2020

Those bold italicised numbers haunted Seulgi. 

The past few weeks, the chef-to-be felt like she was floating around in the past and in the present. She was busy tying up all the loose ends of being a graduating culinary student, but in the nights and all the free time she had in between, Seulgi kept holding a leather journal in her hands, immersing herself in the past.

Honestly, she felt like she was 15 years old again, laughing as she read the hilarious moments Joohyun wrote about, getting teary eyed at the reminder of lost friends, and almost wanting to go back in time and punch herself whenever she reads an entry where Joohyun perfectly recorded, with excruciating details of Seulgi’s mishaps and stupidity.

Those were good times, embarrassing, yes… but they were her fondest memories, and with the way her ex-best friend wrote about it. Then it also seemed to be special to the beautiful girl. 

Seulgi would never have known how Irene really felt… if not for the fact that she was reading the girl’s diary.

Why is life so complicated?

Reading the entries that Irene marked, Seulgi would lie if she said that she didn’t want to read each day. Each entry. But Irene marked the days she said were relevant to her explanation, and though the med student did give her permission to read more than what she meant for Seulgi to read… it didn’t feel right for Seulgi to read them… 

Irene was baring her soul to her, yes… but Seulgi wanted to give the other lady her privacy. Just because Irene was apologetic, didn’t mean she had the right to know all of her thoughts and rationale. 

No, only those that could finally explain why… 

Why did Irene reject Seulgi if she had feelings for her?

Because that was what she learned–no, that was what she confirmed. The Irony… for that was what Seulgi had always suspected. That she wasn’t alone in loving her best friend more than what was permitted.

But Seulgi didn’t hide her affection and wore her heart on her sleeves. Whilst Irene could only admit it to herself. 

Irene loved her back... It was so plainly written on these pages but so expertly hidden by the walls the med student had put up.

Staring at the last journal, Seulgi wondered… If she was more insistent, if she had shown her love more intensely. Would it have encouraged Irene to lower her walls? Would it have made a difference?

Maybe… maybe if Seulgi had forced the truth out of her best friend, instead of just settling for disguised truths and difficult cues… maybe the last three years that she was bereft of Irene’s presence in her life wouldn’t have happened. 

Maybe… maybe they could be celebrating their third year anniversary or something. The thought made Seulgi chuckle.

Here she was again, being so hopeful. So imaginative.

Shaking her head, Seulgi took the journal from her coffee table… She should read the last journal before she jumps into conclusions of making up for lost times and unfulfilled dreams. 

But as she unlatched the leather strap holding the journal shut, whispers of the past filled Seulgi’s thoughts.

“I love you Rene, more than a friend should. I love you.”

“...”

“Say something..”

“...”

“Please Irene, I know you love me too.”

“...”

Seulgi had loved Irene, she had loved her so much. But the only reply she got was silence… and then absence.

“Oh Seul! Where’s Irene?”

“Did Irene just ignore you, Seul? What happened?”

The Chef-to-be dropped the journal she was holding as if it burned her. Seulgi cradled her temple. Trying her best to get her breathing into control. 

It seemed just as Irene was gaining her back-bone by confessing to Seulgi, now, it was the chef-to-be who was losing her courage.

2020

Those bold italicised numbers haunted Seulgi. Because that was when everything changed. That was when everything ended.

‘Well… it seems that I’m not reading today.’ Seulgi thought as she stood up from her sofa and changed into her favourite hoodie and jeans. Taking her keys, Seulgi dialled a number. She needed to hear something that wasn't her own thoughts or Irene’s.

“Yeoboseyo, Seul?”

“Oh, Seungwan-ah. Are your classes over? Want me to pick you up?”

. . . . . . . . . . . .

“Bwoh?” Seungwan spat out her beloved grapefruit lemon tea at Seulgi’s incredulous statement.

“Yah! Your spit!” Seulgi grimaced at the sudden shower straight from the canada-raised musician’s mouth.

Seungwan wiped the drink that spilled on her jaw with the back of her hand, her fingers forming a peace sign. “Sorry.”

“It’s just that I can’t believe it… you’re telling me that Irene… the Bae Joohyun that we both know, who is famous for being so mysterious, private, and so detached… willingly gave you her diary so that you can read her deepest and darkest desires?!” 

Seulgi nodded. She needed an unbiased opinion, and the closest she got without having to retell her entire teenage years was Seungwan. And Seungwan was more of an anti-Irene than an unbiased common friend, so the Chef-to-be figures that that was for the best, because clearly, Seulgi herself was pro-Irene.

“Omona… Seul. Then she must really have loved you then.” Wait, what? Wasn’t Seungwan anti-irene?

Her confusion must’ve been evident on her face because Seungwan explained more, “I mean… of course, just because she’s giving you her diaries doesn’t mean you can forgive her or believe every word she wrote there.”

Seulgi was about to speak, but like everytime that she and Seungwan talked about important topics, the conversation transforms to Seungwan rambling on and Seulgi not having the opportunity to share her piece, like what was happening right now.

“Do you think she faked the diaries? I mean, maybe she wrote it now, but pushed the dates back to when we were in high school?”

‘I don’t think she would do that, I mean… how can she remember everything? Even now, when I was reading the diary… I forgot some of it even happened, and just remembered as I was reading it.’ Was her supposed answer, but again, Seungwan replied to herself.

“Scratch that, there’s no way she can remember that well, even if she did, I don’t think she would have enough time to write all three years…”

“Have you finished the diaries?” Seungwan asked to which Seulgi shook her head in refusal.

“Why? What are you waiting for?” Seungwan again asked, but her best friend remained silent.

“What have you read then?”

“The first two…” Seulgi replied meekly.

“Which leaves 2020… oh.” Seungwan closed her lips in realisation as to why Seulgi had randomly picked her up—the monolid eyed girl was scared.

Seungwan could understand, 2020 was the year where everything crumpled around Seulgi. Where she lost both her family and her best friend…

Seulgi was probably scared of what she might find if she read that journal. 

Seungwan took a sip of her tea, trying to reconcile her memories of the Bae with what Seulgi was telling her. “Irene is calculative, yes, sometimes to the point of manipulating the people around her to suit her needs but… she never did so with you Seulgi. I’ve always thought you were the only exception to the many rules Irene’s set for herself. So if she’s opening up to you and letting you in her iron clad walls… if it’s you—then I think it's genuine and true.”

Silence.

“Hey… Seul. It’s your choice, okay? You don't have to read it.” Seungwan was honest, she didn't want her friend to dig up buried skeletons if she didn’t want to.

“I know, thanks Seungwan-ah.” Seulgi smiled at her friend’s concern. But she really did want to know Irene’s side in all of this, to see if there’s value in her best friend's excuses. And maybe finally be able to close this chapter in her life, or… even make space for new pages.

Seulgi was like that, hopeful. And hopefully that final journal would give the monolid eyed chef a semblance of peace.

She just has to have the courage to pick it up and read it. 

. . . . .

Setting the gear to park and turning the engine off, Seulgi felt a weight settle heavily on her shoulders as she sat in her white maserati, donned in her chef’s uniform.

Making sure that the buttons of her chef uniform were still in place, Seulgi adjusted the rear view mirror so that she could see her collar.

Her day has been long—graduating and all that—and now that the ceremony’s over and Seulgi has taken Seungwan home and thanked her greatly for attending her graduation. Seulgi had one last stop before she could go home.

Her family’s grave.

Taking the white chef hat and the red velvet casing of her diploma, Seulgi went out of her car. The white and marble grey exterior of the Jade Hope Columbarium where her family were put to rest was a morose sight to the chef.

Clearing . Seulgi, forced a smile on her face even as her heart bled at every step she took. 

“Congrats on graduating!” Seulgi was greeted upon her entrance by the old woman who was one of the building's steward. 

“Thank you, imo.”