A/N: This chapter is kind of complicated to write because I wanted to relay Doyoung's personality and the truth about the feelings he hides from himself for so long. He has so many walls but adjusted himself, simply adopting the things around him. More of because his reason is to survive. It may sound mean but Doyoung in this story is different from everyone. He is tough but could break easily.

I made it listening to sad songs. I wanted to feel his vulnerability and I hope I give it justice.

Thank you for reading. :)

-Min

Chapter 7

Days are quick to pass. Jaemin has been bombing Doyoung messages asking about his condition. He never leaves a day without calling or texting Doyoung asking if he has already eaten or taken his vitamins. Every day Doyoung's phone beeps and Jaemin is the recipient. 

From Jaemin

Hyung, make sure to eat your dinner. (´∀｀)♡

-End-

Doyoung sighs after reading the message from the younger member. He didn't expect Jaemin to be this clingy because they haven't spoken nor seen each other after the bathroom incident. Needless to say, the maknae is taking care of him on his own. It made Doyoung's heartthrob, the warmth of someone taking care of him, and the guilt feelings he kept to himself that sometimes haunting him at nights. 

The room is illuminated by a semi-dark blue light that Doyoung bought abroad. It is a small round-shaped Bluetooth speaker and a lamp. Doyoung uses it for his room to look solemn and cozy. The western music played in violin as Doyoung sober from the loneliness, worries, fear, and solitude he purposely shows. 

Doyoung tried himself to be bubbly and sassy, using his intelligence to gather the confidence he long lost after learning of his illness. Fans may think of him as strong and dependable, kudos to the members but in the long run... Doyoung is draining. The loveliness, smartness, and easy disposition always consume his mental and emotional feelings. He let himself be teased by the members and even if Doyoung felt the frustrations, he kept it alone and thought that it was also a memory he was collecting. He may speak his feelings to members like Taeyong, Johnny, and Yuta mostly to the older members but Doyoung can't trust himself that he won't break down the moment they know his secret. It's scary, bone-shivering, and pathetic of him to be someone full of confidence but the truth is, Doyoung is someone who is emotional, scared, lacks confidence, and easily gets hurt. He developed those while staying at the hospital, afraid that people will forget about him, and just remembered him as Doyoung, who is someone who has an incurable illness. Someone who is weak and lacks personality, someone who isn't him. 

The music continued to play and Doyoung stood up because it's time for his medicine. Dr. Jin already told him that his condition is getting better, though the aftermath can't compromise the medication needed to continue. Byul on the other hand didn't like the idea of side effects. She said that it isn't healthy at all and Doyoung looks like dying over and over again after drinking those pills. Dr. Jin was speechless but couldn't do anything about it. He made sure that it was safe and Doyoung's body just needed to get used to it. He can't change the prescription afraid that his body will react negatively. Byul sobs louder in Dr. Jin's office, Doyoung patted his cousin's small back and smiled at her. He was hurt that he made people around him sad, he never said it directly but Byul knows his cousin too well but can't help herself. He never pities Doyoung, that's the last thing she would feel to his brave cousin. But knowing that Doyoung felt pain in the process of healing made her tears flow in her cheeks. Sobbing won't help him but she wanted to cry for him. She doesn't like it when Doyoung keeps it to himself, acting strong when he is in pain. They settled it years ago and she misses the cry baby bunny with pale skin, red eyes, and floppy cheeks. She embraces those moments. Giving comfort as much as she can. Accepting their faith. But like everyone else, a twist happened and Byul got healed. She was happy, very happy, and that she prayed every night. Thankfully she was healed. Trying to ask for more and her prayers are always for Doyoung. 

--

"Hyung, Do we have schedules?" Doyoung asked Mr. Baek after waking him up. The speaker is no longer playing. The room is dark but Mr. Baek opened the window and the sun illuminated the room. 

"Yes. Practice." He said in a low tone. Mr. Baek's expression can't be read. Doyoung ignored it and raised himself to bed. Quickly went to the bathroom, took minutes to finish after drinking his medicines. 

The bathroom door opened and Doyoung flushed cheeks with red eyes appeared. Mr. Baek sighs but leaves the room, taking care of the diet food Dr. Jin told him. 

The members are noisy while eating. Like every morning, they greet each other and share funny gossip or memes made by fans. Taeyong hasn't contacted Doyoung for two weeks now. He became busy and the members including Doyoung could watch him sometimes on national TV. The company is selling them well and Doyoung is happy that his Hyung is doing fine. 

"Doyoungssi, Taeyong called me last night. He said that Baekhyung sunbaenim is taking care of him. He invited me to a game." Johnny mumbled before eating toasted bread. 

"I'm glad he's adjusting. He kept whining about it before he went to the US to promote." Doyoung smug look and cheeky eyes gather a laugh from the members. 

"Yeah! He keeps asking me to play with them. I sleep late because of that." Yuta said frown escaped from his face. 

"Lol, Mark is also whining because he misses the food in the dorm," Taeil said and smiled at them. 

"Hyung, Why do I have a feeling that I'm being left out?" Doyoung mumbled jokingly. He intended to make a joke like this and the members are used to it. 

"It's because you don't play games," Johnny said laughing. 

"We made a group chat and you're the only one who isn't a member." Jaehyun slips bread while talking. He sounded neutral but Doyoung was taken aback. 

"It doesn't matter though. Doyoung can't relate to games." Johnny said frown on his face but continued eating. 

"Well. You know me. I will just end up muting it." Doyoung defense, the wall is getting thicker and he can smell the concrete wall his brain created again. He's getting far away from them and Doyoung feels scared because of it. He didn't like to create a wall between the members. It only made him feel alone but after those remarks, his brain won't take it. His brain functions immediately to shield his heart. Giving orders to protect him. 

"You always do that Doie. Always ready to keep your distance." Taeil meets Doyoung's eyes. The warm breakfast changes in the blink of an eye. It's shivering on Doyoung skin. 

"I am not Hyung. Johnny hyung said you created a group chat without me. How do you expect me to react?" Taeil's eyes shook and the members were muted by the remarks made by Doyoung. 

"It's not like we intended to leave you out but we have an impression that you won't like it," Johnny mumbled, not sure if it sounded right in the ears. 

Doyoung almost laughed. The brick wall isn't easy to break, not for him to decide but he felt like water would flow if he pushed it more.

"I understand Hyung. I am not distancing myself. And I heard you right." Doyoung bit the bread with cheese, frowning because he couldn't taste it. 

"Doyoung. You know how much we love having you. But sometimes you act too far from us. You're here but the distance is so obvious." Taeil didn't back out. He knows that he is telling the truth but Doyoung is too smart for his own good. He will never admit it. 

"I love it too, Hyung. You know how much this group meant to me." Doyoung speaks with sincerity. They may feel guilty and shield themselves with excuses and that's only rational. No matter what they said, Doyoung knows that he helps them build it. He isn't open enough and those vulnerabilities will haunt them, not sure till when. 

"Okay, enough with this conversation. We can add you Doie, just say a word." Yuta suggests, his eyes meet with Doyoung and that earns a polite smile from the younger. 

"Doie, if you join the game make sure you wear your vest." Johnny teases, raising both eyebrows and a smirk escapes from his lips. 

"Taeil hyung loves me more than I thought." Doyoung jokes. He smiles, putting away his true intentions. 

"I always do. Believe it." Taeil said and wink at him. 

The breakfast ended without tensions. Haechan who got up has a confused look written on his face trying to figure out why his hyungs feel different. He joined them afterward. 

Doyoung felt comfortable after three weeks of taking the medicines. The effect isn't decreasing but he has adopted it now. Jaemin and Byul messaged him frequently and Doyoung felt warm every time they did. Accepting the care given directly to him. Selfish as may sound but he likes it. The impression of being remembered. 

One afternoon, the teacher was strict and made the members repeat steps in different forms. Doyoung felt exhausted, his sweat dripping from his neck to the center of his chest lower to his stomach. He breathed heavily and got dizzy.

"One more time! Come on!" The instructor shouted, the members looked tired, forgetting to check others and focused on their own. No one notices Doyoung's tiredness and paleness. The counting started. Doyoung is in the bridge of passing out but it is the same with the members. The practice is intense and it's been so long since they experienced this. Moving near to their limits.

"Excellent! Time for a break!" The members collapsed on the ground breathing slowly and heavily. 

Doyoung drinks water and quickly grabs a towel to put on his neck out of sweat. The members are silent trying to gain their normal breathing. 

Doyoung excuses himself and makes it to the toilet, his knees shaking because of exhaustion. It is never enough, the cold water from the faucet, the dizziness, blurriness, and the pain in his stomach. He didn't know what to do. He staggered while walking to the near cubicle. The sound of smack echoing at the toilet. Luckily, no one is inside aside from him. 

Tears swim down to his cheeks mocking him and reminding him how weak he was. His nose didn't bleed but his right thigh shakes and the pain is incredible. Doyoung moaned and gritted his teeth. Afraid that someone will check on him. He touches his pocket and curses when his phone isn't inside. He remembered putting it in his bag but because he quickly teleported to the toilet he forgot to grab it. He can't call Hyung manager. Doyoung bit his lip as hard as his frustration consumed him. He is so pathetic. 

Burning his feelings, a knock outside the cubicle stops Doyoung from thinking. His heart started to beat louder. He forgot the pain in his right thigh. He muted his voice, afraid to be discovered. 

"Hyung?"