They say the deeper I fall
The harder it is to see reality
And i know it isn't your fault
And not try to just the way you wanna be

But
I need somebody to hold me
Somebody to tell me everything's alright

Its just the people we are
You only one for me
You try to see
I count the steps to your flows
And suddenly all i need is room to breath

And
Having somebody to hold me
Somebody to get me through the night

I think we want different things
You wanna take your time explore your mind
But i want an ocean to call mine
A beautiful sunrise
Looking your eyes

I'm sorry all this is the real me
I know who I should be
But I rather take a little time

-

Yongsun sat in silence. Her eyes wandered out of her window. Her puppy, Yongkey was biting her “bone” at the corner of her room. Her mind was in a huge turmoil. Everything was like a haze; she could not concentrate in anything. Her brain was clattered with worries and her body was in so much pain.

What should she do now? What else could she do to stop this feeling from clouding her mind? She was exhausted. She was too tired to carry on. All she wanted was to drop everything and just hide somewhere in the corner.

Her phone kept ringing, but she ignored it. And as soon as the ringtone stopped, she turned her phone off. She knew many people were looking for her. But they know where to find her so Yongsun could not be bothered to answer their calls.

A few minutes later, she could hear someone pressing into her code of her front door. She sighed softly; but remain still on her seat.

“Kim Yongsun!”

Someone started screaming for her name. Again, she kept her silence. She looked ahead, out of the window. Her tired body felt so lethargic that she felt moving an inch would hurt her.

“Unnie!”

That someone found her. She was grabbed by her arms, and somebody embraced her tightly in her arms.

“Thank god, you’re at home! You scared me!”

“Stop screaming. You’re hurting my ears.”

“Well, I wouldn’t be yelling at you if you have answered your calls! We have been calling you all morning!”

Yongsun just rolled her eyes.

“I just wanted some time alone.”

“You have been staying at home the whole time! When I called you to hang out, you just refused.”

“I just wanted to be on my own.”

“You know you cannot be left alone!”

“Moon Byulyi, can you just shut the up and leave me alone?!”

It was a huge blown up. Yongsun finally burst. And then her dam broke; tears fell profusely. Yongsun could not hold back anymore. The pain was killing her. She just broke down and cried.

Byulyi was stunned. She had never seen her Unnie in this kind of situation. She knew Yongsun was not in a good condition, but she never knew it was this bad. She felt sorry and guilty at the same time.

“Everything will be fine. You know that, right? We will get through this. We will be alright. We can do this.”

Yongsun just cried her heart out. How exhausted was she? Just then, two more people came through the front door. They were in a rush; looked dishevelled and equally tired as well. They found Byulyi with Yongsun. Their hearts sank. One of them at least felt the worst.

“I’m sorry.”

That guilty one spoke up.

“I know you have been trying to hold this together. And I know you probably felt betrayed. But you told me that I should be happy.”

Her voice quivered.  Yongsun’s cries mellowed down. She sobbed softly but pulled away from Byulyi’s embrace. She turned to meet the eyes of the guilty one. She sighed.

“Yes, I did tell you before that you should be happy. You should be comfortable with whatever you needed in your life.”

“But this is not the happiness I wanted. You seem to be affected the most.”

“I’m tired. I feel like my energy is all up and I don’t have the will to do anything anymore.”

“What should I do in order to make you happy again?”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Stop lying, Unnie.”

“I’ll never lie. I will not be selfish. You want different things. And I truly want you to be happy. To be happy with whatever decisions you make.”

“But unnie, you’re suffering. You’re withering in pain.”

Without hesitation, the guilty one lunged forward and pulled Yongsun into her arms. She knew her decision would hurt her members, especially her leader. Her leader who had tried to hold the girls together. The burden her leader had been shouldering to ensure that Mamamoo would always strive for the best.

She talked to them before; discussed deeply and even cried together. But during those meetings, Yongsun would be just staring into blank space. Her gaze seemed hollow. And each time Wheein tried to reach out to her, Yongsun would shy away.

During Wheein’s solo comeback “Watercolour”, it was the worst time for Yongsun. The other members tried to cheer Wheein up. They sent gifts and even came to the set to check on Wheein. But Yongsun was nowhere in sight. She just wished Wheein all the best with a text message and then she was busy with her own schedules.

The one day, Wheein was at their agency when she spotted Yongsun sitting alone in the studio; the same studio that they used to hang out together and practiced dancing or singing. Yongsun was sitting alone in the dark. There was no one else, just Yongsun alone.

Wheein stood at the door, watching Yongsun. Yongsun’s back was facing the door, so the older woman was unaware of Wheein’s presence. Wheein could hear Yongsun’s defeated sighs every now and then. Wheein’s eyes watered as she watched her leader struggled with the decision she had made.

Why did it hurt so much?

-

The four girls sat in the living room. They sat facing each other, one at each corner. 3 of them had their eyes on their leader. Yongsun was in a horrible state.

But they just kept silent. It seemed like it was the right thing to do for now. Yongsun was staring into the blank space. Her eyes were red and swollen. She sighed every now and then but kept her gaze on the empty wall ahead of her.

Byulyi could not stop worrying. Hyejin was equally devastated. Wheein was feeling worst. Her emotions were all over the place. She wanted to make Yongsun happy. She wanted herself to be happy so now she was at loss as to what she should do to bring her leader back.

“I’m tired.”

Yongsun suddenly spoke up.

“I’m burnt. As much as I wanted to remain positive, but my condition is not allowing me to do so. I’m becoming so emotional. Every little thing made me cry. Each time I move, my limbs will be in so much pain.”

Hyejin and Wheein looked up, tears fell from the corner of their eyes.

“I’m mentally exhausted. I’m desperately trying to shout for help. But I’m stuck. I cannot seem to scream. I lost my voice. I lost my mind. I lost every ounce of my energy.”

She paused for a while but continued as she wiped her tears away.

“This has nothing got to do with Wheein’s decision to leave RBW. I mean it seems like it is but it is not. I mean it’s part of the worries that I have but no, Wheein is not the reason for my break-down.”

She had to say it out. She had to make sure that her members know this.

“7 years I live alone. I’m lonely. I’m tired and alone. And I don’t know if I can continue living like this anymore. Every day is like a struggle for me, mentally and physically. It is like my life is incomplete. I thought doing something I love makes me end up hating it the most. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

The other girls listened attentively. They had no idea what their leader was going through. It hurt them so much to learn how much Yongsun had been suffering in silence. Hyejin stood up before she moved herself next to Yongsun. She stretched out her hand and grabbed Yongsun’s in hers.

“What do you need, Unnie?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you need a break from everything?”

“But I’m the leader. I need to be there.”

“You can take a break, Unnie. You can just stop taking everything in. Let us do it instead.”

“You almost broke down before, Hyejin ah. You struggled during “Maria” comeback. I watched you in silence, there was always a smile on your face but beneath that smile, I could feel your immense pain and heartache. You can hide but I can feel you.”

Hyejin cried. She knew how it feels.

“And Wheein, it took a while to be brave enough to know what you want. I’m so proud of you. I’m really proud of your decision. In fact, I’m envious at your bravery to take a big step. Leaving your comfort zone behind and start anew somewhere else. You’re amazing.”

Yongsun smiled sadly before she turned to look at Byulyi.

“Byul, you have always been my pillar of strength. You annoyed the out of me and I’ll get really irritated that I feel like kicking your but when you were not there; I would subconsciously reaching out for you.”

Then Yongsun sighed softly.

“But my world seems like a haze. Seems like I have been building sandcastles in the air, not knowing what I wanted truly. That hidden truth that I have been searching seems to be clouded and abandoning me as I lived in a bewilderment. I got really scared when I realized how lonely I was. One night, after a schedule, I headed home. My older sister was away for a business meeting, and she left Yongkey at my parents’ place. Suddenly, I was all alone. The whole house was empty, and the air was colder than usual. I just plonked to the cold floor; I felt terrified. My heart was squeezing, and I wheezed as I struggled to breathe. I was scared that I might be all alone for the rest of my life.”

The three girls were alarmed at the sudden revelation. Yongsun never shared with them.

“Why didn’t you tell us before?”

“I was terrified.”

“Unnie, you need help. You really need help professionally.”

“I thought I could overcome this.”

“You’re a positive person but if it comes to this, you need to rest. You need to take a break. And be with people who can take care of you.”

Wheein was determined to make things better.

“I can take care of you.”

“You? Why you?”

“I will have a lot of time in my hands since I’m a free agent now. We can go for short vacations, and you can do anything you like.”

“You think I can do that?”

“Yes, I think Wheein’s right. You can go for 2-3 weeks break and we can join you whenever we can. You can stop doing your Solarsido for a while.”

“Then the fans?”

“Unnie, your health is more important. Our Moo Moos want that more than anything else; they want you to be in good health. They rather see you getting healed than overwork your mind and body all the time.”

“We have pampered them a lot for now. I think they can wait for a bit more.”

“Yeah, and I think they are broke too. I saw in Twitter; the kids are lamenting that they might need to sell their kidneys to buy our stuffs.”

Byulyi’s last sentence made the girls laughed. They were guilty of that.

“Our solo comebacks killed their wallets. Then our group comeback and then our anniversary gifts. I think we should let them “rest” their finances for abit.”

Wheein turned to Yongsun before she pulled her favourite Unnie into her arms. She cuddled Yongsun softly in her arms before she gave Yongsun’s a soft kiss on her forehead.

“You mean a lot to me, to us, to Mamamoo. Without you, we will be in a complete mess. Just let me take care of you this time. Please, unnie?”

Wheein gave her “Puss in Boots” eyes and Yongsun chuckled softly. She could never ignore Wheein’s cuteness. She nodded.

“Don’t carry this burden on your own. I want you to be happy. I want us to be happy. I want to see you smile warmly whenever I look at you. I don’t want to lose you to depression. You make me realize that I want to be the best just because it’s you. You keep us together so now this is the time for us to look after our oldest Unnie.”

“Unnie, if you want to find a boyfriend, go ahead.”

“Byul unnie, you’ll get jealous if she does.”

“Yeah, you probably gonna hang out at her place 24/7.”

“True, you cannot even stand me hanging out with Sodam.”

“Okay, Park Sodam is pretty. And you always hang out with her but never introduce her to me!”

“Why should I?”

“I told you before. Please introduce all the pretty girl friends you have to me.”

“You’re hopeless. You have more pretty girl friends than I do.”

“When do I ever?!”

“Every Wed night, you seem to interview more girls than guys.”

“Oh, that’s my job! I don’t have a choice!”

Yongsun started bickering with Byulyi. The two young girls appreciated that. They did not even bother to get involved because this is normal. They rather see Yong and Byul argue than Yongsun looking so lifeless or staring into space.

“Looks like our Unnie is back.”

Hyejin whispered softly.  Wheein smiled gratefully. She was worried for Yongsun the most ever since she has decided to leave RBW. She knew Yongsun would be the one who would be affected greatly. She knows Yongsun loves her, but Yongsun would never tell her openly.

She felt it in her own ways. Yongsun has this warm demeanour. She has her own ways to let her members know how much she loves them.

“I love her, Hyejin ah. This time around, I will show her everything she needs to know. She needs a little time to realize that she is not invincible. She is just a human who needs her rest whenever she needs it. I will help her with that. I promise.”

Wheein promised with her heart.

-