hung up

hung up

Sungjin rings the doorbell installed by the doorframe and steps back as he waited for the door to open. He fiddles with his keys in his right hand, left hand in his jeans' pocket while he looks at his shoes. It was Monday, eight in the morning and he always has this wash of guilt whenever he stands in front of this familiar door. He was on his weekly routine of picking up Dowoon from his ex's house since they had agreed that he'd had him on weekdays and back to Younghyun on weekends.

With Younghyun's career as a songwriter, he rarely has free time, moreover with him getting requests for collaborations from several famous artists. So whenever it was weekends, he clears his schedule to hang out with Dowoon all day. The kid was more than ecstatic to spend time with him. Ever since his parents started having conflicts, he longed for them to be together again, to spend time with each other again, enjoy each other's presence.

It all escalated when their conflicts got to their peak. Sungjin had dropped off Dowoon at his grandparents' house to say for that night and when Sungjin came back, the house was filled with yelling. Neither of them even know what started it all, but neither of them was listening to the other, too, their voices louder than the other.

Sungjin knew they were having a fall-out. Since Younghyun started receiving collaboration requests, he had gotten distant from him. They started drifting apart until Sungjin can no longer feel anything. He had never seen Younghyun's smile then. His eyes only brighten up whenever he sees Dowoon. Still, Sungjin stayed because he was hoping it was just stress and Younghyun's gonna get back to him when he gets through it.

It took him too long and that was when Sungjin decided to approach him and help. But Younghyun deflected all his attempts. Sungjin still tried and understood him. But that was when the conflicts started. Apparently, Sungjin's attempts pissed Younghyun and distracted him, saying it was giving him more stress than the e-mails of requests he was receiving. Sungjin backed it off then.

He tried it again after a couple of weeks when he thought Younghyun had cooled down. That was when the conflicts started to get worse. Dowoon would always be in his room, scared. He'd tried to call his best friend, Wonpil, and talk to him to distract himself but his parents really were singers and have a wide vocal range. The next thing he knew, Sungjin was bursting through his door, telling him to pack his things and that he would be staying with his grandparents', Sungjin's parents, for a while.

Dowoon had cried to his grandparents as soon as Sungjin had left to go back to their house. His father reminded Sungjin to take it easy and be careful while he was driving and thankfully, he got back safe. Sungjin had slept in his parents’ house that night. The following days, he was just going to their house to get his things, deciding to stay over at his parents.

That's when Dowoon knows one of his nightmares had come true. He once dreamt of his family falling apart but he never told either of his parents. So as he lied down that first night at his room in his grandparents' house, he blamed himself. He was wondering what could have happened if he told his parents about that nightmare. Would it have helped in fixing their falling relationship at that time? Could he have been the one to save the relationship if he had just told them?

His grandparents eventually managed to squeeze it out of him the third time he came back to the house. He cried again that night. Sungjin had no idea. His grandparents reassured him that it wasn't his fault, that they understand that he was scared and that was valid. Still, Dowoon couldn't help but think it could have gone better if he just spoke up and told his parents about it.

Before they settled on breaking it off, Younghyun had made it clear to Sungjin that he feels nothing anymore, the love wasn't there anymore. Sungjin had, in all these six months that he and Younghyun had been apart, wondered if he still loved him. And it always boils down to — no, not anymore. He wondered why the feelings disappeared. They were so strong before, that he never imagined they'd be in this situation.

In a relationship, where different people hold each end of the line, there really is no way of telling what's going to happen. Both sides need to work to get the relationship together. Sungjin thought they were strong, and going stronger. But he was wrong. And now, here he is, standing in front of the house they previously shared, picking up their son so he could stay with him over the weekdays.

Dowoon was fine even if he had to go back and forth. As long he gets to be with his parents, he was fine. But he still wants them to get back together, of course, that won't hurt. He was still hoping, he will always be hoping that their family could be fixed, and stay that way.

The door opens, revealing Younghyun who looks like he still hasn't gotten any sleep. This is why Sungjin hates these moments. He knows how much of a sleeper Younghyun is but he gets up to send Dowoon off to him. Of course, even after they've decided to break it off, they still love Dowoon. Sungjin nods at him a little while Younghyun ran his hand through his hair in an attempt of fixing it.

Younghyun nods back before turning back, "Dowoon-ah? Are you ready yet?"

"Yes, Appa! Wait a sec!" they heard the boy's deep voice call back from his room.

Younghyun leaned at the doorframe with his arm and his head on it. His eyes closed then as he still feels the tiredness to his bones, and it seeps out of him, embracing Sungjin. And Sungjin feels the guilt lay heavy on him. Sungjin averts his eyes to the family portrait they have framed up on the wall above the mantelpiece. Younghyun had put it up back. The first time Sungjin came back to drop off Dowoon, it was taken down.

Dowoon pads down the hallway to his room and arrives at the door, poking his father softly on the shoulder, "Appa?"

Younghyun stands up straight and takes Dowoon's head, nuzzling his face to his hair, "Bye, Dowoon-ah. I'll see you next weekend."

"Bye, Appa. I'm looking forward to it. Please get a lot of rest," Dowoon says.

Sungjin, for the first time since they had lived apart, sees a small smile on Younghyun, albeit just a glance because Younghyun was still hiding his face on their kid's head.

"I will, thank you. I love you," Younghyun mutters.

"I love you too, Appa," Dowoon smiles happily and then greets Sungjin.

Sungjin smiled at the boy and messes his hair, to which Dowoon clicked his tongue, annoyed since he just fixed it before leaving his room. Sungjin grins, "Go wait in the car, Dowoon-ah."

"Okay," Dowoon walks off to the sidewalk where Sungjin had parked his car.

He watched him enter the passenger seat before he looked back at Younghyun who was once again leaning to the doorframe. He contemplates but decides, if he didn't do this now, he won't ever do it. So he took the risk and calms himself, thinks of Dowoon's smile.

"Younghyun — " the name tastes so bitter in his mouth. He was used to calling the other Kang Bra but he decided he would stop since they fell apart.

Younghyun hums, peeling his eyes open to look at him and stand up straight.

"I'm sorry, but I'm wondering — " Sungjin took a deep breath, " — What happened to us?"

Sungjin hopes Younghyun was awake enough to understand him. Younghyun only blinked.

"Why — Why did we fell apart? Where did everything go — " Sungjin paused and his lips, " — Where did your love for me go?"

"God, hyung — " Younghyun sighs, closing his eyes for a moment.

"Was there a third party?" Sungjin mutters.

"What third party are you talking about? Do you think I would have a third party? Who would be better than you?" Younghyun raised a brow at him.

"So then why did we end? If I was the best, what was the reason? Was it the stress? Was I not there for you enough? What caused those problems? Did I not love you enough? Was I the reason?" Sungjin paused again when Younghyun narrowed his eyes at him.

"I just said nothing's better than you. Why are you still including yourself in the possible reasons?" Younghyun says.

Sungjin took a deep breath to keep his cool, "So what? Why is there no more us? Was it the requests?"

Younghyun looks away at that. Sungjin repeats it.

"It was the collaboration requests?" Sungjin blinks.

Younghyun sighed again and looks back at him, "Hyung, you know I never had any serious problems with songwriting."

Sungjin nods. He knows that very well. Younghyun can make up lyrics on the spot and sing. All he needs is music for the melody, and Sungjin provides that with his guitar, which, he remembers, he still hadn't gotten back from their shared bedroom.

"I had no problem with the collaboration requests. I wasn't stressing out on that. Well, maybe how I would be able to answer them one by one and schedule a meeting with them, but that was all," Younghyun says. "My problem was the songs I'm writing."

Sungjin furrowed his brows and tilted his head. And he sees Younghyun's eyes glisten as his face was hit by the morning sun. He looks up before holding up a finger.

"Wait a sec," he says before turning around.

Sungjin waits. Younghyun knows how Sungjin hates it when he cries. And until now, he's being considerate, or he probably just didn't want Sungjin to see him cry. Well, whatever the reason, Sungjin waits. Younghyun wipes at his eyes and turns back around while clearing his throat and blinking a couple of times to get rid of the tears still coming up.

He sniffs and takes a deep breath before looking at Sungjin and smiling bittersweetly, "During the time we were together, I was the happiest. I couldn't ask for anything more than you and Dowoon. I — I loved you so much that I was so scared of losing you. And I needed to let out those thoughts so I wrote them as lyrics. I kept on worrying about it and so I kept on writing. And it frustrated me because I still couldn't get the thought out of my head.

"I was so hung up on the idea of us breaking apart that I didn't realize we were on that way, that we were going that path, and not with a slow pace. I was so scared to lose you that I kept on thinking about it and didn't realize that I was losing you for real in the process. I started to get agitated and stressed out. We started to fight. A lot. And I knew one of us will eventually get tired of it.

"I — I lost my love for you and fell in love with songwriting. I got caught up in the possibilities of us breaking up that I never got out of it. And now I'm living it. And I still am not getting out. And I am still trying to get out of it by writing it on a piece of paper and giving it to someone to voice out my thoughts because I'm too scared to voice it out to you."

It all comes down to Sungjin and he felt his shoulders get heavy. He stared tearfully at his ex-partner and took deep breaths to keep himself together. He blinks and with a finger, he catches the tear that escaped his eye. Then he nods in understanding. He exhales and looks back up at Younghyun who just stared at him.

"If — You know, I — But — " Sungjin didn't even know where to start.

He's already here. He's been thinking about this too, he can't let this chance slip away. No, he won't let it. He can't get nervous and tongue-tied now. So he gathers his everything and lets his tears fall, to hell with it. He bites down on his lip and silently begs Younghyun with his eyes to not leave yet and to wait for him. Not that Younghyun would leave him again.

"Younghyun," Sungjin calls ever so softly, so brokenly.

And for the nth time since they had started fighting, Younghyun's heart breaks. Sungjin still means a lot to him. And he feels all the feelings come back to him — the feelings he thought he had thrown away for the sake of songwriting. He hadn't thrown it away, he had it buried deep in him, stowed away in a little box all this time. And now it was wreaking havoc in him, running wild in his heart and head. Sungjin sobs and Younghyun felt his breath gets taken away.

He didn't know the same thing was happening to Sungjin. He didn't know the escaped sob was the result of his own feelings bursting back in his chest, reaching his mind, and messing with what he wants to say even more than it already was. Sungjin's hand comes up to cover one side of his face as he bites down on his lip, eyes closing to once again tell himself to get a grip. He tried calming his feelings and ran a hand through his hair before speaking again.

"Younghyun, can we — can we try again?" Sungjin croaks out.

It took everything in Younghyun to not grin and tackling Sungjin, taking him in his arms and instantly say yes. He waits for the rest.

"I'm willing to risk it all. Are you?" Sungjin says, his throat closing up and squeezing more tears. "Let's try it all again. Let's get it all back together. For you, for me, for us. For Dowoon. Let's be a family again. Happier, healthier, stronger. Together."

And Younghyun lets his everything go, letting himself release the grin he's been holding back, and the urge to make him move involuntarily. He embraces Sungjin, and he instantly felt arms snake around his waist, circling it tightly and holding him secure against the older.

"You pulled me out of the dream, I'll stay awake this time. I'll speak, I'll talk to you more instead of just writing it down. I'll always try it with you, I'll always risk it with you. I'll stay in reality — with you, with Dowoon. All of us. Together," Younghyun wetly whispers to his ear, still crying.

He felt the arms around him tighten even more, but not enough to hurt him. And he smiles against Sungjin's neck. Sungjin burrows his face to his neck as well, breathing his scent in and smiling as he does. He swayed them side to side and Younghyn relaxed in Sungjin's arms, finally feeling like he was back home where it was warm and cozy. He always felt like that in Sungjin's arms.

Sungjin places a soft kiss on Younghyun's neck before picking his head up and putting his chin on his shoulder. His other hand came up to keep Younghyun's head on his shoulder. He sighs in content happily as he lets his fingers fiddle with Younghyun's hair.

"Kang Bra, I love you — "

"I love you too," and Younghyun was crying again.

They felt another pair of arms embrace them together from their side, "I love you both too and I am happy you're back together, but you couldn't have called me to go back?"

Both parents grinned, letting the other go and taking Dowoon into a three-way embrace.

"We love you too," Younghyun whispers to him, patting his head.

"I was burning out there! We cannot get a dog anymore if you even let me sit out there in the heat!" Dowoon continues complaining.

Sungjin sighed, eyes rolling, but he has a soft smile on his face. He pulls back and looks at the still cutely fuming Dowoon, fondness filling his eyes. And Younghyun wonders, why ever did he think they were going to break up before? Sure, it already happened but if he didn't think about that, or if he voiced it out to Sungjin, they wouldn't have separated in the first place.

"Oh, just go back in the car," Sungjin cuts off Dowoon's complaining.

"What? Why? You're still leaving? I thought we're going to try it all again?" Younghyun whines.

"We are, but the rest of our stuff is in my parents' house," Sungjin says.

Younghyun pouts, "Oh, that's right. Okay. I guess I'll see you both this weekend, maybe?"

Dowoon was typing furiously on his phone, probably ranting off to Wonpil. Sungjin stares loving at Younghyun, smiling. He sighs.

"Dowoon, get back in your room," Sungjin taps the boy on his back.

"Where is it, really? The car or my room?" Dowoon says.

Sungjin's smile disappears and a scowl replaces it. Dowoon giggles cutely and hugs him and Younghyun before apologizing and going into the house.

"I love you, Appa, Abeoji!" Dowoon shouts.

"You're moving back in, right?" blinks Younghyun and smiles when Sungjin nodded.

"Yah, Kang Bra," Sungjin calls softly again, hand grabbing Younghyun's tenderly. "Go back to sleep. I'll go home and tell my parents. I'll be back tomorrow."

"Can't you stay? You look tired, too," Younghyun frowns.

Sungjin looks at him hopelessly and grins when he feels his feelings get stronger. Yep, definitely stronger.

"Alright, I'll just give them a call and go back tomorrow," Sungjin giggles boyishly when Younghyun bounced a bit.

He enters the house and lets Younghyun pull him to their bedroom. But not before checking in on Dowoon. They frown when they see him crying as he lied down on his bed.

"Dowoon-ah?" Sungjin calls warily as they approached him.

"I had a dream," he says, Sungjin and Younghyun looked at each other. "I dreamt of you breaking up even before it happened. Please don't let it happen again. Please. I love you both, please don't — "

"Dowoon-ah, Dowoon-ah," Younghyun shushes. "It won't happen again. I already experienced it, we already experienced it. I'm sure I won't let it happen again. I'm not letting us go through it again."

Sungjin realizes Younghyun was blaming himself. And he decides he'll settle their faults and differences later. After calming Dowoon down and waiting for him to go to sleep, Younghyun again leads him to their bedroom. They lie down, Sungjin letting Younghyun snuggle to him and puts an arm around his waist.

"Kang Bra," he starts. "It's not your fault only, okay? I'm at fault too, for not trying harder to fight for us. So don't blame yourself. Don't take it all on yourself. Let me take my fault, too," Sungjin mumbles.

Younghyun knows nothing will come out of arguing with Sungjin about that so he just hums, nodding. Sungjin was always strict with him, telling him to go easy on himself and made him realize that he can't control everything. Younghyun remembers Sungjin telling him to take things slower and live at the moment.

He looks up at the older and Sungjin looks down at him with a smile. Sungjin gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead and Younghyun felt his face burn, all his feelings coming back again, but stronger.

--

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