Kyuhyun was not having a good day.He was currently flat on his back staring at his ceiling, wishing the earth would open its depths and swallow him whole.His mind was a mess and honestly he was just tired.He had just returned from a ridiculous not to mention tiring schedule.When the management had suggested the We Got Married Chinese Version thing, he was keen.It was a good idea conceivably to have him appear regularly on Chinese television when they were not in China promoting as M.When he shoot the first episode, he realized that ,whilst a good idea in theory, it was not so much practically.He had to get up dreadfully early to catch a flight to Shanghai, then act all day as if he was the embodiment of the perfect spouse, despite only thinking about sleep and the members he left behind.It was not that he hated individual schedules, it was just that he disliked being away from the others, or one in particular, that sneaky little part of his mind, would always try to point out.He did it well he thought.His co star was a nice friendly girl, pretty as well, so it wasn't all bad, but pretending to be less than awkward had been a problem. Still he survived and was happy to be soon on his way back to Korea, to be back with his brothers, to be back with him.

He put the whole thing out of his mind, when he returned home, surrounded by all the people he loved.It was just another schedule, the life of an idol right? It was all fine really, until he had been invited to commentate on the filming. He had completely forgotten about that show. He wondered how he did? Was he any good?Then he could only think to himself that it was ridiculous.Here he was having a mental breakdown because of a list of things to be considered, yet they expected him to be coherent enough to deal with that?He wanted to decline in all seriousness.He was too lost to be married right now.The events of Singapore, fresh in his mind.He attended though, like the professional he was.He could survive and he did.Somehow or the other, he pulled the Evil maknae from his hiding place, pushing all other thoughts aside and delivered a charming performance.After, however he was drained.He just wanted to come home and sleep. To hide from his worries,to pretent he did not know he had a migraine inducing Beast,buried deep within that was clawing at his insides, taunting him, whispering from all corners about that promise he had made, daring him to honour it.

Whilst his mind tortured him, so did his eyes.He was tired from faking the wittiness and interest he did not have in the show.All his spare time, was spend pushing down the Beast within, begging it to spare him yet.He was not ready yet, he did not want to face it .He was on his knees to his own consciousness, pleading for a brief respite.It was to say the least, mentally draining.By the time he made it up to the dorms, he wanted his only ally to come to his rescue, for sleep to protect him from his mind, for only his dreams were safe now.He entered  swiftly, intent to make it to his room unnoticed but he failed.Siwon had some how spotted him and called out to him.

Siwon was sadly, another entity that caused him a great deal of stress.He still had flashes of Singapore in his head every time he saw the man.He did not want to over react, but honestly he still felt that bit of contempt and also irritated as he knew it was not rational. Plus,it only fuelled the Beast more.So, to ease his own suffering he had tried to covertly avoid the man.His mere presence, triggered anger and he did not want to ever lose control.He was still rational enough to know that what ever he was feeling now was just temporary, that Siwon was still someone he loved and respected.He did not want to hurt Siwon, so he minimized their opportunity to interact.It had only been a week or so since  and he was mainly successful.Siwon had a lot of individual schedules and their paths had not crossed much.He knew it would have been awkward to act as if he had not heard him and it would have probably hurt the man if he ignored him, so he walked in the direction of his voice.

He really wished he had not though.He was greeted with a sight that made him even more irrational.Siwon was sitting on the couch with his arm thrown over his Yesung hyung, laughing at something the much smaller man had said.Upon seeing him, Siwon turned to smile at him, greeting him fondly.Yesung, his Yesung hyung, also doing the same.In that minute he could kill the both of them.They both were torturing him.Did Yesung really have to smile at him like that? So soft,so sweet? He only encourage the Beast to slap at his insides insisting he keep his promise, and made him weak.Always that gentle look in Yesung’s eyes.His smile warmed Kyuhyun’s heart and made him feel calm, like it often did, Kyuhyun realized.His tiredness washed away by just one smile.He knew though, that the relief he felt was only temporary, as the Beast would only use his relief to pad his evidence log.

It also contrasted greatly with his feelings for Siwon in that minute.Was Siwon calling him just to mock him? To show him that he still dared to touch his hyung? Did he have to act so innocent as well? The rational side of him, was informing him that he was being ridiculous.He wanted to tell the rational part to inform the angered part, who was currently in control. He really wished that Siwon would go molest some other member, in his forever unending need for skinship.Did he always have to be near his hyung? The worst part was the innocent look on Siwon’s face.Did he not realize the stress he was causing him?He almost laughed at his own self.Of course Siwon did not know.He barely knew why this was causing him so much grief yet he expected Siwon to know?Before his eyes could completely be scarred and his mind shatter from all his bipolar thoughts, he begged their dismissal, stating that he was tired and in desperate need of rest.Yesung looked at him with worried eyes, encouraging him to rest and Siwon doing the same.He knew he had to escape quickly.He could not stand there longer with Yesung looking at him like that. It just added to the mess in his jumbled mind.If asked to respond honestly; he could inform that he did not even notice Siwon’s presence any more. 

Two hours later , found him in his current situation, flat on his back staring at his ceiling. He was lucky that his room mate Sungmin had a schedule.It allowed him to wallow in his self acrimony undisturbed.He had endured a mighty frustrating two hours.Mainly  it was spent glaring at his mind for being so fickle and always intent on betraying him,whilst his subconscious would continuously retaliate with snide remarks about him being a coward and lacking honour.He wished his mind would be a little kinder to him and lamented the fact that his mind was immune to his glares.He was the Evil Maknae, God Dammit!! His mind should be obeying him, only to have it reply that ‘he’ wasn't really, it was just an extension of his mind, so technically his mind was the evil one.He had the urge to respond with a ‘Clearly’ but realized that would only add to the insanity he was encouraging.That settled it though.He officially hated his mind and would never have internal arguments ever again.His mind, the snide bastard, only sent thoughts indicating that it really wasn't in his control.He sighed physically now.He wondered if the world hated him? What had he done to deserve such treatment from his own consciousness? Only to hear a faint 'your cowardliness';from some where in the murky abyss.

He heard a faint knock on the door and then saw it open slightly.Yesung’s head stuck in a little, his eyes glancing around the room, then finally to Kyuhyun.He looked at him up and down , then finally asked

“Kyuhyun ah can I come in?” asked ever so softly that there was no possible way on earth Kyuhyun could refuse,even though he knew seeing Yesung now would only make the internal battle all that much worst.He did not respond verbally, just shaking his head, hoping that Yesung could see his movements.Apparently he did, because he then heard footsteps.

“Are you feeling okay?” once more that husky, soothing voice questioned beyond gently as he made his way over to Kyuhyun’s bed. Kyuhyun at this time had pulled himself up, to be sitting in a upright position, back against the head board. Yesung on approaching settled himself on the tiny expanse at the side of the bed, back against Kyuhyun’s outstretched legs, yet not touching him.Kyuhyun was glad for that mercy, but still too focused on the man's close proximity.He knew he needed to say something,before the other picked up on his, even more than usual awkwardness.

“I’m fine hyung” he responded, head bent, not wanting to meet Yesung's eyes, that were currently staring at him intently.

“What’s wrong Kyu ah? Are you feeling sick? Was your schedule hard? Did you not like your performance? Is something bothering you?” all directed at him in the most pleading voice.Clearly Yesung did not buy his earlier reassurance. He wanted to put the man's mind at ease but he knew Yesung would not believe him if he responded in the same way, so just choose to say silent, still refusing to meet Yesung's eyes.

“Tell me what's wrong Kyunnie….Please” Yesung’s voice begging and eyes probably even more desperate, Kyuhyun nearly flinched at the sound.He wanted to ease his mind but he really did not know what to say.He saw Yesung’s tiny fingers approaching his face, from under his eyelids and shifted his body slightly away from them.Yesung stopped mid way, just in a state of pause, then slowly retracted his hands,his head lowering to watch his hands return to his own lap.Kyuhyun,genuinely felt guilty in that moment.He did not want to hurt him, but he did not want his comfort, he did not want to feel the warmth of his hands, warmth that struck his soul but poisoned his mind.

“I am just so confused” Kyuhyun finally confessed, eyes still downcast.He knew his previous action probably hurt the man and whilst he did not really know what to say,he had to do something to atone for his sin.It was a sin in his mind; to hurt Yesung.He knew it was another tick in the evidence log of the Beast, but currently had more pressing matters at hand.

“ I am as well” Yesung responded solemnly.Kyuhyun knew Yesung understood what he meant before,but honestly he did not expect Yesung to admit it as well.It caused his head to snap up to look at Yesung,who at precisely that moment looked away. One finally wanted eye contact, the other finally deciding it was best to avoid it.

Kyuhyun knew that the promise made on that day,was made between the two of them.Yesung as well knew that something was changing,that something was different.For all he knew,Yesung also had a list that haunted him, that made his own mind his enemy.He supposed that he was just so caught up in his own mind that he forgot that Yesung had his own issues to work through.It angered him slightly though, that Yesung did not look as battered as he was, that he could still sit and smile and laugh.Worse,that he could still laugh with Siwon. A voice in his head immediately came to Yesung’s defence..’Of course you would’, he thought at  the voice.It argued in his mind, that perhaps Yesung was dealing with it in his own way and he was just better at hiding his conflicting emotions.Kyuhyun shook his head to clear that pointless internal debate.Yesung was speaking again and he really needed to catch every word and lock it away in his memory

“It’s confusing and frustrating, Kyuhyun. My mind is in a mess, but all we can do is deal with it in our own way.Whatever it is, it is not the end of the world.It can be nothing or just something different.Please Kyuhyunnie don't let it torture you…Please” Yesung said all this is a voice that was pleading yet distant at the same time,eyes never leaving the spot on the wall over Sungmin’s bed.Kyuhyun supposed he was thinking about his own struggles.Finally he turned to face Kyuhyun, looking him in the eye

“It will be okay  Baby Kyu” said with the warmest smile Kyuhyun had ever seen and that is saying something, considering he spent time with people like Sungmin and Donghae. Kyuhyun smiled at his words though.Yesung had not called him Baby Kyu is years,not since Kyuhyun threatened to harm some shelled friends of his,if that name was ever uttered again.This time though, it made him feel special rather than annoyed.With a last gentle look, Yesung stood up.

“Thank you hyung” said genuinely as he held on too Yesung’s hand as he stood up.Kyuhyun wished that Yesung could see how much this all meant to him, how much better it made it all.He had forgotten that he was not alone through this all.His mind had him in such circles that he forgot that Yesung was by his side.Really how hard could it be with Yesung near him, by his side, holding his hand?

Yesung just looked at Kyuhyun, then down to their hands then back to Kyuhyun’s face.He flashed him a brilliant smile and nodded at him. Kyuhyun could have sworn he heard a barely audible whispered, ‘Anything for you’ as Yesung left the room. Kyuhyun’s hands tingled from the touch, but he did not fear the Beast this time.He was ready.

With his mind set, he unleashed the Beast.'Do your worst' he silently challenged it.He pushed his body to be flat on his back and mentally opened the flood gates so to say.He would examine and analyze, would consider and dismiss,he would be meticulous he promised himself.That snarky demon, deep within, mocked him however.’This is not a Math question, you idiot’. That was it.These mental conversations had to cease.He would go insane if they continued.He was adamant that he would only allow the contents of the list to be put before him.

He did not have to wait long though.The first and most evident issue was pulled from the locked chest that he had it buried within.’Why do you think of him as yours?’ the question floated across his mind almost teasingly.He was going to settle that one once for all.Why did he really think about Yesung as his? Maybe he was just a possessive person.He often liked things to be owned by him, to have that feeling of ownership.The other side of his mind,quickly supplied that, it was only Yesung he seemed to wish to possess and Yesung was not an object, of which he knew full well.He scoffed at his arguing mental counterpart, but conceded the point.

It was different with Yesung, he knew that.Now that he was not denying, not hiding, not burying, he could admit at least just to himself that it was always different with Yesung.He always thought as the other hyungs as his, but in the sense that he was connected to them, that they were part of him, part of his family.With Yesung, he knew it was almost very possessive, very single minded.In his mind, Yesung was just his, someone that should always be with him, be in his presence, hold his hand, to be his one and only.Now that he thought about it, it was actually rather worrying.His thoughts indicated that he was quite possibly deranged.'Am I a stalker?’ he asked his consciousness, who only snidely remarked that he was an idiot.In his mind though, his thinking about Yesung was kinda stalkerish.Why did he wish for Yesung to be his though? Why did this possessive nature develop in response to Yesung?

He never behaved that way with the others.He never called them his in such a possessive manner.In all fairness, he always saw Yesung as someone different from the others.He never could identify what was so different , but it never was the same.He knew he loved him as a brother,he loved them all as brothers,that was certain.That did not help in determining why he thought as Yesung alone as his.This was complicated he decided.His head hurt and he had not even found an answer for the first question.How was he going to figure out the rest? That demon in his mind though, would not spare him.Bubbling deep from within, a voice floated across his mind filled with reprimand ‘You are pretending you don’t understand, deliberately avoiding the answer’. He wished to argue that he was not, but the pounding in his head resumed, as if saying that you are a coward.

He took a deep breathe and spread his body, titled his neck side to side.This mental arguing was causing him physical discomfort, but he refused to stop.He needed to get this out the way, to get his life back, to stop being so distracted.He was afraid.He would not pretend otherwise.He knew he might find things that would/could shock him.He truly feared and honestly wished to stop, but he knew that he couldn't.He had promised Yesung and himself that he would deal with this, that he would man up and face his fears, but that did not make it easier though.

He consoled himself that this exercise had not been fruitless so far.He could recognize and admit that Yesung was not just one of his hyungs.It is not that he was belittling the importance of the other hyungs, but just establishing that Yesung was special amongst them all.This could help explain his possessive attitude, he thought to himself.As Yesung was special, that made him want to possess him? Well possess, maybe was too strong a word.His mind firmly indicated to him that whilst he may currently sound deranged, he did not wish to possess Yesung in the physical sense.He just wanted to be special to Yesung as well, for Yesung to think of him as his, for Yesung to want to possess him as well. Quietly a question pierced his thoughts ‘why do you want him to feel that way?’ .Kyuhyun reasoned that he did not want to be the only crazy one, that he wanted Yesung to be crazier, only to feel as if some where deep inside something uttered the word ‘idiot’. Kyuhyun would have you know that being called an idiot repeatedly by your own conscience was no fun at all.

 He was now after being called out by his mind, that he did not just want Yesung to feel possessive over him, just because he wanted the weird man to be crazier than he was.After much prodding and pretence of ignorance from him,he was finally willing to admit that he just wanted to be special to Yesung as Yesung was special to him.What made Yesung special he knew he was going to be forced to consider, given that he had a drill sergeant for a consciousness.He now knew that being meticulous and organized in life could have negative consequences, if ever arguing with yourself.

Why was Yesung special? He thought of the man and saw many things flash before his mind.He had tiny hands that Kyuhyun found adorable and was probably slightly obsessed with.He mentioned them all the time and he never even knew why.The man was weird and random, kind,loyal and trustworthy.Honestly he could go on and on.Yesung was just special.He honestly did not know why.Whenever he thought of the lead singer, he always saw him as special.Maybe he was special because he was Yesung and Yesung was just special? He asked his mind and hoped it would accept his reasoning, because honestly he could never really describe what made Yesung so special.When he first joined the band Yesung was just another hyung, one he learned fairly quickly was very different.They weren't particularly close,but not exceptionally distant.As time went by he learnt from observation , that Yesung hyung was a weird one, with unique habits.Then one day weird became lovable, and just one became special.He did not know why Yesung was now special.He suspected that gradually he learnt to understand the man, the see beyond the surface,not to look at the act but the intention.He learned that different was special.

So far he was pleased that he was able to figure atleast some things out.The pounding head ache he had after warring with his himself atleast  produced result.His mind listed them for him.He knew know that Yesung was not just a hyung, but was very special, so much so that  felt possessive over him and wished that Yesung felt the same way.He also knew that there was no particular reason Yesung was special, just that  he was special because he was Yesung.Kyuhyun almost laughed at his mind.Is that what it called progress? It did not explain anything as far as he was concerned.It still did not know what any of that meant.As far as he knew ,it could just mean he was a crazy sesaeng fan that had stalking intentions and wanted to own his hyung. Those crazy fangirls, they better not even try! Now it was his mind’s turn to laugh.’Do you even hear yourself sometimes?’ it asked amused. Kyuhyun facepalmed.Where in God's name did that come from?That settled it.He had officially lost his mind.The constant arguing and conversations with his mind had not crossed the line, but the defence of his hyung against imagined crazed fangirls had done the trick.

His mind seemed to be in a mocking mood (whenever is it not?),teasingly proposing to him that he may have been partly right.He was confused with his own mind.What the hell was it trying to say.One word appeared in his central thoughts.Siwon!He hated his mind then and there.Did it seriously have to bring up that guy? He was already having a hard time.What did that skinship addicted,hyung stealing  guy have to do with anything? His mind did his very own, patented evil laugh.So there is where it came from.He was impressed.He always loved that laugh.He and Eunhyuk had lots of fun doing it whilst promoting with M, but that only lead him to remember how he often missed everyone back home, especially him. Seriously what was the point of this all?

His mind clarified for him, ‘why are you always so upset when Siwon hangs around him? Or better yet why does he make you so irrational?’ He knew that Beast would not leave that one alone.Flashes of that very afternoon flashed before his eyes.He wished he had temporary memory loss.That was oddly painful.He accepted that it was irrational,but honestly he just felt that way. He knew that Siwon and Yesung were close, but he still wished that they spent less time together.’Why?’ his subconsciousness asked him.He really couldn't explain it.He always felt as if Siwon was stealing Yesung away from him, that Siwon was going to be the one Yesung thought was special.That Yesung wanted to be near Siwon instead of him.It made him feel a bit of resentment towards the pious man.He knew though that he was overreacting.He did not need one of those snide comments from his mind to point it out.He knew that Siwon was just being Siwon and Yesung was just being his usual self.It was no secret that they were close.It was something he had known for years and honestly he really had to idea why he felt that way but he was willing to accept outright that it was not normal.

He supposed maybe it came from the possessive bit he felt for Yesung.Maybe he was just selfish and did not want to share what was his.Yesung was his, as far as he was concerned.Siwon could go find his own favourite hyung.They both had many hyungs.Siwon could quench his ever growing need for skinship with someone else.He should harass Donghae instead.Kyuhyun thought that sounded like a good idea.Donghae was tolerant and it would prevent him from feeling irrational dislike.

‘Is Yesung just your favourite hyung?’ the question appears once more from somewhere in the deep murky abyss.This he knew would not be easily answered. Yes, it was quite obvious that Yesung was his favourite hyung.He would not argue that point. The just part was a lot more difficult.He wanted to say yes but he knew before the thought was completed that mocking voice from deep within would point out his deceit, his cowardice.He knew that this was the truly loaded question.He was smart enough to know that all the analysis he had done and the splitting headache he had earned himself all lead to this point.He knew that Yesung was many things to him, just not exactly defined.He finally understood why Donghae would always say Eunhyuk was a person he could not describe in words.

Before his treacherous mind could even suggest it, he knew that it would point out the warmth he often felt by just a touch,by just a glance, that Yesung’s smile was enough to ease his burdens, to calm his soul.He knew that their silent understanding, their unspoken understanding, transcended the hyung/dongsaeng relationship.He could try to deny it but at this point he was just tired.Tired of fighting with his rather snarky, determined, uncontrolled mind.For the first time in his time with Super Junior, he truly felt sorry for inflicting his presence on them.If his actual conduct was anything like his mind, then they had his apologies and his good wishes.

He was willing to admit that the warmth was something entirely different.He could force his mind to accept his decision that everything else just proved that he was a psycho dongsaeng with stalking tendencies, that had awkward extremely hostile debates with his own mind, convinced that his mind was snarky and the devil incarnate.He did not think it would be a hard sell.He was at the point where he was willing to admit he was a crazy person.Hell! He really thought that he was a crazy person at this point.Who in the hell has full fledged arguments with their own mind? That was probably the definition of insanity.

He could not ignore the warmth though.He hoped that he could claim that Yesung’s body was just warm but that was laughable even to his own ears.The warmth he felt gave from deep within his heart and soul.Even the slightest touch gave him a different feeling, not just skin to skin reaction ,but a tingle that would course through his entire body.He was also well aware that it only occurred with Yesung.He had touched and been touched on the face or hands by all the members, yet it was never the same as Yesung.Sometimes they gave him warmth, but it was only skin deep.His heart never moved, he never felt it in his toes.Their smiles made him happy, but never shook his mind, and never eased all his burdens.He appreciated all their care, but he savoured Yesung’s attention.He was comfortable to just be by Yesung’s side.He felt as if the world was an infinitely better place, filled with care and that addicting warmth.He did not honestly know what all that meant but he was willing to admit to himself and the Beast ,that did not seem so beast like now, that Yesung was definitely not just a hyung, not just a favourite hyung.Yesung was infinitely more.He was just special.Really? How many times had he described him that way? Yet he just could not stop thinking about him, as his special Yesung hyung.

His subconscious seemed to be particularly kind now.The Beast within, was settling calmly, even the pounding in his head was significantly reduced.He feared though.He was certain it was a trap.It was like in those horror movies, when the air or the storm calms and the characters relax, then get beheaded, or like those shark movies where the unsuspecting bather is attacked despite calm waters and serene atmosphere.Great! Yesung turned him into a movie referencing freak.What made him watch so many movies with the weird man? Oh right….He liked spending time with him.The result being, his already awkward person ,is now a weird awkward person.ThanksYesung hyung!

He knew it was not finished.It had gotten this far and he was not going to stop now.It took mountains of courage and perhaps all his mental strength to get to this point.He was not going to stop now.He just feigned sleep, to finish this.Sungmin had called him to dinner, but he just closed his eyes, hoping he would not try to wake him.He heard Sungmin enter the room, but his Yesung hyung had held him back.He heard Yesung tell him that Kyuhyun was not feeling well and wanted to rest only.He wondered briefly why he was not disturbed at all.Normally when he said he was sick or tired, one or all of his hyungs came to check on him at various intervals.Yesung was probably responsible for the peace he had to ponder(What ponder? You mean have a freaky argument with your own subconscious), all his troubles.He was grateful once again to Yesung.He definitely could not survive his internal debate and trying to convince all of his overprotective hyungs that he was well. ‘See? This is why he is special’, he almost boasted to him mind.

Since he knew what it was not, the only thing to figure out now was what it was. Maybe its Love?,came the gentle suggestion from the far abyss that seemed white and pristine now, but still too distant to identity. No duh, he wanted to respond.Obviously he loved Yesung, just as he loved all his hyungs. The abyss, darkened to a mild grey now, this time the voice not that gentle ‘Not that type of love you idiot’. Kyuhyun was confused now, if not just love then did it mean romantic love?He actually laughed physically at that one.He was not the crazy one, his subconscious was.He then realized that was probably even worse and just wanted to cry for both their sakes.

He hoped his mind was being its snarky self but realized that his only guiding light in this all business of contemplation was being dead serious.Love? That was impossible.Yesung was a guy and a hyung.Far as he knew he did not swing that way, confirmed by the last time he borrowed  Eunhyuk hyung’s special magazines or the last bikini fashion show he saw. He,as far as he was aware never thought of Yesung in that way.He was aware that Yesung was handsome, but he never found him attractive in that way.He was just about to laugh mercilessly at his mind, he heard a faint ‘think about it’.

He admits that he did not know much about love.He had a few crushes and dated a bit ,but since he joined Super Junior, he had never really experienced  much in the way of romance.He had a few quite low key dates but nothing that ever developed into a relationship he could term love.He was lacking in that department surely.He did as his mind asked.He looked at his behaviour in comparison to a person that felt love.It was not easy, he really did not know much about genuine love.He looked at the warmth, the possessive nature, the feeling of him being special, his irrational reaction to Siwon and all the other evidence provided by his mind. 

He would have screamed from both shock and disbelief but he seemed to have lost his voice, his mind, his ability and all other faculties.His eyes wide as saucers, his mouth opened as if he was frozen mid scream,body rigid, with only one thought in his mind now

“Oh Holy God! I am in Love with Yesung hyung.What the hell am I gonna do now?

A/N: I'm on my fifth story in five days...yayy!! my five day anniversary :).Come on guys admit it,that's impressive right?Now that I am finished with my shameless boasting,which I apologize for,lets move on to the important stuff lol

This is a continuation of sorts to No Words Needed, but not really a squeal.I have this one shot series planned in my mind exploring the relationship. Wish me luck :) It is kinda awkward cuz he has to basically speak to him self, so please be forgiving, if its a little odd. Also I am not sure if the timeline is accurate, so allow creative discretion in that regard.I am still begging for comments here.Like I said, I am a writer for 5 days only.I need to know if I am doing this right :) Please Comment!you don't need to subscribe just comment okay? Thank you to all my readers (assuming ppl are reading this)!