I want a different brother…

            Donghae sat in the car just outside his high school, an annoyed expression on his face as he looked to his older step brother, Hyukjae. To anyone else, the other man in the driver’s seat was merely flailing his hands around, with a wide smile on his face as he looked at Donghae; but, to Donghae and anyone else that knew Hyukjae, the other male wasn’t just flailing about. He was making signals with his hands, signing away his words rather than speaking them. Hyukjae was born a mute, and this was the only way he could talk, but many didn’t understand that.

            Hyukjae was Donghae’s only living family left, even if they were only related by the marriage of their late parents, and he hated it. He hated having a mute for a brother, more than almost anything. He hated getting bullied everyday just because his brother was mute, he hated not having any friends because of it, and he hated having to explain to people what his brother was ‘saying’.

            So, here he sat, in the car while his brother signed away with his usual bright, gummy smile on his face, scowling at the older annoyedly.

            ‘Have a nice day, and study hard.’

            Donghae knew that was what Hyukjae was signing to him, and even though the signals were so sincere, and he knew Hyukjae really did care about him, he couldn’t help but hate his brother more and more for the signals. His eyes flickered to the outside of the car, and his heart clenched slightly when he saw kids were already looking to the car and laughing, just like every other day.

            Sighing, Donghae turned to his car door and opened it. Stepping out, he never even looked back to Hyukjae, not even wanting to face the older. Not even sparing a single glance, a word, or a smile; he merely closed the car door harshly behind him and slowly walked towards the school building, preparing himself for whatever bullying he’d face today.

            I want an older brother that’s just like everyone else’s…

            “Hey Donghae.”

            Donghae looked up from his lunch, feeling someone touch his back; when he looked up, he saw some random face of someone he never cared to know. The other boy’s smile seemed sincere, but Donghae knew better when he had felt the other touch his back. Giving the other boy a fake smile, he waited until the other boy had turned away before he reached a hand back and felt the back of his shirt. His eyes darkened on the other boy when his fingertips brushed across a piece of paper that had been taped to his back.

            Ripping the paper from his back, Donghae brought the sign that had been taped to him to his face, and he gritted his teeth in anger as he read the words.

            “The stupid boy’s brother.”

            It wasn’t right. Donghae knew Hyukjae was smarter than anyone in this school, but just because Hyukjae couldn’t speak, everyone else didn’t care to know how smart the other boy was. Just because he couldn’t use his words, apparently made him stupid, and even though Donghae knew he shouldn’t blame Hyukjae, because really the other boy couldn’t help how he was born, he blamed him anyway. He was being mocked and made fun of just because of the other’s condition, and even though he shouldn’t see it as the other’s fault, he couldn’t help but do so.

            So, Donghae promptly crumpled the piece of paper viciously, tears of anger and hatred burning his eyes as he stood up and stomped out of the cafeteria, going outside to look for the boy who had put this sign on him.

            Finally, upon going outside, Donghae spotted him. The other boy turned and looked at him, before smirking smugly, making Donghae all the more agitated. Donghae stomped forward towards the boy, the paper clutched in his fist. Reaching the other boy, he promptly threw the paper in his face.

            “Yah! You think this is funny?!” Donghae screamed, shoving the other boy backwards.

            “Apparently I do,” the other boy said back in a smug tone, looking at Donghae with hate filled eyes, “Your brother’s so stupid, so you must be too, huh?”

            That was the breaking point; no one called Hyukjae stupid and got away with it. Only Donghae was permitted to talk about his brother, no one else. Donghae raised his fist and punched the other boy square in the face. More punches between the two were thrown, and soon they were rolling around on the ground and a crowd had gathered to watch the fight. This was just another day, so similar to the other days, and Donghae was getting sick of it.

            I want a brother that can use his voice…

            Donghae was on classroom clean up duty, and everyone knew it too. He wasn’t looking forward to it, because he knew someone was bound to do something to mock him. And, stepping into the empty classroom, Donghae looked to the blackboard and bit his lip, dropping his backpack to the floor. Sure enough, he was right; someone had written more hateful words on the blackboard, directed solely towards him and Hyukjae.

             “Your brother’s a freak.”

            Letting out a shaky sigh, Donghae strode towards the blackboard, anger and irritation building up in his chest as he picked up one of the erasers. Slowly, he started erasing the hateful words, but as he erased them, the pressure he used on the eraser grew more and more. Tears built up in his eyes as he looked down the floor, harshly erasing the words as choked sobs left his mouth.

            He knew he shouldn’t, but he hated Hyukjae. He hated him for putting him through all of this. He never asked to have a mute brother, it’s just what was given to him. Hyukjae was all he had left in his family, and he hated the fate he had been placed with.

            I just want a different brother…

            Donghae smiled brightly as he walked home late that night, the young man walking beside him smiling back at him. The other boy was named Siwon, and he was the only person that never once picked on Donghae, but there was a reason for that. Siwon didn’t know about Hyukjae, and Donghae wanted to keep it that way. But, he was growing nervous as they walked and talked together towards his home; Siwon was a nice boy, and had promptly insisted on walking Donghae home, which meant Siwon might see Hyukjae.

            It was really late, and Donghae knew Hyukjae was bound to be upset with him for coming home late, but he didn’t care at the moment. He cared about having his first friend that was oblivious to Donghae’s family situation, and he cared about actually enjoying his life at the moment rather than hating it; the last thing he cared about was the time.

            But, as they arrived in front of Donghae’s small house, Donghae nervously glanced at the front door, making sure Hyukjae wasn’t waiting for him outside. He sighed in relief when he didn’t see the other outside, but his attention was brought back to Siwon as the other spoke, “I’ll see you tomorrow at school, okay?”

            “Ah, y-yeah,” Donghae said, smiling nervously at Siwon before jumping and his eyes widening when he heard the front door of his house open up abruptly.

            Snapping his head back to his house, and Siwon looking to the doorway as well, they both saw a glaring and scowling Hyukjae. Donghae sighed shakily and muttered to Siwon, “Bye, Siwon.”

            Siwon opened his mouth to respond, but furrowed his eyebrows when he saw Hyukjae promptly signing away with his hands, all while glaring at Donghae.

            “Yeah, yeah, I get it, Hyukjae. Just stop,” Donghae snapped, walking forward into his house.

            Siwon looked at the doorway, watching Donghae begrudgingly enter the house. Hyukjae scowled at Siwon before slamming the door shut, and Siwon blinked a couple of times before walking away, going home as well.

            When Donghae had entered his house, he didn’t even look at Hyukjae as he set his backpack down on the couch, rummaging around in it for his homework. He could see the frantic movements of Hyukjae’s hands out of the corner of his eyes, but he didn’t care. One night, that was all he wanted; just one night to be normal. Have a normal night with a friend, and not have to worry about being judged with who was waiting at home for him.

            Hyukjae’s glare at the younger intensified, seeing he wasn’t paying attention. So, Hyukjae strode forward and grabbed Donghae’s arm in an effort to get the other’s attention; it wasn’t that he was necessarily mad that Donghae was spending time with friends. As a matter of fact, he was more than happy about it; Donghae had a hard time making friends, so it was good to see him with someone else. But, he was upset that he was left here at home, worrying. Not even a text was sent to him by the younger about where he was, whom he was with, or anything. Hyukjae had been up for hours worrying constantly about where the younger boy was, and that irritated him.

            When Hyukjae had grabbed Donghae’s arm, the other immediately stood up and tore his arm away from Hyukjae’s hold, glaring at the older hatefully.

            “What?! I’m home and I’m fine. You don’t have to be pissed,” Donghae snapped, glaring still as Hyukjae signed back a response.

            ‘I don’t care. I was worried about you. You could have been dead for all I knew. You could have at least texted me.’

            “I told you, I’m fine, so stop freaking out. I’m old enough to take care of myself, Hyukjae,” Donghae snapped out, before going back to rummaging around in his backpack, promptly muttering to himself under his breath, “You’re not even my real brother, so quit acting like it.”

            Donghae didn’t look back up to Hyukjae, not caring to see the other’s expression. He merely grabbed his books before going upstairs to his room. Hyukjae stood there, looking up sorrowfully towards Donghae’s room. It broke his heart to hear those words, more than Donghae even realized. Tears welled up in Hyukjae’s eyes as he lowered his gaze to the floor, biting his lip. It wasn’t his fault that he loved and cared about Donghae, but he didn’t know why the other male hated him so much lately. No matter what, Hyukjae had promised himself after their parents’ death that he would take care of Donghae and try to make him happy, and it hurt to realize that he was failing at even doing something as simple as that.

            I want a brother that can speak and know what I want…

            That next day, Donghae didn’t go to school, and he didn’t bother telling Hyukjae that he was skipping. Siwon hadn’t spoken to him since the other night, and it pissed him off that his brother’s condition had once again warded off any chance of a possible friendship. So, that day, he went out after promptly telling Hyukjae he was going to school, but he never stepped onto school grounds. Instead, he aimlessly walked around, wallowing in his own anger and irritation, not even caring what the date was.

            Hyukjae, however, knew the date, and he was somewhat excited. It was Donghae’s 17^thbirthday today, and he was happy about it. He wanted to prove to Donghae that even though they weren’t blood related, he loved him like a real younger brother. He had saved up all of his extra money from his busboy job at the local diner, and even though he didn’t have much left over after house payments and whatnot, Hyukjae was determined to make this day as special as he could.

            Ever since their parents had died, Donghae’s been acting strange, and Hyukjae didn’t know why. They never really talked much anymore, and that really did hurt Hyukjae, but at the same time, he knew to give the younger some space. He was only two years older than Donghae, so he knew the importance of giving a teenager their space. But today, he wanted Donghae to know just how important he was in Hyukjae’s life, and he hoped it would help Donghae get over his recent depression.

            So, that entire day, he went out and bought the best cake he could afford. He remembered the exact kind Donghae liked, and he made sure it was perfect. When he got home, Hyukjae promptly made sure to hide the cake from Donghae’s view, knowing the younger would probably be home later on in the evening. He didn’t have enough for an actual present, so he decided on something else he could do. Hyukjae took a small piece of paper, and a pen, and started writing. He knew that he wasn’t the best older brother, but maybe, if he could tell Donghae just how much the younger meant to him, it would a good enough present.

            Donghae was still completely oblivious to the date, as he had stopped caring about his birthday long ago. He was still aimlessly wandering around their small town, his eyes completely void of any emotion. He had come to a decision on what he was going to do that night, and he was mentally preparing for it. Donghae couldn’t live like this anymore; he didn’t want to live with the bullying, the suffering, the annoyance with his only family member he had left…he couldn’t live with it anymore. That night, he was going to end it all, and he was finally going to be free.

            I want a brother that can understand how I feel…

            When Donghae had arrived home later that evening, Hyukjae had done a good job at pretending to be oblivious of what the date was. Donghae had entered the house and immediately went up the stairs to his room, and as soon as the door shut, Hyukjae immediately went to work.

            He took the cake out of the fridge, and put the only candles they had in their house in it. A smile was playing on his lips the entire time as he prepared for the younger to come back down stairs eventually for dinner. Hyukjae brought the cake to their small table, and sat down with the note he had written in his hands. A smile was still playing on his lips as he sat there and waited in the silence he had grown accustomed to.

            But, after a while of waiting, Hyukjae suddenly jumped in his seat when a loud thud was heard from upstairs; his eyes widened and he stood up from his chair, realizing that the sound had come from Donghae’s room. He shoved the paper in his pocket and hastily ran up the stairs, panicking that the other had gotten hurt or something.

            When he reached the other’s door, he knocked against the wood loudly, his breathing was quickening with each second of silence he received. Hearing nothing from Donghae, Hyukjae immediately barged into the room. As soon as he entered, his eyes widened as he looked to the floor; his breathing hitched in his throat as he stared down at Donghae’s form. Tears welled up in his eyes as he immediately went to the other’s side, lifting the other’s body and letting the tears fall. Donghae’s arms and wrists were leaking blood everywhere from the deep cuts adorning his skin, and the other was barely even breathing from the blood loss, his heart slowing down with each bit of blood that came from his self inflicted wounds.

            Hyukjae didn’t know what to do; he couldn’t call the hospital, because he couldn’t speak. He couldn’t call for help, or anyone for that matter. So, he did the only thing he knew he could; he picked up Donghae’s bleeding form, and ran out of the room and down the stairs. He raced out of the house, and ran to his car fast as he could, tears falling from his eyes as he tried to hurry. It was a race against time for Donghae’s life, and the latter was losing.

            I want a brother that no one will make fun of me for…

            Hyukjae was crying, strange noises emitting from his throat that were meant to be sobs as the doctors tried to calm him down. His clothes were stained with Donghae’s blood, and the latter had been immediately rushed into surgery. He was trying to sign to the doctors, trying to beg for them to save his younger brother’s life, but no one could understand what he was trying to say.

            His breath was panicky and short as he looked around, the doctors trying to talk to him as they didn’t understand that he couldn’t speak. Hyukjae’s eyes flew to a pen and some random paper on the front desk, and he immediately went over to it. Picking up the pen, he frantically started writing; the characters were messy in his haste and inability to see clearly through his tear filled eyes, but they were still legible.

            The doctors went over to him, trying to stop him from writing on the paper, but he didn’t pull away. He then lifted the paper and held it to the doctor’s face so the doctor could read it.

            ‘I’m a mute, and I can’t speak. But please save his life. He’s all I have.’

            “Sir, we’ll do everything we can,” the doctor spoke, looking at Hyukjae’s sobbing form sympathetically, “But…it might be very expensive, depending on what needs to be done.”

            Hyukjae slammed the paper back down onto the counter and frantically wrote more words before lifting it up to the doctor’s face.

            ‘I don’t care. I have some money saved up still, and I have a house and a car, you can take it all. Please, just make him live. You can’t let him die, I’ll do anything.’

            The doctor continued to look at Hyukjae sadly as he saw the other in hysterics. Hyukjae was looking down the hallway, and the doctor and nurse had to stop him from going down the hallway as Donghae’s form rolled away on the stretcher. Various nurses were crowded around Donghae’s pale and bleeding body, trying to pump oxygen into his mouth through a mask as they wheeled him down to another room.

            Hyukjae collapsed to the floor, sobbing and shaking. He couldn’t live like this with Donghae gone. The other male was still so young, and he had so much promise. Donghae was smart, and extremely good looking; the other boy could have a beautiful family someday. Donghae was strong, and had been the only thing giving Hyukjae strength since their parents’ passing. If Donghae died…then Hyukjae would have no one else to keep him alive too. Hyukjae’s sobs continued to shake through his body as memories flashed through his mind, and he clenched his fists; he couldn’t let Donghae die, not like this.

            ‘You need to eat more, you can still get taller.’

            Hyukjae signed to Donghae as they sat at their small table and ate their small meal. Donghae just stared at him with that same stone gaze before rolling his eyes, “Fine, but only because I can still get taller than you.”

            Hyukjae just grinned triumphantly as Donghae shoved more rice into his mouth, and the younger just offered a small smile back.

            ‘Study hard, so you can get into a good college.’

            Hyukjae signed with a smile as he dropped Donghae off at his high school as usual. Donghae just sighed and nodded reluctantly, muttering, “Like I have a choice. Someone has to bring in more income at some point.”

            ‘I’m sorry,’ Hyukjae signed, looking at the other apologetically, ‘I can’t really get a better job, though.’

            “Yeah, yeah,” Donghae sighed, opening the door and exiting the vehicle, “See you at home.”

            “You work so hard, Hyuk,” Yesung, his boss at the local diner, said with a smile.

            Hyukjae looked up and smiled brightly at Yesung and signed slowly so the other would understand, ‘I have to make sure Donghae has a good life. All we have is each other now.’

            Yesung just smiled softly and looked at Hyukjae admirably, “Donghae should be proud to have an older brother like you. Most older step brother’s just abandon their step siblings if their parents die.”

            ‘I could never do that to Donghae,’ Hyukjae signed, a smile on his lips still, ‘I love the kid more than anything.’

            As Hyukjae sat and looked at the cake he had picked up for Donghae, he smiled as he read the words he had the bakers put onto the icing.

            ‘Happy birthday, and stay strong.’

            A choked sob left Hyukjae’s lips as he heard all of the panic going on around him. He heard them all saying Donghae needed a blood transfusion, or else he was going to die. But, they didn’t have the right blood type for Donghae, and they were all panicking.

            “Sir,” the doctor said, making Hyukjae look up at him with tear filled eyes, “We…we can’t save him. We don’t have any blood in the blood bank that’s his type…I’m so sorry.”

            Hyukjae frantically shook his head, standing up and grabbing the paper once more, he let more tears fall from his eyes as he wrote on the paper. He knew what he had to do; he couldn’t let Donghae die, not like this. The younger boy had to live, no matter the cost. Donghae was perfect in every way, had such a bright future, and Hyukjae didn’t. Donghae was strong, and could take care of himself with no problem, but Hyukjae couldn’t. Donghae could speak like a normal person, but Hyukjae could never do that. Therefore, the other had to live, and Hyukjae was going to do anything in his power to ensure that.

            After he finished writing his words, with a shaky hand, he gave the doctor the paper to read it, ‘If he needs blood, take mine. I don’t care, he has to live. We’re the same blood type, we found that out years ago. So I’ll give him mine.’

            “B-but sir,” the doctor said, looking at Hyukjae with wide eyes, “I don’t think you realize how much blood he’ll need. If we use your blood…you’ll die. He needs too much.”

            Snatching the paper back, Hyukjae was sniffling and shaking as he wrote. Shoving the paper back to the doctor, he continued to sniffle and sob quietly as the doctor read what else he had written.

            ‘He needs to live. Donghae is too young to die, and he holds so much promise. I’m a mute, and I can’t make it very far in this world, but Donghae can. Please…take my blood for him. I don’t care if I die, make my brother live.’

            “Are you sure?” the doctor said quietly, looking at Hyukjae with sad eyes; it was never an easy task, being the one to have to take someone else’s life like this for another.

            Hyukjae abruptly nodded, before snatching the paper back and writing something quickly, before pulling out the note he had written before hand for Donghae out as well. Shoving both papers in the doctor’s hands, he saw the doctor look at him oddly before reading what he had written.

            ‘Please, give him this note after he wakes up.’

            Sighing, the doctor nodded before looking at Hyukjae with both admiration and sadness, “Come on then sir, we need to do it now or else he’ll die.”

            Hyukjae nodded before following the doctor, more tears were in his eyes as he walked. He knew it was troublesome for Donghae, having him a brother, and he felt bad for it. So, in his mind, this was the least he could do to make the younger happy. Maybe, if Donghae knew what he had done to make sure the younger would live, that would give him strength to keep living, and that’s all Hyukjae wanted.

            I want a brother that I can be proud of…

            Donghae groaned quietly, before slowly opening his eyes. Furrowing his eyebrows, he became confused as he saw the unfamiliar white ceiling above him. He then turned his head in confusion as he heard the high pitched, obnoxious sound of a heart monitor, but it was a constant beep; meaning a line had gone flat. Looking to his left, he saw a heart monitor beside him, but furrowed his eyebrows as he saw that one was beeping in sync with his own heartbeat, not flatlined.

            Then, as he turned his head to the right, his eyes widened, and he gasped audibly.  Only about a foot away from his own bed, he saw Hyukjae in another bed beside him. His eyes flickered to the heart monitor beside his brother, and his eyes widened in horror as he saw it was flatlined. Moving his gaze back to Hyukjae, Donghae reached over and grabbed the other’s lifeless hand; his eyes welled with tears as he weakly yelled out, “Doctor! Nurse! Someone, please!” lowering his voice to a whimper as he looked at his brother’s closed eyelids, he spoke to the other, “Hyukjae…Hyukkie please…”

            The door opened, and Donghae looked to the doorway to be met with a very solemn looking doctor and a nurse. The nurse walked over to Hyukjae’s bed and unplugged the heart monitor, making the horrid, constant beep stop. Donghae looked at the nurse with confusion and asked in a shaky, weak voice, “What…what are you doing? Help him!”

            “We can’t.”

            Donghae’s tear filled eyes went to the doctor, and he choked out a sob, “Why not? Please…you have to help my brother, he can’t die,” he then looked to Hyukjae’s lifeless form and gripped the other’s cold hand, “Please, don’t leave me alone, Hyukjae.”

            The doctor sighed, and looked at Donghae sympathetically, “He gave his life for you. You lost so much blood, that we had to do a blood transfusion, but we didn’t have any bags with your type. So, your brother here volunteered to give his blood to you, but you required so much blood that I told him it would be impossible for him to live through it. But, he still volunteered, and he told me that you needed to live no matter what.”

            Another sob escaped Donghae’s lips as he let all of his tears go, still looking at his older brother’s lifeless form, “Hyukjae…why…why did you have to do that, you pabo…”

            As Donghae continued to cry and hold on to Hyukjae’s lifeless hand, the doctor let out a sad sigh before pulling the note Hyukjae had given him before the procedure. Striding forward, he held the paper out for Donghae, “Here. He told me to give this to you after the procedure. I’ll give you a few moments alone to say your goodbyes.”

            Looking at the doctor with tear filled eyes, Donghae hesitantly reached out and grabbed the paper. After having it in his hand, the doctor let out another sigh, softly murmuring, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” before exiting the room, giving Donghae some privacy with his brother’s lifeless form.

            Slowly, Donghae unfolded the paper with one hand, not letting go of Hyukjae’s lifeless form for even a second. Even though he was already crying, as he read each word written on the paper, his sobs became hysterical, and his shaking was more intense; for once, he wasn’t mad at Hyukjae anymore. He was madder at himself as he read the note.

            ‘I was born a mute…and I’m so sorry. I can’t speak like everyone else’s brother, but I just want you to know that you’ve always come first since we’ve been a family. Our family is broken now, and it’s just been me and you, so you’ve been my strength through all of this. You’re so strong, and you’re so smart, I know you’ll make it so far in life. Please, never give up, Donghae.

            I love you, little brother, and happy birthday,

            Hyukjae.’

            Donghae continued to sob, as he dropped the paper against his chest, clutching at Hyukjae’s hand desperately. Looking at his lifeless older brother, he let out more sobs before whimpering out, “I’m so sorry Hyukjae. I’m not the strong one, you are. I love you too, I’m so, so sorry…”

            Maybe…there’s no such thing as a perfect sibling or family member, only the one that loves you more than anything.

            Always take care of your loved ones, no matter what.