beginning to worry, if only she hadn’t gotten mad at the things Krystal said. 

 

About her being confused of her uality. Amber had been sure of her own orientation for a long time but pretended to be attracted to the opposite so she could fit in. So that the younger girl would accept her and be her friend. 

 

Then she did the most stupid and ed up thing; she fell for Krystal in the middle of their friendship. Knowing how straight and a little homophobic her best friend can be, she hid her real self in the closet. That was until she met her first girlfriend, Amber finally come out to her best friend and as expected Krystal stopped talking to her and started avoiding her, even ignored her. 

 

After a while, the younger girl finally started to be civil to her while her first relationship with a girl did not last, they found themselves pulled back to their friendship. Amber found herself falling in love all over again with Krystal. 

 

Krystal’s breakup with Minho was sudden and a shock to everyone they knew, the younger girl did not take it so well but Amber stepped in and was with her every step of the way. Amber helped her heal and move on and it strengthen their friendship even more. 

 

The older girl felt like they were more than best friends but she knows how to keep her distance because she knows Krystal wasn’t comfortable with her ual orientation yet and was proven right when Sulli told her about how Krystal thinks she’s confused about herself. Krystal was so sure that she was just confused and influenced by the people around her.  

 

Amber ended up getting pissed and avoided Krystal. The younger girl finally confronted her and she confessed. 

 

“Amber, I…” 

 

The older girl cut her off “you don’t have to accept me Krystal. I just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me and I’m sorry I burdened you with my feelings” 

 

“its not that Amber, to say that I don’t feel a thing for you would be a lie. I do feel something for you, I… I like you too but I’m not strong. I’m not strong enough to fight for this feeling, I can’t give you the sacrifices you need. I’ll only end up disappointing you and I don’t want you to feel that. Because you’re important to me, and I don’t want to hurt you” 

 

The older girl smiled, her eyes b with tears as she looked away “I get it Krys. I don’t expect you to feel the same, that why I didn’t want you to know in the first place” 

 

“but please, please know that when I said I’m gay. I’m very sure of it. If you have something you wanna know about me, just ask me. You know I’ll be honest with you” she continued. 

 

Krystal pouted “but you’ll get a girlfriend and you’ll forget about me. You’ll abandon me” 

 

“You’ll have a boyfriend in the future as well. I won’t abandon you Krys, you’re my best friend but I need time to move on. If we’re gonna be friends, I need time to move on. Because friendship and love cant co-exist” 

 

Both of them were on the verge of tears, Amber took the younger girl into her arms and they shared an embrace. 

 

“Okay…” was all Krystal could say as she tightened her grip against her best friend’s back. 

 

 

 

I remember those words clearly, every single detail that day. I don’t think it is something I could ever forget even if I tried.  

 

I didn’t abandon you Krys, you did. 

 

And now I wish more than ever I could. I spent so many years by her side loving her and protecting her, I don’t know how to feel now that she no longer feels the same. 

 

I’m no longer important to you 

 

After tossing and turning on my bed, I know I wouldn’t get any rest for today. I lazily stood up from bed and put on whatever I could find in my wardrobe before grabbing my phone,  wallet and keys.

 

I need some air

 

 

 

*************************************************************************************

 

 

 

I exited the convenience store with a pack of cigarettes in my hand, I stood at the curb while I lit one up. 

 

The first drag was amazing like how it felt a few weeks ago. I watched as the smoke began to swirl and fan out into the chilly weather. Its been a month since new year, I haven’t seen Krystal since. She never called or text or pretended to at least care about me. 

 

Those words where you said I was important to you, it all seemed like a ing lie that I made up by myself.  

 

Sulli said she’s been missing out on a lot of group meetings as well. I withdrew myself from the group for awhile since Krystal and I share the same group of friends. I didn’t want to make things more awkward than it already is. I also knew I needed time to move on.

 

I didn’t have much friends, everyone that I know, knows Krystal too. I kept everything to myself, I didn’t want Sulli and the rest to know how pathetic I was now that my best friend no longer needs me. 

 

I went to work like usual; pretended to be happy with my colleagues and at times I do feel like I could really move on, something would always pop up to remind me of the happier times I shared with her; when there were no feelings or awkwardness involved. 

 

I took another drag from my cigarette and watch the patterns of smoke as I exhaled. Its ironic how I used to hate smoking so much, but now I can’t go a day without my cigarettes. People who tell you smoking doesn’t taste good, they aren’t lying. But in time, those cancer sticks calms you. Something about smoking that slows down time and gives you this void when you think.  Those fairytale story where they tell you true love will always prevail at the end, yea, those are lies too. 

 

This is no fairy tale, its ing reality. And its ing ed up. 

 

I do not blame Krystal for my cigarette addiction, its just something that develops with time. 

 

Because this is reality 

 

It doesn’t support gay people, gay relationships, and gay marriage. People see me as a dyke, older people scowl at my appearance, kids sneer at me as they asked their parents of my gender, and  I know at some point Krystal must be disgusted at me; disgusted at my feelings for her. 

 

Who wouldn’t? which straight girl wouldn’t? 

 

I couldn’t help but sigh heavily, I shook my head and scoffed for letting myself drown in thoughts like these again. 

 

I hate weekends where I have no work, that’s where I’ll be all alone and stuck with my inner monologue. I took a few more puffs before setting the bud on the ground and putting it off with my shoes. 

 

I watch the bud extinguish before stuffing my hands into the pockets of my sweater to head back home.  

 

That’s when I saw her, clad in her dark denim jeans and white jacket with a light pink scarf around her neck. That was her favorite winter jacket, I know because we picked it together in the past and she wore it almost every time we went out. 

 

Holding her onto her hand was a guy, tall, handsome and a member of the male species. He has good fashion sense, something Soojung always wanted in her boyfriend and a fit lean frame. I tried to smile but it came out as a smirk instead. 

 

They looked happy together; laughing and smiling at each other as they shared a loving conversation. 

 

 That’s right Amber Liu, move on. Move on before you lose your heart  and your sanity completely. 

 

I thought of changing direction but Krystal had caught sight of me, I tried to be civil. I tried to smile at her no matter how much it hurts. 

 

She stopped in her tracks and her eyes went wide as she caught sight of me. Her boyfriend followed her suit as he looked at us with confusion.

 

Remember me? Your best friend? Yea, I’m still alive. 

 

“Amber….” she hesitated. 

 

I smiled and hid my cigg pack behind my back “hey Soojung” 

 

She turned to look at her boyfriend, she stared at him as if she was unsure for a while. I stepped in to make things less awkward by offering my free hand for a shake 

 

“hi, you must be Krystal’s boyfriend. I’m Amber” oblivious to the tension, he smiled and shook my hand. 

 

“Nice to meet you” he said politely. 

 

Well mannered, fit body, good fashion sense, and most importantly, he’s a guy. Something I can never be no matter how hard I try. He can give a her security, where their relationship will never be condemned or looked down upon. He can give her a family and happiness I can never give. They make such a perfect couple. 

 

You’re a fool Amber Josephine Liu

 

“Well. I’m sorta in a hurry, it was nice meeting you” I told them quickly. I just decided, I didn’t want to have anything to do with Krystal ever again. I can’t stand seeing her with another without my heart breaking, how am I supposed to be friends with her?

 

Her boyfriend smiled and nodded in understanding as she continued staring at me intently without a word. 

 

I let out another smile “Bye Krys” this time, I really mean it. 

 

I didn’t wait for her response as I continued walking down the street. As I got further, I turned around to look at their silhouette as they held hands happily continuing their journey before I interrupted them. I smiled bitterly in envy as I saw how good the both of them looked together. 

 

In the world we live in, happiness exists only to the people who fit in to stereotypes. Those who do not are rejected and shun away, I have no problem with that. I grew up being different my whole life, its part of who I am. I picked to walk this road just like so many others out there, I chose to be true to myself instead of lying to please everyone else. 

 

At least, at the end of the day, I live the life I want.  

 

I turned around before reaching for another cigg in my pack, I lit the bugger up and continued walking down the empty street. 

 

Alone; Just like how all outcasts are supposed to be.